Miswired Circuits/Things That Spark

[Bach]

Moondance, NarcKiddo, rainy, san, Armee, Hope, thank you for your thoughts and hugs and support.  I've been thinking that this has been a very hard summer, but it occurred to me that the height of summer in general is often a bad time for me.  Some of it is the weather, but a lot of it is childhood memories.  Just like everything else in my life. 

I had a couple of good days earlier this week.  I keep reminding myself of that as proof that it's still possible.  Also on the good side, Other has been very sweet lately, and my mother hasn't been in touch.  What do I have to complain about, really?  Not much.  My life, objectively, is pretty good.  I see that and I appreciate it, but sometimes I am just furious about how often all the stupid crap from 50 years ago hanging around in my nervous system stops me from enjoying it. 

[Armee]

You just summed up what tics me off the most about this stuff. Present = good so why does it feel so bad still?

[Bach]

It is the worst part of all of this.  I hate it so much and am filled with anger and resentment that it has to be this way.  I've worked so hard for so long to have a good life and enjoy, and it's just not fair.  The injustice never ends!

[Bach]

This morning in therapy I was reminded of how I used to wake up My Person in the middle of the night freaking out and crying about nothing in particularly that I could identify.  I would would wake up formlessly distressed and he would be asleep and I would cry with hot tears rolling down my face, trying not to make any noise because I didn't want to wake him, and then I would wake him because I would be freaking out just from the strain of trying so hard not to.  I don't think I noticed that every time that happened it was following a visit with my mother until one night that happened, and while he was comforting me, I asked why he was comforting me and why he wasn't angry about being woken up in the middle of the night to deal with  my hysterics.  He said "It's okay.  I understand.  And I kind of knew it was going to happen, because it happens every time you visit your mother."  That confused me, because it was at a time when I thought that I had learned how to get along with her and have a pleasant time when I visited, and I thought I genuinely enjoyed those visits.  That was, of course, years before I knew anything about any scorekeeping bodies.  It all makes sense now, though.  After the freaking out in the middle of the night phase came the self-destructive bingeing myself sick phase.  It took me way more years than it should have to notice that, too.

I'm going to have to visit her in September when my brother and nephew are here from Australia.  I've got to start preparing myself for that now.  Maybe make a list of things I need to be on guard for, stupid careless little things like last time when I forgot to bring a suitable snack to the beach with me and then forgot to shower after going in the ocean on a very hot day because I was so eager to escape that accursed house, which resulted in a dizzy, scary drive home that featured sitting in my car with the air conditioner on for at least half an hour drinking bottled water at a rest stop.  My brain doesn't really work very well at that house. 
 

[Armee]

 

Oh bach, I am so so sorry. It sounds so awful. And my sister would break out in hives when she would drive home from a mandatory visit with our mom. It's real what has been done to us.

If there's any way to not visit...it's not worth the damage...

[sanmagic7]

bach, it doesn't sound like something i'd anticipate with joy, that's for sure. the things you mentioned - wrong snack, running from her house, etc. - sounds simply awful to me. is there a chance you could visit brother and nephew somewhere else? like a lunch away from the house, away from her?  i hope so.

as to the injustice and unfairness of all this crapola we continuously go thru - we should be happy, right? so why aren't we?  our minds got smacked so badly by our pasts they just can't right themselves yet.  i know this one, too. just remember, this is not your fault, ok?  you didn't do this to you - you are surviving what was done to you, scrambling and scratching your way to make your life as best it can be.  can you hang onto that? your courage and determination?  love and a hug filled w/ velcro so that your reality sticks w/ you.

[NarcKiddo]

My brain doesn't really work very well at that house. 
 

I am so glad you said this. Of course I am not glad you had to write it, with all the experiences that go with that, but it dovetails completely with something that happened at the weekend visit I have just had at FOO house. Long story short we were trying to find the source of an annoying intermittent beeping and concluded it was one of the smoke detectors needing a new battery. We all agreed it sounded like a phone rather than a smoke detector. But none of our phones was making the noise. I got up a ladder to get the cover off the detector but couldn't, though I tried for ages. In the end mother called a neighbour who had changed the battery in another one some weeks ago. The beeping did not stop and in the end it turned out to be a phone that a different neighbour had lent them which was in the vicinity of the detector and had low battery. When I recounted the story to my husband afterwards he said "But when you were up the ladder with your ear right next to the detector, surely you could tell the beep was not coming from there." I just stared at him and said "No, now you mention it. I was simply trying to survive the visit. My brain was not functioning."

