Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

More from my old journal...with my current thoughts in italics...

If I forgive someone in my mind and let the emotions go that I have held onto, on some level they feel this and it opens the connection up.

Blocks

Chasing the carrot -> if this happens then I will be happy. This message is repeated a lot in the videos I see on finding happiness, I know I won't find happiness from external things, so I don't do this anyway
Pushing -> Sending all vibrations out instead of using your own energy to attract things to you. I wanted to do the work on changing my vibration so I no longer attract abusive people, but I'm drowning in these desperate feelings of isolation, so it's hard to not send vibrations out
Overthinking what you don't have - connect to the universe and it's limitless energy This is all I do, my brain has been wired for it...it's hard when I've been living with scarcity and in survival mode for most of my life, and gratitude brings up feelings of grief
Planning for every contingency, trying to do it all alone um, well yes...I DO have to plan for every contingency, because I've never had help...so I'm not TRYING to do it all alone, I'm literally all alone.
You're in the mood to bury the past behind you and start from a brand new place.  Come to terms w/a fresh perspective on life. hahahahha
Try to slow down and don't be filled with too much worry. I completely slowed down. I put myself on medical leave.  it's almost up and I am not even remotely equipped to handle going back to work, and the subsequent having my position eliminated.  How am I supposed to not worry?
Find your own sense of inner confidence.
Meditate.

The message that I'm getting over and over is that all I need can be found within.  If I still my mind, center myself and focus on my Daily Affirmations I can create a positive vibration and attract that which I most want.

Learn to consciously alight our behavior with something other than our feelings, so that we can act from our highest motivations and intentions consistently, regardless of how we feel.

We want to make enlightened decisions, but when strong feelings take us off track or when we simply lack the feeling of inspiration, we think we need to move us - we waver in our commitments. 

May I learn enough compassion, empathy, useful knowledge, integrity, love and trust in this lifetime that I may pass these skills on and be a catalyst for change, no matter how small.

Another thing is having that...

Confidence in yourself by thinking about different things in the past and how you've gotten through them.  That will help you see yourself as a resilient person. Also, try thinking about which parts of the stressor you can and can't control.  Focus your energy deliberately on parts you can control and find peace with the parts you can't.  Also being more self-compassionate, not beating yourself up so much and having a more unconditional acceptance of yourself rather than conditional - that you have to be perfect, or you have to be brilliant at everything.  That means letting go of perfectionism and challenging your self criticism.  Then you can try mindfulness, trying to get some distance.

Here's the problem with this.  I have been trying very hard to think about how I've gotten through things in the past, but every time I ask for help, people just casually mention my deepest fears, so it's kinda hard to remain confident - knowing I still haven't developed the skills I need to survive.  Everyone tells me I'm too hard on myself, but they don't see that I've never experienced success, and I literally do not know what I need to do...how everything is out of my control, and I keep thinking if I only knew how to say and do the things that I need to do..that other ppl with better resources can stand up to these bullies and get me the protection I need, but I'm alone in this...so how am I supposed to just accept my own survival is not in my control? I've never once thought I needed to be "perfect" but I desperately want to not have to live in survival mode any more. This isn't a criticism, this is just a fact. Being mindful of these facts isn't...beneficial to my wellbeing.  Neither is pretending they don't exist.  I seriously don't know what to do and I haven't found any resources to help.

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places"
In order to succeed, we must first believe we can"
I have to make sure what I'm searching for I find in myself. 
Everything that you do to someone will eventually happen to you.  It's not about the things that happen to you thought, it's how you respond to them.
Every person in my life is there for a purpose, trust the universe and remember everything happens for a reason.  Change your ways when fear seizes, for it usually means you are doing something wrong. Great. So helpful, so living in fear means I'm living my life wrong...but I have never been modeled how to do it right, and I don't know how to do it any differently, because every time I choose something, it's wrong.

[Eireanne]

Daily Inspiration

If you feel called to a greater life than the one you are living right now, you are at the edge of a breakthrough.

What I know is that at the edge of breakthrough, you will always find challenging conditions and obstacles. 

Try this technique to accelerate your breakthroughs:

Soften to what is in your way and allow yourself to become bigger than that condition.

(This is the opposite of what we usually do, which is to become triggered and resistant to obstacles which makes us smaller.)

Consider what water does when it encounters stone.  it is so supple that it pools, and then just flows around and over it, even wearing away the stone itself.

Become as soft as that water, and as strong.  You'll discover that your life expands rapidly, increasing in wonderful ways that you haven't even imagined yet.

[Eireanne]

I've been realizing that the friendship I had with one individual has not been the friendship I've needed.  I don't know how to put it into words for anyone else to understand, and I wish someone would explain it to me.  I keep coming across posts about how I felt...here's one of them:

Pandemic Zoom Chat was small, and D made me do it even though I've expressed several times it's not what I want or need to be doing, I really just need to TALK to someone, and it seems that certain people do the bulk of talking, and others don't talk at all, or get talked over. I feel obligated to keep talking because I'm technically the "host" but I wish I could just sit in the corner and listen to the conversation, or hear how people are really doing...but I can't, because everyone just smiles and says they're fine, even when they aren't...and D says I have to do the same thing or people will feel awkward and not want to be our friends anymore....so after each call we have, I feel even MORE sad and alone, and I'm tired of it.

On that note, I reached out to N, and told her yet again how much I missed talking to them (she used to call me every day, but it was more, she'd call while she was doing other things or talking to other people, or driving, and so it was just sort of quiet company, but not really conversation? It's something I notice she does a lot (not just with me), and as I haven't had time to be her passive phone buddy, I got out of the habit, but I asked could we have just a phone call, or zoom call, I'd like to see you guys, or talk to everyone and hear how everyone is doing. She's all, sure, this weekend, and I'll invite you to B's school thing on YouTube, so I was looking forward to it. Saturday goes by, nothing. Sunday, she texts both D and I (well, messages on hangouts) and invites us to come hang out and stay in her camper next weekend. She says, "Our social circle is limited to my parents and my husband's parents and my sister's family so we are keeping things safe and small. We aren't going to visit any friends anywhere or going to any parties or hosting any parties or social events. I can't risk it with my heart condition so this is the way we will be probably for the foreseeable future." THAT'S 15 people! and all the places that those 15 people interact with and all the people they pass on a daily basis!! The F. I told her, "I appreciate the invite, but I don't think I can mentally or physically handle a weekend out of the house yet. I especially can't handle even the thought of getting into D's dad's jeep. Minimal social interaction for the past 80 days has been extremely challenging for me, and I'm not in a good place to be in person social for long stretches of time". She replied, "Ok just wanted to offer up the opportunity to escape from the city and stay somewhere different for a little bit. Offer also still stands if you want to come out and just not be social with us." Seriously? Not be social? sigh. "Thanks 🙂 A change of scenery isn't as needed as having someone to talk to these days. I've got so much work, being away from the house would just increase my anxiety" and she just said, "ok we are here when you are ready to venture out again and want to visit" So D says, "we'd love to do a zoom call or a normal call or something with you guys soon" and she doesn't look or respond to that comment. *shrug*

So why am I surprised 3 years later, when I have the same ask and I'm getting the same non-response? Why can't I get MY needs attuned to???

