Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark

[Blueberry]

Bach, I read your post from today and I'm sorry that you're in so much pain. I get it too. I used to have realisations about things that were done to me, about how bad they really were and what they meant and I'd go sprawling.
Sitting with you.

[Not Alone]

Bach, I'm sorry for all the pain you are going through. You did brave work in therapy. Give yourself a lot of nurturing care.

[Bach]

I talked some more about this and its implications in therapy today, and told My Person about it, too. Friends, your understanding, validation and support have given me the courage to attempt to confront this but right now I feel so completely awful about myself I wish I could be erased. I don't know how I will ever be able to feel okay about who I am again.

[littlebluejay]

Standing with you, Bach. I am so sorry you are going through this and having to process all of this. It is heavy. I get that feeling of not knowing myself, and of wanting to be erased. I believe someday we will rise from this mess and find ourselves, but right not it just sucks. You aren't alone

[sanmagic7]

i believe in you, bach.  i know who you are and also know erasure is the last thing i'd want for you.  you're vital, important, and wonderful.  love and hugs 

[Armee]

I know these feelings, wanting to be able to erase myself, to not exist. I agree with San. 

Perhaps what Papa Coco often reminds me would be helpful? He says his therapist always tells him when we claim what is ours, what isn't ours falls away (something like that). I take that to mean that the more you fully claim what your parents and grandparents and others did to you, and the impact on you, you will come slowly to know that you are not bad, the people who did this to you are the ones the negative feelings belong to.

You do deserve to exist. And to exist without the self-hatred that is so common to us trauma survivors/victims. As I came to understand what happened to me and how badly it had affected me and the ways it altered my life, slowly that self-hatred and acts of self harm shifted from being directed at me to me understanding those feelings are feelings that were to be directed at the people who caused the harm, not at myself. It was a slow process but it happened and has mostly taken root.. I trust that shift will happen for you too, the more you claim the truth of what happened.

[Bach]

I cannot handle this PAIN

[compassion4all]

Bach - I am sorry you are going through this. Please try to remember that who you are is not defined by how the people around you have treated you. It defines them.

You are wise and brave to be on this forum sharing your pain with people who understand and accept you for who you are and know that you are enough.

Being here and sharing your pain means that you are on a healing journey. Healing journeys, unfortunately, take time - often more time than we believe we can handle. I have the below quote on my whiteboard and see it when I wake up in the morning to remind me to appreciate all the little steps along the way (which include experiencing the grief and tears we feel as we get back in touch with our painful feelings).

"A new moon teaches gradualness
and deliberation and how one gives birth
to oneself slowly. Patience with small details
makes perfect a large work, like the universe."

― Rumi

Once I got back in touch with my pain/feelings, it felt overwhelming. In hindsight, I realize that was a necessary step I had to go through in order to release those emotions from where they were trapped inside. My tears set them free. I began to welcome the tears, knowing that they meant that I must be doing something right since for so much of my life I had denied they existed. It's kind of a double edge sword. I hope you are able to honor your pain and see that it is ultimately a gift and a necessary step on your path. Your pain is valid and there are many others here who understand what you are going though very well and support you.

My hope is that your tears ultimately release you from your pain. 

[rainydiary]

I am here supporting you.

[Bach]

This is important. Today I realised that I was brought up to believe that I didn't have to be beautiful if I was sexual. Because I was physically unattractive, I latched on to being sexual. I thought it was enough. I thought being sexual was something about me that was attractive, AND I WAS RIGHT, but I always ended up making myself repellent because my lack of socialisation meant I didn't know how to use it appropriately.

[Bach]

Another problem is that I never really developed anything about myself other than my sexual nature.  No wonder my writing career never went anywhere.  I was stuck in the world of the oversexed popular novels of the 70s that my mother let me read. 

[Blueberry]

Sending support as you go through these painful and difficult realisations. 

[Bach]

There's one good thing about the fact that I grew up thinking that being sexual was enough: I never believed that my weight or appearance precluded me from being desirable.  I never carried myself with the assumption that I would be rejected for my complete and utter lack of conventional feminine beauty or gender performance.  This is a complex topic that I will have to write about some more at some point.

To all who have read and responded, THANK YOU.  Please know that you are giving me the courage to address this 

[sanmagic7]

yeah, bach, such realizations can bring along great pain which we now have to feel and deal w/.  it's so unfair how you were taught to believe about yourself.  desirability is great, but like you said, there are other facets of us which are just as great and contribute to who we are.  so very sorry you're going thru this.  as i've been told here many times, and for me it was helpful - this, too, shall pass.  hang tough until it does, ok?  love and hugs

[Not Alone]

Bach, what you are realizing is really significant. I hear you. I care.