The "T" Word: TRUST

[wingnut]

So, I have come to a lull in my therapy, I think, where the boss lady was pushing me a bit today to come up with a way to challenge myself, to define a goal that I could work on and push myself. I've worked a lot with social anxiety in the past, and have made great strides there, I think. I still have my weaknesses there, like everyone does - fear of speaking in front of a group, etc.

I believe my next big hurdle is TRUST. I have posted previously about my spouse and best friend both telling me they would like me to share more. I know this is a trust issue. I keep people at arm's length. I want to work on this, but how does one make definable goals? Perhaps this is something to discuss with my T, but I am interested to know if anyone has or is working on TRUST, successfully, and how they are doing it?

I think that my mistrust manifests itself by me keeping myself very guarded. I believe I have residual fears of being teased, criticized, judged, and so on. On the other hand, I can't see myself walking up to my friends and blurting out all of the wicked things that have happened in my past.

I know when making new friends, you share a bit, then share a bit more then more, but I am talking about intimacy, the kind where you can be who you really are without having it thrown back at you.

It's a tough subject linked arm and arm with vulnerability.

[Bluevermonter]

In retrospect, I believe my cptsd ex had trust issues.   She needed someone to reveal her abuse secrets to, who would not judge her.  That would have been me, if she had chosen to talk, as I would have taken on the role of loving, comforting mother.   

Her dilemma was that she did not trust me enough to listen and not judge, but she really wanted to talk w me about her issues.  If she had, I believe she would have started emptying the bucket, so to speak.

What I would love to tell her now, but can't, is to pick just one thing to share as an experiment--a little thing that is only a tip of the iceberg, so the listenerS don't have to start with a full blown "Rosemary's Baby's" scenario.

In ski instruction, we call it "lowering the task", something that is likely to go well because we don't ask the client to perform too many difficult physical challenges at once.  Just keep it simple and achievable.

[Sandals]

Oh man, I hear you on trust. It's hard. Did your family system also involve keeping secrets? I know mine did and it ups the difficulty of sharing exponentially. It's challenging because I can see it now and even still, find it hard to overcome and find my words. It's like there's a gag over my mouth and they just won't come out. I'm also the president of blurting something out minutes before my session with my T is done because it takes me that long to work up to it.

What I've learned is that once you've done it the first time, you realize that the world doesn't end. If anything, it's a huge release. Yes, I feel incredibly vulnerable in that moment after it's said. But seeing yourself reflected with empathy by people who care about you is so healing. It transforms how you feel about yourself. And it begins that gradual climb up to fully trusting to share what's going on with you.

You can do this - start with your spouse or your best friend. It sounds like they're ready to hear what you have to share and you already trust them, right? It's just hard to share these dark secrets because on one hand, it makes them real. But on the other hand, it puts them in the past, where they belong, so you can have your feelings validated and connect deeply with those around you.

[hypervigilante]

Blu made a great point about making smaller, more manageable strides at the gate.

When I'm struggling with a trust issue, I recognize it in a way my T broke into parts as part of her "parts work" therapy, as she called it.  It's realizing the discomfort comes from one "part" of your brain/being/personality disagreeing with another "part".

So, just like mending a fence in Kindergarten, you sit down and have a conversation with these parts and try to come up with a compromise.  Sometimes, the protective parts of you just want you to listen to them so they stay really rigid.  But if the calmer, peacekeeper side of you can listen to your protectiveness adequately, the intensity of the trust-anxiety may subside.  And then maybe the calm part can ask the protective part of you to be a little more patient with people's reactions before making up their mind if they would like to share or not, and in exchange the calm part can promise the protective part that s/he'll listen up and look out for those BIG things the protective side of you wants to protect you from (for lack of a better term.)

Tell me if I'm being too cerebral and am not communicating it well outwardly.

