Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

I sincerely appreciate anyone who takes the time to read through the onslaught of journal entries I leave...it really helps me a lot to know there are people here who hold space for me, even though I cannot yet return the favor. 

2020 - a breakthrough I had when dealing with D POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNINGS

I want to tell you all the long stories, and the explanations for why things are the way they are so that you'll understand me better. The point is I tried that in my last relationship, because I just wanted to be understood and I thought if I told more stories and I gave more explanations that the reasons why certain things triggered me would be understood. The only thing that ended up happening was me exposing all of my weaknesses and consequently having them continuously be used against me in an abusive and manipulative way.

This is the window, after therapy, after neurofeedback, after the call with D, that I reached the next level of understanding, the breakthrough...I feel like it hasn't happened in a while, and I was realizing that it was D that was triggering the breakthrough, but that exposing myself to him (like I did on Sunday) only ended badly for myself, I got triggered/gaslighted/abused and realized for my own mental health I need to limit my interactions with him.

K said something interesting that didn't resonate at the time, that we are roommates now, and I am under no obligation to interact with him.

All the thoughts I've been having, walking in on R with his little sister, the things D would do...realizing I can't open up to D because I can't trust if it's not just giving him ammunition, and on some level he understands that and logically since we have to wait at least 6 months anyway, he's in NO RUSH.  That's...alleviating so much pressure.  I can just be me.  And knowing I can be me changes my perspective so much, which is what he did with me back in July.  it's EASY for him to be inconsiderate, to not be affected that his actions are affecting me, he's so distanced from me I'm not even in his periphery anymore.  And that hurt, but now he's not on mine, and I can seriously be JUST as inconsiderate and say without emotion, I'm sorry, I just wasn't considering you.  I don't HAVE to, you're just my roommate and right now S was a better roommate than you.  You are the WORST to live with, you are so unkind.  What's more, you were terrible in bed.  You never gave me what I needed even when I SPELLED IT OUT for you.  F YOU. You are a * person, and an even worse friend.  Why the f would you think we were going to stay friends? After what you did, and continue to do you selfish, insecure, narcissistic, abusive, manipulative piece of s, surrounded by your f-ing sycophants that egg you on, but don't genuinely care about you! You won't let them, you constantly LIE to them, they don't even know you, they know the you you're pretending to be...and it's easy to pretend when they don't know the real you...even your parents don't know the real you, and when I threatened to expose you, you had to ban me from talking to them, well guess what, it's OK now.  I know you were only using my weakness against me, but it's NOT a weakness anymore, because people are choosing ME, choosing to believe me.
_______________________

I don't know who the ppl are that were choosing me, choosing to believe me...other than his cousin, well M, but mostly I didn't tell anyone details.  I really needed to.  I still project ppl that I get to confide in, to tell them what really happened, and I think it's the part that has been coming up lately, the dramatic one.  My therapist says she does it for all the times I've felt invisible, because being dramatic brings more attention to it, makes it bigger than it is so people notice, and me feeling so invisible leads to that part wanting to exaggerate so people will pay attention. 

The thing that sticks in my mind though, is the times other people don't see what I see.  Like B at work saying he didn't see anything wrong in the way my manager was responding to me, even though I felt it was incredibly triggering.  I keep thinking people won't see my interactions with D as abuse.  That feeling of having your perspective altered into what you felt you should be congratulated for you are actually being reprimanded for, and the feelings of being lost and confused and not clear on why.  Like ppl see what they want to see, and I just wonder if I'm seeing things that weren't really there.  Then, is the validation really accurate or just more telling people what you think they want to hear?

[Eireanne]

D - 2020

This is why I have to think about you, why I have to worry you like a dog with a bone, because eventually I can piece it together and get those breakthroughs and THAT is why you're my mirror.  It was easy to forget, but I got there even without them.  I am still insecure, I will still get triggered, but I'm really figuring it out this time, figuring it out on my own, figuring out what I want, what my dealbreakers are, where the line is, what *I* want....

I'm not making the same mistake.  The mistake that I let you take my time, that I thought if we moved in together I would get to keep my time.  What ended up happening is I gave myself up for you, all of me in trying to be something you wanted, only you would never TELL me what you wanted, you made me guess and when I got it WRONG you just made up your own mind, you decided for me, if I was allowed to have a panic attack, if it was acceptable.  If I was allowed to be comfortable in my own skin, if I was allowed to feel happy, or pleasure, you wouldn't encourage my growth! You wouldn't encourage me to do the things that made me feel good.  You lied about it, from August-September, and once I figured out it was a lie, it all disappeared.  Now you try to twist things around and tell me you can't figure it out, it's my fault, because *I'm* being hostile and you are an innocent victim...is that what you're telling them? Another ex-wife story?  Is this what you DID to her?  It probably was, and although you vehemently deny it, thou doth protest a little too much sir.  Why else would you constantly tell me how many jobs you've applied to, I know you're just playing video games and talking to et al.  Reddit...I KNOW you, and that's what you can't reconcile with, so you threaten me.  Well f you.  167 days.  Now back to ME. Focus is on ME again, and you can make an f-ing appointment because I don't NEED you. I'll let you know when I do.

