no returns

[Not Alone]

 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, so am i!  we have a plan we think will work, but haven't been able to get to the office yet - no energy to take that on.  it's sitting in the back of my mind and slowly drains me each day.  ugh! thanks for your well wishes - much appreciated

thanks, armee.  i appreciate both. very much.

notalone, i love that big hug.  thank you!

my T and i talked about this nighttime anxiety issue of mine, and acknowledged that we've tackled it at least 3 times w/ emdr processing, each time w/ a slightly different angle or situation, and this time i had another, slightly different bent on it.  we've gone thru the coldness i felt when i was a child cuz i was never tucked in, never hugged and kissed before bed, the fact that hub #1 wanted to stay up late and party, and i'd go to sleep on my own w/ him being mad at me for doing so, my ex who had his nighttime ritual and rarely came to bed w/ me, and my mex. hub who'd fall asleep before me most every night cuz of working 12-hr. days.

so, being on my own at bedtime for various reasons incl. various people, and i'd get triggered when left alone while my D went to bed. my T took out my anxiety at night with one sentence - 'well, you do have c-ptsd.'  that made so much sense to me, clicked in my brain, and i haven't felt that anxiety for the past 2 nights.  what a difference one observation can make!  yay!!!  i consider it a win.

still haven't been able to get stability about our housing situation.  it's weighing on me, tho.  can't really get out from under it and don't know when my D will be able to do this.  she's been struggling lately, too.  so, we're still up in the air.  so draining.

[Armee]

Being up in the air with regard to housing is seriously destabilizing. Hang in there. It's all you can do. One day at a time for now.

There are so many different sources of your nighttime anxiety, all very valid reasons to feel unsettled. And T is so very right to say "well you do have cptsd." Right. It's complex...the origins, the fixes, the healing patterns....it's complex. Tonight when I go to bed I'll be pulling up covers around your shoulders, too, settling you in with maybe a stuffy and smoothing your hair out of your face and giving you a warm smile and wishes to sleep tight. You deserved that from all your caretakers, including exHs. 

[Blueberry]

Being up in the air with regard to housing is seriously destabilizing. Hang in there. It's all you can do. One day at a time for now.

Seriously. I've just been through it, it was awful. + cptsd.

Your T has a large point, so does Armee.

And T is so very right to say "well you do have cptsd." Right. It's complex...the origins, the fixes, the healing patterns....it's complex.

My favourite quote of the month.

[Not Alone]

I often have trouble sleeping. My T said that it is common with trauma.

Other than virtually, I haven't started looking for a place to live yet. Even virtual looking is super stressful. I really hope that you get to stay where you are. I hope you get a positive answer soon.

[sanmagic7]

once again, you brought tears to my eyes, armee, and when i went to bed i could imagine being tucked in and cared about and it was lovely.  thank you for that image.  and thanks for the validation about going thru anything w/ c-ptsd.  i forget how much of a difference it makes, how much of an impact it produces, and how much more difficulty it can cause in anything remotely out of the ordinary.  so, yeah, big things, repeated things, are going to cause more than the usual problems. 

blueberry, you've done so great maneuvering thru your move, i commend you.  thanks for the support.  since i got to the states (well, that was a tremendous move in itself) 5 yrs. ago, i've lived in 3 different places already.  i actually cannot envision another move.  like my mind freezes at the prospect.  but, yes, one foot in front of the other.   

hey, notalone, i agree w/ your T.  sleeping is supposed to give us rest, allow our everything to regroup, yet at the same time it's also when our subconscious can run wild.  i've had a fear of not being able to sleep for so many decades, now, and that's playing a part here, too.  hopefully, that part is going into its own bag, cuz i really don't have reasons that i can't sleep in or go back to sleep or take a peaceful nap anymore.  sometimes it's hard to remember that.

and, i agree, even virtual searching can be extremely stressful.  best to you w/ all that.  thanks for you support. 

i was able to purposefully stay up to do editing last nite, and it was great.  normally, i'm anxious about getting to sleep, falling asleep, staying asleep, but i was able to put all that aside last nite and do what i wanted.  i slept well and long enough.  maybe i'm beginning to be able to look this dragon in the eye and say 'you have no power over me' (i know that was from 'labyrinth' but what the heck - it worked here for me!)

haven't had anxiety since fri. nite, either.  putting that concept in my head about having c-ptsd seems to have settled something down which had been restless and overwhelming.  so much fear around sleep for so long, so much aloneness surrounding it.  geez, at least w/ one-night stands, i usually had more touch, more validation as a woman, and more desire toward me than i had from all 3 hubs combined!  weird to think about it - where it was supposed to be a given, it was taken by their own crapola.

so, we still wait.  we have to get the paper from my D's friend saying she's employing my D, and i'm not sure when that will happen.  soon, i hope.  sitting on this uncertainty  is driving me mad!  ugh!  well, pretty sure we'll get what we need in the next two weeks, which will allow us to know if we have a place to live or not.  i'm frozen when attempting to picture what leaving here might look like.  frozen, yet it's still buzzing around the back of my mind that in a few months we might be homeless.  too much.

