no returns

[Armee]

Oh, San. I'm sorry. That sounds difficult and confusing. Stay safe.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee.  it has been stressful, but i accomplished my major aim, which was to get him to stop contacting my D.  i believed if he had access to me, he'd leave her alone.  i'll deal w/ the fallout from it, whatever it might be.  he and i have a complicated history since the 60's.  it'll work out for the best in the end, tho.  i'm quite sure about that.

did some work last week on the sex addiction issue w/ my ex.  very difficult, lots of sets, but i think it's made an impact.  last nite we watched some outtakes from Big Bang Theory and one of them was about the scene that sent me out of the room the week before.  i just panicked, closed my eyes, stated yelling 'no, no, no' to my D, and made gibberish noises so i couldn't hear anything. 

it was a reflex reaction, but all the while i was thinking 'i could deal with this now'.  in someone else's journal there was a bit of a discussion about how we can sometimes think 'i've got this now' or 'i don't think i need therapy anymore'.  i believe my reaction and my thoughts were so far away from each other, it gives me pause as i write about it now.  how those 2 polar opposites made themselves known at the very same time, one making a lie out of the other.

at times, this stuff is fascinating even while it's awful.

[Armee]

It is fascinating San and I've experienced extreme examples of the same phenomenon.

But maybe you were right that you could deal with this now, and maybe covering your ears and making gibberish sounds is not so contradictory to that thought. Maybe that is a way to deal with it...block it out so you can continue on with D and the show?

I'm so sorry you are in a position of having to let someone back into your life so he will leave D alone. But I trust you that you've got this. 

I can't imagine the layers and level of trauma embedded in what your ex put you through with his sex addiction.  hugs to you as you go through processing the pieces.   

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee.  i so appreciate your insight and support.

like i told my T, the stress of this situation is better than the trauma stress i experience.  i even found myself, when thoughts of my ex came up, saying the other guy's name over and over, and it blew the trauma crapola away.  so, it was nice to have that work for me.  right now he's taking a break from me - his wife died a month ago, and we have a complicated history, to say the least.  but i told him some of my trauma stuff, and i have no idea how that landed w/ him.  we'll see.

just doing day by day right now.  i have a sleep study interview coming up on the 12th.  should be interesting.  i've done one of the overnight studies about 30 yrs. ago, and they came up w/ restless legs syndrome (rls).  sleep apnea wasn't on anyone's radar back then, i don't think, or i didn't display any signs of it at the time.  so, i've been on meds for sleep since then.  we'll see what happens this time, if they'll even bring me in.

shrink tomorrow.  she's decent, gives me my meds w/o hassle. 

really no problems w/ either of these, don't have to go anywhere, but i can feel the anxiety building up.  i hate this crapola.

[sanmagic7]

i learned 2 major things this morning w/ my T that hadn't really hit me the same way before.  i was processing some of the sex stuff about my ex and my D's, when i came up with the idea that i wished i could've done more to get to the reality of what D1 told me about a certain situation.  i did my best to protect my D's after i'd heard, but felt helpless that i couldn't do more.  i said i did the best i could in the situation.

my T pointed out to me that such a statement was one of compassion for myself.  huh.  compassion, i would never have guessed that.  she also told me i did the best i could in an impossible situation.  that struck a bell w/ me as well.  the idea of doing anything positive in an impossible situation, that it truly was an impossible situation.  as in not possible to fix, alter, make any better than i had.  impossible.

and i said, yeah, how can anyone actually do anything if a situation is impossible?!  there's such a finality to that thought which i'd never gotten to before.  we did quite a bit of processing, and i'm still wondering where it will all stick. she asked me what i'd thought when my D1 told me about it happening, how i felt, i told her i basically thought 'o my god, this isn't over yet!  it keeps happening!' and i remember feeling weary to the bone w/ all this crapola. 

and i remembered back to another occasion, after spending years w/ D1, her maladies, her SI, her abuse, my darling D called me into her room one afternoon, a bottle of pills in her hand, telling me she'd just taken a bunch.  i remember having the same exact thought, that here we go again, and it was up to me to take care of the situation.  weary of it all, yet somehow finding what i needed to do exactly that.

i'm still weary.  all this financial stress, all the disability stuff, going out delivering w/ my D is wearing me down once again.  i'm carrying too much, yet i have to anyway.  weary.  my word of the day, of much of my life.  some relief would be nice.

[Armee]

 

I have so much compassion for you in that hug and so many words to say but typing right now is too hard but I hope you feel me with you here.

[sanmagic7]

i do feel you with me, armee.  thank you so much for your compassion on my behalf.  it helped and felt really good.

