[Phoebes]

Having gone NC with NM 8 years ago, I’ve also not seen or spoken with her “new” family since then. Her husband’s adult kids. I don’t see them at Christmas or any other time, and we don’t exchange gifts of course.

This year, I received this big package from his youngest son-  a huge box with a huge picture frame inside with a printed notification of a family photo that will take place in march that everyone is expected to be at. He has notably spread it around that I will in fact be there. As well as everyone else. I’m not the only weird dynamic in the family, and many of us live far away.

I got his contact and texted him very nicely that I appreciated his invite but that I was not going to be able to make it. Shortly there after a big group text went out to everyone saying it looks like March is going to be difficult for some people so we are rescheduling to the summer.

This reminds me of the type of thing my dad does. Leaves me questioning did he not hear me? Did he get my text? Did he not understand that I said I could not make it? Did I need to be more clear? I thought I was clear. Do I respond again? Does the whole group think I’m going to be there? 

I’m not asking expecting an answer from anyone, I’m just illustrating the confusion I feel by this similar to the confusion I often feel with my dad. I do feel more solid and that I said what I said and I’m not answering again. I actually think it’s really Oblivious of him to demand a family photo like this. Even his crazy mom, My stepdad’s ex, is invited to be in the picture. Knowing my mom she is losing her s*** over that but won’t say anything because it’s him.

On a side note, I live in a very small space. Finding a spot for a big Christmas box and big frame is kind of a big deal. Lol

[Kizzie]

Good for you Phoebes      I was thinking as I read your post, "I wonder how you would have handled this a year or two or three ago?"  This sounds like great progress to me is what I'm saying. 

[Phoebes]

Thank you for the support and noticing that Kizzie! When I was still unconscious and unaware I would have been very dysregulated about the situation of course. It’s still not a fun predicament, but I am learning to feel more solid in my self, definitely have a much better internal boundary and know that I can observe how my body feels, and feel good about doing what my instinct tells me, not feeling a sense of being forced out of family obligation. I was thinking even if I did have a relationship with my mother I probably would not want to be in this photo. And it’s OK that he is probably coming from a kind hearted place wanting to orchestrate some sort of family reunion / Appearance of a normal family. I don’t need to fix that, or criticize it or go along with it either.