Hating This

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Jdog

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Hating This
« on: April 21, 2015, 11:25:01 AM »
I  am usually pretty resilient and upbeat in my posts, but last night was a very difficult one for me and I could use some support.  I found myself becoming more fearful as the evening wore on, and not really inhabiting my own skin. I am not one who has many visual memories of abuse, but a really vivid one is of being struck hard across the face by my Dad at dinner when I had a friend eating dinner with us.  I remember not even knowing what I had done wrong, and being so confused.  Dad was the nicest guy ever in most peoples' eyes and was fun for us at home a lot of the time.  The rest of the time, he was a moody and morose person.  I was afraid of him a lot of the time.  I think some of the reason I don't remember physical violence is that it took place before I was able to form words.  I read somewhere that if you are hurt when you are really small, there are no pictures in your head to go with the abuse.

I feel guilty because others sound as if they had much more to contend with, but what I have and what I feel are my own and if I am just more sensitive than someone else I guess that is ok.  Anyway, I identified that I was having fear of being hit or struck last night and it really threw me for a loop.  Nobody hits me now - my partner is not like that.  Maybe this came up because I am doing more work on my triggers and am more aware of stuff I once ignored or let go.  I was truly terrified while trying to sleep.  A bit better now, but am still not back to "normal" and have awful G.I. symptoms going on.  Ugh.

Thanks for letting me get this out.  I expect it will help.

JDog

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Trees

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Re: Hating This
« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2015, 04:19:21 PM »
Hi Jdog, those memories from early childhood can be so frightening!  You were just a little kid back then, and utterly powerless against a much much larger abuser possessed of relatively limitless power.  Of course it was terrifying, and your brain doesn't need to remember the pictures in order to remember the terror, and quite vividly.

I know this from personal experience because my father started molesting me when I was a toddler.  Also, he was a very angry person.  When the memories of the terror surfaced in my brain, almost 40 years later, I was completely flattened with the strength of the emotion.  No amount of reasoning with myself could alleviate the fear, for a long time.  Medication helped, and the passage of time helped.

In hindsight, I think it would have helped me to spend more time directly comforting the inner child, the molested toddler part of my brain.  I would have tried to be more loving to that part of me.

Jdog, please take good care of yourself, as much as possible.  Love that child that you were.  Stay in touch!    :hug:     :hug:     :hug:

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Jdog

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Re: Hating This
« Reply #2 on: April 21, 2015, 04:22:12 PM »
Thank you, Trees.  I may never have pictures to go with the terror, and don't want to feel like I am inventing memories of stuff that did not take place.  I just know that I have been doing much healing and inner child work and it seems like some days I feel worse than ever.  Thanks for your positive and helpful words.

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Trees

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Re: Hating This
« Reply #3 on: April 21, 2015, 04:41:30 PM »
Emotion memories are as real as picture memories.  Believe what your brain is telling you.  It is not casually inventing tales of terror, IMHO.

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keepfighting

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Re: Hating This
« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2015, 12:38:18 PM »
Sorry it took so long to respond to your post but I got triggered by the scene at the dinner table - too close for comfort. Your f should never have treated you like that - there is no excuse for it.  :hug:

Anyway, I identified that I was having fear of being hit or struck last night and it really threw me for a loop.  Nobody hits me now - my partner is not like that.  Maybe this came up because I am doing more work on my triggers and am more aware of stuff I once ignored or let go.  I was truly terrified while trying to sleep. 

 :bighug:

Whatever triggered this fear was probably something that triggered the child JDog, not the resilient adult version of you who lives in a safe environment - so it was maybe something very basic like a smell or a certain shade of light - something intuitive that is not obvious to adults. At least that's what I noticed in my own recovery: my IC reacts to different triggers than adult me and needs to be comforted differently, as well (right now, I'm trying to sing lullabies to IC since she often gets triggered just before falling asleep).

I feel guilty because others sound as if they had much more to contend with, but what I have and what I feel are my own and if I am just more sensitive than someone else I guess that is ok.

