Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

I feel misunderstood and judged and it makes me defensive to the point I'm defensive in my own thoughts because I'm unable to validate them.

I get stuck on words, or concepts and overly attached to other people's interpretation of what I'm saying, because I recognize that other people assign different value to words than I do, based on their own lived experiences.  I consistently find myself in situations where I don't have the vocabulary to speak my truth from a place of authenticity, rather than defensiveness triggered by not being able to feel psychologically safe.  I need help dialing it back, to meeting people where they are instead of hoping they are going to meet me where I am.  I have not experienced the support of someone willing to help me stand in my truth, and my unmet needs keep getting in the way of being able to communicate effectively. 

It's like I need to tell a story and freeze it, and explore what's happening.  Only I'm too busy reliving it to even express that coherently, my inner child keeps getting in the way.  I'm spending too much time attempting to frame it so someone with a different frame of reference can understand it, or trying to explain my frame of reference to someone so they can interpret it the same way I intend it. 

I need somewhere I can throw ideas at until something sticks.  And continue to work it out until I have something that is close to what my truth is.

When I attempt to tell people I need to talk, they offer suggestions that trigger my core wound of not being heard.  The messages I receive are all great suggestions, but they hurt even more, because the message underlying the suggestion is, "you should be able to do this on your own, handle your own *, I do - or talk to a therapist if you can't, just don't bother me, you're too needy".

When I try to explain, it doesn't make sense to other people, because *I* know what I'm saying but I don't know how to express it and no one stops and says, "ok, here is what I hear you are saying, is that correct?" they are all just listening with compassionate empathy and then thinking of something that would help them - something that works for them when they empathize with how I'm feeling.  So it loops back to my core wound of not being heard.

I keep getting trapped in these circular thoughts of not being heard, and also being misunderstood - because I say what I need and they suggest something that isn't what I'm asking for. so I blame myself that I'm just not effectively communicating...and then I'm angry because I think I could PRACTICE effective communication if only I had someone to talk to!!  But that's not fair and not the other person's fault.  I should be able to figure this out on my own, all the answers are within me, I should be able to be smart enough to figure this out....then comes the shame, and the valid feelings that I have every right to feel but (society) tells me I don't, because (society) isn't dealing with chronic isolation and ongoing traumatic events. 

I get to the point where the things people suggest seem like just going through the motions of life, and I'm somehow outside it because I have no connections myself.  Then I think how horrible of a person I must be that none of my "friends" want to spend any time with me, or even call me...which I know isn't true, everyone is just so busy dealing with their own @#%. 

So then I get sad I'm so needy and curl up in a ball and once again try to figure out how to be a friend to myself. 

I keep getting these moments of clarity that are immediately coupled with feelings that trigger my defenses. 

It's like a concept I can't put into words, but when I recognize it, I get dysregulated to the point my mind can't make meaning of words, and it spends all its energy trying to process the world around me.

[rainydiary]

Eerie Anne, I appreciate you sharing here.  I resonate with your experience.

[Armee]

Hi EireAnne,

I can relate to a lot of this, and it sounds painful, and also not fair, because you like all people need communication with friends and true compassion, listening, and caring. That's really one key path to healing, so it's not fair to expect you to figure it all out of your own. It's not your fault. You aren't doing anything wrong, I don't think. 

I think you're right, though, that everyone is struggling so deeply we all have so little left to give others at this moment in history. It's sad and lonely, isn't it?

[Eireanne]

PROBABLY SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNING - workplace abuse trauma, core wound of not being heard, emotional flashbacks

This post started out as Things I need help naming, but then my inner child took over and it became let me tell you my fun trauma story!  Only during this brief part of trying to explain, my inner child took over repeatedly and I let her have her say.  What you are about to read is the ramblings of My Crazy, while I try to relate a story that triggers my PTSD.  What I need help with is pulling out the symptoms and naming others that I try to describe but fail because I don't have the words...yet.  To try to be helpful, I'm going to stop writing (even though it means it may be disjointed, sorry in advance - stream of consciousness writing!) and put in italics the words that my inner child is saying. 