[Eireanne]

in 2020, I took a coursera course on Happiness, and here's my response...3 years later, my feelings have not budged. 

My own personal definition of well-being is having your basic fundamental needs met and adequate energy management. If a person cannot satisfy their basic needs - physiological, safety, community and belonging, esteem, self-confidence, acceptance, cognitive, aesthetic and finally meeting one's true potential - it dominates their interests and concerns.

If your focus is on making sure you still have the means to keep food on the table and a roof over your head, staying safe during this pandemic throughout continued natural disasters, systemic inequality and lack of inclusion, all without community and a support system in place, well-being seems like a far off dream.

As for energy management – If you are low on physical, mental, emotional and/or spiritual energy to begin with, it is incredibly difficult just to get through the day doing everything you can to ensure your basic needs are being met, let alone take the added time needed to complete the all the requirements daily.

On good days, it's easy to find things to be grateful for, work on something that would be considered a kindness for another, or try for the umpteenth time to maintain a social connection with friends and co-workers who are too busy or disinterested to respond, but on the bad days? There just aren't enough spoons.

I don't feel that taking the course has changed my belief system at all, and my definition of well-being still holds firm. I do like the accountability and check in portions of the course, but having the bonus work and interactions be on social media was a little contradictory.

[Eireanne]

Again, from 2020...


I was raised in an abusive household and suffer with a lot of childhood trauma/PTSD.  This triggered depression and anxiety - my first bad episode happened when I was 17.  I did not have the resources to get the help I needed, and have made modifications just to get through life.  I've talked to therapists occasionally, but most of them was just that, having someone to ask me how my week has been, but not to dive deep into dealing with these issues.  There are a lot of things that trigger me, and mostly I was just reacting to those, not responding. 

5 years ago I met someone who became my boyfriend, told me he was my other half, I was his puzzle piece.  We had our differences, but from hearing from other people in relationships, this is just how guys are sometimes, so I just have to complain about him to my girlfriends, but for the most part, he's great...until the pandemic. 

To give you a little backstory, this is what he told me: he was in a relationship for 10 years before the 5 with me.  The first 5 with her were great, and they got married, shortly after she developed bipolar disorder.  She did not want to get help or be medicated for it, and their next 5 years were terrible.  I feel he never fully healed from that, as he quickly started a relationship with me.   But put a pin in that, because at the time, I didn't realize.  We both lost our jobs, within a week of each other, and although I found temp work, he spent a year at home, mostly playing video games, chatting online, and reading reddit.  He's excellent at escaping whatever is stressing him out, not facing things and not dealing.  During our fights, he often would walk out to "cool off" but would never want to talk about things when he got home, it's like they just didn't exist. 

Throughout it all, I didn't know....I didn't have a healthy model for a relationship, I just knew we didn't "fight right" and I kept trying to get him to work on strategies to improve our relationship, which he would say OK to, but never do.  It was one of the things we fought about a lot. In fact, his biggest complaint was that we fought too much, and my biggest complaint was that I felt invisible and ignored, and he put me last.  I wanted to be seen, cherished, listened to...he wanted to play video games and not have to deal with things.  In February, we got into a car accident and his car was totaled.  He immediately was able to borrow his parents car.  In fact that's a theme with him, he's never really had to deal with consequences, he usually just has things work in his favor, so he doesn't have to try hard for anything. 

The pandemic brought up all the trauma for me that I wasn't aware of on a conscious level. The unemployed for a year (thankfully I found a job 3 weeks prior to lockdown AND managed to keep my job through a major round of layoffs).  But all this was stress that I couldn't handle...I'd ask him to talk to me, spend time with me, do an activity, and the more I asked, the more he shut down.  I was so wrapped up in my own trauma, I didn't realize I was triggering his.  He was defending himself the only way he knew how, by checking out.  He ended up meeting someone else online, and won't admit it to himself, but he's using her as some sort of fantasy relationship to make him feel good, or fix her where he couldn't fix me, or whatever is going on.  He absolutely cannot handle any confrontation about any matter, and lashes out at me with anger and controlling abuse when I try to discuss things.  The more I tried to talk, the more he avoided me and talked to her.  One really bad night, I responded in an unhealthy way that I wasn't conscious of, but had learned from the way my parents were with me, and his response was not to see a cry for help, but a reason to break up with me. 

He says he is hurt by what I've done, and makes me sleep in the spare bedroom.  He uses this as an excuse...

This was my perspective at the time...I need to work through the way it has evolved since then.

-------------------------------------------------
The relationship devolved into so much abuse after that point, and due to the workplace abuse I've just been barely surviving ever since. 

[Eireanne]

Trigger Warning...because this will trigger me to re-read it.

The other night we were going for a walk.  He suddenly runs diagonal across the street and makes a right.  I can't keep up with him and almost get hit by a car trying.  So I wait at the corner trying to figure out what to do and he just kept on walking away.  I wasn't in any condition to keep up with him and by the time the light was going to change I wouldn't have been able to find him.  I didn't know what to do.  I don't understand why he did that.  It's the second time he's just run off while we were going out.  So I was hurt and confused and decided to let him have space and clear his head and I just went home.  He came home and the first thing he said was, "why did you run off?"  Something inside me snapped.  I was like * are you even talking about.  Then he accuses me of gaslighting him.  I explained to him over and over that there was no way I could have walked off on him when He. Was. Ahead. Of .Me. He insists he saw me walking off to the library.  That we waited for me on the corner and assumed *I* was the one walking off.  That he was trying to be nice and surprise me with ices but that *I* ruined it. 

It doesn't help that my period is 2 weeks late, and in trying to talk to him about it, he just shut down more, tuned me out more, talked to other girls more...Every time I ask him to talk to me he asks why I can't go on my computer and find someone else to talk to like he's doing, why can't he see I'm falling apart?

