no returns

[sanmagic7]

the support from all of you is so wonderful and heartwarming.  thank you

thank you armee, for your kind words.  here's hoping on the disability - it's going to go before a judge this time - she's been turned down twice already - so there's still no guarantee.  it's been a nightmare of waiting, scrambling for money, hoping against hope twice already that she'd get accepted, which she wasn't.  they don't favor mental/emotional illness, and it sucks.

thanks, CF.  yeh, that's what having 'faith' is all about for me.  something else has to take care of it cuz it's out of my hands.  i've been in a lot of funky positions before, but now i'm too old to just let it go w/ no worries.  faith has been tried, tested, and thrown into the fire so many times, it's more easily overcome now.  it's tired.

bach, thank you.  loved those hugs. 

thanks, rainy, for keeping us in your thoughts. 

moondance, thank you for having hope on my behalf and the extra amount of faith.   

talked to my T about all this yesterday.  it's so frustrating for both of us that all my trauma work has been put to the side for so long cuz all this crapola keeps coming up and getting in the way.  my sensitivity to everything is so out of hand, i can go into a tailspin at the drop of a hat.  it's like my reserves have finally been used up and i need support and reassurance that what i'm feeling/thinking is true.  mentally, i'm barely remembering things from one hour to the next.  it's a crappy way to live, and i'm not enjoying it.

some good news is that an author friend of my D's is going to make monthly payments toward having her next book edited, etc., so it looks like we'll be able to pull thru to the end of the year.  i just want to cry.  all the brainwork of trying to figure out who we might be able to hit up for financial help - which only included a few members of extended family, and most of them are now retired so there really wasn't much hope there - and the end of the stress this has put us under knocked us on our proverbial buttocks yesterday.  i'm still not totally ok today, need to take this day off as well.

last nite, watching big bang theory, of all things, i got triggered so badly, i had to leave until the episode was over.  it was about howard being more interested in his fantasy women than in his girlfriend and i was so taken aback when the fantasy woman said to him - so why are you here, doing this, when you have a real woman who wants to be with you?  that tossed me over the edge - it was a big part of my life w/ my ex, and i'm feeling sick just writing this.

so, i'll stop.  just horrible.  i can't get away from him even thru innocuous comedies! 

[rainydiary]

I resonate with watching shows and being reminded of the past.  I hope that tension that brought on leaves soon.

[Not Alone]

 

[sanmagic7]

i hope so, too, rainy.  thanks.   

thank you, notalone, for that hug.   

i just heard, and want to say r.i.p, tina.  what a performer, role model, and courageous woman you were. 

[Moondance]

Hi Sanmagic7

I am so relieved for you both on your financial front.  I so understand though about  the time it will take to recuperate from the stress, reactions, feelings before receiving news of some support.

I so relate to the sensitivity to everything and going into a tailspin at the drop of a hat.  And no reserves to deal with anything and feeling like I need reassurance as well to validate my feelings.  I continue to be amazed and encouraged that many of us have the shared struggles. 

I hope you can rest your body, mind and soul knowing you both will be okay til the end of year.  And if you can't thats okay  but know that my thoughts are with you in support of you doing whatever it is your body, mind and soul need.

if okay, if helpful at all Sanmagic7

[sanmagic7]

moondance, you hit so many nails on the head.  thank you so.  only today am i feeling a bit better.  and, for the record, hugs are always welcomed and appreciated.

hopefully i'll find some energy today.  sometimes it's amazing to me how much stress a certain situation holds, how much i then hold because of the situation, and how awful and long the crash afterward can be.  and it's actually gotten better over the years.  there was a time when i was in mexico that i was bedridden for 6 mos. becuz of what had come before it (part of which was my wedding).  even the joyous times can be that stressful.

like moondance mentioned, no reserves anymore.  i can't imagine doing even a sliver of my life 30 yrs. ago now.  don't know how i did it then.  but i've had to learn how to balance myself, how to tell when i'm too close to the line of a major breakdown, how to take the time i need to do nothing more than rest.  expend so much thought and energy for me.  that was tough, still is at times, cuz i didn't really exist for too long.  learning learning learning.

