Life......

[suffersilence]

(Trigger warning, maybe, related to flashbacks, and verbal abuse, and self hate)

Hey folks,

Covid seems to have quieted down to the point that I finally now have the freedom to go about do my business without having to deal with all that restrictions. You may think I m selfish, but no, its because I am deaf and rely heavily on my ability to see the whole face to be able to understand what people are saying to me, but with the masks on, I can only see half of the face, and it cause me frustrations in my inability to understand people. anyway, recently I had a bad incident at work, and it made me realize that I am not yet recovered from the flashbacks.  I purchased a book called "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker, and I just started to read it. and so far, its very eye opening, because some of the things he described is what I am experiencing to a T. It also mention that sometimes people experience Emotional Flashback and it will take a long time to finally get back to a semblance of normalcy.  After careful research on various different psychological issues, I now have determined that yes, I do have C-PTSD because even after decades of the source of my traumatic event, I still struggle with myself, my ability to handle sudden surprise stressful event, my ability to handle people getting angry at me, my ability to handle my boss giving me an ultimatum, my ability to handle my supervisor constantly asking me questions, and my constant negative thoughts and negative self talk.  But in case you all are concerned, don't be. I already have a regular counsellor who is helping me, he is great, very helpful, and he would suggest me some work where I would try to do work (supposed to help me improve) and he would listen to me when I need to express, and he would give me advice.  Sometimes I feel bad because I don't get better and "I don't need counselling anymore" because its always something that triggers me, be it my siblings, or my boss, or the weather, or whatever. I often wonder will I forever experience this C-PTSD or will I ever get this resolved and get some sense of normal life again? who knows. anyway. thanks for reading, and thanks for any advices you give. I am glad to be part of this community.

Silence.

[Kizzie]

Glad to have you as part of this community SufferSilience 

I can certainly understand how masks would be extra difficult for you being deaf. It's not at all selfish IMO by the way, it's a reality you live with - reading lips is part of how you hear.

I don't think people understand just how all encompassing relational trauma is, how deeply it affects us not just psychologically but physically as well.  That we have a tough time recovering is understandable when you think about what happens when we are abused, our mind and body respond in ways that help us to survive but aren't necessarily healthy (e.g., constantly being on high alert with lots of adrenaline and cortisol flooding our bodies).  Those responses get set in place because they occur over time, they become learned responses.

Realistically therefore, it takes time and lots of therapy/recovery work to deal with the way we respond to perceived threats (angry people, bosses giving ultimatums, etc). We have to learn to bring down those responses, to regulate our emotions not just psychologically but physically with the help of therapy, groups like this, reading, etc.

Most of us notice that our symptoms decrease over time but may not go away entirely.  It's a difficult truth but at least we know what we dealing with and more and more treatment options are becoming available.  CPTSD wasn't even accepted as a diagnosis until 2018 even though it was proposed in the 1990's and many clinicians were seeing it in their practices.  I thought I was crazy until I read about it back in 2013 and it was such a relief to know I wasn't (crazy).   

[jamesG.1]

Hi Suffersilence

Good to have you here. Like minds are so important with C-PTSD, safe place and all that.

Beating C-PTSD is all about knowing what it is, how it works, why it works and who made it happen. Sounds simple enough, but untangling the story of your mind when all you have to do it with is the same mind can be daunting.

The big breakthroughs for me came with understanding that the effects I were experiencing are natural responses to unnatural stimuli. No one should be saying or doing what they do, but sadly, it happens. Even sadder, it happened to us, often for years on end. On the receiving end of these abuses, the mind tries to cope in the short-term, but as most of these abuses go on over prolonged periods, the wheels come off... and stay off. Stress hormones we might be glad of in an emergency, become habitual and marinate the mind causing changes in the brain's physical structure. It gets harder and harder to switch off fear responses, threats are everywhere, and even once the abuser has gone, the mind continues to play it out, because now, it is configured to do little else.

That's the bad news, the good news is that the brain will recover if it is given a chance. Neuroplasticty is our friend! Be good to yourself, gen up on the reasons why and, in time, the brain will return to a normal balance between logic and caution.

None of it is your fault. It's horrible, grievous, no question, but you are not alone. Give it time, space, and forgiveness.

None of us are born ready to cope with abuse in all its many forms. The level of abuse will change, the sensitivity of the individual will also change, there is no map, no measure of how justified the response is; that is for you to measure alone. You are what YOU feel.