I cried, "why are you trying to make me think I'm crazy???  And he ignored me and started chatting and laughing with another girl he's been chatting with.  He's been doing that a lot.  Intentionally ignoring me and either turning up the volume on the TV show he's watching with some other girl or putting on headphones every time I try to talk to him.  I get it, he's tired of being yelled at.  And I keep telling him I wouldn't have to yell if he'd stop treating me like I was invisible.   And all the while I'm trying to get through to him it suddenly dawns on me all of his behaviors...he's emotionally invested in these other girls he's been talking to.  I told him it all made sense now, why the second we were done having sex he'd pick up his phone and leave the room, why he spent so much time on his computer until he was sure I was asleep and then coming to bed and chatting to someone else....watching all these movies with someone else...I felt like a prostitute, I felt like maybe he wanted me to hurt, to be gone from his life, so he could be in peace with all these girls that make him so happy. 

...

I'm barely hanging on and I'm ashamed of my behavior.  I'm in a really dark place and I think because of it D and I are really breaking up this time.  I can't eat.  Sleep.  Function.  And it's my fault. But not 100% you know? Only he won't admit, not even to himself that his actions didn't help matters.  And he's only listening to people telling him to stay firm and stick to his guns bc I'm just manipulating him. I'm trying to explain to D how hard I'm trying to get help and please just give me time to get help pls don't give up on us.   He just says, "I don't know" in a way he's just waiting for me to get stable enough to tell me he doesn't want to save our relationship.  Like I'm pretending to get help to trick him into staying with me.  I think he thinks it's so easy like I'll just need one session and I'll be all fine or they'll put me on meds that'll solve everything. 

He's like, "I've waited for you to get better for 5 years, I can't take it anymore" And I'm trying so hard.  I can't help that I can't get my depression under control.  I'm even afraid if he hears me crying he'll think I'm doing it on purpose to manipulate him.  I don't know how to make him understand I can't control this.  I hate being this way!! Why don't I have f-ing resiliency??

When he came home from work, I just wanted to talk to him.  I missed him so much and he talked to me for a little bit.  He let me stay on the couch to watch a movie.  He was on his computer and it was nice just being in the same room without him looking at me like he hates me.  So when the movie was over, he was playing video games so went in the spare bedroom to watch another movie.  I keep hoping it'll help me sleep.  I haven't slept in days.  I keep picking movies I've previously fell asleep to, nothing is working. 

I thought maybe when he was going to bed he might just stop in and say goodnight.  He maybe was trying to be considerate because he thought I was asleep.  Or it could be because he's just going through the motions of being nice to me because he is still planning on breaking up with me for good.  He just says he doesn't know, and he's hurting too much too.

I'm trying to give him space and he said he'd be willing to listen to an unbiased perspective to explain to him about all the above,  He always seems to be so much more receptive to hearing the things I've been trying to explain when someone else tells him.  But he might say, well if this is our dynamic and it's that unhealthy we shouldn't stay together.  If he says he's not going to stop doing all the escapist activities every night to the point I'm constantly feeling ignored and invisible...and that I have to learn how to be ok with him only talking to other girls about his day and not ever willing to do anything with me at all, while also jumping through hoops trying to show him I'm "making progress", well then we really do just need to break up.  And it's breaking my heart + he won't go to therapy. 

He thinks numbing his feelings so he doesn't have to think about how much this hurts and creating a relationship with someone he's never even met yet is the key to working on us...so I'm working on me, and focusing on MY mental health, which is what I should have always done, had I known, or had the tools, or anyone took the time to model the correct behavior and not just take it for granted I should be able to figure it out with no resources. 

I have resources now, I have the perspective I should have had then, and this journal is a walk through that.

[Eireanne]

When I learn something for the first time and I want to talk to you about it you say, "oh yeah, I already knew about that" - it makes me feel unintelligent, but I'm realizing I just never had the opportunity to learn. You may think that's just an excuse, but would it help if you came with me to hear my test results.

Or do you think it's just an excuse for not trying hard enough? I thought the key was getting him to understand that this thing where I'm wired wrong, it is an illness/disability and I'm just now not only seeing it but actually fixing it. Meaning it seriously won't happen anymore.

This thing isn't my fault. Like an illness I'm getting better. So it won't be like it was, which is why you need to start over with me. You might think your perspective is "we've done this all before" - we haven't. We've said "oh, we can try" like last year when you left for NYC. You said you would try and your perspective is you really did try. But my perspective is the way we've been the past year. So it caused a toxic dynamic and again your perspective may be that bc we had a toxic relationship you think it should be over, but the point is we didn't. We fell into the same bad habits. And now that I'm aware of it. I can work towards fixing it. And I  have been for the past 3 weeks. Which you see over and over. Not because we are "friends" now and that justifies your idea that breaking up was a good thing but because I have the awareness of something I never learned before - just like the realization the history I leaned as inaccurate. So in my head you just need time to get there.

But then we have nights like tonight. Mixed signals aren't good - it's like you're trying to convince me I'm being paranoid or reading too much into it but you literally keep canceling plans for them.  You get so defensive and accuse me of spying. Stalking. Reading your computer.  Things are obvious to me, I assume they're obvious to everyone, but I'm just hyper-aware, always have been. Is it me seeing things that aren't there? That's what you want me to think, but your actions show otherwise. How are you a person capable of cheating?  Have you always been this way and I just didn't see?

I have facts, but I start to doubt my own memories of events when D has completely different memories. He tells himself a version of a story that isn't what's happening and he holds onto the belief of his version even when the facts stack up against him. His belief crumbles and he gets defensive and angry.

For the first time I have hope and my brain can't reconcile how you are not seeing it and excited and hopeful with me instead of reminding me "once you break up with someone that's it." All I can do is focus on me and pray for you. 

I am harder on myself than anyone you've ever met because I've always had to make modifications for myself and when I don't perform as well as expected, I've been told I am "not trying hard enough"

____________________________________________________________________

I want to talk to you about perspective.  When I get to the point that it hurts so bad I can't see anything except the hurt, I want to replace the hurt with a pain I can control.  In those moments, I'm telling you this is where I am mentally, thinking you would switch gears and be there to comfort me, but instead it drove you away. Through none of that did you compassionately tell me that you weren't in a place where you could help me.

so many times I've cried to you that I'm broken, that I hate being this way, that I am scared you're going to give up on me, and all those times could have been opportunities for you to say you know what, I don't know what the right thing to do is, but what can I do to help you get the help you need?  You say "every time" and you're tired of this and I get it, but if every time you did and said nothing, and followed it up with nothing, then it didn't count, make it count NOW, help me change the narrative.  I realize you're not equipped to help me, I never asked you for that.  The only thing I've asked you to do is be invested in my healing, pay attention to the work I've been doing, be supportive of my progress and compassionate when I have setbacks. 