Aside of the myriad of things that have happened recently that I KNOW I should be writing here but just haven't, holy crap I'm in a good mood.  I can actually sink into a show and ENJOY it now without the constant tugging me out for something inane, I can watch WHAT I want, WHEN I want stop it as often as I want and not be made to feel guilty...sure you said countless times you didn't mind but you made me FEEL like you did...all your bs gaslighting now, and hiding your silverware AGAIN? WHAT IS SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH YOU?? 

And then there's THAT level, the level where I can just make you sound crazy, but the deeper level is the dangerous game I not only can see you play now, but catch you in the lies, and SEE when you're not planning on doing the thing....maybe at one time it was your ADHD, but for you seriously to never make any modifications at all, but now completely textbook bs....you're so predictable now, and I laugh and I tell you I see, but I need to stop that, next phase is just biting my tongue and walking away. 

[Eireanne]

I realize that I have to let Drama out, so the part of me that wants to correct her...is the one processing the trauma for me.  Giving me accurate pieces of the puzzle I was putting into words...over and over again...but not understanding it myself.  The fact that I had a disability, and I knew (and had it verified by HR) that I could NOT disclose I had a disability to my manager...so I had to ask for accommodations in a round about way, never really understanding how to explain it...so it would be awkward and I wouldn't know how to answer her...she responded by telling me I lacked confidence and worried too much.  Instead of LISTENING to me.  Asking questions, doing ANYTHING a good manager should do.  But I understood she wasn't meant to be a manager, she sucked at it, and she knew it too.  (Drama) They weren't trained.  They didn't understand, and didn't have time for it. I understood that...that had been my entire life, I understood how to get into other people's brains and understand their patterns well enough to be able to predict their behavior.  I've had to, because I was being abused. I learned how to be hypervigilant.  But when I say "abused" I understand *everyone* will interpret that through their own lived experience of their definition of that word.  And they'll misunderstand and never ask, "what do you mean by that"

There were so many things I couldn't explain, I didn't have the vocabulary for..why I couldn't explain to Catherine...I couldn't understand what she couldn't understand was SO OBVIOUS to me I didn't understand why I needed to put it into words, I couldn't explain it, I already understood it, so I didn't...make words for it..which is why I have such a hard time with my resume, I just DO the thing, I don't know how to say the thing.  I never say ANYTHING out loud, I live in my head, with all my parts having conversations like I'm some friggin Jane...haha

But that's just how social isolation presents itself for me.  The documentary made it out like I'm some bitter, angry person who bristles...and I'm like, are you kidding? I'm going to turn INTO someone like that, and I panic, and I'm so desperately alone that it hurts...and no one understands...the new friend I made in the neighborhood, I thought she understood...but she actually has a social life, and friends, and plans, and can get a small group of people together...so it's starting to hurt to be around her, and also now she just sort of uses me for rides places, and I don't mind taking her at all, honest, because I didn't have a car and I was desperate for people to offer to give me rides places - but no one does...so it's fine, I'm so independent, I'll walk everywhere...alone...no matter what day or time...or temp. (Drama) sigh...

And so, I need to keep doing *this* to have it all make sense to me.  Because it's just been in my head for so long, no one ever cared to ask me to put it into words, so the message I got from everyone is...bad. Because if they really were my family, or loved me, or cared about me, they would have shown up.  They would have said "how can I help" But their actual responses just bounce around in my head that if they ever would talk to me again I would probably have something angry to say at them...it's been SEVEN MONTHS....I just want to scream and rage and grieve but there's SO MUCH...but I'm kicking *.  It makes me mad, and then the mad processes all of the bits that are valid.  It's just...it happens faster than I can type, and it's so easier (much) to talk than it is to type, so sometimes I leave myself voice memos, but it takes SOOO long to transcribe what I say to myself...I still haven't caught up to from the last round of transcriptions, not to mention email drafts to myself...it's so annoying having only myself to talk to. 

