Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark

[rainydiary]

I'm glad to read Bach.  I wish I always knew what to say, but I am here even when I say nothing.

[Bach]

I feel that way too, rainy 

[Armee]

I'm trying to not post while security cert issues are still pending but I read Bach. And I'm sorry you went through this. It isn't developmentally appropriate and I've heard these types of things referred to as being under the umbrella of sexual abuse. You have every right to feel disgusted, hurt, angry, sad, or however else you feel. It set you up to live life in a way that you now carry some regret over. That is worthy of anger and disappointment. It wasn't ok what your parents did to you this example and many others. You suffered and you suffer and it's not your fault. 

[dollyvee]

Hey Bach,

I'm sorry you had to go through that with your m. It made me uncomfortable to read as an adult and can imagine your confusion as a child.

For me, I've come to realize that sex can be a way to avoid intimacy and all the uncomfortable emotions that come with it, which is kind of like a bypass for thoughts about abandonment, revealing my real self to someone and thinking they might not want me/I'm not good enough etc.

My understanding of sexual abuse has widen recently after reading the Bradshaw book, Healing the Shame that Binds You, written over 30 years ago. His definition of sexual abuse is much, much wider than inappropriate touching. It sounds very much like what you experienced would fit under his definition.

Sending you support,
dolly

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs if you want them, Bach. That was completely inappropriate for them to do/say around kids. They don't have to touch for it to be abuse. It was not okay. We're here for you as you process. <3

[Blueberry]

I read your post too Bach and agree with those who say that SA can take place w/o any touch. I agree from own experience of what was done to me, but I have also read that that is the case.

[Bach]

Thank you for the replies, friends. It makes me so angry I can't stand it. It low-key ruined my life, really. I don't know what to do to even begin grappling with it.

[Blueberry]

Bach, you've made the first steps in grappling with it by writing on here, by sharing with us, by feeling your anger. You'll find the next steps too.

[Armee]

 

It is the first step, seeing and feeling the damage done. It needs to be honored.

[Not Alone]

Those were conversations that a child should not have been exposed to.

[Bach]

I just want to scream and throw a tantrum.  IT'S NOT FAIR.  IT'S NOT FAIR.  IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!.  There's nothing in my life she didn't ruin, nothing.  There is NO PART of me that is healthy, that isn't bogged down by shame and guilt and fear and frustration.  The one thing about me that I thought was okay, the one thing I thought I had figured out and was comfortable with.
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I wrote the above last night and didn't post it.  My take on it this morning is that for most of my life I was heavily invested in the idea that the one thing about me that was basically healthy and positive was my sexuality, and it's a terrible blow to my self-image and self-esteem to look back on my life and realise how mistaken I was about that. 

I was in my 40s before I realised through therapy that I had been abused as a child.  When I was young, always thought of "child abuse" as being physical violence or sexual molestation, and I remember that I used to think to myself "Well, my life sucks, but at least I'm not abused."  Realising that I had been abused messed with my mind in all kinds of ways.  Emotionally, it's still very difficult and painful to accept.  Even though intellectually I know that the way I was treated by my family was abusive, I often still find myself trying to minimise it, trying to credit myself with being dramatic and being attached to the victim identity I have always fought against embracing, trying to blame myself somehow, instead of being able to look full-on at the ugliness and the truth of the fact that there was absolutely nothing I did to deserve the damage that was inflicted on me. 

This is just as bad.

[rainydiary]

Bach, I resonate with being an adult before recognizing my childhood as abusive and how fracturing and surreal that can be. 

[sanmagic7]

bach, i so very much relate to having such fundamental realizations about the reality of our lives.  it's been a tough one to see it all for what it truly was.  i've often minimized my abuses, as a kid and as an adult, and as you say, it's just as bad to understand and accept the truth of it and what it's done to me, my perspective of me, the world, others . . .the list touches everything in my life.  i'm with you on this, bach.  standing right beside you, maybe sitting on a porch swing in cool spring air, just allowing mother earth to awaken and soothe us.  love and hugs

[Bach]

rainy and san, thank you for being there and understanding.  san, today at my house the weather suits your beautiful thought, and I am seeking to bring that energy into my troubled mind.

I spoke during therapy today about the sex stuff and it was horrible.  So harrowing and difficult and painful.  I've been really disturbed and troubled about it ever since I wrote the original post (before that, really, because I think that post was brewing for a while).  There are a few people in my life that I would usually talk to about something if it was bothering me that much, but I haven't been able to talk about it at all.  I read to my therapist the posts I made in this thread.  I also told her that the responses in this thread identified what happened to me as sexual abuse.  She validated that.  I cried about how trapped I feel by it, how I don't want to deal with it because dealing with it is going to be painful and make me suffer, but I have to deal with it because not dealing with it is also going to be painful and make me suffer.  And how now I don't even know who I am anymore.

[sanmagic7]

my dear bach, i so get it.  while those validations are important, as you say, they also bring their own brand of pain and suffering along.  just hate this crap, hate that you're having to go thru this.  naming things for what they are/were is a big first step.  i hope you can be gentle w/ yourself.  it sounds like this may be a grief situation, too, grieving for what you believed and now found out otherwise.  always a messy time.  still sitting next to you.  let's let Earth Mother Spirit do her thing for us, even if only for a little while.  it really is grounding energy.  love and hugs