Since my journals have only been for me, I've been using them to try to understand what my inner child is upset about, so I give her free reign to rant in my journals...then I read what she's written so I can have better conscious awareness of what the core issues really are...I know they aren't ever the things my body says I'm upset about - I do NOT have panic attacks, I am not depressed, I am not autistic, I am not...ugh any of the notveryhelpful suggestions I've been given of "what is wrong with me" from well meaning people/professionals.  Sigh...sorry, that slightly disregulated me and brought up feelings of anger.  *deep breathe* so anyway, you're talking to ME now, "conscious me", but other times...it's like I have a split personality? But I know I can't EVER mention that to my therapist, because they'd jump on that and try to medicate me.  I get so frustrated, I keep asking, can you just listen to what I'm TRYING to say?? I don't have the words!!  Ok, I'm starting to rant, sorry about that....anyway, the point I'm trying to make (I ramble A LOT, which my manager hates....she doesn't actually like anything about me, and she's the source of my current ongoing trauma....she's literally triggered me so bad I have to be on medical leave and will probably be fired.  But they won't ever say that's what they are doing, no they are being smart about it...Oh My G....she took over again, sorry...this is gong to be hard for anyone to read, just imagine it's stream of consciousness....The point I was trying to make before she takes over again....you're talking to me, and then suddenly, she takes over and you're talking to HER.  My inner child.  My pet name for her is My Crazy.  When I realize I've done it (because I don't only do it in journal writing, OH NO, for an ADDED embarrassment, I do this when I talk to people.  Not all the time, but when I'm triggered, I ramble, I say whatever is in my head, whatever I'm panicking about, because I need to get it out, it's in me, I can't breathe I need to tell someone, and I don't think about who is around or what it looks like, I need help, please.  So you see why it's been so hard for me to get the help I need.  No one is listening, they are too busy watching me have a meltdown.  Sigh. 
So, as I was saying, when I try to TELL anyone about the things that are causing me trauma...my trauma actually takes over and I have no conscious awareness of what is going on until it passes.  If I'm at work, I literally have to divert ALL my resources to just being able to process the tasks I'm being asked to do....and I do the job of too many people with no support and a narcissistic abusive manager.  I'll get into all that in another journal entry.  I keep getting distracted and telling two stories at the same time, I don't know why I do that...when you start reading what I tried writing earlier, I got distracted by My Crazy who needed to be heard.  It makes it really hard to ask for help, because I'm trying to ask one thing and I start saying another thing.  It's not other people's fault they can't hear me...I'm not saying the right words. 

So....all of that to say, the journal entry you are about to read may not make sense.  I left it as is, because it's basically me just talking to myself, due to chronic isolation (more fun symptoms, yay!) I don't really have many other people in my life.  I cut ties with my family of origin and my family of choice is not trauma informed (well one of them is, but they are struggling with coping now themselves) and I keep losing friends, I can't even figure out why...ugh that can be ANOTHER journal entry, I'm just racking them up....all this to get everything out so I can try to get some sleep, that's another fun symptom, insomnia, I haven't been able to get more than 4 hours of sleep in years...hypervigilance again....and then I have nightmares, so I wake up and am too alert to fall back to sleep, or my brain decided to wake up before my body and I realize I'm thinking....but like thinking in the fashion of this journal article, where my owners manual of "how to adult" is swiss cheese and it feels like my thoughts are like a jigsaw puzzle that's someone's spilled on the ground, and I'm down on the floor, panicking because I can't make sense of the shapes, or the colors or the words and I'm desperately trying to see if two pieces fit together then suddenly someone's asking me, "what are your goals? what are your skills?  what strengths do you have? what duties and responsibilities do you enjoy doing most?" and I'm thinking, what, omgs I have no idea what you're asking? My goal? That I can take a sick day.  My skills? That I'm still @#$ alive.  I have no idea what you're asking, I am so afraid I'm going to get fired. Wow, that was hard.  Hahah....see, it keeps happening* but now it's completely out of linear order - and that's another symptom - I have non-linear thinking....I literally cannot tell a story, or process information, or remember anything that I just said, or someone said to me, so if you are a manager that waits until the last minute to ask for something or rattles off for you 5 things she needs you to do but she won't put it in writing or repeat herself because you were supposed to be paying better attention!! you know you really need to focus!!!! And see, these aren't things my inner child is telling me my mom and all my teachers have said, no, these are the things that come out of my managers mouth when I ask for reasonable accommodations for my disability.  Because I can't TELL her I have a disability, she doesn't even understand what I'm talking about and she keeps telling me I'm too sensitive and insecure, I just need to toughen up. Ok...I'm going to need to stop introing, or I'll never get to the end of this....

(this was the original start of the journal entry) I guess you would call them symptoms, and I've been doing as much research on it as I can....see, I've been the one that's been having to do all the work...Literally, TELLING my doctor what my condition was, I have been misdiagnosed so many times I want to cry and scream with rage...I'll have to make a separate journal entry about it...here's where my inner child takes over...It's like two people trying to talk at once.  If I journal, it's like my inner child starts typing, and there's this inner struggle, I can see it when I read over what I've written, I can literally see it happen as I type, and I realize my "trauma brain" has taken over. I keep thinking I can use this to my advantage somehow separate myself out and have a conversation with my inner child, but it triggers adrenaline surging through my body and I have to consciously remember to take a deep breath and I can't remember anything.  Like my short term memory is completely shot, I can't remember what I just said, I say "have no conscious memory of" but that just sounds like I blacked out. 