[Eireanne]

 He's distancing himself from me more and more.  At first, he just didn't want me to sleep in our bed together, because he said he needed time to get over the hurt I caused him.  Well, that I can understand, but neither one of us were sleeping well apart.  But then I realized it was because he was staying up all night to binge watch TV shows he doesn't even want to see to chat with LH. The one he was "just testing out the Plex sync feature with" and how she's "just a friend and we mostly just talk about the tv show".  Except he calls her dear...so now I know when he calls me dear it doesn't mean anything. 

Then suddenly, he couldn't watch any of our shows together, because he needed to sit around and wait until L was ready...if she was doing something else, he'd literally sit in the bedroom with their TV show paused, waiting for her to be ready, and make up some excuse like, "oh I was just reading this article".  For 5 years you read articles through TV shows we were watching together, but you pay rapt attention to Veronica Mars??  He sits through boring movies that he'd literally never watch on his own, but over the years would use any excuse not to watch a movie with me. 

What's worse, he has started to blow off friends, just in case LH wanted to watch something, he'd suddenly develop stomach aches and bow out of plans with friends, forgetting about things he should be doing, even things I tried reminding him of several times.  So he's not being a good boyfriend, he's not being a good friend, he's not even being a good person right now. He hasn't paid rent in months, and keeps buying ridiculous amounts of things online.  Impulse buys...retail therapy.  Constant drinking and smoking pot to numb all this pain.  All for some girl in California.  Why?  Is he THAT insecure he needs to build a fake relationship with someone "interesting" instead of working on the relationship he's already in? He doesn't know.  He needs time, he needs space, he needs to keep being avoidant dismissive.

The other day he was on the couch talking to LH, so I went into our bedroom to watch a movie.  I wasn't feeling good.  He comes in, says he doesn't feel good either and was thinking about watching a movie with me, but thinking about making something to eat first.  I said, I was thinking about something to eat too, so how about I go make us something and he picks out something to watch.  I start cooking for us, and go in to see what show he's picked for us - oh, LH wants to watch Veronica Mars, so he's just going to do that.  Wait, I'm cooking for us while you watch tv with another girl, and essentially manipulate me out of our bedroom for another girl?

Then he found out I watched Downton Abbey without him, and was so sad...He didn't even like Downton, it was one of MY shows I made him watch.  I literally said to him, "the most hurtful thing I've done is watch a show without you, the most you've done is talk to another girl every day all day and night long" His response - I don't talk to her first thing in the morning, she's not up yet. 

Every time we get close to discussing anything of importance - him paying rent, us working out how to clean the house, discussing our relationship...he completely shuts down.  The most promising thing he said is maybe he'll get therapy once his insurance kicks in. But then clarified that he doesn't need therapy, it might just be nice to have someone to talk to aside from his friends. 

I pointed out if they only hear the side he's presenting, and leaving out my side, then they aren't getting the full story and are giving him faulty advice.  At least when I ask for advice I can own up to my part, he's in such deep denial he's convinced himself he's not doing anything wrong.  But then why do you have constant stomach aches D?  I can't get him to accept his perspective isn't real because he doubles down and holds on to his fantasy so hard when I point out a flaw in his logic he lashes out at me to protect it.  His defense mechanisms are protecting him from reality, so the more I make him feel bad (like when I start crying over some fresh new hurt I discover) the more he needs to talk to her to stroke his ego.  He might even actually believe there's nothing going on with her.  He keeps trying to make me feel paranoid about it, because he wants to believe he's faultless. He can't handle it otherwise.

[Eireanne]

Being as it's our non-aversary, I asked him if he could try to at least be present.  It meant a lot to me.  He said ok, but as we ran errands, it was immediately clear he was going to ignore me the entire day.  First, he  tells me that even though he agreed to take me to treatment, he changed his mind.  He can take me to some...most, but sometimes maybe it might be inconvenient for him and he won't want to.  He tells me this 30 minutes before my appointment, when it takes me an hour to walk.  I explained to him the importance of this, and how I may feel woozy or out of it after, because of the side effects, and he just doesn't care.  I guess Veronica Mars is an incredible tv show that means you may have to just blow off your other half.  Wow.  Then he suddenly says that he's going to take me.  Even though he just told me he might not.  Thanks for creating a stable environment for me to get better. He drove me to treatment, and literally got out of the car and walked away the second he parked.  I was like, where are you going? He just said, you can call me when you're done and I'll come back.  I ended up having to wait for him about 15 minutes after my appointment, just sitting on the sidewalk wondering if I was going to have to walk home after all.  He comes back all nice, and we go home for a bit, then I've got an appointment to get a new phone, which he also agreed to help me with a few months ago.  See, it takes him a few months after he says ok to something to actually do the thing, after being reminded about 20 times...such a catch ladies, I know you're all fighting over him at this point. 

Again, as soon as I get to the apple store he keeps on walking, without telling me where he's going or if he's coming back.  It's like he's purposefully triggering my anxiety by activating my abandonment issues, not once, but as many times as he can, and it's not even lunchtime yet.  Once we get to his parents house, he just lays down and immediately starts texting.  Says it's ok because it's not LH, it's another girl.  So that makes it better?  I tried being cool about it and ignoring him and going on with our day, but I ended up just blurting out to his mom that I couldn't take his abuse anymore, it was hurting me too bad and I wasn't going to be his Cinderella, doing his sewing, cleaning and cooking while he ignored me and talked to other girls in front of me.  So now I'm not allowed to see or talk to his family anymore. 

His perspective is that he was SO nice to be by taking me to the store and to my appointment and I gave him a hard time in front of his mom.  So he was angry, and as punishment he drove me home instead of to the party we were supposed to go to together.  I told him what he was doing was abusive and controlling and I didn't want him in the house until he calmed down.  He ended up going to the party without me and drinking so much they all wanted him to stay there for the night and not drive home....I've been with that D before, Halloween.  I should have realized then how bad his drinking problem was.  He insists he has no problems. 

I think what he thinks is that *I* am his only problem, as I am the only one who sees how he really is, underneath the facade he projects to his social media "friends" and all these girls he's been flirting with and starting relationships with, and all the dismissive, avoidant tendencies I put up with for so long.  He resents me for getting better, for being in a better head space, for seeing clearly.

I'm standing up to him now, and not being a doormat.  It's exhausting.  Trying to explain that I'm finally putting myself first and this isn't about HIM, this is about me and getting to a place where I can be comfortable in my own home.  We are at a standoff right now bc I made a point and he doesn't have a response, so he's got to sit in the living room and watch Veronica Mars on his computer while I watch a movie in the bedroom.  I'm pretty sure he'll plan another way to hurt me because of it, but I'm not the one cheating, I'm the one trying to get healthy, and if he doesn't want to be a part of that, I can't help him, I have to help myself. 