Others, sadly, even today with the increasing understanding of mental health, will judge you badly or inaccurately for your responses and symptoms. This can really hurt. For me, this maybe hurt most of all. We need understanding as much as we need food and water, but hanging on for justified validation invites a world of hurt. People just don't... or won't. What matters is that YOU work out the rights and wrongs for yourself or through the help of a decent professional. Seek the friendships of those who do not make these glib assessments of you. If people consistently hurt you and block your recovery, let them go. Put your recovery first. It doesn't matter if it seems cold or calculating to some, it is about your survival at the end of the day.

The world doesn't have to be a hostile place anymore.

Freedom starts now.

[Kizzie]

None of it is your fault.

No deeper, more accurate truth is there when it comes to CPTSD.   

[jamesG.1]

There is an addition to the 'none of it is your fault' concept.

The thing about the situations we found ourselves in is that we were often pushed into behaviours that were something we were never expecting, nor were we equipped to deal with them. We were thrown the most curved of balls, forcing us to fight to make sense of the behaviour of others and to find new fast ways to adapt our own behaviour to keep things on an even keel. Ironically, we then made mistakes, inevitable misjudgement, and we got things wrong.

It's taken me a long time to understand this, but anything we did, and I mean ANYTHING, would never have happened if we had not been so severely tested. The fault always lies with source of the situation, not with those coping with that situation. It's an important thing it thinks because, and I know this applies to me, when we are forced to act out of character, we are left riddled with doubt, saddled with regret and poisoned by guilt. When the good are pushed too hard, anything remotely self-preserving can feel like a total contradiction.

Narcissistic abusers know this only too well. They sense the doubt, the discomfort and the confusion and they signpost it to humiliate and scapegoat their victims. I've seen this so much. You can see it now, with Russian and Ukraine, the attacked have to be cleaner, purer and fault free because anything less is a gift to the attacker. The attacker does not need to worry about this because the expectation of decency is an irrelevence to them. If Ukraine fires a missile to shoot down an incoming attack and that missile goes wide and lands on a school, that tragedy is as surely the attacker's fault as if they fired the missile themselves.

We do the best we can, but to be perfect in imperfect and surreal conditions is a big ask.

[Armee]

Hi suffers in silence

Im sorry I missed responding to your intro post! It's good to have you here.

I've been working pretty hard with a therapist for about 4.5 years. It is HARD work getting to the point where we are less triggered and it requires a lot of different therapy tools to find the ones that help break through the scars and patterns of complex trauma.

Wishing you well on your journey. Posting and reading here has been a big help to me in addition to the therapy. I hope you can find some relief. I can say I feel so very much better than I did in the past.

[Kizzie]

It's taken me a long time to understand this, but anything we did, and I mean ANYTHING, would never have happened if we had not been so severely tested. The fault always lies with source of the situation, not with those coping with that situation.

Absolutely! As the excerpt from a journal article on the front page of the forum rightly (and for me, poignantly) suggests:

The effects of trauma are indeed just that—effects of an event [or events]—and as such are causally related to the trauma and not to the harmed individual. .... when psychology and mental health professionals draw that causal path incorrectly, when the field fails to place the dysfunction solidly on the shoulders of individual and societal wrongdoing, survivors of trauma .... end up shouldering the burden. This, in essence, is pathologizing—the assumption that because individuals exhibit certain sets of symptoms, they are themselves disordered.  From Rosenthal et al, (2016). Deconstructing disorder: An ordered reaction to a disordered environment. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation 17(2).

[suffersilence]

Thank you all for the responses. I appreciate them all.  I have been talking with my therapists for a while now. He noticed that I tend to be fixated on negative things in my life. and it made me wonder, am i even able to stop obsessing on negative things that impact on e.  also, a few of you commented that C-PTSD can be healed and improved so it will have less impact on a sufferer who has it.  It made me wonder, how do I heal and improve if I continue to be in a situation where I am constantly triggered ie: at work (High stress is a trigger, angry boss is a trigger, disciplinary warning will trigger as well)  Up until now, I have always tried to maintain a low trigger situation in almost every job I worked at. but sometimes i cannot avoid it. Right now, I am at a very low point emotionally because of something that happened at work that triggered me, it was very stressful combined with a request for an earlier delivery, combined with my frustration of a damaged part on a van which caused me to take the initiative to remove said damaged part so it will not harm me while working, all caused my boss to write me up and say that the written up note will be on my record that my boss warned me of my "infraction" while at work.  It made me wonder how is it possible for a person like me who suffer often with c-ptsd triggers at work, with family of origins, with life in general sometimes, can ever get healed and improve my outlook and improve my life for the better.

Thank you for reading and thanks again for all the support.

Silence.