My work kept me so socially isolated, I lost the few friends I did have...which wasn't true...what was true is I was so busy I just didn't have time to notice they never talked to me, I assumed they were as busy as I was (and in most cases, I was right, I know we were ALL burnt out) but they still prioritized other people..and rarely talked to me, and only really talked to me when *I* called (Drama?) but I had to make sure I made it all about THEM, because people kept telling me a sign of maturity is to be interested in OTHER people, and stop focusing on MY problems, be curious, be empathetic, be compassionate...right? But when is it my turn? (Yes, Drama) The irony...I'm exhausted, I mean, my hands are...I'll read this tomorrow (probably not, there's too much more that needs to come out) Ok, eventually...

The best part of my therapist, she can keep up with the conversation with all my parts.  I think she's kinda impressed I can do it naturally, and I'm also aware of all of them, because most people are stuck in the "not being aware of self" consciousness, which makes me harder to work with maybe? I don't know...I just feel like my Motivational Monday emails were just regurgitating CBT mantras, and everyone loved them. 

It's like I can see behind the curtain, and I understand what's going on...like Tessa did to me, except I decided to be an empath and she decided to be a sociopath...like my brother. 

Which leads me to think of the stuff that came up in my therapy homework, but really...hands tired, and feet have fallen asleep.  SPD is in full swing and I just need to lay down

I need to time these...tomorrow is another therapy day.

[Eireanne]

Some things I realized last night when it comes to reading your journals (returning the favor, as it were).  Perhaps you all can weigh in and help me?

I appreciate the feedback in understanding it's acceptable to respond to your hugs with my own at a beginning of an entry, only sometimes I'm in the middle of processing and I tend to maybe post a number of entries one after the other until I work my way through whatever I'm working on. 

Sometimes, I can't verbalize what your messages mean to me, and often I feel like people are misinterpreting what I'm saying, and then I need to overexplain, so I tend to say nothing until I can come up with what I mean.

Sometimes, I am intimidated by going to your journals, because I am not clear on where to start, and if I should go back to the beginning and read through some of your experiences, or go back a week, and then I just feel overwhelmed and not sure if I can even say anything helpful or useful, because I'm still working out how to be helpful or useful to me, and I don't want to say or do the wrong thing, so it makes me say and do nothing, but then I feel like I'm take take taking without giving, so maybe you all can invite me to a starting entry?  Or explain how you all navigate others journals?  Unsure...I thought it clearer last night, but I had been typing for so long I needed to lay down and now I can't remember how I thought it.  I just know I want to be more understanding of other people's journeys, as I keep on asking people to be understanding of mine. 

Just not clear on how to do that right now, but want to be mindful and respectful of boundaries...thanks.

[Eireanne]

Voice memo July 3rd 2022

It's like my brain is trying to follow a train of thought but it hits a wall and it doesn't know what to do and it doesn't know how to keep going so it figures, ok, let's loop around and try again and see if you can get a little further. So my brain puzzles with these things I don't know how to put into words, over and over again, each time getting a little closer to figuring out what I'm trying to say.   But, sometimes that takes weeks, and that's what I mean when I say my thoughts spiral, because I literally can't figure out how to put them into words and writing an email sometimes takes 4 hours because I can't figure out how to express what I'm feeling verbally.  What I need is connection with other human beings, I have this desperate need to have somebody that will allow me to try to explain what I'm trying to say and they can help me put it into words.  Kinda like playing that game passcode (or whatever) when people are allowed to say everything except that one word, half the time, my brain is trying to figure out what a word is.  It's like I need the opposite of a dictionary, I want to give somebody the lengthy explanation and have them tell me what the word is, and every time I try to explain this to somebody, it comes out like I have ADHD and I can't focus, or I have "spiraling, out of control thoughts" or I'm "depressed" because my brain literally shuts down because I'm so overstimulated at trying to deal with too many things going on at once I don't have the words for, and when I try to explain that aspect of it, people tell me I'm autistic.  I don't even know what's right anymore and why would I when I've been gaslit nearly my entire life – I don't trust my own thoughts because I was made to feel crazy, and I know I'm not crazy, I know I have trauma I need to heal from, I know I have grief over the loss of the life I never got to live because I've wasted too many of my years being trapped in a traumatic experience – a never-ending traumatic experience where I can't seem to catch a break and if I say that I'm angry about that, then people tell me I have anger management issues, and I just can't get out of being labeled long enough for people to actually hear me, and it's extremely frustrating. 