I hope you can find a way to see brother and nephew without having to go to that house. But if you can't, then I think you are right to prepare yourself. A checklist sounds good. The more you can consult something without having to rely on your brain working normally in the moment, the better. Even just having compiled the checklist and having it with you could help. I have to go to FOO house armed with snacks because  I lose my appetite at meals and then need to eat something later.

These problems visited on us by others are so pernicious and awful and it is viciously unfair that they continue to taint our lives despite our best efforts. But you have come a long, long way and that is something to be proud of.

 

[Kizzie]

I too have become angrier about all the mess hanging around in my nervous system too Bach. It's just supremely unfair that we go through the abuse or neglect and then live it for the rest of our lives. I thought one day I would be rid of it but I don't think that anymore. I think instead I just need to learn as many ways of possible of managing the trauma, like knowing what triggers me. Connecting with all of you is one tool in that toolbox   

Maybe you could do as NK suggests and meet them away from your M's house?  Maybe go out for a lovely meal to change the trauma dynamic? Or have them to your house where you have control of things?

FWIW, both my brain and my heart do not work well at my NM's place so I just don't go anymore.

[Bach]

I think I have figured out why sometimes I find myself thinking "I hate my life" and then thinking "No, how can I say that? My life is full of good things that I love!  I love my life!"  and knowing, really knowing it with no toxic positivity involved, and not understanding why I can't feel it.  Today it occurred to me that it might be because my unconscious assumption is that the phrase "my life" describes what can be seen from the outside, i.e., all the "things" in my life that I like, such as my house, my garden, my partner, my job, my pet, the town I live in, my comfort things, etc., and discounts the shadow life inside me being lived by my perpetually confused nervous system.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing this as I do this too. 

[NarcKiddo]

That is a very interesting insight, Bach. I think you may be on to something. It certainly resonates with me. My life, too, is full of good things that I genuinely appreciate and am grateful for. I'm not sure whether I actually like or love them all, though. You say your nervous system is perpetually confused and I can identify with that. Possibly because I don't really know me. Sometimes I wonder if there is actually a me or if I have become an automaton, dutifully liking the things others say are likeable and doing the things others say I should do. And that must be confusing because the dissonance is huge. The logical brain is genuinely pleased (hence no toxic positivity) but the emotional brain is not so much displeased as simply cannot fathom it. I don't know if any of that makes sense to you, but that's what your post made me think about so I throw it out there in case it's useful.

 

[Bach]

Sometimes I wonder if there is actually a me

It's interesting that you would say that, NK.  Five or six years ago, I had a realisation that I have very little self.  Left on my own, there's very little that I think or do or want for myself.  I never really do much of anything unless someone else wants or expects me to.  The only thing that motivates me is the possibility of approval from someone else, and I pretty much spend my life waiting around for someone to want or need something from me, feeling (alive? real?) until I've fulfilled that, and then going back to waiting.  I have not figured out what to do with that.  Still, though, you say you're not sure whether you really like what you like, or whether you only like it because you're expected to, and I wouldn't say I feel that way at all.  I'm good at being interested in things that people around me are interested in, which serves me well in my job, but there are definitely things in my life that I like or love in ways that feel genuinely that they belong to me.  That feels important and valuable, but I'm not really sure what to do with that, either.

[sanmagic7]

dang, bach, i was thinking so many of these same thoughts today.  it's an awful way to feel and i wish you didn't.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

there are definitely things in my life that I like or love in ways that feel genuinely that they belong to me.  That feels important and valuable, but I'm not really sure what to do with that, either.

I totally get all of what you wrote. I was very pleased to read the quoted section and I agree it is important and valuable. Maybe that is all you need to do with it - enjoy what you enjoy. Although I guess there might be some benefit in considering why you like what you do because it might spark inspiration of other things you might also like. Then you might have more opportunities to fill your time with nice stuff instead of with the endless waiting for approval (I am familiar with that). I am starting to make a conscious effort to find out what I like and also to reclaim some things I like but which have been tainted by mother, which is harder. Unexpectedly finding I like exercise was the start because that has literally nothing to do with my FOO. They despise exercise and fitness and consider the people who engage in it too stupid to be able to do anything else.

[CactusFlower]

I would second this, Bach, Maybe look at what you think you *don't* like and ask yourself why? For example, I thought for the longest time I hated strawberry ice cream and lime popsicles.  When I started therapy and examining my relationship with Male Parental Unit, I remembered he loved those things, but god help anyone who had some without his permission. So I got some and intentionally ate them... And now I love them. I've also reclaimed liking the color pink. *shrug* just a suggestion, hope it helps. Hugs if you want them!

I am starting to make a conscious effort to find out what I like and also to reclaim some things I like but which have been tainted by mother, which is harder.