[Moondance]

 

I SufferSilence,

I am fairly new here but wanted to welcome you to this forum.  I have felt  very much supported in the short time I have been here.

I was not able to continue working with the High stress and triggers and the exhaustion I was feeling.    I no longer felt safe at work and had to go on leave.  That's not to say that that would work for you though. 

I think each person and their situation is unique.  I hope your councellor and others more knowledgeable than I will be able to share their knowledge and wisdom. In fact I  am certain of it.

A safe virtual hug to you  if that's okay.  If not, please disregard.

[Armee]

Hi there,

It's an interesting question, difficult to answer.

I think when we are in the thick of it, we need to do what is in our power to reduce stress and triggers as much as we can, while balancing our human needs, including money for essentials. You do what you can. If you cannot escape this particular dynamic and not working isn't an option, clear out as much stress as you can elsewhere and focus on getting yourself as much of the basic care you can manage in terms of eating right, exercising, reducing addictions, and resting. Easier said than done when there's trauma. I know that. But what can you control? Start there?

As for work. Perhaps after work there's a routine you can find that will help you reground yourself in the present with things that feel safe.

For a long time I did everything. I took care of my kids, had a successful career that I loved and was admired in, took care of the house, went to grad school, and took care of my mom through 2 rounds of cancer, broken bones, and hospice care (the same woman who traumatized me from birth till the day she died).

I finished school a couple years before she died. I went through retraumatizations. CPTSD flared up BAD. I still kept trucking. I was in therapy during those rough last few years.  I made progress. Some things got a bit better. But no, I did not heal. Once my mom died, I took a month off work. I was still just exhausted and then some. I planned to take 2 more months off but quickly realized I could not go back at the end of those 2 months and so told my boss I was quitting, returned to work to wrap things up for a couple months and then left. This was a fantastic job. Colleagues like family and best friends, I was good at it. Respected. 18 year career. Fulfilling and meaningful. But I couldn't anymore. Both because of exhaustion and because I was being badly triggered at work every day and was powerless to stop it.

There's some combination there of slowing down and leaving work, and all my cruddy parents being dead, that finally has allowed me to make more progress toward healing. It's been 1.5 years. I still have a lot of healing to do.

My take away is that ideally yes. Get rid of the triggering situations to heal at the quickest pace possible, which is still slow. But we also have to balance life. And even without the perfect trigger free existence, we can still keep making progress. That progress will get us to some level of functioning that allows us to get a healthier situation going.

So even if it isn't ideal. Keep going, (EDITED TO CLARIFY: keep going trying to heal) keep trying to heal. There's no magic pill. We just keep working (EDITED TO CLARIFY: keep working on healing).. Even before my mom died and before I quit my job and in the midst of daily triggers, it was still getting better. Slowly and sometimes feeling worse but the progress was undeniable. At a minimum you are clearing brush and trees and building a foundation to later build the dream house. (EDITED TO CLARIFY: I mean that even when we are trying to heal in less than ideal circumstances we are still making progress and laying the foundation).

Ugh sorry I just reread what I wrote and so much just doesn't make sense. I tried to edit it a bit to clarify some parts that could be very easy to misunderstand my intent. But it is probably still badly garbled.


And I am so so sorry you are getting triggered daily at work. It's such a difficult circumstance. Sending as much support as I can.

[NarcKiddo]

If I am having a trauma reaction my therapist has encouraged me to think about it in the moment if I can. If it is a known trigger than I can look out for it. But any situation where I find myself having a big emotional reaction could be a trauma reaction. She has suggested I think about it, name the emotion to myself and work out if it is a trauma response or an actual in the moment response. If it is a trauma response then I am to gently remind myself that is what it is and that I am now an adult, with my own power and agency, and in a different situation entirely to that which caused the trauma, even if the emotional world is feeling similar. She recommends stepping away from the situation momentarily (if that is possible) or asking for a little time to respond. Just observing it, rather than only feeling it, can often insert enough of a break to deal with the here and now in a more rational and productive way. She then advises me to journal things and see what I can learn from that. And of course to bring it to therapy as I see fit.

I have found that advice to be helpful. It is simply not possible for me to anticipate and avoid any situation that causes a trauma response. So I am obliged to manage myself in the moment. And just being aware of my therapist's advice, and doing it, and discovering that I can do it (at least to some degree) has taken the edge off my reactions.

I am not sure it is ever possible to remove the effects of abuse so completely that we never get triggered. But my therapist assures me that it is very possible to get to the stage where the triggers are not so traumatic in themselves, and to be able to function in a healthy way.

Wishing you well.