Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark

[rainydiary]

Bach, I resonate with getting to know one's body.  For me, learning about interoception has been helpful and I've especially learned a lot from Kelly Mahler. 

[sanmagic7]

bach, this concept of tuning in to your body struck 2 chords w/ me - 1: i'm always knowing what my body is saying/doing and 2: i've not been aware very much in my life of the same thing.  quite a contradiction, but interesting to me since you brought it up.  thanks - another something to ponder.  i'm glad you're getting to know yours, tho.  i think it's a good thing.  love and hugs

[Bach]

Why could I not have been NORMAL?  People say "But what's 'normal' anyway" and I never had an answer, but now I do.  NORMAL is having a mother who loves you and at least tries to protect and certainly doesn't try to KILL you.  NORMAL is having a flawed human mother who makes mistakes, but is not a narcissistic sociopath and at least loves you and tries her to nurture you.  The bar for "normal" really isn't that high.

rainy, thank you for the Kelly Mahler reference.  I looked up her site, and it's very interesting.  This sentence " Or what if your internal sensations were so overwhelming that your body feels unsafe on a daily basis?" describes my experience exactly.  I will read further soon.

san, I have never had much of an idea of what my body was saying or doing.  Learning how to notice and interact with it is difficult and tiring. I am having to be careful not to overwhelm myself or let my brain interfere.  I know this is a good thing but wow I wish it wasn't exhausting getting there. 

[Bach]

Yesterday I went to pick up some furniture from the apartment in the city that my mother is selling.  I asserted boundaries and it went well, but today I have mom-sickness.  I struggled through a therapy session of trying to put into words things that defy explanation and understanding.  The most painful and difficult thing about having this mother is that even though I know she is incapable of loving me or truly connecting with me, I crave her.  I crave her like a bad drug.

[Bach]

I get angry sometimes thinking of all the times I've eroded my nervous system freaking out over things that were literally nothing, no threat to me at all.

[rainydiary]

I feel this way a lot too, Bach. 

[Not Alone]

The most painful and difficult thing about having this mother is that even though I know she is incapable of loving me or truly connecting with me, I crave her.  I crave her like a bad drug.

We were meant to need deep bonding with our mothers. What you wrote makes a lot of sense.

[Bach]

I'm tired of anxiety.  I'm tired of hunger.  I'm tired of tension and fear and sadness.  I'm tired of inertia and immobility.  I'm tired of not being able to express myself.  I'm tired of not being able to connect with people.  I'm tired of non-restful sleep.  I'm tired.

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
I am hearing that you're tired.  I send you a hug of support, if it's helpful 
Hope 

[Bach]

Thank you, Hope  It does help.

[natureluvr]

Bach, I too have a sociopathic sadistic narc "mother".  I don't consider her my mother anymore.  I'm very sorry you too have this experience. 

It makes my heart sad to hear this:The most painful and difficult thing about having this mother is that even though I know she is incapable of loving me or truly connecting with me, I crave her.  I crave her like a bad drug.

I'm also very weary of all the pain and exhaustion that CPTSD causes me.

  if that is OK. 

[natureluvr]

I want her to die so that she can't hurt me anymore.

I feel the same way about my "mother".  Even though I haven't laid eyes on her, nor had anything to do with her at all in over 2 years, I still have this uneasiness deep down inside that somehow, she will find a way to get to me.

[Moondance]

I don't care much for my mother and have not been in contact for 4 yrs. 

I'm sorry Bach - I can so relate to the craving though.  Craving to be loved, cared for by the one person that should have but didn't.

 

[sanmagic7]

bach, this whole mother thing sounds messy, sounds like it's made you feel messy.  it's a terrible place to be, a terrible way to feel.  no wonder you're tired.  it can be a struggle just to put one foot in front of the other when dealing w/ FOO issues.

i also really related to your statement about 'eroding' your nervous system over nothings.  i do that so much, often many times a day.  it totally sucks.  i'm sorry you go thru that, too.  i wish i knew how to stop it.  love and hugs

[Bach]

My feelings and thoughts and emotions are so horribly problematic. I have no words for anything or anyone. I can listen and hear but I can't communicate. Can't respond. Can't express. I'm locked up in here. I used to be able to write and speak and cry and laugh and connect and all those things. What happened? I can't live all shut down like this.