[Eireanne]

The good news is that relief only takes a very short time to manifest...but you must consciously seek it. You must go within and face the very energies your mind seeks to avoid by blaming others for how you are feeling.

Emotionally, we may unconsciously avoid opportunities that would move us forward in growing and reaping the benefits of our natural talents and abilities stemming from an unconscious belief of not being good enough.

Let go of what no longer serves you. Think about a situation that you would like to change. Perhaps it is a work or personal relationship that seems to bring up new frustrating situations over and over for you.

Feel for where in your body you feel the anger, frustration, hurt, etc. Close your eyes and let an image come to you for how you envision it. Recognize that this feeling is what has caused you to reach for a crutch, to blame the other person, to blame yourself or to avoid dealing with it entirely.  Here's the problem with that. I do not reach for a crutch, I do not like the word "blame" If I am alone, and I ask someone to help me feel NOT alone, and they decline - I am not *blaming* them, however, it is NOT my fault that I am alone and I'm trying to fix it but it is out of my control.  The only thing I can do is try not to feel that feeling, and this is telling me to sit in that feeling until the pain is too great and then I just need a distraction for a bit.  It's still not HEALING, and this is where I'm stuck.

Realize that as long as this energy exists within you that the same situations will continue to show up. Great, thanks. And also a great explanation of why I continuously get into relationships with people that are unavailable.  How do I GET RID OF THIS ENERGY?

Turn from this feeling for a moment and ask yourself, "What do I want to feel?" Then ask God or your angels or your Higher Self to allow you to feel that. I want to feel loved, cherished, cared for, attended to, I want to feel like I have someone I can depend on.  But there's just me, and everyone tells me that has to be enough, which is counter intuitive to all the "but humans are social creatures that are not meant to be in isolation"

Then just focus on feeling it. Close your eyes and tell yourself "I INTEND to feel peaceful in this situation and with this person." Then just focus on breathing in and out and allow yourself to feel it.

Do that for until you start to feel the relief of just focusing on feeling peace, love, safe, etc.

Now go back to where the negatively charged feeling is in your body and surround it with the feeling you've been practicing. Some people see this as light surrounding darkness.

Breathe into that darkness and tell it. I am ready to let you go and I now release you.

It may take you several breaths to exhale the darkness out of you. I like to use the image from "The Green Mile" seeing all of that come out of me while exhaling with the sound of "AHHHHHH...." like a loud, long sigh.

Be determined to move forward with your life, with your growth and be willing to face any darkness within you. You will have to face all of it eventually. I always think it's easier to face it proactively on my terms than wait for that energy to manifest a crisis for me to have to handle it then.

I had to be willing to forgive others by no longer being willing to hold onto the emotions I had attached to them and what they had "done" to me. I had to be willing to face up to the times I had exhibited less than perfect behavior and apologize to those I had projected my feelings on.

And I had to be willing to forgive myself.

[Eireanne]

 I don't like the person I am with you and I don't like the person you are without me.



My dreams were never going to come true with you. 



                Why did I waste so many years allowing myself to be held back by you? 

[Eireanne]

In real time...(from 2020)

So earlier D tried messing with my head again. He has this perspective, and no matter how many times I poke holes in his logic, given enough time, his recollection of the events hold fast to that skewed perspective. I understand this is honestly the reality he believes and must hold onto to protect himself, but if he could just step outside himself and see his behavior, just for one moment...and that's it right there. He can rationalize all he wants and paint me out to be the bad guy to justify the way he's been acting, just like my brother was convinced he never laid a hand (or fist or boot) on me and my ribs just must have spontaneously broke themselves. D has never, and probably will never be accepting of someone with a disability. All the warning signs were there. How he chalked up meltdowns to temper tantrums. How he was dismissive each time I tried to explain trauma to him. Or have him watch a video explaining in scientific ways what was wrong with my brain, my chemistry, my makeup. That I needed support and modeled behavior, when all he did was abandon me consistently and then berate me when I couldn't keep it together. I needed an adult, in a relationship built on compromise, not "it's either my way or I'll accuse you of being too demanding". or "I would have done that if you had just"...leaving me to be the responsible one, while you acted like a kid still in college. I needed a partner, someone who took my flaws to heart and helped to make me whole, not one who saw the control and power he could wield on someone fragile and insecure. His perception is that he was there for me countless times. Mine is that he checked out with any number of escapist methods, and even when he was in the same room with me, he was talking to someone...anyone else. The fact that he changed, started to hide things, started to lie...turned things around in anger and blamed me....then treated me like I was paranoid when the facts are plain in front of my eyes. Never once did we talk. He says we talked all the time, but only about topics he could handle. Any time he's faced with something that requires work or effort, he finds a loophole that lets him * around. He sees the parts of others relationships that justify the life he wants, yet he doesn't acknowledge the work people put into making it work. We would never have traveled, never had gone on a vacation, never even gone away for the weekend. No dinners, romantic or otherwise, no surprises. No making Easter special, or valentine's or my birthday. No effort put into us, into himself, into me. Into making me feel special, making me feel loved, making me feel wanted. I'm sure he thought he tried, but he only did as much as he wanted, never what I needed. He may not be capable, or have the maturity. He might not ever be more than he is now, and I've moved past that. He was fine keeping me down at his level where it was convenient, When I "behaved" when I stayed in line. Let him take the spotlight, never had a voice for myself. He never encouraged me to want more, to be more, just liked me insecure and that's why he'd punish me, trigger my abandonment issues, knowing they were a dealbreaker for me, knowing what it pushed me to, what it triggered. Then, when he had already checked out months ago, moved on to someone new, someone "interesting" someone that wasn't me... my biggest problem was when I would fight or say things that weren't nice, he would then go and have a conversation with her, where she was very nice and sweet and didn't upset him. I learned I had to stop doing anything that would make it so going to her was more pleasant than being around me. But even after those times, he would quickly run to her, leaving me abandoned and alone. Any time there was a negative interaction she got the upper hand. Every time we had a positive interaction, he'd compartmentalize it and go to her. I became nothing. D equates downloading a show for me on Plex as "being there" or laying next to me whilst talking to another girl "spending time with me" When I got upset, it was MY problem, MY issue. When I begged him to do an activity with me, even if it's just sitting on the couch near me when I sewed his sweatshirt for him, or reading a book, while I'm reading a completely different book. I tried various things, but the more I tried, the more he shut down...the more I unraveled. I'm told by everyone that I'm reacting normally to an overwhelming situation, yet for him, his perspective, it was just too much. My perspective was him putting me last. Not reading my texts but jumping any time someone commented on one of his posts, or boys chat had something to say, and now any time his trifecta of girls messages him, or wants him for something...he needs to feel wanted, and I didn't make him feel that. I made him feel as if he as failing me, because his perspective was that he just forgot, and why did I get so upset, what was the big deal, it's not a big deal for him, I'm just overreacting, so he'll be dismissive and I'll just get over it. Over and over again. When I'd go through the list of times he had the choice of stepping up and being there, he'd more often than not choose not to take it. Too much effort, is how I felt. I'd TELL him how I felt....his great opportunity to say, your perception is skewed, let me clarify for you. COUNTLESS times, just TELL me if I say something that bothers you, if I do something that upsets you, how else am I supposed to know, I DON'T know, can't know, I have no frame of reference for this, and you aren't filling in the blanks, the ones that need filling....the ones that will diffuse the situation. And even now that you see, all the missteps, all the course correction, you just hold on to that initial story you tell yourself, so you can rationalize your continued dismissive avoidant behavior where it's safe for you to do you, and put yourself first. That's not a friend, boyfriend, partner....what is that?

