no returns

[rainydiary]

I am thinking of you San.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, rainy, i appreciate your energy coming my way.

went to the derm doc yesterday and it was quite tortuous.  had 2 precancerous moles burned off my cheek - i held it together a bit for the first one, but was overwhelmed by the pain of the second one, and sobbed and sobbed.  by that time, i was tightening up, as i do for protection against pain, and she found 2 more moles to remove for biopsy.  i told her/the tech that i don't numb well.  as usual, they didn't listen or dismissed it like i didn't know what i was talking about.

sure enough, not only did it hurt injecting the numbing solution in, but she gave it about an extra 5 sec. and began poking me w/ a needle. does this hurt? ow! yes!  another stab, another 5 sec. poke poke. does this hurt now? OW! Yes! 3-4 times i went thru this on each mole being removed, crying, sobbing in pain.  they tried to distract me w/ some squeez-y ball, tried to chat me up, i was having none of it.  No - i don't want that. No - i don't want to talk.  i was crying too hard from the pain to explain what i was doing to stand against the pain.

i used the word 'torture' twice, once after the doc asked me if i was ok. No! this is torture!  i have no patience for docs and the medical profession anymore, know their tricks, ain't falling for them or giving them what they want to hear.  her first question when she entered the office was 'how are you?  standard answer, of course, is 'fine'.  my answer instead was, 'not well, or i wouldn't be here.' it took her back, i could see it in her face she was unnerved for a second before regaining her composure. i don't go to a doc office cuz i'm 'fine'. i guess i'm one angry med. patient.

i'm still recovering from the whole thing today.  at one point i told them 'this is what trauma looks like.' asked if i'd been traumatized before in a medical situation, i gave one answer and she cut me off.  no more of that!

new topic.  so, after working on being wrapped in razor wire last tues., i spent 2 days running from the pain that i was sure i was going to be feeling and dreading it.  well, the universe works in mysterious ways, doesn't it!  looks like a lot of that pain manifested itself in the doc situation.  i was able to transfer the pain from my ex to this medical experience, and i felt calmer about it today (altho i still feel like i've been hit by a truck after tightening my muscles so much against the pain).  it's all still disturbing to me, but i talked to my t today, and she's leaving for 2 weeks, so i told her i'd be working on having her continue to help unwrap those razor wires from around me, and to put antibiotic cream on those cuts on my back where i can't reach.

i did a little of that today, but it's going to be work w/o her help.  i can't flash myself thru it, but i'll give it my best shot.  i did feel a sense of contentment today, something i haven't felt in 20 yrs.  it was when i was on my balcony, looking at my plants.  i sure hope we don't have to move cuz i'm gonna have to leave them behind.  for now, tho, they are my happy place.

[Armee]

 

San I'm so so sorry you had to endure a torturous level of pain multiple times at the doctor. And sad but not surprised the doctor did not listen and hear well when you spoke truthfully.

Your mind is amazing though - truly a remarkable one - to take the pain from the emdr sessions to the doctor with you for a weird release of sorts and I'm glad that helped with the razorwire pain!

You are one brave lady to keep working on unwrapping it! But these little gifts like feeling content for the first time in 20 years make it possible to see the possibility of real relief and so we keep going.

You really are amazing San and you deserve to feel better.

[sanmagic7]

thanks as ever for your support, armee.   

i was like a dog who'd gone to ground yesterday, healing.  i could feel the open wounds on my body and just needed to stay away and still.  i could picture most of the razor wire being off, and salving my wounds, and the physical wounds helped me feel the reality of those emotional wounds from the image i was seeing in my mind.

i feel calmer today, a little less stabby, like the punctures are beginning to close back up.  this physical manifestation certainly put into reality what i'd gone thru w/ him, how much it had actually hurt me when i never felt it at the time, and how much pain he had put me in. i saw on a tv show last nite where someone's trauma re-entered their life, and the doc said 'the body knows' and something to the effect that the mind might push it down but the body never forgets. 

this experience was the epitome of what he said.  another thing, tho, is that i now feel more neutral toward my ex.  the killer hate i was holding has diminished.  it's like i don't care anything about him - maybe that's my mind's wish.  i'm not sure.  but my chest, where i've usually felt feelings surrounding him feels more concave, as in not filled w/ ugliness toward him.  we'll see if that lasts.  for now, it's good.

unfortunately, it's not totally true.  he's trying to arrange to come here to visit w/ my D next month, and as soon as i thought of that, my chest tightened up.  he might not be able to wound me anymore, but any interaction betw. him and her makes my skin crawl.  actually, wounding by proxy.  and i can feel anger lingering back there.  ugh!

[Armee]

I am so happy for some relief at least. How unfair for him to pop back up in your life right when you got untangled though. Wrap yourself in soft cotton batting so that any cuts he tries to make do not cause damage beyond the immediate point in time he is in your life.  Or a forcefield that prevents it from landing or some other amazing protection your mind generates. You can't protect your daughter, that's her job to figure out, other than support her. I'm sorry.