 :applause:

I am very glad that you are not invalidating your own fear and hurt. Acknowledging and validating that our feelings and (re)actions were justified under the circumstances is so very important on our way to self acceptance and self love.

I hope you're feeling better now and the fear and terror hasn't returned. Kudos to you!

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Jdog

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Re: Hating This
« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2015, 02:32:02 PM »
KF-

Your kind and soothing words come at a very good time, and I appreciate them (and you) so very much.  I am sorry that you were triggered by my recollection.  It sounds like we are both having one of "those" weeks.

I am going to spend the day cheering myself up the best I can.  The adult me lives with a partner who is chronically ill, and just found out about one more layer to her disabilities.  I am the bread winner - teach high school full time - and she runs her own business out of our home.  Being the happy (recovering slowly) codependent, I am not upset about needing to do most of the cooking, shopping, yard work, etc. (she really does do all she can) but this morning I am just sad.

Thanks again.

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keepfighting

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Re: Hating This
« Reply #6 on: April 25, 2015, 08:14:28 PM »
Thank you for your kind words, JDog.

We're bound to get triggered by posts sometimes, but we're also bound to help one another deal with it. That's what makes this place so special.  :yes:

I'm sorry to hear your partner is facing so many difficulties. Must be a lot to cope with for the both of you.

Hope you'll be able to recharge your batteries after the week you've had.  :hug:
« Last Edit: May 11, 2015, 01:40:20 PM by keepfighting »

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Indigochild

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Re: Hating This
« Reply #7 on: May 12, 2015, 11:44:07 AM »
Hi Jdog

I hope your doing ok. These memories are I'm sure very difficult to deal with.
I know this thread is not recent - recent, but i have a question that you ..might be able to answer..we'll see.

I have heard that you feel better before you feel worse, and its because you are no longer ignoring memories and feelings that you have been ignoring, repressing, avoiding for so long.

I have heard that when abandonment fears are triggered, it is normal for hypervigilance to set in.
Something happened recently, which meant a friend (person i wished could be a mum to me) stopped talking tome, then she had a death in her family. I felt that she had gone away before, but that now she would definitely be gone with her grief.
Hypervigilance - never had this before- only socially so i never noticed it...but i had this fear that the person that had died would come back and hurt me. I have been afraid to be in the house alone, especially upstairs where i imagined the tragedy to happen (i pictured their house, but it looked just like mine), and I am always scared at night- hearing all sorts of sounds, thinking she's coming to get me and that my partner wont hear her doing whatever to me.

When you say that if things happen when you are very young- there is no visual memory-
Since then, i have been afraid (getting better) of my partner, especially at night, and i keep thinking that *he could do anything he wants to me*.
I wanted to ask...does anyone have any idea where these *fears* may be coming from?
I have thought about possible sexual abuse as a child.
My parents used to tell me i used to fall out of bed. I remember a vague distorted memory of me lying on my bedroom floor, i can see the carpet, and i am lying by my bed looking at my night light.
mum told me one morning that i had felt asleep with my dressing gown on, so dad came in and took it off as he thought i would get too hot.
I know this is all quite vague.

You said to believe what your emotions and brain is telling you...do you think that i should trust that these random fears i am having in the present represent some aspect of the past?

Any opinions would be...great...









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Jdog

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Re: Hating This
« Reply #8 on: May 12, 2015, 04:41:44 PM »
Indigochild-

As you know, these issues are quite complex.  It sounds as though you likely did have some trauma as a child and may not have a visual memory to go,with the trauma.  This, then, can be triggered by events in the present day.  It sounds like you have a lot going on in relationships that is  causing fears to be reactivated.  This is stuff that you will be processing as best you can.  I think thatbit is a delicate balance between accepting that your EFs are caused by present events triggering past (unknown) terrors and then doing the best you can to get back into the reality that you are actually safe in the here and now.  It takes a lot of practice, but gets easier....at least in my experience.

I have gone through a bunch of EFs in the past two weeks but am coming out of them just fine and feel safer now.  Try to remember that emotions cannot hurt you and if you let the, pass through you they will go more quickly than if you try and cling onto them.

Hoping you are doing a bit better now.