I can't figure out how to explain it to them, my doctor says, oh, that's anxiety...and I'm like no, it's different than that, it's like I can't remember how to finish a sentence, and words fall out of my head all the time, or they are on the tip of my tongue and I think is this loss of cognitive function? Because that sounds closer to what I'm trying to describe, but it's more like, it's hard for me to think because the adrenaline is distracting me....then I start to realize all my other symptoms are because of this constant surge of adrenaline, my body is @#% exhausted! OMGS, that's why my hair is falling out, and I can't ever sleep and I'm hypervigilant all the damn time because I'm terrified I'm going to get fired at work.  (this is the moment of awareness - which immediately triggers My Crazy to take over and I disassociate, it doesn't happen here, because I ignored the adrenaline feeling and tightness in my chest and kept going, but it feels like I'm underwater, so I type as fast as I can before I just need to breathe again) Because I can't "pay better attention" which is what I'm being told by my (abuser) manager.  I asked for reasonable accommodations so many times, but they don't get why I'm asking....so I started doing the research, and the more something clicks for me, like I suddenly have conscious awareness, it's that feeling again, like it's on the tip of my tongue, and I can't quite put it into words, and then THAT thought, that split second of awareness triggers my PTSD symptoms.  And I can't think.  Then my inner child takes over and starts babbling things that ARE the right words for OUR truth as abused/neglected children....but HR doesn't care that my manager hurts my feelings and I think she's a bully.  I need to work on HOW to say the things that hurt me the most, because even telling them brings up the trauma and then everyone is only paying attention to the way I say things and not what I'm really saying.  They just hear me through their neurotypical brains that can't relate to any of the things I'm saying, and they mean well but they aren't HEARING me.  And it's causing SUCH distress, plus I have no support system and I can't get any of these therapists to listen to me either, I'm trying a new one, and our first session was TERRIBLE...not because I'm not giving her a chance, but because I've already been in therapy on and off for years, and each time it's just more cognitive behavior BS, I keep TELLING them, that's not going to work on me, I can even explain to you WHY, I'm hyper self aware I seriously understand everything that's going on inside me, I can even tell you which core wounds my manager is triggering and WHY she's triggering me, but because it happens daily, I can't even PROCESS the trauma I've experienced since the start of the pandemic, including getting myself out of an abusive situation and losing all of my stuff in the process, then living a year in an unsafe apartment with no heat or AC, and I'm FINALLY in a nice apartment

Here is where I stopped writing.  Because I realize I needed to scroll back to the top and add a disclaimer, but because My Crazy had taken over, I wanted to explain who she was, but she just kept taking over, so I let her...it wasn't as bad as I imagined she would be, which helps, usually when I realize she has done it (when I'm talking to someone) I get really embarrassed and apologize for rambling.  It's just that I'm starved for someone to talk to, because I'm also dealing with chronic isolation.  But this post is really long and I was able to get a lot out.  I am going to try to relax enough to get some sleep...people always suggest journaling for a way for me to process...but it causes such dysregulation that I feel like i'm caught in a trauma loop.  I'm very concerned and I don't have the support I need. 

This really helped...>This is the first time I've been able to talk to myself....and allow myself to tell my story to someone that won't jump to medicate me right away.  Thank you friends.  Tomorrow, I'll go back and separate out the different things and try to make sense of everything she said.  There was lots of helpful information she shared, she's just really mad because no one listens to her.  Then I'm immediately back in my childhood and the actually c-ptsd kicks in.   It's like a layer cake of trauma. 

I tried explaining all of this to my new therapist and asked her for advice on how to get out of this trauma loop (because I've been trapped in it for weeks) and her suggestion? Breathe.

[littlebluejay]

Thank you for sharing, Eerie Anne. I'm glad it was helpful for you and I agree, it's nice to be able to share our stories to people who won't diagnose or medicate us 
I commend you for letting your inner child speak. I've been working a lot on recognizing and caring for my inner child, and I know just how confusing it can be. You have inspired me to let my inner child speak, and to maybe even record some of the things she is saying.
I also relate with having to go to doctors and basically spoon-feed them the diagnoses we need  I also have complicated things going on in my body, and wonder just how much of it was caused by the trauma hidden inside of me. I will forever be physically sick and it makes me sad/angry to think some of this could have been avoided if I wasn't traumatized. Our bodies are complicated and always looking out for us--but that can show up in troubling and dangerous symptoms. Sending you a hug and I hope you can get some good rest tonight. Thank you for sharing with us

[sanmagic7]

hi, EireAnne (or is it Eerie Anne?  may i just write EA and cover both possibilities?), welcome to this forum.  thank you for sharing your story, thoughts, and words.  you are being heard here.  all parts welcome. 

many of us have discovered that CB therapy doesn't work well for trauma.  is there a chance you could see a trauma-informed therapist?  you may get better suggestions than 'breathe', better understanding of you and your parts, how they've been protecting you while you've wandered thru an unsafe world.  we've got you, and we're listening.  sending a gentle hug, if that's ok.

