Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark

[Moondance]

Hi Bach,

Again I can really relate...

Being isolated and feeling lonely is uncomfortable, interacting with people is uncomfortable.  I feel like I really just don't belong in this world.

  if helpful at all - if not please disregard.

[Bach]

Moondance 

[Bach]

I can't cry if I'm alone but crying in front of people makes me feel shame and fear and self-loathing. Even my therapist, even just on the phone.

Earlier in this journal I wrote about the inappropriate exposure to sex I was subjected to early in my life, and how I regret that I've spent my life focused on sex at the expense of everything else I did or wanted to do. That also makes me feel shame, fear and self-loathing. I spent my therapy session talking about that today. I started with my realisation that I always had a subconscious belief that my sexuality was my only real value and recounted most of my history with sex and relationships and heard how crazy it all sounds in that context. Thought about how yesterday I was happy because Other was texting me his desire all afternoon. I really don't even know who I am or why I'm here except for that.

[Bach]

Yesterday, my mother texted me.  I hadn't heard from her since the 25th of August, after a spate of contact over about a week and half, first concerning her discovery that there were bats in her house (I know, the jokes write themselves), and then various other dramas that I resisted being drawn too far into.  When I saw her text I was wondered if she was going to ask something of me, but I think she was just feeling lonely and wanted someone to talk to.  Stil though even in a casual conversation, she could not help but push my buttons.  When I pushed back a little bit, she came out with this gem:

It would be nice, if we are having a conversation, if you could repress your resentments. That way for whatever time I have left, we could be friends.

Gotta love it, right?  I told her that I'm never looking for opportunities to air my resentments (that was not true two years ago but is now) but that if she stirs them up I'm not going to repress them.  I said "You want to be friends?  Well, my friends don't say things that hurt me and then expect me to keep my mouth shut."  She defended herself and then tried to pick a fight but I fended that off, and she stopped responding.  I felt good about standing up for myself like that, but it still gave me a physical trauma reaction that left me feeling anxious and out of sorts, and before I really noticed it happening, I had binged three or four days worth of snacks.  That's a classic response of mine to being upset by my mother.  I know it happens and I should be able to stop it, but somehow I can't.  Or at least I couldn't yesterday. Now I am suffering the mental and physical discomfort that follows a binge, feeling hopeless and trapped and like no matter what I do nothing will ever change and I will never be able to live the comfortable and productive life that I dream of.  If I can take good enough care of myself today maybe I will feel better tomorrow.  That's my eternal refrain: Maybe I will feel better tomorrow.

[Chaos rains]

I think that's a brilliant response, Bach. I never ever had the presence of mind to say something that true and real to my mother. Love it.

[Blueberry]

I think it's a brilliant response too Bach!

But I also know very well about managing one thing really well and then heading to the snack cupboard... I think some time you will know why you are doing that. There are theories as to why - but whether those theories apply to you, only you can tell. 

[NarcKiddo]

I agree with the others. You dealt with her really well. I'm sorry you're upset by the binge. Be kind to yourself.

As for the previous post, that resonates. I'm glad you talked it through with your T

 

[Bach]

Dealing with my mother still messes me up, but not as badly as it used to.  I still get all the same symptoms and act out in all the same ways, just a little more moderately now.  So that's fine, but I feel really out of touch with myself, unable to be present, unable to do anything except struggle through, internally lost in the world of my 8 or 9 year old self who was just starting to understand that something was very, very wrong.

I have so many things I wish I could write about, but words don't come.  Or they do, and they make me hate myself.

[Bach]

The thing about dealing with my mother is that she brings me right down to her own level. It's my own damn fault that I give her the opportunity to say things like "repress your resentments". I may not have been CONSCIOUSLY looking for opportunities to air my resentments, but underneath it all those resentments are SEETHING, ready to burst forth at the least whiff of the slightest implication of "My sufferings are more challenging  and important than anyone's but especially YOURS" in anything she says. Even if that implication is there, do I have to react to it? It doesn't hurt anyone but me!

Also: I'm craving her like a bad drug again. I hate this feeling. Of all the feelings, I think I hate this one the most 

[Armee]

 

She is very much like a bad drug and it's not your fault. At all. A mother is supposed to be there. You are supposed to crave love and connection with her. Except when there is any connection at all she harms you. That's HER and only her. You are not bad for craving the affection of a mom. I'm sorry, Bach.

[Blueberry]

  

And I really resonate with what you're going through Bach because it's similar for me with both parents.

[Bert]

Hi Bach,

Your mother, or at least how she makes you feel, sounds exactly like mine. For more or less my entire life she has been nothing but atrocious and vindictive towards me. The feelings you express, I mirror very very closely.

If I could suggest my opinion; perhaps the reason why you find yourself "craving" her (like a drug) may actually be a craving to fix her, or wishfully hoping that she will change - simply because you crave a normal, healthy, and loving relationship with her? This is absolutely nothing to feel rubbish about - it shows how much heart you have. If I've completely missed the mark, then please ignore me.

I say this because this has been a painful realisation I've made in my situation. Beyond all doubt, my own mother is (and has been for my entire life) the most distressing component of my reality. The way she makes me feel, impacts every department of my life.

I recall when Coronavirus was at it's peak in the UK, and we were forced to isolate, etc. There was a period of roughly ~6 months where my contact with parents was very minimal / non-existent. I also recall this period being me at my most emotionally-resilient, and peaceful... I guess that says a lot right?

It's nice to connect with you Bach, and I hope you can share a few things with each other. I hope you're feeling okay today

[NarcKiddo]

I know that craving. Like a bad drug, my mother had the capacity to make me feel oh, so good. Fleetingly and unpredictably. I am terrified of feeling that again.

I also know how hard it is not to react to the provocations. They know just how to press the buttons. When, and how hard. Of course they do. They installed them. Training yourself not to react is a very hard job indeed. I have got better at not outwardly reacting, but that takes so much emotional bandwidth. And the reaction is still underneath, roiling away.

Take care of yourself. You are doing hard, hard work every time you have to deal with her.

[Bach]

I'm having a genuine existential crisis feeling like I finally understand what all the key problems in my life are and where they came from, and having to deal with the fact that even all that hard-won knowledge doesn't give me the first dang clue about how to solve them.  I feel lost and hopeless and like it's time for me to accept that it's too late to fix this chronic mental pain.  There is no way to keep from having part of me always somewhere else, wanting something else, yearning underneath all the motions of wellness I go through for something that can never be. 

[Bach]

I used to write and write and write.  Why can't I use my words anymore?