Because I started that thought in my head, I can't remember what the beginning of it was, so I tend to always have to start in the middle and then loop around, because linear order tends to be really difficult for me, mostly because of my short term memory.  I try to remember things, and I just can't seem to keep them in my head, as soon as someone introduces themselves to me and says their name, my brain can't latch onto it, even if I try repeating it, even if I say their name a bunch of times out loud.  Even people I've known for years, I literally will blank out of what their name is, I'm afraid to introduce people to other people because I'm not sure what their names are, and if I ask them what their names are they usually say, "but you've met me already" and then I feel shame.  So I don't say anything, so I stop talking to people because I don't know what to say and I'm super awkward about so many things that I don't have the social skills because I can't get out of my own anxiety and I can't get out of my own anxiety because the practice that I need is contingent on having positive experiences and my positive experiences are few and far between that I'm desperate for them, that I need to have some sort of interaction with another human being that helps me feel seen and heard and I don't have that and when I ask for it, people tell me that I need to go to a therapist and I'm not getting it from my therapist, so I don't understand what I'm paying for, because I don't feel that I should have to argue so much just to be heard the first time so it doesn't trigger me feeling like I'm not being heard and that's my biggest trauma is not being heard, so when I'm not being heard by the person that is supposed to be giving me treatment, I don't know what to do so I shut down. 

[Armee]

I definitely relate to so much of what you are writing...memory issues, feeling shame about not remembering people so isolating, feeling the need to get it all out, etc.

It's a lot of stuff we have dealt with for so long and it all piled up and we want to deal with it all right now. Unfortunately our brains (and even the brains of our therapists) can only deal with one piece at a time.

I dont know what will work for you in your work in therapy. For me, I had to start with a small insignificant easy little chunk and put everything else on the back burner and slowly work through the low hanging fruit first. Trust me it was extremely frustrating to be talking about managing task related things like overwhelm during chores while there were these big bad traumas waiting  for attention. It felt so wrong.

For me it turned out to be the right approach because I built skills and tolerance for easier things first and little successes boosted my confidence and my trust in my therapist. And ultimately everything does link back to trauma anyway, so I was always working on trauma even when it felt like I wasn't.

I hope this doesn't come across as preachy or anything, I'm just intending to share what the early days of dealing with the traumas was like for me. And that I am happy with how it worked out in the end and feel good about the process we used. I wasn't ready for the hard stuff for several years. My window of tolerance was just a slit, and really insufficient for processing trauma. But this slow work built it up wide enough that now I can deal with the hardest stuff.

I was really happy to read that you came to some new insights during your last therapy session. Those little successes help me to keep going so I hope it also gives you a boost.

With regard to reading and responding to others' journals we all felt the same way coming in new to the forum so what you are feeling and wondering is very very normal. You are certainly welcome to go back to the very beginning of people's journals if you really want to, but that's a lot of work and time. I think it's OK to not respond to others journals or to just respond based on the latest entry and what they are dealing with right now, without knowing that person's backstory.

All to say, it's up to you. There is no pressure here to do anything aside from taking care of you and being respectful and kind to others, knowing we are all in the same boat managing triggers, overwhelm, and lifelong trauma.

[Eireanne]

I really want to vent about something that's bothering me.  But I don't, because I don't want to seem ungrateful.  And I don't know why things bother me so much (maybe because every time I try to vent, people tell me I'm complaining and I sound like a victim? = feeling invalidated) So I want to say it again and again and I don't know why I can't just let it go.  Maybe because I keep preventing the parts voices from being heard, they just repeat themselves louder and louder again until we are heard.  And it never works, but we don't know what else to do because we're all of us invisible.  Voiceless.  And I read on LinkedIn how many other disability voices are silenced, but everyone...I don't hold the monopoly on being marginalized, I understand that, but what they can't understand is I've NEVER felt like I had a voice, so all I do is yell...like my mom.  I didn't have a model for anything different, and when I explained that to D he started becoming cruel.  And I didn't have anyone I could tell, and I didn't have anyone who validated me.  So I mirrored what I saw and assumed that was ok.  I never knew anything different, and that is what I can't get people to understand, why CBT doesn't work, because it's meaningless if you've never HAD that experience, all of my being told I'm an "introvert" is because I'm alone SO MUCH of the time that when I'm finally around other people, there's just so much sensory processing to take in.  And I can't really hear what people are saying, so I'm always saying "what?" it takes me a minute to process - but I'm not used to conversation in real time and I'm not sure how they work...not like I'm autistic, but because I literally don't know how to have a successful conversation with anyone, and feel like I have to do all of the work. No one asks me anything about myself, or I'm terrified that if they do I'm going to say something that makes things awkward, all I know how to do right now is process my trauma and panic about keeping the voices quiet when other people are around, but it doesn't work if I let down my guard, but how can I not when they all want to be heard so much? Only...that's Drama, who needs to say things so I understand what she's been trying to say. 

Which is what I told D, over and over.  You NEED to acknowledge what I'm saying, because I say it again and again and again and louder until you pay attention, so he ignored me.  Purposefully and intentionally over and over again until I hurt myself to make it stop. 