[Eireanne]

I'm new here, so I'm not sure if I just keep replying to my journal with new entries, or what, so I'm just hitting reply....

Today was a good day.  Well, I good "for me" day.  I have so many layered reasons why the words were so important to me...having them makes me feel empowered, and I definitely feel that right now. 

I woke up with the feeling of adrenaline racing through my system. I now know this is called amygdala hijacking.  Thank you!!  I kept telling doctors it wasn't anxiety.  I made some tea, I tried meditation, I tried dancing. None of those things helped (they never do, but ppl keep telling me to do them anyway *rolls eyes*  it at least cleared my head enough to remember I needed to call the pharmacy. Basically it's something simple like the prescription says 9 pills but it's an 8-pill blister pack (I'm making up those numbers) and so the pharmacy says they've repeatedly contacted my doctor's office for clarification. I understand what is going on, I dealt with this last time and even TOLD the doctor this happened so make sure the quantity is correct and I've been waiting a month.

Her response of "you need to call the doctor's office and let them know we are waiting on a response" triggered my feelings of not being heard and I immediately went into panic mode. In trying to explain I recognized "trauma brain" had taken over. I literally said to her, "I'm so sorry, I'm dealing with trauma right now....you know, I can't remember what I said (seriously, why can't I remember things I've JUST SAID?) but I was able to articulate what was happening clearly and she understood. She told me to take a deep breath (but not in a dismissive way) and I was able to further articulate the embarrassment I felt because it's not ME, it's my symptoms and I can't control them and I burst into tears, she just calmly talked to me and validated my experience and frustration. It immediately stopped the trauma response and I was able to further articulate how exhausted and frustrated I had been feeling, and I even expressed the cause for the current trauma I'm experiencing, and again she validated my experience...I was so grateful, AND she was able to call the pharmacy for me, who called the doctor's office and she told me who at the doctor's office she spoke with, so I could follow up. She then reminded me to ask specific questions, like when are you going to call the pharmacy, and in what format, so that I could follow up and say, "my doctor's office contacted you via fax on this date" sort of thing.  I just have to remember to call them tomorrow.  I feel relieved and empowered....I am so grateful for people that listen and interpret what I'm saying correctly.

What is it called that when I am in the...state of having my amygdala hijacked?..activated trauma state? and I have no conscious memory of the things I've said while dealing with the symptoms of my trauma response?  One of the symptoms of my disability is Issues with both explicit and implicit memory?

See, it's like I have the words but I'm still not sure how to use them...and I still dont' have ALL the words...Any help is appreciated. 

[sanmagic7]

hi, EA, as far as writing in your journal, it's yours to write in as best helps you.  if you check out some journals, you can see a variety of ways people use them.  it's your journal.

i can relate to forgetting something i've just said, especially when speaking w/ professionals or 'authority' figures.  i've gotten flustered, tuned out, am unable to understand what they're telling me at times, and have also cried.  trauma brain does its own thing.  i'm glad you spoke w/ someone who was kind and patient w/ you.

i believe as you continue in recovery of your true self, some of this will become easier, symptoms will lessen, and you'll feel more in control.  too many times we've run into professionals who don't listen to us, and it is extremely frustrating.  know that you're not alone with this.  keep going, ok?  we're here for you.   

[NarcKiddo]

Hello EA. I have read your intro post and also this thread.

I just wanted to say that I found your main journal entry very compelling. Yes, it's stream of consciousness but it is clear and you convey your experience and feelings very well.

My understanding of what you have written that one of your worries is having to convey the problem to other people such as your employer. Doing so in the moment is triggering your trauma response which you feel is making you unable to articulate the situation in a way that the other person is able to understand properly. Then the other person's lack of understanding is making you feel that you are not heard. Then their attempts to offer helpful suggestions are triggering you even more because you don't feel the suggestions are helpful and could not possibly be helpful because how can they address the problem if they don't even understand it. Is that sort of on the right track?

Two main things strike me.

The first is that since you (with the help of My Crazy) are able to convey the problem in writing (assuming I have understood it to an adequate degree) then might you be able to keep journalling the problems and what your employer could do to help you, and then edit until you end up with a document that you feel you could present to an employer?

