no returns

[sanmagic7]

thank you all for your support and kindness.  i've tried answering a few journals, but i can't look at the screen, even w/ sunglasses on.  my appt. is a week from today.  i forgot how awful this is. 

[Armee]

 

Your appointment is too far away. 

[rainydiary]

I am hoping for easing of your eye pain.

[Eireanne]

 

[sanmagic7]

armee, rainy, EA, thank you for your hugs and well wishes. i've been doubling my advil and meds to try to keep the inflammation down, which has been helping, but it's not done.  my best wishes to you all.      

[Not Alone]

I hope that you have healing and relief for your eye soon.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone. it's a bit better today.

i'm having a hard time hanging on right now.  my D has been going thru a lot of medical problems, mostly due to her anxiety, and i've been listening to doc reports, blood results, urine tests, probabilities, possibilities, had to file a complaint about the doc she saw who was absolutely awful, telling her basically she had to get her anxiety under control and there are different measures, such as electro-shock therapy that can help.

this isn't even his field. he was also cold, curt, impersonal, denied her a urine test she wanted, harped at her.  at one point i said - do you know what you've just done to her anxiety by saying those things?  his reply - i'm just here to give information.  this was 3 days ago, she's still a wreck from him making her feel like her problems are her fault. i filed the complaint the next day, and the supervisor was taken aback, gasped at the est reference, called what he said and did unacceptable, and assured me she would follow thru w/ the complaint.

all this brought me to a point of wanting to SH, something i'd never thought of before, just to take my mind off all of it. i didn't do anything, but my thoughts then turned to X, reaching out to him for a distraction.  i told my t yesterday i don't think i've ever been so low feeling.  she just said 'too much', and i asked her how many times she's said that to me.  too many times ' about my childhood, each of my marriages, my friendships, icky L, everything i've gone thru w/ D1, and now all this along w/ finances still being unsteady.

it is all too much and i don't know how i can stand being here much longer.  as long as my D is around, i'm safe, but i don't feel a lot of enthusiasm for self-care, my eating is completely out of control, no energy, and this frickin' eye causing my bolts of pain at times, or just over all discomfort.  i'm taking twice as many meds as normal, twice as many advil, just to keep my a bit less stressed (my t asked if the eye thing might be caused by stress), and keep the inflammation down.

i feel like rying, curlin up in a ball, and fading away, but i can't, i'm trapped here, having to find more energy than i have, not wanting any more doc conversations.  she's struggling to eat anything and my heart is breaking to see her suffer like this.  please, someone take care of her.

[Armee]

Oh my God that doctor. I'm sorry you had to summon the strength to file a complaint but so glad for the greater good that you did. Awful.

Hey...pain makes everything much more unbearable. Get through the pain the way you need to with medication and laying low and curling up in a ball. I wish I was there to cook for you both this week.

Your daughter's current very very low mood will shift. We can only stay super low for so long. Eventually life beckons us back to being human again. Embrace the low energy for both of you and hibernate with gusto.  It's what you both seem to need. Embrace it? Life sucks, let's curl up in a ball refuse to eat for the day unless we want to, or eat everything, and watch Tina Turner videos.

When I've had urges its because of the explode-y too much feeling. Maybe writing down each feeling even UUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!! and scribbling with crayons or a pen will help. That feeling of too much especially without a connection to a specific thing, that becomes very unbearable and overwhelming.

[rainydiary]

I am sorry for the experiences with that physician and hope that both you and your daughter find supports in whatever form they may take. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee, you're right about 'too much', especially w/o a concrete connection, or w/ a mixture of the two.  thanks for the suggestion about the urges.  especially the 'ugggh'!  since i can't always know/understand what i'm feeling.  i appreciate you and your support so much. 

thanks, rainy, for the support. much appreciated.

i was thinking about the title of my journal, and i think i named it 'no returns' cuz at the time i was filled w/ a determination not to return to the traumas, to turn my back on them.  unfortunately, that's not working.  they're still there, popping their heads up no matter what, and adding new traumas on top of them.  i wish my journal title would be true, but it's very far away from my truth. i may have to begin a new one.  this simply feels like a lie.

[Eireanne]

When is/was your eye doctor appt?  How are you feeling regarding the eye pain?  I agree with Armee, pain makes everything unbearable.  Even though I don't fully "subscribe" to Spoon Theory, using the term spoon as a relative unit of measure to just say "I don't have the spoon for that" has made me able to say no to things without attaching any sort of feeling to it.  Having things be "too much" and just wanting to take a break from it all is completely valid.  It IS too much, and it's not fair and you need to do whatever it is that feels like what you need. Don't beat yourself up for your eating, or wanting a distraction - there is a LOT to cope with right now. Yes, it's incredibly difficult when life is knocking on that door saying, Hey remember me? responsibility? And you just want to pull your covers over your head until the knocking stops...but maybe find it in small ways. Do whatever you can to just get through this patch. Last night, I found a 10 minute meditation that said just what I needed to hear in that moment - which is rare, but hey, a small win. We are all here, holding space for you.   

[sanmagic7]

thank you, EA, for your kindness and support.  i did see the doc today, i'll write more about it in my new journal - 'too much'.  your words were very calming to me and i appreciated that a lot. 

[Not Alone]

San, I'm sad that things have been so hard and painful and overwhelming. "Too much" for sure.