[sanmagic7]

went to the office today and it sounds a bit more hopeful.  we were told that there were losses for apt. owners because of the pandemic, which is why rents are now getting jacked up so high as compensation, so to speak.  ugh.  i just hate this whole thing, but it seems like my D will be able to enter a projected amt. of earnings for the year, which they okay'd last year,  so it looks a little bit more like we'll be ok here.  still not totally in the clear for another month or so, but this feels better than the way it did.

my nighttime anxiety has still been kept at bay, which is nice for a change.  my D and i are in editing mode, so nothing heavy in therapy this morning.  i need my brain to function on words, etc,. rather than trauma.  it's a good distraction, actually, but i feel pretty tired.

[Not Alone]

Glad to hear there is more hope for staying in your apartment.

Trauma takes the language part of the brain offline, so good call on not dealing with heavy issues in therapy today.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone, for your validation.  it always helps to hear it. 

i'm i don't know.  vague, bloated, out of sorts.  my D had a panic attack 2 nites ago, i was up w/ her during the nite for several hours until she calmed down enough to go back to bed.  it completely up-set my system and it was her b-day yesterday so my routine was knocked out of the park.  need a few days to re-group.  off to the porch.

[Armee]

 

[rainydiary]

I hope your routine starts to feel more usual soon.

[sanmagic7]

armee, loved that big hug.  thank you so. 

thanks, rainy.  i really hope so, too.

my T told me something that i've been chewing on since yesterday.  i mentioned that i've had thoughts of D1 and wanting to reach out to her, ask her why i should respond to someone (she hasn't gotten in touch, this is just my own crap talking) who has been consistently critical, abusive, and disrespectful.  i just want to make this right between her and me.  i've been NC q/ her for over 8 yrs. and it still sucks at my insides every day.

when i told my T about this latest thought she told me the part of my brain that belongs to mothering (i'm paraphrasing) continues to hunt and search for any way to live up to its expectations of being a mother - basically to protect, soothe, and love - which i'm denying myself by going NC.  it feels like a vicious dilemma to tackle, yet it made a lot of sense to me.  i'm hoping that w/ some emdr processing next week i'll be able to somehow turn that part off - she's 45 now, has had plenty of chances to turn her life around, has had plenty of examples of willingness on my part to care for her when she's been ill or injured, etc.

all those reasonings are there, consciously, but getting rid of that primal mothering responsibility is a doozy.  i don't know how it might be done, but i'm willing to give it a try.  living like this has been a walking H***!  i was able to get some anger out about her yesterday, tho, which felt good.  several years ago i remember writing here that when i've been exceedingly frustrated, i'd go 'kill some zombies'. (plants vs. zombies game).  i did the 'whack a zombie' mini game yesterday, each one of those whacks was another spurt of anger.  it was great to remember that little trick i'd found for myself and bring it back into my present.

with a sigh, i think of my D1, and it's so sad.  my T told me there'd be at least 2 layers of grieving to deal w/.  not looking forward to that.

[Armee]

My heart is sinking with yours looking at at least 2 layers of grief. And as hard and painful as it will be, if it provides some relief from the day to day suffering it'll be worth it.

[Not Alone]

when i told my T about this latest thought she told me the part of my brain that belongs to mothering (i'm paraphrasing) continues to hunt and search for any way to live up to its expectations of being a mother - basically to protect, soothe, and love - which i'm denying myself by going NC.  it feels like a vicious dilemma to tackle, yet it made a lot of sense to me.

That makes sense to me too. My Mom-heart is sad for the intense grief that Mom-San feels.

[sanmagic7]

armee and notalone, thank you for your continuing support.   

i'm shaking right now, and it's getting worse.  earlier we were watching a british comedic show whose humor is sometimes a little rough, and i got hit smack dab in the face w/ one man describing . .. . .


TW*********************************  adult sex stuff  **********************************

that the way he'd like to leave the world was by masturbation and autoeroticism.  altho he wasn't planning to die, it is what i eventually found out my ex was engaged in for over 10 yrs. in our marriage.   when he finally told me about it (he'd seen a sex T, who sent him to SA, but really no other therapy around it - just sent him for the addiction) i was terrified every nite, even tho i didn't know it until way later, that i'd find him in our living room, dead.

after i moved to mex., he told me he no longer attended meetings, because they had no point for him since i'd left the marriage, which let me know he never really worked the program, nor thought he had a problem, except for me.  then i was terrified that my girls would walk into the house one day and find him dead. 

i guess it's no wonder i'm shaking right now, getting worse.  i've taken some meds, maybe will go out and have a cig, try to calm down.  i grew ramrod stiff when i was watching that part of the show, and was eventually able to settle a bit - it was dark in our room so my D didn't notice my reaction - and thought i'd be able to fly by this.  i'm berating myself for having this reaction now, like i'm conjuring up the memories on purpose and making myself feel terrible when i should be able to leave it in the past.

thought i could write it out here, get it out of me, feel better, but i just want to cry, my chest is so tight, and my being is vibrating.  cptsd.