The second is that when your therapist told you to breathe you felt unheard and thought the advice dismissive but when the pharmacy lady was kind to you and also told you to breathe you found this helpful. Could you think more on the interaction with the pharmacy lady and why it was you found her to be helpful? Are you able to remember more about exactly what you said/did/felt and what she said in reply? And how that made you feel. I know your trauma response messes with your memory, especially in the moment, but it sounds like you remember quite a bit of this particular interaction and might possibly be able to remember more. Then perhaps you could tell (or write and then read out to) your therapist what it was about the pharmacy lady that made you respond to her, so your therapist can learn from this. I think the advice to breathe is good, even if it sounds basic and possibly dismissive. I think you would do well to encourage yourself and My Crazy to take a moment and breathe when the trauma starts bubbling up. I wonder whether you might be able to lead My Crazy in some deep breathing, perhaps when you are both feeling calm, so as to get in practice for when things might start feeling a bit more tough.

Also, and forgive me if I am overstepping the mark here, but I notice you call your inner child My Crazy. Why do you call her that? How does she feel about it?

[Eireanne]

I still am not clear on how to work the journal.  If I focus on what it is I'm trying to journal about, I feel like I'm ignoring all the helpful responses I've received and if I focus on responding, then I'm not getting my thoughts out, but I'm too busy feeling bad I may unintentionally hurt someone's feelings and then I feel selfish that I am so needy right now that I shut down. 

I'm sorry to everyone, but now I am to the point where my own thoughts are triggers and I can't escape my thoughts because I know they are valid, but I can't find anyone else to validate them, then I am not even sure I'm communicating effectively because everyone keeps misinterpreting my intentions, and I feel like I am losing my mind.  I keep overthinking everything, like the journal should be in linear order, I should separate out my thoughts into different posts, I should get it all out, but what if I get it all out and it makes things worse? So I should distract myself until I can think more rationally, only I can't think rationally or linear because I'm trapped in a trauma response which is compounded by being chronically isolated and then I'm resentful...it's like a ball of yarn that's so tangled...and I KNOW I can make people understand me, so why does it seem so hard all the time?  Then I start worrying if I may be autistic or have adhd, and it's like, NO I'm not WORRIED, and no, I won't breathe a sigh of relief if I get tested and finally have a name for it, what I'm saying is, can we ALL focus on the TRAUMA before we go misdiagnosing me AGAIN?  Why can't I be heard!? and then I'm angry, and I've been saying ALL ALONG my main trigger is not being heard, and I have no one to talk to.  It's literally as simple as that.  Then I want to cry, because I'm exhausted and I've been saying the same thing for so long my entire life but no one gets it.  And then even my little introductory disclaimer turns into a venting session because I have SOOO much to get out no wonder no one wants to listen to me!? 

I can't even answer the question, "How are you?" How am I? I'm lonely. I've been lonely so long I identify with feelings of chronic isolation and not one person will say, wow, that sounds bad, what can I do to help? Oh wait, one person did and I was like, wow, Best question ever, I need to talk to you, he said give me 4 weeks. Ok, reasonable...except now 4 has turned into 7.  and I mentioned that I was impatient to talk to him, he said, I can see you sooner! I said, it's not sooner, it's MORE OFTEN, and you know his response?  NOTHING.  He hasn't responded.  And he can't understand why that's a trigger for me.  Then I start overthinking, did I say it the wrong way? Is he interpreting it the wrong way? Am I putting too much pressure on him because he's literally the ONLY person that said yes? OMGS WHY AM I SO NEEDY?

I've literally said over and over to everyone I know in various ways, "I miss when we used to talk every day, I miss when we used to have a group chat, I really am feeling very lonely" and no one listens, but everyone assures me I will be fine.  They tell me I'm just depressed and maybe I should be medicated.  Or I should join a support group, or get a pet, or or or and I just want to scream! 

I explained to one friend I have decision fatigue and it makes it really hard for me to do things like pick out a new pots and pans set, can she help, she says sure! I love shopping! But then I never hear from her again, and I remind her to the point that it becomes awkward.  Or this other lady that has a beautiful mural on her wall of a tree and I said, I've got paint can you come over and help me paint a tree on my wall too? It is very important to me, and she says OF COURSE, but that was a year ago and I've asked her about 8 times...so it's like, I get the feeling it's better never to ask anyone for anything, especially just to have a conversation with me so I remember what talking is like.

Do you know how often my phone rings? And every time it does I have that feeling, oh, is someone ACTUALLY hearing my need?? Are they calling to talk? No, it's another spambot.  I can't regulate my need because it feels like I'm drowning and I'm begging for a life preserver and everyone is on the shore watching me struggle, saying, "Oh, my heart goes out to her, I wish there was something we can do, but I'm not a medical professional, so I'm just going to insert (useless suggestion) and feel better about myself as I watch her drown.  I want to send every single person I have asked for help this link https://youtu.be/NCxI3Z94gEk but now we are venturing into passive aggressive territory.

