Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark

[Bach]

Today in text messages, my mother gave me a particularly ugly display of her narcissism and sociopathy.  It was bothering me all day, especially because my head was full of the thought of "Why can't she just die already?"  I even imagined myself telling her I wished that she would die.  I've been told it's okay to wish that she would die, or even hope for her to die, but I have some idea that it's the ultimate karmic bad cause to wish death on someone.  I talked about it with My Person this evening at duck feeding time.  I told him that I've always worried that if I want her to die it's because I want the house or the money or the photos, but I'd realised that's not it at all.  I want her to die so that she can't hurt me anymore.  This evening when I was chanting I had a thought that it's not just reasonable but sane and healthy for me to feel that way, and for fleeting moment I felt the truth of that in my body.  So I guess this means I have to own that I wish she would die.  I guess it's okay.  I guess anything is okay as long as I don't actually kill her myself.

[NarcKiddo]

I completely identify with wishing she would die. I wish the same of mine. You said in an earlier post that you fear she might outlive you and I have had that fear, too. I would consider it viciously unfair if I never get to live part of my life without her in it.

This is partly what sought me to seek therapy. My T has said it is OK for me to wish she would die. It is understandable. I felt there might be some danger to me in getting so wrapped up in the desire that when it finally happens I will be hit by some surge of guilt, or even disappointment that life is not suddenly kittens and rainbows without her in it.

Like you, I also have an idea that it is bad to wish death on anyone. I think I may be trying to kill her off in my mind, so that the actual event becomes a bit of a non-event, emotionally. I have no idea if/how this might work or even if it is a sensible idea. But it feels different to wishing actual death on her, so it is easier to justify to myself.

Sending you good thoughts.

[rainydiary]

Bach, I appreciate what you shared and it resonates with me.  I recently saw this message going around on my social media feed about how everyone deserves kindness and it irked me.  We need boundaries, including permanent ones, with some people. 

[Bach]

Thank you for your understanding reply, NarcKiddo.  I have had so many of the same thoughts you express in your post.  It's not a happy place to be.  But I guess an intrusive thought of "I wish my mother would die" is healthier than one of "I wish I was dead." 

rainy, thank you, too, for responding.  I'm irked by those kinds of messages as well.  I don't think my mother deserves kindness.  She certainly hasn't ever shown it to anyone else that I know of!  But of course social media is chock full of that kind of thing, and sometimes I have to resist posting how I feel about it because I know that if I do, it only makes me look like a jerk.  We really have to keep a lot inside don't we. 

[Armee]

I agree it is much healthier and putting the feelings where they belong - on her. Not sure if it's helpful right now but I wrote an article for the oots blog on this topic of wishing for a parent's death. https://www.outofthestorm.website/guest-bloggers/2021/11/13/navigating-the-death-of-an-abusive-neglectful-or-traumatizing-parent-by-k

[Bach]

Thank you for sharing that, Armee.  It was helpful.  It also made me very thankful that I won't have to take care of my mother.  You must be made of incredibly tough stuff to have survived that, my friend! 

[Armee]

 

Not tough. It destroyed me. I was just stuck. Luckily it ended. There was one period of time when she was in the hospital and I thought it was the end. Then I found out she was going to make it. I sobbed for days. I thought it was over but it was going to keep going. I don't cry but I bawled nonstop when I found out she wasn't dying. That will make you question your sense of kindness like nothing else. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[sanmagic7]

bach, i've also had death wishes for my ex, and my T said it's not a bad thing, i'm not a bad person.  i think it's a way we are trying to protect ourselves from further harm.  wishing won't make it so.  i've also stopped having those thoughts lately, but who knows if i won't pick them up again at a later date.  trauma brain just wants our abusers and their abuse gone.

as far as karma goes, hmm, i don't know if that would pertain here.  your goodness, what you show to people every day, how you act and interact has a lot of karmic weight, to my mind.  as humans, we are going to have less than perfect thoughts at times.  i don't know that one thought is going to tip the karmic scale against us.  just my thoughts.  love and hugs, bach

[Bach]

I just wrote a whole thing and then hit the wrong button and wiped it all out.  I guess I didn't need to post that anyway? 

[Moondance]

 

Ohhh gosh Bach that is so frustrating.  I have done this as well.  And felt exactly as you did, I guess I didn't need to post that anyway.

Especially when we put all our energy, our effort at the time, exhausting ourselves at times to type what we typed and then it's gone.

Sorry that that happened for you,  frustrating to say the least.

[NarcKiddo]

Maybe you just needed to get it out of you, as opposed to out into the world.

Annoying, for sure.

[sanmagic7]

i've done that too many times, bach.  sometimes it's felt worth it to rewrite, other times not so much.  i like the idea of needing to get it out of you at least.  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

I've done the same thing. 

[Armee]

 

Me too, especially replies others.

[Bach]

You are all wonderful   Thank you for the support!

The thing that got erased the other day was my recounting a day on which I was in a very deep trough mentally, emotionally and physically and was unable to feel anything good at all, no pleasure to be had in any productivity or accomplishment, or even the ducks at the river, and then realising what a taxing week I had had, and how well I was functioning considering my heavy burdens of pain and sadness.  For some reason it feels unsafe to say that, unsafe in my body.  I wonder whether subconsciously wiping out the post wasn't really an accident.

I've been interacting with my body a lot lately, tuning in to the feelings in my body and trying to simply experience them without trying to change them or run away from them.  That is wildly unfamiliar to me.  I've spent my whole life trying to avoid feeling my body, because so much of what my body feels is tension and pain and fear.  I'm trying to learn how to feel other things in my body.  Trying to get to know this stranger that I've been occupying all these many years.