Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark

[rainydiary]

Bach, I resonate with the visceral experience of the EF.  I hope that you feel as grounded as possible now and later.

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
I am glad that you got some benefit from 'shaking it out' - that EF  sounds really horrible.  Sending you a hug of support 
Hope 

[Bach]

rainy and Hope, thank you for reading and responding 

Today is really brutal.  I dreamed last night and as usual remember only a few elements.  There was someone I asked for a hug who gave it to me and I thanked them.  Then there was V in a purple shirt somewhere a little ways away or maybe partly behind something, and I was thinking how I was glad to see her again because she was going to be dead soon, and then I realised that she was already dead.  I woke up with my gut riled up, really feeling the physical sensations of the stomach upset.  I thought I would feel better after I went to the toilet this morning, but I didn't.  It hasn't gone away, and emotionally I've been back and forth between "I know what this is, I feel awful but I can tolerate it and it will pass" and "I can't handle this life, it's always going to be this way, if I could choose to die right now I would."  I guess "I can tolerate it and it will pass" is my sane adult self, and "It's always going to be this way" is poor Little/Middle B unable to understand why everything has to hurt so much.  It doesn't seem fair that all my years spent figuring out WHAT ALL THIS IS and coming to understand the process so well still hasn't made this any easier. 

[Moondance]

Hi Bach,

I feel angry that we have to keep going through this, it is unbearable a lot of the
time. Sometimes it is hard to believe it will pass.  I empathize with you.

Thank you for mentioning "shaking it off" as a way of grounding or stablelizing.  I will try to remember this. 

I send you a safe virtual hug  one that helps each of us support the other.

[sanmagic7]

dang, bach, i totally get it, and go to that dark place frequently.  i wish it were not so, not for you nor me.  this pain seems unbearable at the time, yet here we are, today, after having made it thru what seemed impossible to bear.  i don't get it, i don't want it anymore, either.  i just know you don't deserve to be going thru this time after time.  i wish i could take your pain away.   love and a hug filled with pain reliever

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry Bach, just read your post now.    How are you doing now? A little better I hope. You don't have to answer.

[Bach]

Moondance, san and Blueberry, thank you for the support and hugs 

Things are very hard right now.  I'm extremely stressed out about work.  The project I'm working on is very complicated and I'm afraid I won't be able to finish it, but I must because I have already been paid for it (not my choice).  It gives me a childhood feeling of being trapped and unable to do anything right.  I am chipping away at it the best I can and trying not to panic about it.  My Person is helping, but I feel guilty about that because he already has too much work of his own to deal with.

I am full of emotional hunger.  I thought I had realised and accepted that I cannot get anything I need from my mother, and yet I can't stop wanting something from her.  I had another one of those text conversations with her yesterday that leaves me marvelling at the utter lack of self-consciousness with which she communicates to me that I don't matter to her.  Other made me feel small today too.  I know he didn't mean to but there are ways in which he's a lot like my mother.  Stuck, I am, with feeling unimportant. It hurts.

[rainydiary]

Bach, I hope that some of the stress and emotional hunger (I appreciate that description as I crave something emotionally too) ease soon.  I am here supporting you from afar.

[Not Alone]

Bach, I wish I had words of comfort. I could relate to many of the thoughts and feelings that you expressed. Super hard to be in the middle of all that.

[Armee]

 
You are important, Bach. To me and others.

[Hope67]

Hi Bach,
Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Bach]

rainy 
Not Alone 
Armee
Hope
san

Everyone gets their own hug today because I appreciate every one of you so very much. 

I've had a lightbulb moment about what's going on with me lately, the depression, the self-destructive behaviours, the weird physical symptoms, all of it.  Now that I've seen it, of course, it seems very obvious.  THIS is an emotional flashback!

Here's the thing:  I don't matter to my mother.  I never have, and I never will.  I'm at best an audience and at worst a nuisance, but I have no real significance to her life.  It's still exactly the same now as it was when I was a child.  Her (now dead) husband is important to her.  Her husband's children are important to her (even though they hate her now and don't speak to her since their father died).  My brother and his children are (sort of) important to her.  But me?  I don't matter to her.  I never have.  She tells me so every chance she gets, in a million little ways that she doesn't even notice or care about.  I think I'd probably like to believe that she does it on purpose, because that would indicate that I matter enough to be worth hurting, but I really don't think so.  I think I just don't interest her very much, and the oblivious cruelty is nothing more than a natural manifestation of her psychopathy.  I understand and accept this.  So now how do I make it not hurt me?

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you Bach.  I resonate with that hurt and hope that it eases some for you.

[sanmagic7]

quite a realization, bach.  i can see how it would be very painful in itself, let alone the pain from being 'unimportant' all this time.  perhaps you're beginning to grieve?  sending love and a hug filled w/ pain remover.