And Drama needs to tell that story.  My Crazy needs to scream about what's wrong over and over again until someone sees...As soon as you attend, repeat back to me what I'm saying to you - or I'm going to loop, I'm going to be stuck in the loop where things get worse and worse and worse because I feel like I'm drowning when you ignore me.  Why can't you see me, why can't you hear me, all the nightmares I had for years of her just...not...noticing ME.  And so the story I told myself was that it was because I was a disappointment.  But I never *tried* to be what she wanted, I was just disappointed she couldn't see me.  Love me for who I actually was, that I just became whatever anyone wanted me to be without becoming a person. I just did what everyone told me because no one ever told me I could think for myself, because I never knew what to do.  There are so many things I just can't figure out, part of the issue is there are just things I don't have the aptitude for, and it pisses me off when people say that's "learned helplessness"

[Eireanne]

Armee, thank you so much, I will give you a more thought out response when I am not in the middle of processing other stuff, but your words mean a lot to me and are appreciated.


I decided to switch gears and focus on me, and the things I have wanted to get done.  Part of that is listening to videos, presentations and the like and try to better understand, but not just to passively listen, but to take notes.  And as we (my parts) all listen to these things, we have thoughts, and mostly recognize that we try to fit our lived experience into the scenarios suggested, but they don't quite fit, and that leads us to doubt our experiences...so I want to disregard what I'm hearing instead of listening and then reframing it so it DOES benefit me. Which means I wasted an hour that I was passively listening and not taking notes, because I already take too many notes and then copy/paste notes from one place to another, and then transcribe them to different journals and I feel like I'm just making busy work for myself instead of focusing on what's important?  So I'm on the fence.  But I'll give it another try...

[Eireanne]

Healing the Inner Child: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Strategies to Address Trauma and Abandonment

...if the child doesn't act the way the  caregiver wants the caregiver may storm out of the house or emotionally withdraw and give the child the cold shoulder and not talk to them for two or three days years.

My therapist already has themes we are working on, so I don't want to "waste time" cataloguing all the different ways I feel shame, embarrassment, self-conscious, abandonment, etc.

There's a recurring theme, that any time something is important to me, I don't get to do it.  The hot sauce festival keeps coming to mind. I keep thinking, what if K texts me out of the blue and says we are going, do I go and not mention the fact how crushed I am he hasn't even spoken to me in 7 months? My mom used to say stuff like, "cut off your nose to spite your face".  Or that I just want to wallow and sit home for attention, rather than go out when given the opportunity, but the fact is, he's not calling, he's NOT saying, "hey, I didn't forget, I knew this was important to you" the fact that no one is, and no one does is what I grieve.  And I read today about spiritual bypassing and realized that's what I've been doing, so good for me.

Caregivers are responsible for helping children learn how to identify and modulate their feelings and cope with life on life's terms. We're not born with those skills and when a child comes to a caregiver and expresses their emotions and the caregiver belittles it and tells them that they're  overreacting or ignores them or makes fun of them then the child not only feels self-conscious and ashamed of their feelings but they also still don't know how to deal with these overwhelming feelings they're having.

You may have picked up those behaviors because those were the only ones you were taught, now you can learn other behaviors but it's important to recognize which default patterns you have that you learned from your family of origin.

...they didn't validate your feelings, they didn't help you figure out what do I do with this swirling ball of emotion? - you are probably left feeling very unsafe and emotionally abandoned. The question is what would you rather them have done? Envision them responding appropriately and this will give you clues about how you need to respond to yourself now (reparenting).

Which my dad tried to do once, my mom never did.

...they may have had to take on the role of the parent as well as the child because the parent was not meeting their emotional needs. The parent was not meeting their needs for love so they had to take on both relationships just to try to survive, because they were basically living in isolation even though they were living in a house with other people.

The next part of the video brings up something I disagree with, that if they used to interact in a particular way with their primary caregiver they may take that way of interacting and project it on their significant other - but I just go back to what I said earlier, "picked up those behaviors because those were the only ones you were taught" I literally don't understand what other choice there is to make how to do things outside of my own experience.  It's all just learned behavior.  I ask for help ALL THE TIME - show me how to do this, model this behavior for me, let me understand by watching you so I can mirror your behavior, but when I do, it comes out wrong.  And I get eliminated, again. 