[Eireanne]

SERIOUS TRIGGER CONTENT WARNING


You never took the time to really get to know me, and it's your loss.  You have no idea what you are giving away, because you never took the time to talk to me, to ask me stories, to be INTERESTED in my life.  Even now you're making this about you.  You think everything is fine and you're oblivious to what is, why I'm upset, why I want you to move out.

I need to learn restraint.  When I would fight or say things that weren't nice he would then go and have a conversation with her, where she was nice and sweet and didn't upset him.  Recognize that any time we have a negative interaction, she gains the upper hand.  Stop and breathe before saying an upset thing.  Recognize it's ok not to say anything and if you get asked to respond "I just need a moment to think" 

But this didn't work because he'd just push and push and push until I snapped. I'd even say, ok, are you happy? You got a reaction from me, you can stop now.  It got to the point where he was gaslighting me with every interaction to the point I'd tell him to just stop speaking verbally to me, if he needed something he needed to write it down.  Because you can't gaslight words that are written. 

It's going to be a process of deciding what you want, given what you have available in yourself and in him.  The path that he is choosing is not one that I want and it sucks.

D has no awareness, and I think that's the most difficult to reconcile. He craves someone who can make him feel big, who can boost his ego, and I'm obviously not going to be that person for him. I need the things I got tonight, someone I could spend over an hour talking to who is legitimately interested in what I have to say and is willing to discourse with me. I can only capture D's attention for brief fragments of time, before something or someone (in this case Lorelai) distract him. He compartmentalizes so hard that even though he's craving my touch, my attention, as soon as he gets her text, it's like a switch is flipped and he's like, "OK" and turns on the tv. And because I'm like, ok, enjoy, he thinks, oh good, she's fine with this, she's moved on too. He can't grasp that for me, each time, this is killing me. HE who was my other half, my puzzle piece, who suddenly isn't. He isn't MINE, and he can't grasp how that is tearing me apart. I'm in here spilling my heart out to you and he comes in, completely oblivious that what he's doing is cruel, his brain isn't even allowing him the awareness that a human being shouldn't treat another human being that they claimed to have loved for 5 years this way, showing off the buttons he got for his phone, or his newest knife, and then literally in the same moment he's sharing with me, he switches off and he's back to her. Or Kimi. And he can't see?? WHY CAN"T HE SEE? This is just cruel. But his rationalization of the situation makes him blameless. The unreasonable way that even though he's the one that has ended things, he won't let me sleep in the bedroom, he won't move into the spare bedroom, he isn't even doing it to hurt me, he actually feels he's justifiably in the right. He denies that he's doing anything with Kimi, but I think she'd be devastated if she knew. He has absolutely no empathy, no emotions this entire time. He shows it in the way he blankly looks at me and can't figure out why I'm crying. He can't piece together the correlation between my insomnia, nightmares, broken heart have ANYTHING to do with his current behaviors. That the best thing he could do for me, if he truly wanted us to be over, is MOVE ON, MOVE OUT, let me heal!!!! WHY WON'T YOU LET ME HEAL!? Why won't you have ANY sympathy that my father just died!!! Have you always been this dead inside, or was this triggered by my trauma? Why can't you see you need help? But you can't, and you won't, and you might not ever. I keep thinking that one day you'll come back to me, but other times, I realize they are giving you what you couldn't get for me, and ultimately, we aren't right for each other after all. Through no fault of your own, I've allowed you to hold me back. I've allowed you to be in control, to control me, to not allow me to have a say, a say in my safety, a say in what we did, how we did it, where we went, how long we stayed. You had no idea the detrimental effect you had on my sanity by constantly triggering me for years. And I don't deserve to be continuously treated that way. I deserve someone who is willing to cherish me, someone who wants to heal the parts of themselves that are broken, so they don't continue a cycle of abuse. Someone that once they realize the harm they are doing, take steps to STOP doing the thing, not someone who seems to almost willfully do it to keep me broken. Because even if you're just lashing out in self defense because you think that I'm hurting YOU, this isn't healthy for either one of us, not when you refuse to hear me, or understand that I've never done anything to you intentionally hurtful, and most of my learned behaviors weren't acknowledged, even though I've directly ASKED for you to communicate with me. I need a partner who is willing to be mindful, be aware, be willing to better themselves, not someone who does the bare minimum but puts on a good facade and is so insecure he needs to have constant praise without actually putting in any of the work. I know you resent me because I am the only thing that puts a hole in your facade, and you like to write me off like I'm crazy, or I don't know what I'm talking about, but M knows...she's seen. J too, and you can't stand that people can see the real you, so you run to people that don't actually know you. That way you can be whomever you want them to think you are, and they don't know any better. So of course, now you have this new found confidence, but it's only a matter of time....you can't be a mask to the entire world without losing your sense of self. And I'm finding mine. So we aren't in the same place anymore. We may never be again. If you think we could be, I will give you this to read, and we'll see if you still want to do the work. The funny thing about it, it's not even like it's HER, because I wonder if she knew how many times he gets up and walks away while they are "watching something" together. Or how many times he's turned the volume down because we are having a conversation. And it's like, why can't you simply say, hey, I'm not going to do this tonight, I'm going to "watch hamilton with my GF" or hey, I want to watch something with someone else tonight....and that's how I realized how very long this has been going on, just now it's escalated, because now you don't see how it's not ok, becuase you've just said the words that negates any responsiblity you have for my feelings. I'm sorry I didn't realize how you were hurting, but I can't get you the help you need unless you're willing to see you need it, and right now you're just resenting me. Another perfect example of how we are no good for each other, is you need for me to say how cool your lighter is, because of your need to impress, however, because of my issues with money, all it does it trigger the stress and insecurity...I've TOLD you the stories, how my grandfather, in a moment of lucidity confided in me that he should have made more money in his lifetime, becuase if he had, he wouldn't have ended up in such a depressing place, he would have been able to afford better care. My dad expressed the same sentiment, how you need to work hard, and make as much money as you can, and then my mom wasted it all....I see what you do as a mirror of that and it SCARES me, I needed financial security, and when we were both unemployed for a year, the fact you were still spending outrageous amounts of money terrified me. Instead of understanding this was one of my triggers, you ignored, dismissed, even aggravated this fear, because you felt criticised, hurt, judged....instead of seeing it for what it really was, instead of being able to talk to me in a way that made me NOT worry about the future. Even now, spending hundreds of dollars and rationalizing it, still triggers me, and you aren't empathetic, and you may never be.