I feel like the first issue is no one has a frame of reference to the way I feel.  Very few people are rarely alone.  I want to illustrate it for them. 
Think of the pandemic, everyone had a "bubble".  My bubble was buzzfeed YouTube videos.  I basically imprint on these people and relate to them as if they are friends.  They are a source of comfort and distraction for me as they shared issues I can relate with.  The people I consider friends are my inner circle.  However, I am not their inner circle, I am maybe in the 35th ring of their circle, so here I am begging for a call and they've got their own things they need to deal with, they don't get why it's so vitally important to me that they say a thing and they don't follow through...that in itself is another trigger for me, the fact that I ask for something SO RARELY so why can't you just give me the thing?? 

Sigh, I am afraid I'm not making much sense, so I'm just going to go start posting all my "word vomit" journal entries and see how I feel after I get some of this stuff out

[Eireanne]

TRIGGER WARNING (sorry, maybe, I just assume anything I say may unintentionally trigger someone)

I had originally typed this out last night to a really great online community I found called Feely Human, but as I started, it turned into a journal entry...and that keeps happening a lot, a text to a friend turns into a post turns into a journal...it's like there are too many things trying to get out that I'm just this raw exposed wound begging to be heard. 

So here are the pieces to my jigsaw puzzle, maybe you all can help me piece it together. This is very challenging for me, as my amygdala is currently being hijacked so I have to work through the symptoms fast to be able to type this (not sure it's accurate, but close enough) To my benefit (or is it?) one of my more fun symptoms is I can talk to my inner child. I can see exactly what each trigger is, the core wound involved and the validity of why it's a trigger. But to say it usually ends up (bad).

(Jigsaw piece one) I feel like I've told a facet of my situation to a select few number of people. (I feel like saying IRL, like you all aren't real...in my non-virtual life? haha) Unfortunately, because I also deal with chronic isolation, I don't have the luxury of having a safe space, my brain latches on to ANYONE that will give me attention, I even reached out to people I don't even LIKE very much (here is a triggering part that I need to vent about) So it's like, I'm aware, right now that my brain is desperately avoiding that, because it's laced with valid emotions I have every right to feel but can't validate. Even thinking about it triggers a trauma response.

(Jigsaw piece two) See, that's just it. I mean, it's happening right now, so I can explain it to you. I am VERY consciously aware of what is happening, and what triggers it. I can name it, but in doing so, I get EXTREMELY dysregulated. And all the literature out there is...WRONG, so everyone is trying to treat it by not listening to me? haha. It's like I'm trapped in a loop, it's SO annoying, and then it distracts me from what I'm trying to say....because my brain is trying to protect me soooo much is causing all these physical symptoms from the strain. And I literally cannot get anyone to understand, because it keeps coming out as people treating me for PTSD, which is NOT the same thing. So then, I say things like workplace abuse, because it fits. So then everyone starts focusing on the wrong thing. Not one person is catching on that I'm explaining to everyone perfectly what is going on, but somehow....it doesn't make sense to anyone else? And nothing anyone says to me makes sense either. And it's like...oh yeah, this is what it feels like to be hijacked. Sigh. So then, someone asks, "how are you?" and I like....I just laugh, because this whole thing is ridiculous and probably wouldn't take me so long if I just had other people to consistently talk to so SOMEONE else can keep track of what I'm TRYING to say, but my own brain is sabotaging me because it's too primitive to understand I'm not in actual danger.

(Jigsaw piece three) I have major valid concerns that I want to name. They are rational, reasonable concerns should you have the proper amount of context. They are causing anxiety, which I can recognize and am aware is a rational response...and what's the other word? Like...measurable? maybe. Measured? Here is where I forget words. Now, that's also one of my triggers. So I panic when I can't think of a word. But again, if you had CONTEXT you would know why. It is a valid concern. But everyone around me treats me like I'm having irrational responses to small things, because they...aren't in my head, aren't asking for context....Here's another trigger word....so I can't continue

(Jigsaw piece four) I have tools. I have healthy coping mechanisms. I am going for a trauma informed massage. I'm giving myself what I need right now, even though I have concerns it may just be what I want? I'm trying my best to listen to my intuition, it never steers me wrong.

I have a few trauma informed friends + one friend willing to listen. I have a really nice neighbor that also has c-ptsd (although she may have just given me covid) I have this community. I have each one of you that has taken the time to hold space for me (thank you) I have a really interesting meditation group...Palouse? I dunno, but I found a zoom weekly meditation as part of the course where the instructor focuses on compassion, they are really awesome.

(jigsaw piece five) I truly think one of the main problems is I rarely feel a sense of psychological safety due to valid concerns that I am having a measured response to if given the right amount of context to fully understand the situation, but what is ACTUALLY going on with me is completely confusing everyone, because instead of just asking me for context, It's literally the word context that triggers me, as in, please someone, ask me for the necessary context so you can fully understand my story, but I'm too busy being triggered to be able to even TELL it, because I do not actually have that kind of level of intimacy with anyone...and those that I thought I did...well, it turned out those people weren't really my friends *shrug* Sigh, which turns into ANOTHER trigger.