Another thing I fuse into this exercise is playing the "what if" game until the very end.  You just let the fear ask the inevitable "what if" and then, turn around and answer.  For example:

"What if I share this story with my spouse and they get really sad for me?"
....
Then, maybe you will feel uncomfortable. How do you deal with discomfort? Do you cry? Make a joke? Fire a missile? Turn the conversation to the other person? For me it's cry or make a joke, or both.
....
So, it goes, "What if I cry?"
Then eventually you'll stop crying and feel much better.

If you play it until the end, it will always eventually be fine.  We build these things up so much to avoid pain, but the anxiety of the pain in the end is always more painful.

a darker example:

"What if my spouse/best friend judges me for this story and sees me as someone they can't be with?"
Well, then maybe you don't need that spouse/best friend in your life if their love is so conditional....


I absolutely believe that TRUST has been one of the biggest issues I've focused on personally and worked to resolve all of these years.  These tactics have allowed me to be more patient with myself and discover that anxiety is temporary if you really care to investigate it instead of run from the discomfort.  Pain demands to be reckoned with - and it'll be there til you can speak to it, reasonably.

[wingnut]

Hmmm...thank you for your replies. I am mulling on this.
I am not sure if it is words that I am afraid of sharing, but rather a feeling of insecurity, the dismantling of the wall, releasing the vulnerability.
Yes, we had secrets, and that is an interesting point.
I think there is nothing that I haven't told my spouse, so we need to talk about this. She knows all of my demons and history. I mentioned in another post that Im a freeze and she's a fawn, so perhaps she is needier and I am the cheese-stands-alone type.
Anyway, aside from sharing history and so on, anxiety rears its head, a feeling of unease that comes from letting my guard down.

In the past, if I shared with my mother in an effort to find support or advice, I would hear "Well, I don't know what to tell you." If I talked to my sister, she would get this overly sympathetic and somewhat gossipy tone (not sure if that makes any sense) with a follow up question "Hows' such and such going?" which pretty much drove me up a wall so I quit sharing. Probably not my most mature act of recovery.

Anyhow, there are those we share with and those we choose not to share with and those who deserve for us to share with but then we do not due to fear.

[Bluevermonter]

Thanks for sharing the "parts" concept.  I can easily see that conflict in my ex.

Wing nut, I think your mom said the best thing.  I have been so humbled by my situation, I would say the same thing to anyone asking me for advice.  On one hand it's her honest answer.  On a deeper level what does it reflect about her character?

And again w your sister.  Is it her honest response, or does your history w her suggest a question where the answers will be used against you?

Hang in there.  FYI, My ex was the one you describe as not sharing due to fear.

[wingnut]

Blu, I always felt blown off and disappointed by her answer. Certainly not encouraged to share.

  Recently I was thinking of the ACOA work I did long ago and people always said "they did the best they could."  Now I think, no, not really.  The best would have been to get their asses in recovery and learn how to be supportive parents.

[Bluevermonter]

I get it, wingnut.  Your mom blew you off because she was not able to be supportive.  And of course you wanted her to act as the loving parent who showed concern for her child.  Maybe not the advice itself as important as the demonstration of caring.

I can say the same thing about my mom.  "She did the best she could."  Just the opposite from yours, she would not shut up, or give me choices about what to do, or encourage me to figure it out myself. Just told me what she expected and I better do what she said or another lecture . . .

I figured out she was one of the people whom I chose not to share stuff with.

[wingnut]

Ack. Sorry you went through that. It sounds like an incredible amount of pressure.

Left to flounder on my own, I always thought with the proper support I could have been a surgeon or attorney or something big brain-ish.

An early morning toast to the parents who get it right.

[Bluevermonter]

Yep.  Mom had 3 smart kids who could have achieved more.  Her aspirations were for us to get married, give her grandkids, and have a nice job.

[hypervigilante]

I'm terribly sorry and I mourn the unfair adult roles the both of you were required to take at such early ages.

Wingnut, can you describe the "fawn" response more to me? I would like to understand it better before giving you a much more in depth response. I read up about it a bit, but I still struggle to recognize it.

[wingnut]

Hi hyper: I believe it akin to codependency if you're familiar with those traits. Thanks for your response.