What I need for everyone to understand is, I was socially horribly isolated before I started dating this individual.  I was terrified if I couldn't make it work with him, I would lose all the people in my life and go back to being chronically isolated.  It was my biggest fear.  It is so horribly painful to live this existence devoid of human connection.  That I overlooked that he wasn't offering me that, I just kept being told it was something *I* was doing wrong. I was too depressed, I was too anxious, I wasn't trying hard enough, I was too sensitive, I was too ugly, too weird, too worthless, too much.  I have NEVER been told I am ok, just the way I am.  Not by my parents, not by my friends, not by my teachers, not by my classmates, not by my managers, not by my boyfriend. I didn't even KNOW this was a thing.  I had never experienced it. I saw OTHER people have the relationships I wanted, and I just though, If I was...smarter, prettier, funnier, easier to be with, then all these people would want to be around me. 

Being over someone else's house, and having them be surrounded by family, friends, have christmas cards that fill up a wall...have sooo many connections....and my entire life I've felt like the little match girl.  Because even the people that do take me in do it conditionally.  And at that point in my life it was, You are invited because you are with him. Once you aren't with him, we will welcome the next one. I was always hypervigilant for the next one.  He would always tell me he didn't want to marry me, but he didn't want to break up with me YET.  Things were fine, FOR NOW.  So I never developed any sense of security and I couldn't figure out why.  And I knew if I couldn't figure it out, I'd spend the rest of my life alone.  I was so desperate to not be alone. 

After a while, he started actively abusing me.  I was terrified of him.  So I'd pretend I wasn't, I pretended I was so interested in him, I was attracted to him, I wanted him to teach me things....because he was always drunk and high and kept buying knives...and then he bought a gun.  And I was terrified he'd just be aiming at the door one day, and I'd walk past, or need to go to the bathroom and he'd shoot me, and I'd end up in a dumpster and no one would even care.


And how many people would say, omgs that's horrible, I'd care.  Except...these are the same people I've been reaching out to for the past two months and said, I'm not doing well. Can you please show up for me? And can't understand why I'm reacting the way I do.  Abandoned by everyone.  About to lose my job.
Reduced to a life where the only human contact I have is with words on a screen. 

I am not saying I am not grateful for everyone who is showing up.  Everyone who is leaving me hugs and support and letting me know I'm not alone.  But I'm about to lose my job because I do not have the right way to fight.  I am a traumatized, abused woman who has never known support, been abandoned by her family of origin, and all the people she currently assumed were "family".  I've had to do the work of trying to make NEW friends, all while processing all that is happening around me and all of it is out of my control...but wouldn't be if I had resources and support. It is too hard for me to advocate for myself under these conditions and KNOW the right way to navigate HR to convince them I deserve psychological safety and a place where I won't feel like I'm dying...but I've never had a job experience that wasn't like this....and didn't end up like this....and I'm so used to not having anyone defend me...and I desperately want a chance to live before it's too late.

Those feelings....the desperation to figure out a way to make the relationship work so I wouldn't lose my social support...is everything in that moment I anticipated happening...and what I'm experiencing now.  So now, I'm having those same feelings knowing once again what is about to happen.  It's always been like this, my Cassandra complex.  Seeing, I'm about to lose my job, and I don't know what to do.  I need to finish processing the work anecdotal records, but the trauma associated with that is too fresh, so every time I try I get.....I figured I'd spend the day processing 3 year old trauma instead.  Thank you to everyone that held space for me during this time.

[Eireanne]

Diversity Lecture: John Cacioppo on Loneliness and Brain Health

I mentioned the other day I had a Feely talk about this lecture...it went well...we started sharing parts that stood out to us, but since it was FOR me, I got to lead the conversation and we veered directly into the issues I was having at work and how hard it was for me since I have been so isolated...we really didn't go "dark" and it's ok, because I felt supported.  But....the parts of the lecture that bothered me most:

it's an existential concern that's very real to them-- is that they will pass and no one will even know that they died, and their body will rot with no one discovering it for months. For those individuals, any connection is better than none.  Happily, that level of loneliness, most of us don't have to deal with.

Happily.  He said.   

Here are the other parts of the lecture that I took notes on:

I listened to this whole thing and took notes.  https://youtu.be/5k0TXwL_5u0

Imagine a condition that:

×         makes a person prickly, depressed, and self-centered This is where I started, just this one line. I do not feel prickly, depressed, or self centered.  Anyone who reads this journal knows how I feel...but I'm terrified I will end up this way, I've been alone for so long

×         affects approximately 1 in 3 people in America

×         affects 1 in 12 people chronically, and

×         is associated with a 26% increase in the odds of premature mortality.

×         The condition is typically reversible but common-sense solutions are not helpful.

×         The effects are not attributable to some characterological peculiarity of those affected by the condition, but rather are due to the effects of the condition on you and me and everyday people.

×         Income, gender, ethnicity, education, and age are not protective, and the condition is contagious.



There is such a condition. I've just described you the condition of loneliness.

That's not how the public thinks about this condition today. It was thought to be an aversive state with no redeeming features; barely different than depression, or being alone, or introversion, or neuroticism. This is how I've been made to feel. I'm neurotic. I'm an introvert.  I'm depressed.  It's what I've been diagnosed with, when all this time it was ISOLATION

We know all of these are incorrect now.  Lonely individuals differ in loneliness, social support, shyness, social skills, anger, anxiety, self-esteem, fear of being negatively evaluated, optimism, and mood.

Loneliness isn't "those people"- it's you and me when we feel isolated from others around us - not when we are isolated. The correlation between whether you're isolated or whether you feel lonely is .19, when we feel isolated around others, our personality changes.

