no returns

[sanmagic7]

i was looking for something pos. to label this journal, and at the moment i couldn't find anything.  so, here it is.

at my last session, i found it difficult to talk to my T about what's going on w/ me cuz it felt like i was ripping a bandage off a wound that hadn't healed yet and everything ended up raw and oozing all over again.  i think that's why i've stayed away from writing here - it brings it all up again, everything i'm trying to pack down so it doesn't overwhelm me.

feeling fear is still so new, and so very awful.  i truly don't know how people have lived w/ it all their lives.  don't know how they've lived w/ any of their emotions, to be honest.  it still feels very new, extremely painful, and the hurt i've accumulated over the yearscan now slam me like a sledge hammer.  i know i couldn't have made it thru my life if i'd had them, tho. 

that's a tough realization for me as well.  but at the same time i can look back at everything and see how being unemotional saved me, even tho it took its toll on me and others in different ways.  ugh, that hurts to admit it.

i'll leave it there.  i don't want to go to mexico to live - that would be a very last resort.  too hot, too dirty (i lived in the desert), culture of poverty w/ its own unique perspective.  no, i really don't want to return to that.  and that sentence gave me the title for this journal.  i really don't want to return to where or what i was, so i'll keep pushing forward as best i can, thru the hurt and pain.

  i'm working on getting my faith in myself back.  it's gotten buried under everything.  knowing i can manage or deal with whatever comes my way has gotten me to where i've wanted to go in life.  didn't really have hope, but i had that faith in me.  it was a good thing to have and i want to feel it, know it, again. 

[Papa Coco]

San,

This is an insightful post. I'm one who has lived in fear since birth. It is exhausting for sure.  I'm truly sorry you're feeling it now.

I know fear has a purpose. Fear, in proper doses, is the trigger for the Fawn-Freeze-Flee-Fight response. It drives us to finding solutions to unwanted situations. But while it is happening, fear is painful.

Over the years I've watched my wife and S1, both of whom are on the spectrum, boldly face life with less fear than me. But when fears do come up for them, I can see the struggle in their eyes. It's an emotion they're not used to dealing with.

On a positive note: Fear only lasts for them until the danger leaves. For that I'm envious. Fear seems to be my baseline emotion even on good days. They only feel it when it's warranted.

l hope and pray that your difficult situation leads to a good solution soon. I see why you don't want to move back to Mexico. Now that you've described the desert conditions and the poverty levels, I wouldn't want to move their either. But there are other solutions. I keep you in my prayers that a good solution presents itself soon, and that your faith in yourself becomes strong again.

[Armee]

San, you are truly an amazing woman. 

[Bach]

Lots of love to you, san 

[rainydiary]

San, I resonate with the title of your journal.  I hope you continue to move toward what feels right for you.

[sanmagic7]

PC, thanks for your response.  i know fear is also a signal that there's danger, which is why we take on one of the 4 F's, to keep ourselves as safe as possible.  the idea that i feel like i'm in danger now is awful, especially since i wouldn't let it come up to warn me in the past.  one thing about now is i think i feel safe enough w/ my D and lack of N's in my life to feel this emotion.  still, it sucks!

armee, you always say the most amazing things!  thank you so for your kind and generous words.  actually, when i read what you wrote the first half dozen times, i couldn't let them in.  they're so heartfelt, i could feel your sincerity, but could not take it in - still not used to feeling it from others.  my timing has been off for so long, i guess this time what you said truly hit me.   

bach, i so appreciated that love.  this, too, i was able to feel, but only after several times of seeing it.  i've blocked that part of me as well, and i think it's only beginning to thaw.  thank you for writing this.  it's wonderful,

rainy, thank you, i hope so, too.  i hope so for you as well.

reading what i've just read in response to everyone, this is part of not being able to feel my emotions - i haven't been able to feel the good ones, either.  like i've been living in a vacuum.  it's nice to be able to give a reality (or at least start to) to such wonderful sentiments expressed to and about me.  it's a little scary, actually.

[Armee]

Sometimes I don't know why I write what I choose to write San. There was so much pain and suffering in what you wrote and what you've gone through and what you are going through...your fear is incredibly legitimate as is the pain. But what just shone through to me through it all is how remarkable you are. You could have kept your eyes closed. You could have kept everyone and everything shut out. You could have fully given up. You've done none of that. You did what you needed to survive and you keep going slowly trying to peel back layer by layer to be a free-er version of yourself.

[Papa Coco]

Here here! I agree with Armee,

San, you really are a remarkable person. Being able to verbalize what you're going through, and how you struggle with emotions is impressive. I agree with Armee, that it takes a remarkable person to be so insightful about your emotions.  My wife and son both won't do that. Neither will admit that they struggle with emotions. Neither is progressing into happier lives. Their emotional struggles are not being addressed. You're more tuned in than most people.

You're still in my prayers. I won't stop until things smooth out for you.

[sanmagic7]

armee and PC, i can't address this.  this is my third attempt.  thank you both for giving me these gifts.   

[Armee]

 

[Bach]

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, san. You are so brave for processing things that can be so scary. I am very glad you're here. May many more positive emotions come your way.

[sanmagic7]

this is the first day i've been able to come here because of the 'privacy error' message i was receiving.

armee, thank you for that hug.  wonderful.

bach, loved that big hug.  thanks

CF, thank you for your kind words and well wishes.  those pos. emotions, yeah, they're kind of difficult to feel as well.  *sigh*  little by little, right?

we still don't know if we'll be allowed to stay in our apt., so that's continuing to bang on my mind.  i'm still having occasional anxiety attacks before bed, am always anxious once my D leaves the room.  it's got to be a trigger about something, but i'm not sure what.  abandonment?  being alone? not knowing how to be on my own?  i've got a pretty strict ritual once i come into my room so that i can settle and eventually, w/ the help of meds, fall asleep.  but i'm scared of lying in bed w/o falling asleep right away cuz of those ugly thoughts and rememberances that will grab me and not let me go.

i think the ritual is one way of feeling some kind of control, or i'd float out the window.  i still have so little sense of me, i think.  i've got therapy in a few, i'm sure i'll talk to her about it.

[Blueberry]

san, I'm hoping for certainty for you and your d on staying in your apt!

[Armee]

 

I'll look forward to a post-T update and will send hugs for now along with hopes for stability.