...if the child never experienced security, unconditional love, validation, acceptance, then yeah, they're probably going to have difficulty looking at themselves and going, "I'm all that & a bag of chips and who wouldn't want to be with me?" They may have difficulty with emotional regulation - we are not born with that skill. In order to regulate our emotions we have to

1.Be able to define them, identify them, when we feel them

2. Be able to down regulate to get out of that default fight or flight mode and

3. Be able to develop skills or have skills to deal with  those situations once we're in our wise mind.

A four-year-old doesn't have that, we learn that by interacting with our parents. We learn that when we are at the playground and somebody's mean to us and we run to our caregiver and they help us calm down and help us figure out what to do, you know that is part of that secure relationship that is part of that learning process.

...when the child notices stimuli that are similar to or reminiscent of prior threatening experiences it triggers that fight or fleafawning response again and the person starts reacting in their emotional mind based on that old schema - it's the brain's way of going, "I've been here before I know what to do."

Here's the part that bothers me again:

Many people with a wounded inner child have very similar core issues -
1. they need to be in control I do not, but any time I ask for autonomy, or can something be done the way I ask it please, I am told I'm "too controlling and I just have to let it go"

So here's a story - after a year of asking, I finally convinced K to come over with A and help me with some things around the house that was making me embarrassed to have people over, so they came and did some things on my list.  One of the things is hanging a tapestry behind my bed.  People think, EA, why can't you just do that yourself? Why are you so dependent? Why can't you just hire someone if you need help? Etc. Right? So they are here and they are doing the thing and AS we are hanging it, I keep repeating, NOW do you see why I couldn't do these things myself???  But they hung the tapestry WRONG, and I told them, it's vertical, I needed it horizontal, and K is trying to convince me why the way it is is better (AKA I don't want to put in the energy to fix this mistake, learn to live with this) so I let it go, but every day it bothers me that it's hung sideways, and I'm too short to fix it myself, and I literally have no one else to ask, because all my friends live inside my computer now.  Sigh.  But I guess that's me, being "too controlling".  Add that to the list of labels we like to get called /sarcasm

Inability to trust If anything, I'm too trusting. Every time I make a friend I trust they aren't going to hurt me, they aren't going to abandon me.  I trust people when they say, "you are family" and "this is a safe space" and "this woman is going to advocate for you" and "of course we are friends!" Maybe if I stopped trusting people it would hurt less and I wouldn't have all this loss to grieve?

over responsibility and perfectionism People tell me I'm too hard on myself.  I make mistakes all the time.  I am not perfect, but I am hypervigilant because I know what happens when you slip up one time.  The friend stops speaking to you because you ask if she can just have a verbal conversation instead of long walls of text I can't process.  You get your job eliminated. You become invisible.  I can't afford NOT to be hard on myself, I have no discipline, I can't get anything done and there's no one to hold me accountable anyway, and now I can finally rest and heal.

High tolerance for inappropriate behavior, sometimes called enabling Um, no - not to my knowledge do I enable people. I mean, do I look the other way when they make life choices I don't particularly agree with?  It's not my circus, not my monkeys.  Do I refrain from pointing out when they are inconsistent with their word and deed? Who isn't? Most everyone lies to themselves, I don't think it's enabling to point out things people should be aware of, thinking if you know better, you should do better - but that's not enabling.

Neglecting their own needs - yes. I have no idea how to have autonomy or have my boundaries respected, or how to speak up for myself without everything going completely and horribly bad.  I HAVE to put everyone else's needs first or I lose them.  As soon as I have a need, and I ask for it, that person doesn't want to be my friend.  It's better for everyone not to have needs.

I get frustrated and defensive when the suggestions stop and no one ever gets to MY lived experience and then I feel unheard and invisible. All the voices of "you probably have these, you just aren't self aware" "you need to work on yourself more" "you aren't trying hard enough" "you're too hard on yourself" "stop being so negative"

other core issues are the direct result of feeling unsafe and that can be fear of abandonment (I don't have fear of abandonment, I just have actual abandonment) low self-esteem (how do you develop self esteem if everyone has rejected and abandoned you your whole life?) grief (yep, got that one!) emotion dysregulation (pretty sure my emotions are super valid) and depression and anxiety (nope, but thanks for playing!)

LOL @ fear of abandonment, that's right up there with "self" isolating. 

Help your inner child feel validated and safe and  notice the word I keep saying first is validated,
even if that's not happening because you see the pattern and trying to deny what you are seeing is happening is that pesky thing called "hope". that's how the child feels (because the child is super observant and understands how to see what no one else notices) so it's important to validate that. 

The first step in healing is creating safety. We cannot begin to explore those wounds until we feel safe. Which means you're going to have to feel safe with yourself that you if you feel a feeling, if that inner child starts coming out and saying I'm anxious or I'm angry, it's not going to get invalidated by adult you.