Loneliness, like physical pain, is ancient, it's atypical, and it's functionally adaptive as a temporary condition. Physical pain evolved as an aversive signal that indicated you were doing damage to your physical body.

Loneliness is an inverse of pain that calls your attention to another need - the integrity of your social body, which we also need, as social animals – "We need others to survive and prosper in this world" - Helen Keller.

We need these healthy relationships with others where we engage in mutual benefit. Without those, we're more likely to be subject to selfishness on the part of others and then of course were left to that.

Loneliness is not only sad, it's a dangerous condition for a social animal.  Loneliness triggers changes in brain state and behavior, and, a subset, it changes our consciousness. We become aware of this aversiveness, we feel bad.  Those are the two most salient things that it does to our consciousness. That's just the tip of the iceberg of what it really does.  Feelings of loneliness are analogous to hunger, thirst and pain and motivates attention.  It leads to an increase in vigilance for social threats and self-centeredness.  The neural, hormonal, cellular and molecular adjustments promote short-term survival but have long-term costs.  To give you a sense in which you're attending to these processes, not only are you unaware, you can't stop it.  When you become lonely, your brain pays special attention to negative social events, negative social stimuli.

In looking at non-lonely and lonely brains at rest, what we see is the connectivity in that resting brain's alertness attentional network-- it's the frontal region and the lateral region--it's called the opercular-- "cingulo-opecular network"-- is on high alert, compared to non-lonely.

So you're not doing anything, but if you're lonely, it's attending, it's looking, it's surveying. The blue nodes are a self-regulation network, and that goes down when you're lonely. Why? If you're in a crisis situation, that's a bad time to learn, that's a good time to do what you already know... and that's basically low self-regulation.

You're going with what's called the "dominant response," the over-learned response, the impulsive response. So self-regulation is lower, and the network is diminished even at rest.  Is this why I don't feel hunger anymore? Why I have a sensory processing disorder? I don't disassociate, I just think my nervous system has had enough and it's just...stopped functioning

in the lonely brain, looking at a negative social picture, controlling for this, that visual cortex is particularly active.

Loneliness, increases inflammation.  Inflammation in the brain can be a very deadly process. It increases your likelihood of dementia and death. This is something else I'm terrified....Alzheimer's with no social support.  Ending up in a nursing home staring at a wall for twenty years...trapped inside my own head with no one to talk to....but that's the life I'm living now.  Is this literally all I'll ever experience in my life?

When you become lonely, the brain triggers five different sets of pathways.

It decreases sleep salubrity. You have more micro-awakenings, you have less slow-wave sleep. This explains my insomnia

You get dysregulated hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal cortical activation - your stress hormones get juiced, because you might be exposed to a stressor - without others to help you, you need to be ready. This is why I react, and not respond

"Selective sympathetic onus"-- the "fight or flight" response, it changes selectively in a way that impacts your blood pressure, your resistance, and gene expression.

Transcriptome dynamics - You have about 2,500 genes, but they're not all turned on. Which ones are turned on and off depends partly on your developmental history, including your feeling of isolation or loneliness. When you feel that you don't have safe relationships, your brain and body, including the genes that are being turned on, start to mobilize so that if a challenge arises, or a pathogen arises, you are able to defend against that. One of the things it does is to increase inflammation in case you incur an injury. Viral protection goes down in loneliness. And they aren't giving out any boosters, and they aren't enforcing the use of masks, and they are dismantling all the....stuff they had in place because the immunocompromised and disabled are an acceptable loss - I am just a drain on society.  I have no value.  I serve no purpose....and how am I supposed to believe otherwise?  No one has ever made me feel otherwise.  Just me.  My lone voice in the dark reminding me of how much I've been through and I'm STILL advocating for myself, even though it's  not getting me anywhere.  I've survived all of these days so far, and I'll just keep going...but knowing what's to come....and all of this evidence of what is to come after THAT?  And ALL of this is largely out of my control??  Really unfair hand I've been dealt by the universe.  I used to think I was cursed.  I must have really accumulated from * karma in a past life

Loneliness is causal. So let me just bring this to a summary really quickly.

So what kind of interventions work?

The most obvious is they're lonely, put them with other people.  Unfortunately, it doesn't work. If you're lonely and your brain has gone to a slightly more defensive, prickly stance, the worst thing to do is to interact with another lonely person, who's prickly and defensive, because the two of you, after a while, don't like each other.

If people have terrible social skills, yes, they're more likely to be lonely. When you look at the population at large, social skills are not the problem.  They have good social skills. When you get lonely, you think about yourself, not others.  You will show poor social skills. When people feel lonely--they SHOWED poor social skills. They did not HAVE poor social skills. They showed poor social skills because they weren't thinking of others. So the training is training them something they can already do.  I don't really agree with this part here.  He seems to imply (more than once) that isolated people are selfish and trust me, it isn't because I'm not thinking about others that I have no social skills.

Social support. It's not about being with others. It's about being with others you want to be with.

Social cognition. This is actually the right approach and the research was fairly sparse, but it looked like there is this notion that digital connections are substitutable. If a child falls and scrapes its knee, texts will not make the child feel nearly as well as if the friend or parent is there to pick the child up. We are wired in that fashion.

[Eireanne]

There is a post I have had tabbed on my computer, so I want to jot it down here, because it resonated with me so strongly

Things I struggled with in the early days of grief:

Not having anyone to listen.

Since I couldn't talk to them, I wanted to talk about them. Sadly, I didn't have people around who could listen.  And when I did, it made them uncomfortable.

Wondering if I was tired, lazy or unproductive.

I didn't know how exhausting grief was.  When I didn't do much, I felt lazy.  I wanted to do more, but I didn't have the mental, physical, and emotional capacity to.

Zoning out. 

Concentrating felt impossible.  I had to fight hard to pay attention, be present, and engage with others. Often, this required a lot of effort and left me feeling mentally exhausted. 

Distrusting of faith, prayer and well wishes.

I wanted to believe spirituality worked, but I was skeptical.  I was tired of people who hadn't experienced what I had make faith seem easy as I lived an unfavorable outcome.

Irritable.

I was mad and I didn't always know why or at whom. Then, I'd get frustrated that I was frustrated.  This left me wanting support from others, and also not wanting to be around anyone.

Reading.

A once avid reader, reading page after page was hard.  My concentration was also down.  I found reading music challenging too, so the struggle extended beyond words. 

Remembering. 

It was hard recalling stuff the first few years after my loss, even important things.  I used to tell people, "you can't remind me too much."  It wasn't that I didn't care, but my mind was too consumed with processing the loss.