Emotionally brutalized by my mother - pillar of the community

[OverAndOver]

*****Trigger Warning****The unwanted second born female to the Golden child older brother I was emotionally brutalized almost everyday several times a day through my late twenties by my mother pillar of the community a writer of children's books a mentally unstable woman who spent afternoons while my father was working overtime beating me then sobbing sitting in her bedroom and then hours later waking me up in the middle of the night to rip the sheets off and brutalize me again and then go back to crying. I never understood it. And I keep repeating this brutalization over and over again with broken partners.

She has Alzheimer's now and I had to clean out her storage unit last summer where I found journals where she wrote about how much she disliked me and painted such an ugly picture of me as a person I think this was written during the time I went away for my first year in college.. It made sense why she never came up to see me and why she didn't want me coming home on the weekends to do laundry. She completely checked out and started traveling far with a Bible group. She was absent on purpose We hadn't had Thanksgiving or any holidays since the 7th grade all of those were spent at other people's homes or alone when she was gone traveling leaving me with a few blank checks where I was instructed not to spend more than $60. I wake up every morning with deep sadness and sometimes I just cry and I didn't know why until I started reading about CPTSD and I immediately recognized that I'm always thinking about her and I'm always flashing back and that never stops. I wish I could find relief find a real therapist recently I had a few zoom calls some attempts to connect with a counselor and they were narcissistic wanting to do all the talking and instructing me that they weren't there just to have me talk.. no bonding no compassion I don't even know why they're online so unqualified. So I continue to struggle every morning before I can get it together to put on a smile and go to work

[Kizzie]

First of all welcome to OOTS OverandOver, I hope being here will help with some of the understandable grief and anger you feel. It can relieve some of the pressure to get it out and have it be received by people who understand and can empathize.  If you haven't already read the Member Guidelines (https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=1616.0), please take a moment and do so as they provide some info about what/how to post.

I'm sorry to hear about repeating the brutalization in your adulthood, it's common for us to find situation in which our abuse is repeated.  We have some info here that may be helpful - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=8006.0 and a good web site I can recommend is the Safe and Together Institute here at https://safeandtogetherinstitute.com/. 

I know you have had problems finding a therapist that fits but I would encourage you to keep trying as not all in the profession are created equal as you have found.  Also, CPTSD is a relatively new diagnosis so it can take a bit to find a T who has training and experience with treating it.  If you're in the States and in or near a big city you have a better chance than living rurally and /or in another country.  We do have some searchable databases that can help with finding a T here - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=881.0.

[Armee]

Welcome and I'm sorry you went through all that. Im glad you are here and yes what you went through would make complete sense with cPTSD. The fact it won't leave your brain you keep rexperiencing it and ruminating on it...that is PTSD. It is your brains way of forcing you to grapple with it. It will eventually let go. That space in your brain will eventually fills up with good things instead of memories of her abuse.

Keep looking until you find someone to help. For me I started looking for a therapist for my son before I ever thought of therapy for myself. I talked to several who were not a good fit for him. Arrogant, rude, dismissive. But when I found the one who helped us out of the hole I knew within 5 minutes on the phone that he was the right one. You'll find that person and you'll know.

Also one thing I've learned is sometimes when therapists say they are not there just to listen to us talk (hopefully they say it much better than that!!!) what is often meant is that we'll also have to work hard and actively work toward healing...not just endlessly talk about it. It doesn't always mean they don't want to listen or they want to talk, they are just trying to establish its about more than just talking.

But anyone who left you with that impression of them is probably a terrible unskilled therapist anyway. Just know it's something they try to convey to make sure the client is ready to work hard. And it is hard work. But you get to control the pace. And with trauma like this you'll need to go slow and it will take a long time to develop enough trust to dig in. The therapist you find will be ok with that. Some of them are and some aren't. Some can grow and become that and some can't and truly are Narcissists. Good luck. Therapy has been incredibly helpful to me the past 4 years.

[Bermuda]

I am having a difficult time with words lately. I wanted to let you know that I read your post. What you wrote must have been extremely difficult for you to live through. You weren't the problem.

[OverAndOver]

Thank you 53 years old and I've never told anybody any of this. It does feel good to share it

[Kizzie]

   and       for taking what I know from my own experience is a big risk. 

[Phoebes]

Hi over and over. I'm so sorry for your experiences. You so did not deserve that treatment and lack of love and empathy you received.  I relate to a lot to that stark contrast of how she appeared to the world, but behind closed doors was only harsh and so abusive. Also that a T that knows how to work with "us" is not always easy to find. For years I took their miss guided hurtful suggestions to heart and it really set me back. This site has a lot of great resources as well as many who all share similar experiences in one way or another. It's hard to find but it is definitely here! I'm happy you found this place 

[OverAndOver]

Thank you. I feel this light at the end of the road that the obscure resources are now brought to the light