V - validate - you're feeling anxious right now

I - intimacy - help me understand why you're feeling this way

S - safety and boundaries it's important to create  safety for that child so when you start acting
in your adult self you're actually protecting that child (still gotta work on that one, me setting boundaries got me fired).

C - consistency and predictability is important
being consistently mindful of yourself not ignoring/ invalidating/ minimizing your inner child's feelings

E - encouragement and nurturing for self-efficacy
part of a secure attachment helps children learn that it's safe to go out of that comfort zone and if you fail okay you fail come back we'll figure out how to pick yourself up and try again but it is safe to go out and try new things (is it really though?) The speaker goes on to say stuff that doesn't resonate, like "learning to make better choices" - I tried EVERY way I could think of to get out of the abusive situation I was in and keep my job...this whole "you are enough" @#$ how am I supposed to come up with an idea outside of my lived experience? How am I not supposed to be "hard on myself" when making one error causes me to lose everything....what choices do I have? Which riles me up and is the opposite of validating, you did the best you could to get us out of an abusive situation, and your hypervigilance and food insecurity saved us, now we are prepared to spend the next year + in utter survival mode with no support.  You didn't know what you didn't know and THAT IS OK. 

A - authenticity to feel feelings and grieve losses

L - love unconditional love helps enhance the self-esteem of you and your inner child

What would you rather do instead? Once you figure that out, envision yourself responding in that way.

make a personal bill of rights
you have the right to your feelings
you have the right to your thoughts 
you have the right to grieve what you did not have 
you have the right to have expected certain behaviors from your caregivers (and family and friends)

[Eireanne]

Armee

There's a sort of quiet comfort in knowing my thoughts are relatable to others. I appreciate you sharing what worked for you, there's comfort in that too - discovering what works. I'm glad you've experienced little successes as well   

Appreciate you giving me some suggestions for reading other's journals...it just feels so daunting, especially when I'm unsure how someone else will interpret my words...but I'll give it a try soon

Thank you 

[Eireanne]

You are enough.

Our most natural state of being is bliss. Strip everything away that pulls you down and disregard the conditioning instilled in you from an early age. What you are left with is your most pure, beautiful self.

We are all born into this world that fully supports us and wants the best for us.

Our only real limit is ourselves. Over time, we build walls for ourselves and it takes a little work to push down what we have built, but the work must be done in order to live a limitless life.

Likes attract like; the law of attraction applies to everything. When we align ourselves, align our thoughts with our natural state (which is joy, love and abundance) it is pretty damn hard for the world not to give you just that.

I know it's challenging at times, especially when you are going through something tough and you might not be where you want to be. But trust, and know you are exactly where you are meant to be. If you can stop focusing on the lack in your life and switch your focus to the good, those limits you set for yourself will start to dissolve.

When we mirror what we desire, by thinking, feeling and believing that what we want is already ours, alignment begins and energy shifts. Things fall into place. Joy and inspiration explodes out of you, and life can come with ease.

[Eireanne]

Some Grief...

While I'm leaning closer to focusing more on the window that is open than the door that is closed, I still keep looking at the door that is closed because we need validation, in saying what IS, instead of focusing on the gratitude...because maybe in naming what is, I can learn how to accept it.

My friend K - occasionally, we (separately) watch an episode of a tv show once a week, and maybe we will text each other a thought or two during the episode.  We catch up by text, with primarily me initiating it, and occasionally we talk on the phone because she is the closest thing I have to a "mom". 

C - I say is my best friend. She's my other half.  We share a brain.  Our texts are limited to me texting her the time and temperature.  Which is the only thing I do on my phone.  I watch the weather app.  Sometimes I set timers.  I definitely don't "doomscroll" - that's what my laptop is for, and I use YouTube Shorts as a distraction.  I recognize it as a distraction and I allow myself that. 

A - has honestly shown up for me consistently, but she is also trauma informed and truly understands how to hold space for people, she's taught me a lot and really been there for me. 

C, J, S...see, my brain doesn't only want to focus on the negative - it wants facts.  These are facts too and I'm so happy for them, and for this forum, but back to grieving, lol

K - I didn't recognize how often I was just...there and not really - I kept giving you the excuse that you were dealing with your own things, and I really honestly thought some time just the two of us would be so good for us both, but you haven't talked to me in 7 months and that hurt.  In thinking about our friendship, I honestly think it never got back to what it was before A pulled that @#% she did...it broke our family apart, and I was just living the illusion that I was still part of the family...because you were my only family here. 

N - I thought you included me in your family, but you didn't, not really, not when it comes down to it.  I tried but you are just the queen of grand gestures, not showing up for me when I needed, and asked for help.

R - you're just a liar.  You too M. and N. 

