no returns

[sanmagic7]

thanks, moondance.  he's gone now, and this morning i felt like a great pressure was lifted.   

armee, me, too!  thank you for that big hug - loved it! - and for your support as always. 

as i said, this morning felt like a great pressure has been lifted from my heart? being? soul? but something lifted.  i did find out that she didn't spend as much time w/ him as i thought, so i was glad about that.  otherwise, no real details except he's going to help her out financially, which she desperately needs.  she was also glad to have me back in the passenger's seat while she delivered food.  that felt good.

i did some mental/emotional cleansing yesterday w/ my T - we knew he was gone at 9 cuz my D came home, so we had 10 min. to do some flashing on getting my mind a little cleaned out.  i focused on a shell wind chime i got in mexico, cuz mex. has always been my safe place, and imagined those shells trying to figure out what was the best way to get rid of him.

first they tried covering him up w/ sand, but it didn't work.  then they tried scraping away at him, but too yucky.  finally, they built a sort of wall out of themselves between him and me, and began advancing on him, pushing him backwards away from me.  they kept doing this until they were able to push him into a mighty black hole, and the last image i saw was of him falling backward into the abyss, arms and legs flailing.  it was satisfying.

so, onward. 

[sanmagic7]

  my t canceled again - again! - yesterday and i was really looking forward to helping me emdr thru my fears concerning the heat, leading back to when we first moved in and hit a tidal wave of hothothot!  absolute trauma - i thought i was going to have to be sent to the ER in an ambulance twice - we moved here w/o fans or a/c.  long story short, i was taking showers in my clothes and putting ice packs over my head and heart.  we did get fans, but my D had to call the place where we'd ordered our a/c, tell them it was a medical emergency that we get it sent immediately. 

it was a harrowing exp. and a few days ago when this heat hit, i felt so disturbed somewhere inside i didn't know what to do w/ myself.  the nite before i realized my chest was tight, which is my cue to fear. i was terribly scared from the other experience, but had to push it down so as to be able to think about what to do for myself to survive. so, after the notice i wouldn't have therapy, i decided to do some emdr flash on myself.  of course, that brought up feelings of having to do for myself one more time.

what came up while i was doing it was very reassuring, and resolved the fear.  it centered around being w/ my D now, that she's got my back, and she would do everything to keep me safe.  finally i have someone in my life who consistently will have my back.  it's a good feeling.

my wounds are healing and that feels good.  all band-aids are off.  now it's up to nature to do her thing.

i survived my ex's visit.  it wasn't till the day after he left that i felt that sense of relief.  i also think my D spent less time w/ him than i thought, which felt good.  i can't imagine what it must have been like for her to be around his energy.  ugh!  enough of that.

we also got a notice yesterday that our paperwork for the apt. has been approved, so we're going to the office today to sign the papers for another year's lease.  i haven't gotten a true sense of relief yet - feels like i've been living on the edge of this for too long, dreading the idea that we mite get kicked out.  won't really feel it till the papers are signed, possibly.  at any rate, it looks like that part's off our plate.  thank you to all my angels looking out for us!

my little balcony garden is coming along.  so very happy about that.  we've had flowers this spring, and are now going for a few veggies, maybe a melon.  hot diggety!!!  i can write hot diggety!!!, but i don't feel it. 

so, lots of positive news for me.  am finding it hard to take it in, feel the goodness.  it feels like part of the old me who didn't rejoice about good things coming my way.  instead, taking it for granted in their acceptance.  another lump of stuff inside me. it's a strange feeling in one sense, but one i've felt so many times over so many years.  maybe i don't know how to rejoice inside me, maybe it's all about taking the good things in stride like i take the bad things in stride.  i just acknowledge it and move on.  sad way to live a life, i suppose.  maybe that's why my eyes have held noticeable sadness forever.

[sanmagic7]

did some financial stuff the yesterday, signed the lease, and tears started.  don't know why, don't know how many emotions or even what they were wanted to make themselves heard, but it caused me to be wrecked the rest of the day.  did a lot of sleeping and feeling crummy.  i'd just gotten over the stress flu, which lasted at least a week, had a good day or 2, then it happened again yesterday.  happily, i feel better today.  i'll explore this w/ my T in a few minutes, if she's around.

wow - i hated putting that caveat about my T, but it came out, so i guess my trust in her being here is pretty low.  i don't like feeling like that.

