Natureluvr's Recovery Journal

[Armee]

 

Cheering on listening to the gut and knowing what to keep out.

[Moondance]

  Natureluvr,

It must feel really good that you have the skills and knowledge to look after yourself in these situations!  Cheering for you as well.

I read your initial post and felt the same as you on this situation.   I doubt my judgment therefore was unable to respond for fear of saying the wrong thing.  Hmmm our gut doesn't lie as someone else said. 

Thanks for sharing this experience.

 

[natureluvr]

I'm very glad I found this forum!  Thank you Armee for cheering me on.  Thank you Moondance, for validating my feelings on this.  I totally agree, our gut does tell the truth. 

[natureluvr]

Having CPTSD sucks, it truly does. 

For some reason, my brain has started ruminating over a remark made to me by a security guard at the bank a week and a half ago.  I imagine people without CPTSD/trauma would have been irritated, and then just forgotten about this comment.

As my husband and I were walking in the bank, my husband was holding the door open for me.  The security guard remarks to him "You had better say yes ma'am!".  I was like, what?  It felt to me like a snide remark, where he was implying that I was a domineering controlling woman, and he was the poor henpecked husband.   I did actually send an email to the bank manager complaining about this, since I felt he was inappropriate. 

A couple of years ago, I had some total stranger make a similar remark to my husband and I while we were at the store.  My husband had picked up edamame in the shells, and I asked him to get edamame without the shells. This a**hole says to my husband "You had better just do what she says".  I made as if to throw the bag at the guy to make a joke, and the guy just gave me a dirty look, so then I realized he was being snide and hostile.  (When I mentioned to my husband how I didn't like this on our drive home, my husband got irritated with me.)

So, I suspect I was more triggered by the security guard's comment, because it reminded me of the incident in the grocery store, as well as previous abuse and harassment. 

I think what is happening is that I get triggered by these things, because I had so much bullying and harassment and abuse growing up, both in my family, and at school.  My husband doesn't fully understand why I get triggered by this stuff, and tries to convince me not to take it personally, or get triggered. 

Does this happen to other people here?  What is a way I can overcome this? 

[Armee]

Yeah this completely.

For me it seems to be that I have been trained to not trust myself and think I'm always wrong, rather than the bullying history that drives yours. So I'm always panicking that I've done something wrong for instance if an impatient ** honks at me. Sends me a flutter but my husband it just rolls off his back. Ugh cptsd does suck indeed

[Hope67]

Hi Natureluvr,
Yes, these things do happen to me - and I find that what triggers me won't affect another person that I know, and there will be things that trigger the other people that I don't mind at all.  I think it's really interesting how much that happens, and as I begin to recognize the things that trigger me more, I can then see them and perhaps not be as affected by them as I would have been without acknowledging it.

Sorry - now I've written all of that - I'm not sure it makes sense to me, so I'm not sure it will make sense to you either.  Apologies.  I've got a rule not to edit myself currently, and I am very much wanting to delete it - but I'll leave it there (just disregard anything that doesn't makes sense).

Hope 

[natureluvr]

Armee, yes, there are different "flavors" of CPTSD.  Good insight.

Hope, I do understand what you wrote, thank you.  And yes, at least I understand what is happening, and why. I feel better having complained to the bank manager.  She apologized, and said she will speak to the guy.  It feels good having some power and agency as adults that I never had as a child, when I was helpless to do anything about the abuse. 

[natureluvr]

*************** trigger warning ****************************
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I'm grieving.  My evil sadistic narc mom used me as her punching bag, with severe physical, verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse.  She turned all my siblings against me as well, and taught them to see me as inferior, broken, and worthless.  They learned from her to abuse me as well.  They all disowned me on the day of my wedding 37+ years ago.  Now, I have no relationship with any of them except a distant one with my older sister, who lives far away.  Neither do I have relationships with my niece or nephews because of this evil, toxic situation.  My niece just got married.  While I did get an invitation, I know it was only a perfunctory formality.  I tried to connect with this niece several years ago, and she blew me off completely.  So, all I got to see were a few pictures on facebook. 

My heart is broken.  I'm just shocked that one evil narc person can cause all of this brokenness and damage.  I hurt inside when I hear other people talk about the fun times and the relationships they have with their own extended family.  I have none, because narc mom took that away from me when I was a child. I take that back, I have managed to establish some contact with a couple of cousins.  However, I have lost my siblings, and my nieces and nephews. 

The loss is very real and very raw right now.   
        

[Moondance]

Your post so resonates with me Natureluvr.    if helpful whilst you grieve.

The loss of family can be great for some of us.  Especially if a person's  belief system is such that family is important.  Such is my belief and why the losses hurt as much as they do.

My head knows it's better, healthier for me to not be on relationship with them but my heart, my soul really hurts and longs for time spent with siblings, cousins, nieces and nephews. 

I grieve with you Natureluvr.

[Blueberry]

   Natureluvr

Like with Moondance, my head knows it's better to be without FOO, but my heart is still grieving. Sitting with you

[Armee]

It's a huge loss. Accompanying you in your grief here. 

[natureluvr]

Moondance said Especially if a person's  belief system is such that family is important.  Such is my belief and why the losses hurt as much as they do..

Yes, family is very important to me, and that is why it hurts so much.

Blueberry said "my head knows it's better to be without FOO, but my heart is still grieving. Sitting with you". I do know in my adult rational self that I am much better being no contact with my FOO.  And yet, I grieve, deeply, for the losses. 

Armee said It's a huge loss. Accompanying you in your grief here.

Thank you Armee. 

These responses help me more than you all will ever know.  It is so healing to feel heard, and understood, and I can feel the warmth, compassion, and empathy of your responses. 

[sanmagic7]

NL, may i jump in w/ everyone here and say these losses can be tremendously painful. i've had to go NC w/ my oldest D about 8 yrs. ago, and there is still a hole in my heart, and a longing to make contact w/ her again. My T told me it's my 'mother brain' that wants it to be fixed, but my rational brain knows it just can't be.  we do what we need to do to take care of ourselves, even when it leaves us gasping.  i'm with you on this.  love and hugs 

[natureluvr]

Sanmagic, thank you for your kind support. Yes, it is really painful!  I'm sorry you have this same situation with your daughter.  I think it takes bravery and courage to go no contact with these toxic people.

[Hope67]

Hi natureluvr,
You have so many losses, and I want to send you a hug (if that's ok)   
Hope