no returns

[sanmagic7]

thank you, moondance, for your care and support.  i've gotten more of that here, from strangers, and it sometimes amazes me.  mostly because i know my parents were abused, they did their best, but they were not emotionally present at all.  it helps explain my lack of emotions/feelings, which i'm just beginning to understand and know in the past few years.  i hope you get to the place of being able to accept support and care for what it is. you deserve it, too.

NK, i looked up epigenetic trauma, and yeah, i can totally relate.  thank you for that.  the 'knowing' instead of believing or feeling or some kind of awareness is very different.  i'm still processing.

like i said, still processing this.  i can tell i'm staying away from it, giving it some distance in my mind, can't go too near it yet.  instead, i've been eating like crazy, craving sugar, wanting to give my brain something else to concentrate on.  i'm feeling wary of approaching the topic cuz i feel like i'm in the midst of an existential crisis.  i'm teetering on a tightrope of sanity, very purposefully putting one foot in front of the other to get thru the day.

the 'seizure' experience will have to be explored tomorrow w/ my T.  i think if she would have seen it she would've been horrified.  it may help explain why so many of my unfelt emotions/feelings result in psychosomatic manifestations.  my brain can't always manage all this 'newness' of feeling emotions i never felt before, and this experience sent it over the top, it seems.  anyway, more resting, more just get thru today, get to tomorrow, it's all i have to do.

[Moondance]

 

[sanmagic7]

love that big hug, moondance.  thanks so much.

one thought that went thru my mind the other day was i don't know how people have been able to live believing they're not worthy of care and love.  it was similar to the thought i had a couple years ago when i consciously felt fear for the first time.  it felt so awful to me that i didn't understand how people have lived their lives feeling such a terrible (to me) emotion.

i guess it was part of my survival mechanism at work - to not feel, to not know, to not realize or recognize.  it's weird to think that finally, in old age, i'm beginning to understand who i am, know who i am, and define myself.  too weird to think on this for more than a few seconds.

[Moondance]

Yes definitely a survival mechanism kicked in for me as well Sanmagic7.

When I look back at my work life I see that my work was my life. I got lost in each job.  I think I believed at my core that I could lean on a job for support.  Gosh that is sad.    What I accomplished in my work gave me some value.  And it seems now that I have actual time to think things thru (as much as i can tolerate) each job I have had has been abusive to me in some form. 

Since I, as a person did not ever feel valued  I "produced" to feel or get value.  I think that kept me going for a long while. 

I'm no longer able to "produce" much of anything - therefore have no value as I knew it.  To go forward that has to change but that seems insurmountable at the moment.  As you nentioned Sannagic7 one step in front of the other is what I can muster. Gosh I'm a poet and I didn't even know it.   

I'm able to value each of you and know your worth but have great difficulty knowing or believing in my own worth. 

Here is to learning, getting to know ourselves and defining ourselves and hopefully valuing ourselves.


 

[Armee]

  

[rainydiary]

San, I resonate with not feeling and not thinking on that stuff.  I appreciate your example because it reminds me that we are constantly learning no matter our age.

[sanmagic7]

moondance, thanks so much for your continuing support.  it certainly is rough to be an unformed/undefined shell of a person.  i also get the having to 'produce' to be of value.  sucks that we weren't shown how to be whole from the beginning.   

armee, 2 big hugs!  thank you my dear. 

rainy, i agree we can continue to learn no matter what our age.  unfortunately, i know too many people who stopped cuz they thought they knew everything they needed.  they've often turned out to be judgmental and unaccepting.  too bad.  not here, tho.

i've been pondering the difference between deserving of and being worthy of.  i remember my D once telling me i didn't think i deserved nice things.  i told her that wasn't true - one of my dreams has been to spend a few nights in a 5-star hotel.  that feels pretty swanky and decadent to me, but i'd love the experience.  but this idea of being unworthy of kindness, attention, caring, gentleness, affection, etc. is a whole different ball game.

i've had plenty of compliments, accolades, accomplishments, 'i love you's', etc. in my life and i never once4 thought i didn't deserve them.  i know i've worked my tail off to make those things happen.  after the humiliating way i was treated by my folks when i was 14 when i came to them in a meltdown about feeling so very lonely, i set about constructing a new me so i would never feel lonely again.

it took a few years, mistrials, errors, but by the time i was a senior i was popular, had a ton of friends, my boyfriend was a BBall player, plus i did really well in school.  i lived as that construct most of my life since then.  she knew what to say, how to compliment people so they'd feel good and want to be around her, and kept learning about how to keep people liking her.  she never wanted to feel lonely again.

so, yeah, i never had a problem accepting gifts, compliments, etc. cuz i felt i deserved them for being the person i was.  this new revelation, however, about not feeling worthy, is a different feeling.  the construct girl was all surface shiny.  the unworthy girl was gray and neutral. to think now that i've lived my entire life unable to feel worthy of the real, human things, has nearly blown my mind, and not in a good way.

my T asked me if i still feel unworthy.  i told her i was the one who, in a presentation or seminar setting, could write 20 good things about myself w/o thinking about it.  i knew all those parts of me.  but, buying something new for myself isn't in my wheelhouse.  i've grown up learning how to make do, when it comes to material things.  i also learned how to make do when someone treated me badly. i never learned i was worth anything under the surface.

it's a strange feeling. 

[Moondance]

 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, moondance, for that big hug.  it felt good.

still thinking about all this.  i remember being a little girl, all cute and quirky.  i think i may have modeled my construct on her.  by the time i was 14, she was all but gone.  but i still feel her spirit - that's one thing that's never left me and i'm so glad about that.

this is hard, and i feel like i'm rambling just to get words down and try to make sense of all this.

[Moondance]

I really get that as well San.  It seems to permeate through everything, skewing my views and how I see things and perhaps even others.  I'm hoping my replies are not causing any issues for you.  If yes please do let me know.

It is kinda mind boggling to me how I went thru life feeling this way about myself.

  

[sanmagic7]

no problems, moondance.  it is mind boggling, and mine is still dancing around it.

[Moondance]

Same here San.

I hope you get a reprieve from it no matter how small of one.

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, moondance f9r thatbig hug and support

i'm dealing w/ a physical issue today, doc's office isn't open till tomorro? maybe? it's an eye thing, i've had it attended to 2x before, it's looking like it's going to be an every 6-mo. ordeal.  several years ago i scraped the inside of my eyelid q/ a fingernail, and apparently the cells there don't heal correctly, and cause irritation.  i'm in a lot of pain, am doing eyedrops seve3eral times/day. 

well, it's distracted me from this other stuff.  my D just got an investor, and i found myself thinking that if this is the price for that, i'm willing to pay it. 

until whenever - i need a break from thinking

[Bach]

  

[Armee]

I recall how very painful the eye thing gets. Sending virtual balm to numb the pain.