[rainydiary]

San, this week I was speaking strongly about someone and a friend said "That is your experience, so don't worry about complaining."  For some reason that helped me. 

[Armee]

I like that too, Rainy.

San,

I hope T was able to be there for you today. 

A lot of times when there's some relief for me and things let up that's a time when it all catches up with me and knocks me flat. I imagine something like that could be happening with exH gone and the lease signed. (Congrats on that stability for a bit). Stay cool, love.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs if you want them, san. It's definitely awful to be sick on top of all this.

[Not Alone]

did some financial stuff the yesterday, signed the lease, and tears started.  don't know why, don't know how many emotions or even what they were wanted to make themselves heard, but it caused me to be wrecked the rest of the day. 



  i'll explore this w/ my T in a few minutes, if she's around.

wow - i hated putting that caveat about my T, but it came out, so i guess my trust in her being here is pretty low.  i don't like feeling like that.

The tears make sense to me. The stress that you carried of not knowing if you had a place to live was huge.

If my T cancelled often, I would have a lot of feelings about that. Your feelings and level of trust are valid. It's okay to feel what you feel.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i've read your response several times, and only this morning did i understand it and how it pertained to me.  unfortunately, my brain can't always make the connections for written or spoken sentiments.  thank you for this - it does make sense to me now.  and also helpful.

hey armee, yeah, T was there, and i was able to tell her how upset i was that she wasn't there before.  at the end of the session, she told me she's also angry at my sick-y T.  it was nice to hear.  unfortunately, she seems to have long covid, so she's susceptible to bouts of feeling unwell.  it sucks.  and you described it exactly - i've often had a crash after the storm has passed and things are calmer again.  thanks for your support.

CF, hugs are always appreciated.  thanks for yours.  and, yeah, the stress flu is directly caused by the prolonged or intense stress of a situation or more than one.  this has been happening to me for about 40 yrs., so i'm familiar w/ it and know that i need to rest, do as little as possible, and be patient.  it usually goes away in a week or two, but it's just awful feeling when it's hit me.  much like being on the verge of getting the flu.   

notalone, you are correct.  the tears told me i didn't realize how huge that load of stress was.  well, i never do, actually, until some sort of reaction like this.  and thanks for the encouragement of my feelings, no matter what they were.  i was able to tell her, she accepted it graciously.  that felt good.

my D and i talked about finances yesterday, and once again, it doesn't look good. she's too stressed/anxious to do what she was doing before, is doing a delivery service now but is unable to work enough hours to make the money she needs for her part of the bills.  she's working on some stuff, (also has a disability account going, but that won't be settled until maybe next winter sometime) to bring in more money, but honestly, it totally freaked me out yesterday.

i ended up doing some eye movements and what i came up w/ is to rely on faith that this will work out.  we've had angels taking care of us this far, and i need to draw on that to somewhat calm myself down.  i swear, one thing gets settled, another threat presents itself.  i don't like living like this.  i'm more and more sensitive to the slings and arrows of life as this keeps happening, which too often sends me to dark places and it's getting harder and harder to continually pull myself back up.  this one is weighing heavily on me right now.

[Armee]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee.  i needed that. 

[Armee]

It breaks my heart to read this and makes me angry that the wait for disability payment is so long.

I do have faith in your faith though, that things will work out. You do seem to have lots of angels at your side. Which reminds me of one of my fave songs...angel flying too close to the ground.



You have been one of my angels.

[CactusFlower]

big hugs, san. As someone in the disability process, I totally get how aggravating and unfair it can be. I also get how sometimes you just have to let your Higher Power take the lead. Wishing you health and peace.

[Bach]

Sending love and good wishes, san 

[rainydiary]

San, I am thinking of you as you and your D sort through this the best you can.

[Moondance]

Hi San,

I hope for you and have faith that it will in fact work out.