i missed tina turner yesterday, cried a bit.  i was fortunate enough to see her live after she was in her 50's, and she had to do part of her show sitting on a stool.  but her voice and her vibrance were still there.  it was great and an experience i'll never forget but will forever hold in my heart w/ gratitude.  so many of my rock favorites are going or gone, but i've appreciated and danced to every one of them.  and dancing is always good, to my mind.  it's a sort of freedom, which i treasure.

so much of my life has been about freedom.  moving across the country and out of my parents' house at 21 was my declaration of freedom.  even a few years before that, when i went away to college, i had my first taste of it.  it's then i began realizing how very anxious i had been living under my parents' roof.  fingernails i'd always bitten down to the quick suddenly were allowed to grow and become beautiful.  freedom to be or become who i was and was meant to be.  i'm still finding out w/ therapy, but it's a different kind of learning.  one that at times i hate but otherwise appreciate so very much.

ok, nostalgic rambling.  tina's passing brought all that out.  i really do live in the 60's - it's when i began blooming.

[Moondance]

 

[natureluvr]

I'm sorry you've had to deal with your therapist cancelling on you repeatedly, and also having a hard time with the disability process and finances.  It certainly sounds like you are going through quite a lot of stress and difficulties.  I'm sending you thoughts of warmth and support.   

[Armee]

 

You have a new kind of freedom now, mental freedom and a fabulous mind to explore and discover who you are and to rewrite the things that were not as they should have been for fabulous you.

[sanmagic7]

moondance, i loved that big hug.  thank you! 

natureluvr, thank you so much for your kindness and support.  and, yep, it's turned out to be a lot more stressful than i realized.  getting thru it w/ a lot of help from my T and the people here.

lovelovelove that big hug, armee.  i have to admit, i still don't quite feel mentally free.  still too many triggers, flashbacks, bad memories.  hopefully that will continue to ease as i keep going, but i understand what you meant.  thanks for your support, as always, and for your kind and caring words.

therapy in a few.  getting thru these days w/ finances still hanging over our heads has been difficult.  i think i'm doing ok, then a thought pops into my head or my D mentions something and off i go again.  someone mentioned not having reserves, and i feel that precisely.  my D's source of help hasn't been quite nailed down yet, so i'm still on tenterhooks inside.  hopefully she'll get a definite 'yes' today and the payment schedule can be set up. 

i can't believe this is happening.

[sanmagic7]

i became so sick-feeling 2 days ago from holding all the stress of this financial business that i could barely move myself around the house.  felt awful, miserable.  finally, the other night my D told me that her client/friend was going to come thru and we'd be ok and i burst into sobs, sobbed for about 10 min.  afterwards, i could physically feel the release of all that stress and i began feeling better.  yesterday i returned to regular, was able to go delivering w/ my D as if nothing had happened.  amazing.

someone mentioned about the body keeping the score.  this was clear proof to me it does indeed.  day and night in a matter of a few minutes.  so, now, onward.

[Bach]

Sending love and good thoughts, san

[natureluvr]

finally, the other night my D told me that her client/friend was going to come thru and we'd be ok and i burst into sobs, sobbed for about 10 min.  afterwards, i could physically feel the release of all that stress and i began feeling better.  yesterday i returned to regular, was able to go delivering w/ my D as if nothing had happened.  amazing.

I'm so glad to hear that you had such relief from the stress!  BTW, crying for me almost always gives me a deep sense of relief and unburdening myself. 

I'm assuming your D is your daughter? 

[Armee]

 

[sanmagic7]

bach, i'll take both gladly!  thank you so. 

hey, natureluvr, yes, D is for daughter.  i live w/ her.  she is one of the reasons i'm able to make any progress at all w/ healing. crying often brings relief to me, too, or at least releases toxins that have built up over a long-ago trauma.  i have a hard time reaching that point, however, so i was glad to be able to do it that evening.  thank you for the support.

armee, thanks so much for that big hug.  i can feel its warmth and caring. 

i'm stuck.  something new is going on in my life, but i don't know how to explain it.  it's about an old flame.  i'm afraid it will be messy, but i needed to get him access to me so he'd leave my D alone.  i'll deal w/ it, whatever happens.  it just felt like the right thing to do, but my D and i got into a fight about it.  i can hear me and the red flags that have already gone up.  the past 3 days, however, this has been a great distraction from all the trauma stuff that usually invades my privacy.  we'll see.