[sanmagic7]

i have a zoom appt. for sleep disorder in a few hours, and i can feel the anxiety ramping up.  some of the anxiety stems from doing a zoom call, which i know nothing about.  my D is going to set it up on her computer, but i've got all the worries about it it decides to freeze, go wonky, something goes wrong and i don't know how to fix it.  she won't be home at the time, which is why my anxiety is so high about this.

i swear, when it comes to technology, i AM a dinosaur.  we had to call a place yesterday about some financial stuff, and i can't even imagine going thru the process my D went thru w/ them.  i needed meds afterwards, took the rest of the day off in front of the tv, and i hadn't said a word.  i just watched her navigate all the website stuff and got drained by it.

as far as the situation w/ that guy goes, i'll call him X, i discovered i had a lot of stress about whether he was going to decide he didn't want to do this anymore.  he's a long, lost love, and i made the wrong decision about who to be w/ 60 yrs. ago.  yep, the one that got away.  so now he's grieving his wife of 50 yrs., and seemingly has latched onto me.  very sweet, sends me music to listen to, asks me questions, answers mine.  i don't know what this is, where it's going, but i've been able to use his name several times now to ward off bad memories, and i'm grateful for that. 

[rainydiary]

Best wishes with the Zoom appointment.

[Moondance]

I'm sending encouraging thoughts your way Sanmagic7 regarding the zoom meeting in particular.  You can do this. 

When I read about X having a positive influence with your bad memories I felt joy for you.  How sweet is that that 1. That his name wards off bad memories and 2. This even reached as far as little old me and had a positive effect on me.

Caring sent your way

[Armee]

 

I hope the technology worked for you. It's hard to use until you're used to how to operate it and find things like the camera and audio. But doctors offices are used to working with people who haven't used it before so I guarantee there was no judgement if you struggled to get it to work. 

But yikes yes the stress!!!

X sounds like a potentially tricky situation, but also one where maybe there's something being offered that might help with healing, regardless of what happens long term. I hope you get some joy from this.   

[sanmagic7]

thanks, rainy.  more later.

i appreciated the encouragement, moondance.  and, yeah, sometimes it's weird how something/someone unrelated to our lives can impact them anyway. thanks for your thoughts.

armee, my D set it all up for me, so it worked fine. thank you for your concern about my 'tricky' situation. my D can't stand him cuz of her own experience w/ him, but his presence has been helping me stave off the trauma flashbacks.  when she was setting me up for zoom, we had to go thru my email, and his name was on there a lot.  i knew she'd see it, and she did, and she 'whooshed' out a giant breath when she saw all his emails.  i talked to my T about it, came to the conclusion that she's still got her relationship w/ her father who she knows was awful to me, but he helps her.  i'm seeing my situation the same way.   

the zoom appt. was so stressful to me that i depersonalized throughout the entire thing.  the guy was ok, clinical but impersonal, but my personality left me.  my voice had no inflection, it was nearly an octave lower than normal, and it was also very small and quiet.  i had no emotions, could barely speak even when i realized this wasn't me, i couldn't change it. 

afterwards, i thought that's what happened the first time i went to see the derm doc.  small voice, no inflection, could barely speak, no eye contact.  this has happened before w/ an interview for an internship.  it was like my true self stayed out in the hallway when i went thru the door.  i didn't get the internship. 

i checked out depersonalization and what i read said it can happen when a person feels under an immense threat.  i guess that's where i've gotten to now - feeling so threatened by the medical profession my 'self' runs away, leaving a shell to deal w/ the situation.  funny, tho, when i went back to the derm doc and was given proper topical pain - can't think of the word - i was able to speak up and be myself.  this stuff is frickin' weird.

[sanmagic7]

i just realized that i'm a bit stymied w/ this new platform?  is that what this is?  i lost my picture, don't know how to get that back (someone helped me last time), don't see any 'updated topics' that i used to rely on, and don't see 'messages'. any help?  or does this need to go to kizzie.  this stuff just swirls my brain and a feel all whack-a-doodle.

[Armee]

Yeah it's rough. The changed format.

I haven't tried to look for the pictures yet. But for updated topics for me on my phone I see  ABOVE the Out of the Storm banner a little black bell with a number in a circle that's where me unread messages show up. It took me awhile to find it.

[Moondance]

I really agree how this stuff is so weird.  I, for example can be more me with my T than anyone else.  And the other day when I was at the doctor's office I was so not myself.  The first time I met my doc I was more myself but as she dismisses me, is rude to me, disrespect me I get weirder with her everytime or in her presence I get weirder.   And I actually tell myself before I see her to breath, speak up, but I don't.  Well unless sometimes I get so frustrated, tongue tied, almost stammering to get the words out. 

So I can so relate to this San.  It does not feel good to not have control over this.