My husband couldn't protect me from the damage my mom was doing but the most supportive thing he said was that he would support me in walking away if that's what I had to do and he would understand and love me and support that decision. Coming from the culture he comes from that was a huge relief just to know he was truly on my side and I wasn't going to disappoint him. I'm not saying the same type of support is what your daughter needs, but just that support of me as a person took this huge huge weight off the whole situation.

[sanmagic7]

armee, thanks so much for your protectiveness and caring about all this w/ my ex.  it feels so good.

my ex will not be visiting me at all - my D told me out of transparency that he's wanted to come visit all year, but that he'd stay in a motel and would not step foot in our place.  i just know how his mind works now, and i dread anything he says to her because i know there's an underlying agenda.  ugh!

well, the past 2 days have been pretty bad.  i realized i was not only dealing w/ the aftermath of the physical pain from the doc, but also w/ the aftermath of connecting that pain to the pain i never felt before because of what he's said, done, not said, not done      it was disturbing my entire being and i felt the stress and distress of that within me.  besides which i have some raw wounds for real on my skin that won't heal for a couple weeks.  that also causes me disturbance.  while they don't actually hurt now, i can feel them, feel there is something not right or whole w/ me.

feelings these feelings/emotions after the fact and at this stage of my sensitivity is harder on me than i ever expected.  i really don't want to feel anymore.

[Armee]

Hey San. 

I'm worried about you this week. This will be tough no doubt. Even without physically being in the same space the proximity by way of your daughter's interactions with him and then her closeness to you brings his energy into your sphere. I know you can find ways to protect and heal yourself though. When you rise back up you find your way through with remarkable creativity and insight. Sending along hugs and love, cozy blankets, cozy drinks and stuffed animals to hug or throw depending on the mood. 

[Elphanigh]

Hi San 

I wanted to come here and just say I caught up on the recent journal entries and can tell you are going through so much. I can't possibly catch up on everything but wanted to read what I could.

I am hoping you are being gentle with yourself today and this week as you navigate all of it. Know that I am thinking of you and that EMS is also there if you need them.   

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee, i've been worried about me this week as well.  dark places. feeling so miserable, so much emotional and mental pain.  thank you for your concern.  so appreciated.

hi, el, so nice to hear from you.  yeah, it's been a lot.  thanks for coming by and wishing me well w/ EMS.  love it!

don't know how i am this morning.  my ear has been acting up the past few days from the stress of this.  i'm very tired of living like this, in misery.  it dawned on me that not only was it miserable at the time, it's even worse now.  this has stripped me of most of the strength i've been running on.  honestly . . .

[rainydiary]

Hi San, thinking of you as you sort this out. 

[Armee]

Moving through it is worse than the numb way we experienced it. Yes. As you are in the dark forest of this though, is it ok if I remind you there's another side and you will come out on it? Each thing we move through. We come out. We feel better. We go back through with more baggage and repeat. Each time we get almost imperceptibly lighter.

[Moondance]

Hi San. 

I have been reading your journals San and I think it's really important you know how valued and appreciated you are.  Thank you doesn't really cover my gratitude for being here with you all.

I support you and stand with you as you are today.

if that's okay

[Bach]

A hug for you, dear san

[sanmagic7]

thanks, rainy - i so appreciate your support.

armee, as always, your words are wise.  thank you for them.  the problem i'm having is that going into this stuff is taking so much more out of me now, and i'm struggling to find my feet.  that's such a horrible feeling, along w/ the pain, and it's getting to me harder than ever.  w/ what my D is going thru adds to the burden, the struggle, the weight.  my knees are crumbling under me a little at a time. it's just so awful right now, i can't see the positives. 

hey, moondance, so nice of you to share such kind words and thoughts with me.  thank you. glad you're here.  hugs are always welcome. 

bach, i loved your hug.  thank you tons. 

am struggling so much w/ all this.  even tho the razor wire is coming off, metaphorically, it's gotten stuck by what i went thru at the doc's.  i'm still feeling the pain, and have even begun being grouchy at times, which is highly unusual for me to be crabby no matter what.  i have so many menial medical things to do each day now, and all they do is remind me that i'm getting old and unwell.  i've even been craving getting drunk as a way to get away from all this.

on top of my problems are those of my D, and it's more and more difficult to be attentive to her when she's walking around scared to death nearly all day every day.  plus, we still don't know if our lease will be renewed - we filled out the paperwork yesterday but have to wait for some of my financial info to come thru the mail.  and i feel those wounds on my body, i know they're there, see 2 of them on my face each time i look in the mirror, which i'm now avoiding.

i just want to cry, drink, smoke, and not give a flying frick about any of this any more.

[Armee]

 

It sounds very heavy right now. It is very heavy right now. Keep doing what you can to feel a tiny bit ok, whatever that takes.