no returns

[sanmagic7]

thank goodness is right, moondance.  thanks for your support and that big hug - loved it!.

thank you so, armee.  i'm am on that break as we speak.  i appreciate your offer so much.

it is encouraging, bach. mostly encourages me to know these 3 1/2 yrs. of therapy are causing changes in my neural networks and trauma responses.  even if the 'happy' feeling doesn't last long, i really enjoy it when it's there.  thanks for your support.

notalone, thanks so much for your anger on my behalf.  it's so validating and i love knowing someone agrees w/ me.

rainy, no kidding!  i dread going to docs, put it off till i can't anymore.  not only do i not want to go, i get a rebellious streak in me afterwards and i don't want to follow up on their suggestions for self care!  i usually am able to calm down and go ahead and do what i think is important infection-wise, etc. but it just brings out a beast in me.  thanks for your support.

so, i'm now in recovery mode.  i'm doing what i'm supposed to for tending my wounds to prevent infection.  it's put me out of sorts knowing i have these 2 open wounds on my body, being able to feel exactly where they are.  a little unnerving, but i'm discovering just how very sensitive to everything that's out of the ordinary i am.  it's kind of a realization, but one that helps me not be frustrated by it, so it's a good thing.  it's just the way i'm built now.

very tired today, tho.  this took it out of me these past 2 weeks.  looking back, tho, it's been a rough few months.  it would be nice to have some smooth sailing for a while.  i could dig that.

[Blueberry]

san, I'm sorry for what you've had to go through in the past little while with doctors, especially them not listening to you, believing you

I know that little rebellious streak you mentioned, so good on you for doing the self-care atm anyway

Hoping for some smooth sailing for you for a while on a broomstick?  Or here's an to shelter under?

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, definitely on a broomstick, as i can be quite the witch when i need to.    we're spirit sisters!  so thanks for that, for picking her out.  just right!   

not much to say.  i can feel within how the stress of all this has gotten to me.    my T should be back tues., but i can't really rely on that cuz she's been getting sick feeling about once a month since she had covid.  my gut feeling is it's long covid, and i can't imagine how she's going to feel after 2 weeks in europe.  hope for the best.  there's so much to unload on her.

[Bach]

I know about the rebellious streak too, san, but thank you for your efforts to take care of my friend 

I never noticed this icon before but she tickles me! 

[sanmagic7]

i agree, bach. i think she's a hoot!  and it really fits me.  and thank you for your concern.

the stress of the past month has physically taken its toll today.  my ear plugged up from the inflammation my body produces under prolonged stress, and it's been quite painful at times.  it's like stress flu - i just need to rest for a few days, keep taking the proper meds, and it will eventually calm down.  one time this happened, it took 6 mos. to clear up.  just one more thing.  so very sick of feeling miserable.

my wounds are being taken care of, but of course i've got that little niggling thought in the back of my mind about not having taken care of them correctly till a day later, infection, another doc visit, etc. etc. etc.  will this never stop!!!?

[Moondance]

 

[sanmagic7]

thank you for that big hug, moondance.  it just allowed me to take both a big inhale and exhale, letting some stress out.  loved it! 

[Armee]

 

One more from me, too.

[Moondance]

It feels really good for me as well Sanmagic, to be able to give a hug in a safe place. 

[sanmagic7]

armee, i'll take it. so beautiful. thank you.

i agree, moondance.  it's very nice to be able to do this

stress flu, ear clogged, moving very slowly.  miserable.  will this never end?  i'm sick of coming here and all i do is complain about how bad i feel.  i think i chucked one good thing in here about feeling happy and grateful, but when i get to feeling like this, all the other good things go away.  hate it!

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
I am so sorry to hear that you're not feeling very well, and I hope that you find some comfort somewhere in the day - I want to pass some warm blankets, if those would help, and perhaps sit with you and enjoy a warm sip of some comforting drink that might help - maybe sniffing some eucalyptus, as that can sometimes clear passages a bit.  Whatever helps you, I hope something does.  Horrible when you feel bad - yucky feeling. 
Take care,   
Hope 

[Armee]

 

Dear San. Hey, it's OK. It's OK to come here and tell us how bad you feel right now. I am so sorry you are suffering again. But you are, and pretending you are not is just a form of self denial so please keep telling us when you feel this way so we can support you through that.

I love reading the days you are joyful and feel well and it's more than just one time. And once this stress flu lifts and the wounds have healed I trust you'll find a spark of joy again. And then you'll move on to conquer the next joy blocker. You are quite amazing and creative as you go through this process. I'm in awe of you, San. 

[Not Alone]

I'm sorry your aren't feeling well. You may feel like you come on here and only complain and say how bad you feel, but that simply is not true. You have personally given me a great deal of kindness and understanding. AND it is okay for you to tell us what is happening with you. I don't see it as complaining.

[rainydiary]

I welcome you coming here to share whatever your experience is. 

[sanmagic7]

hope, i loved the thought of sharing blankets and time together. thank you.

armee, as always, thank you for your kind words.  i appreciate you so much. 

notalone, thanks so much for your encouragement and acceptance.   

rainy, thank you for your welcome no matter what space i'm in.

it's going by inches, as usual when i get this 'flu' from stress.  i was able to do laundry today, but after i folded it, i collapsed in a heap into my chair, completely wrung out.  this has happened so many times.  too many docs, arguments, explanations, hysterics to get what i needed, standing up for myself when i shouldn't have to . . . and the pain, both the physical and emotional pain i've experienced in the past few weeks.  it seems like it's been months.

still under the weather, but hoping to have some energy by the weekend.  my T also cancelled yesterday after being gone for 2 weeks.  i was hoping to emdr away the trauma from the doc stuff.  kind of ticks me off - she'd been on vacation for 2 weeks in europe, and even said in her email she should've given herself more time to regroup.  she's cancelled a lot this year due to feeling crummy.  that was wearing, too.  angry about it, even tho this is the first time i said it aloud.  my D's been saying it since yesterday when she heard of the cancellation.

i'm just too sensitive now to take anything untoward in stride.  that's how it feels.

i've also been doubting my posts lately, worried i've been rambling both here and other places.  my head space just isn't right.  i want to say more than just send a  to someone, but i think i need to stick w/ that for now.  the anxiety about what i'm writing is getting to me.