Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

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[rainydiary]

Eerie Anne, I appreciate you sharing here.  I resonate with your experience.

[Armee]

Hi EireAnne,

I can relate to a lot of this, and it sounds painful, and also not fair, because you like all people need communication with friends and true compassion, listening, and caring. That's really one key path to healing, so it's not fair to expect you to figure it all out of your own. It's not your fault. You aren't doing anything wrong, I don't think. 

I think you're right, though, that everyone is struggling so deeply we all have so little left to give others at this moment in history. It's sad and lonely, isn't it?

[Eireanne]

My supervisor's lack of awareness ask of me, "what are your goals? what are your skills?  what strengths do you have? what duties and responsibilities do you enjoy doing most?" and I'm thinking, what, omgs I have no idea what you're asking? My goal? That I can take a sick day.  My skills? That I'm still @#$ alive.  I have no idea what you're asking, I am so afraid I'm going to get fired.

[littlebluejay]

Thank you for sharing, Eerie Anne. I'm glad it was helpful for you and I agree, it's nice to be able to share our stories to people who won't diagnose or medicate us 
I commend you for letting your inner child speak. I've been working a lot on recognizing and caring for my inner child, and I know just how confusing it can be. You have inspired me to let my inner child speak, and to maybe even record some of the things she is saying.
I also relate with having to go to doctors and basically spoon-feed them the diagnoses we need  I also have complicated things going on in my body, and wonder just how much of it was caused by the trauma hidden inside of me. I will forever be physically sick and it makes me sad/angry to think some of this could have been avoided if I wasn't traumatized. Our bodies are complicated and always looking out for us--but that can show up in troubling and dangerous symptoms. Sending you a hug and I hope you can get some good rest tonight. Thank you for sharing with us

[sanmagic7]

hi, EireAnne (or is it Eerie Anne?  may i just write EA and cover both possibilities?), welcome to this forum.  thank you for sharing your story, thoughts, and words.  you are being heard here.  all parts welcome. 

many of us have discovered that CB therapy doesn't work well for trauma.  is there a chance you could see a trauma-informed therapist?  you may get better suggestions than 'breathe', better understanding of you and your parts, how they've been protecting you while you've wandered thru an unsafe world.  we've got you, and we're listening.  sending a gentle hug, if that's ok.

[Eireanne]

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[sanmagic7]

hi, EA, as far as writing in your journal, it's yours to write in as best helps you.  if you check out some journals, you can see a variety of ways people use them.  it's your journal.

i can relate to forgetting something i've just said, especially when speaking w/ professionals or 'authority' figures.  i've gotten flustered, tuned out, am unable to understand what they're telling me at times, and have also cried.  trauma brain does its own thing.  i'm glad you spoke w/ someone who was kind and patient w/ you.

i believe as you continue in recovery of your true self, some of this will become easier, symptoms will lessen, and you'll feel more in control.  too many times we've run into professionals who don't listen to us, and it is extremely frustrating.  know that you're not alone with this.  keep going, ok?  we're here for you.   

[NarcKiddo]

Hello EA. I have read your intro post and also this thread.

I just wanted to say that I found your main journal entry very compelling. Yes, it's stream of consciousness but it is clear and you convey your experience and feelings very well.

My understanding of what you have written that one of your worries is having to convey the problem to other people such as your employer. Doing so in the moment is triggering your trauma response which you feel is making you unable to articulate the situation in a way that the other person is able to understand properly. Then the other person's lack of understanding is making you feel that you are not heard. Then their attempts to offer helpful suggestions are triggering you even more because you don't feel the suggestions are helpful and could not possibly be helpful because how can they address the problem if they don't even understand it. Is that sort of on the right track?

Two main things strike me.

The first is that since you (with the help of My Crazy) are able to convey the problem in writing (assuming I have understood it to an adequate degree) then might you be able to keep journalling the problems and what your employer could do to help you, and then edit until you end up with a document that you feel you could present to an employer?

The second is that when your therapist told you to breathe you felt unheard and thought the advice dismissive but when the pharmacy lady was kind to you and also told you to breathe you found this helpful. Could you think more on the interaction with the pharmacy lady and why it was you found her to be helpful? Are you able to remember more about exactly what you said/did/felt and what she said in reply? And how that made you feel. I know your trauma response messes with your memory, especially in the moment, but it sounds like you remember quite a bit of this particular interaction and might possibly be able to remember more. Then perhaps you could tell (or write and then read out to) your therapist what it was about the pharmacy lady that made you respond to her, so your therapist can learn from this. I think the advice to breathe is good, even if it sounds basic and possibly dismissive. I think you would do well to encourage yourself and My Crazy to take a moment and breathe when the trauma starts bubbling up. I wonder whether you might be able to lead My Crazy in some deep breathing, perhaps when you are both feeling calm, so as to get in practice for when things might start feeling a bit more tough.

Also, and forgive me if I am overstepping the mark here, but I notice you call your inner child My Crazy. Why do you call her that? How does she feel about it?

[Eireanne]

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[Eireanne]

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all I want is to be taken care of, like a mom was supposed to have taken care of me, because I don't WANT to be the only one doing this work, I WANT AND NEED support and the closest thing I can get to support right now is talking to myself 

[Eireanne]

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