(Jigsaw piece six) I get confused about how to explain things to people sometimes, and I can never find an analogy or frame of reference to get them to understand me. Like someone you just can't see eye to eye with...I can give you all examples, but I don't know how to put it into words

(Jigsaw piece seven) I've been telling each bit of the story until I can talk about the things that trigger me, and I've been trying to find a therapist for over a month (another trigger) so please everyone cross your fingers because I had a consultation with what I really (insert feelings here) is a competent person that I have a similar communication style with so I don't have to work so hard to be heard, because literally, it's the one thing I've been begging for, but no one hears me.

Do you all see why this has been so exhausting/frustrating/infuriating <- see I can name ALL my emotions, I'm just having ALL of them at the same time, hahaha. I appreciate all of you.

Please do not ever worry about me, yes, we should all have righteous indignation that my organization allowed this to happen, because they don't seem to grasp that inclusion means for EVERYONE, even the neurodiverse! *gasp* and if I had been allowed the accommodations I have been ASKING for my psychological health probably wouldn't have deteriorated to this extent.

Unfortunately, my angry looks like scared and my scared looks like angry, so everyone misreads the situation and no one listens to what I'm actually saying. Only half the time I'm saying the wrong thing.

Any time I try to talk about the things that trigger me, either my inner child comes out and talks about what is *really* bothering me, or I have a (still don't know what to call it). But I'm slowly piecing everything together, only right now my brain is so loopy I can't even.

This breakdown was brought to you by the word CONTEXT lololol
The other night, my friend was so smart, she would ask me a question like, "what is it about the word context that's upsetting you) and I would try to tell her as much as my trauma brain allowed her to. I feel like I can take ALL these things to the new therapist and say, can you help me put these all together and understand why these things are so desperately important to me so I can move past this? KThxBai

I don't even understand what I'm asking for anymore.  I don't know how I got here or why I'm stuck here or how to get past this loop.  This is where I'm stuck, and I'm so frustrated and helpless and angry and I know I have every right to feel these things, but I don't know what to DO. Only, after I read "what to do" I realize, I'm already DOING all of those things to the best of my ability, just right now, all I want is to be taken care of, like a mom was supposed to have taken care of me, because I don't WANT to be the only one doing this work, I WANT AND NEED support and the closest thing I can get to support right now is talking to myself 

[Eireanne]

I don't feel I have permission to feel my feelings.  I can't be sad about a situation without being told I'm depressed.  I can't be scared about things that I feel helpless about, or resentful, or any of the emotions that come up because EVERY time I do, someone with good intentions thinking they are so helpful gives me feedback that is not in line with my experience.  Then I feel like a victim.  I need to have my feelings validated so I can feel empowered, but how can I do that when no one is "listening" and I don't mean in a way that means, "I hear you" I mean in a way that is "I understand you" Because even the people that are SAYING they understand with compassionate empathy aren't understanding what they are witnessing because they don't have the necessary context and don't bother asking for clarification. They tell me to use a feelings wheel to better identify my feelings, I KNOW what my feelings are, you all just aren't letting me express them until I feel HEARD. 

[Eireanne]

Meditation Everyone says meditation is great.  Meditation doesn't work for me because I have unprocessed trauma that my brain is desperately trying to make sense of, so it spends every waking minute (and possibly every moment I am asleep) attempting to process, so I can make sense of it, so I can put it into words! 

Meditation reminds you that thoughts are just things, and you should observe them and let them go...but for me, my thoughts NEED to be articulated, only they are trapped in my head as feelings (that I can name) and thoughts (that are tied to emotion, which then loops back to feelings) but when I attempt to put them into words...they are misunderstood.

When I try to meditate it ends up turning into a journaling session for me because these thoughts I have may be relevant information to what I need to process the trauma....and therefore I get frustrated by it, because journaling hasn't been effective either.

Sure, I can be curious about my thoughts and observe them with detachment, but the reason why meditation isn't working for me is because my thoughts are just begging to be HEARD, but first I need help putting them into words, and observing my thoughts with detachment and curiosity does NOT help with that.

If meditation is simply a way to "get out of my own head a bit" then sitting still while my brain assumes this is a great opportunity to process the trauma is not effective.  So yes, I do various activities to occasionally have moments where I can get outside my own head.  I have the capacity to put my own needs aside and be fully present for another person.  "Meditation" is not a useful suggestion for me. 