R - I think you are too focused on your own recovery that you don't have the space for me but also you maybe feel some sort of way in telling me she'd advocate for me and I could trust her...or maybe you side with her and now the extent of our friendship is that I have Apple TV.  The last thing you said to me when I told you how isolated I was (not felt) was "I can't even imagine". 

J - you stopped talking to me 3 years ago and I still don't know why.  Thanks for the Netflix while it lasted. I'm neither friend nor family. 

R & G & L & E - I had hope and you took it from me. Hope died in the winter and has been replaced by squirrels and flowers.  Hope is like watching a movie you've seen before and hoping for a different ending.  You know it's coming, you just hold on to...wait, not yet...I'm not ready...but then it happens. Thank you for letting me know where to stop wasting my energy.   

[Eireanne]

E said I am a light in an otherwise dim company.  And I'm reading this little story about a light who can only appreciate being a light by being surrounded by dark. 

in order to experience anything at all, the exact opposite of it will appear. "It is a great gift, because without it, you could not know what anything is like. You could not know Warm without Cold, Up without Down, Fast without Slow. You could not know Left without Right, Here without There, Now without Then. And so, when you are surrounded with darkness, do not shake your fist and raise your voice and curse the darkness. Rather be a Light unto the darkness, and don't be mad about it. Then you will know Who You Really Are, and all others will know, too. Let your Light shine so that everyone will know how special you are!

I'm broken, I'm bruised, I still have a light in me that isn't appreciated by many.  People tend to fear the unfamiliar.  So my life has been harder, just like this little light. 

[Eireanne]

I just watched a youtube video that started making my chest feel tight and my throat close up.  I just had to stop.  I tried leaning into it, but it was agitating me so I closed it.  I made it maybe 5 minutes into a 17 minute video...the first few minutes because it was just the promotional aspect of any influencer (I glaze over during those parts, and have trouble noticing when the content gets relevant).  The topic was The Dismissive Avoidant's Idea of a Healthy Relationship - with the implication that D was the dismissive avoidant, and I was "trying to learn his attachment style so I could adapt my own to his".  So I'm listening, and it's literally everything I asked him for, the way I asked him for it.  So I started reframing it and saying, ok, think of it as a check list, you are the dismissive avoidant.  She says, "this is what makes the DA feel  good and healthy and connected....1. attunement.  2. validate and be supportive of their interests 3. Don't be dismissive 4. Make them feel understood without criticizing them. 5. Give them autonomy 6. Doing their part to help out around the house 7. Be interested in their lives

She goes on to say, "Show you care to show up for them in their life and that you understand some of their needs and hold space for them, specifically as it relates to autonomy" And this is where I start to feel what prompted me to write this down...because the next bit is where I cut it off and I'm so glad I did.  She says, "they are great partners when you are clearly and explicitly stating your needs consistently. This doesn't mean once, this means over time you keep telling them specifically what it is that you're needing and over time these individuals...OVER TIME? Try 6 years!

I'm thankful for this video, because it taught me what I needed to do to fawn correctly to keep him pacified enough while I still needed to live with him...All the C-PTSD talks about the stuff you had to do when you were a child, because you were dependent on your caregiver...there is no "but now you're an adult and can think with your wise mind" for me...it was the same survival mode I needed to get away from D and the same thing I was doing at work for the past 3 years to put up with L...this is literally the first time in my life I am completely abuse free.  Since I was 8.  I do not know what thriving is.  I need to experience it and I can't settle for another job that I just need to survive, because I need to survive.  I can't even think about work right now.  I'm not in a place where I should be going back to work, I need to go through this first, and it sucks and it's * that I need to do it in isolation, because it reverts me to the parts that have also been in isolation, so they are layered over what I would otherwise be appreciating more fully.  Which is frustrating, but I'm low on spoons today, so what better use of my time?

[Eireanne]

M was not the friend I needed her to be.  When she had a themed party, she told me I could wear whatever I wanted.  I didn't understand the assignment, and if she was a good friend, she would have explained the assignment to me instead of encouraging me to be authentically me, she could have attuned to my need to belong.  That's why I wore the E when she was wearing the W so we'd match and I could belong, except I didn't.  And you furthered it by triggering my body dysmorphia constantly.  Not validating it or me. Not really seeing me.  Seeing what you wanted to see, and definitely not showing up when I needed you to.  I really don't like being condescended to and I really don't like being used for pet sitting services.  I needed belonging and I needed more open communication, but you have your own issues you need to work through and don't have the capacity for me, so I don't need to waste my energy on you.  I can still grieve that I lost someone that could explain things to me in a way that made sense so I could get unstuck faster, but I didn't thrive around you.  You were too busy giving me your interpretation of what I was asking for.