[Eireanne]

Possible trigger warnings as I'm not trying to invalidate anyone else

Psychological trauma So I'm trying to better understand MY condition, and I'm so frustrated because most everything is wrong, so if people are using things like this to understand what is going on with me instead of just asking, then the situation is getting worse.  I'm just going to vent a bit and I'm sorry if my situation is different and you find this information helpful, I am not discounting anyone else's experience.

Mental trauma or psychotrauma is an emotional response to a distressing event or series of events, such as accidents, rape, or natural disasters. Reactions such as psychological shock and psychological denial are typical. Longer-term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, difficulties with interpersonal relationships and sometimes physical symptoms including headaches or nausea.[1]

This whole entire Wikipedia entry makes me so mad. 

it's all wrong – at least it is for me because no one has the context of what is going on, so they attribute all these symptoms! And I feel so helpless because I want to advocate for myself and set the record straight but this is the widely held belief!!!

People who go through extremely traumatizing experiences often have problems and difficulties afterwards. Yes, but they make it appear like I have difficulties with like, loud noises that remind me of situations.  "The benign stimulus becomes a trauma reminder, also caused a trauma trigger" Well my triggers are being misunderstood and not having enough context to understand. That "Re-experiencing" can damage my ability to regulate emotions – um no, having my amygdala hijacked by situations that trigger my core wounds of not being heard when I was a child are causing me to be unable to regulate my emotions, because I literally can't get my thoughts straight and no one is listening!

"Often the person can be completely unaware of what these triggers are. In many cases, this may lead a person with a traumatic disorder to engage in disruptive behaviors or self-destructive coping mechanisms, often without being fully aware of the nature or causes of their own actions. Panic attacks are an example of a psychosomatic response to such emotional triggers." Well someone reading that will just say, see, you were just having a panic attack, this is understandable, you aren't managing your trauma well.  Meanwhile, I'm like, No, I know exactly what my triggers are, I do not HAVE disruptive behaviors, I've just been in a state of stress so long my body and brain are reacting to the fact I haven't had appropriate support for this issue and it's starting to break down. 

"Consequently, intense feelings of anger may frequently surface" – yes, I am very frustrated at how many people I have tried to explain this to, but they dismiss it or find some other way to pass my problem off to someone else and disregard me.  I have valid reasons for being angry, but again it says, "sometimes in inappropriate or unexpected situations, as danger may always seem to be present due to re-experiencing past events. Upsetting memories such as images, thoughts, or flashbacks may haunt the person, and nightmares may be frequent.[11] Insomnia may occur as lurking fears and insecurity keep the person vigilant and on the lookout for danger, both day and night." And people are paying more attention to THAT and less attention to just ASKING me, so what is triggering your anger, why do you have insomnia? Well, it all goes back to me not being able to articulate accurately what's happening without the constant amygdala hijacking so my brain is all screwed up and all anyone does is offer resources when I tell them I'm just lonely and I need someone to talk to

The person may not remember what actually happened, while emotions experienced during the trauma may be re-experienced without the person understanding why (see Repressed Memory). This can lead to the traumatic events being constantly experienced as if they were happening in the present, preventing the subject from gaining perspective on the experience.
No, I can't actually remember what happened because my brain lables it as charged with emotion, do not go there...but I can remember what happened, I just can't write it down or say it without my amygdala being hijacked.  Simple things like conversations I have had that have frustrated or confused me are now super charged with emotions. 

Reading articles like this are now supercharged because even as I journal about it I'm not saying what I'm really trying to say because I can't articulate what I'm REALLY trying to say so my brain things of a less triggering scenario and I run with that.  I get mad at my friends when I say something specific to them like, "I need someone to talk to" and they do everything BUT. (which literally JUST happened as I was writing this) I want to rant for an hour of how each one of my "friends" have somehow disappointed me to the point I don't even want to make new friends or bother, or if I do I have to remember to NEVER ask them for ANYTHING and not count on them, and not depend on them, because omgs now I'm * CODEPENDENT for even suggesting I am lonely!

[Eireanne]

Isolation

When I read literature about how people self-isolate, and well-meaning "friends" say things to me like, I know you are taking time for yourself now, I sense you want to be left alone, it all makes me so angry. 


Meditation
The more we become identified with our thoughts, the more we are lost in our individual narrative, disconnected from what we have in common with other humans and other forms of life.  We have turned our sense of self over to our thinking mind, leaving us lost in thought, disembodied.

Yes – because I am 100% enmeshed in my own thoughts, I feel completely disconnected from everyone that even when I try to connect and it's met with....(see isolation) that I just get further and further trapped in my own mind. 

I'm not "getting carried away by my thoughts' I'm trapped by not being able to say what it is that I'm trying to say because there's too much that's been unsaid for what feels like my entire life.  So how do I get all this OUT?? NOT, how do I sit and observe them but attach no meaning to them, because that makes me feel invalidated as well.