Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

Still have a lot more to do before I can re-read/respond to posts - but thank you to all those that are providing feedback, it is much needed right now.

Probably TRIGGER WARNING because? 

Today is a complicated day where "two things are true" at the same time.  More than two. I have chronic isolation.  I am not ISOLATING MYSELF.  I wish people could understand this.  Loneliness. There are YouTube things on it, saying how bad loneliness is for mental and physical health.  The thing is, I do not have an equivalent relationship with anyone, and I can't seem to get the people in my life to realize the importance of having a conversation is to me right now. 

I have oodles of unprocessed trauma and recognize that my brain needs conversation, not journaling to process information.  And right now, it literally uses any opportunity - literally ANYONE who will talk to me to try to process the trauma. All I know how to do right now is to talk about whatever is still unprocessed, but since it's NOT processed, all I end up doing is complaining about my triggers instead. 

Well, my biggest trigger is abandonment, rejection, not being heard.  Not being UNDERSTOOD. 

If you take a "typical" person, they have family, close intimate relationships, close friends, work friends, casual acquaintances, neighbors...people you pass on the street to say hi.  I have none of that.  I sit alone in my room, barely able to get out of bed, the slightest conflict/miscommunication makes me melt down.  Things aren't easy for me.  A lot of what goes on, I don't understand and if *I* don't understand, how can I explain it to someone else?  This world I have is all I have. 

I cannot answer questions like, "what do you do for fun?"  "what do you do for work?"  "how are you?" 

This isn't because I'm depressed, or because I don't understand gratitude.  It's because I went to each one of my "friends" and said, Hi, I'm dealing with a lot of trauma right now and I need support. Here's the ONE thing you can do to help me feel supported...and short answer is, their non-response, unwilling to give me the support I asked for (and they have the autonomy to do so, for whatever reason), they don't know how to listen to understand, they only know how to listen to fix, and to them, fixing me needs to be someone ELSE'S problem...has left me feeling rejected. 

I tried, in the best way I know how to explain to them that I am doing ALL the work of educating myself, so I can advocate for myself, but I'm EXHAUSTED, and I'm FRUSTRATED, and I'm LONELY, and I could use something else to focus on for a bit.  Just call me and tell me about your day...or ask me for help with something I can manage so I can remember how to feel useful....ANYTHING, just start up the group chat we used to have before the pandemic so I can remember HOW to have a conversation....all this is lost on them. 

I finally turned the ringer off on my phone because I was getting a pavlovian response each time it made a noise, "Does someone care?" No, it's just another spambot.  I am an observer of life, I am not a part of it.  I have no tether to this world and the problems these people have....they cannot relate to the intense desperation I feel to understand how to get connection from others, to feel I am a part of something.  This isn't new, this has been lifelong.  It's hard for me to understand how to interact, it was never modelled for me.  Everyone interprets this wrong and assumes I am autistic.  They suggest I join some sort of group to learn how to socialize. 

It's that this trauma has now taken up 100% of my life.  I do not work, I am terrified at the thought of needing to go back and face those people.  I do not have a social circle, I have about 5 people on rotation that check in with me occasionally.  In a few minutes, I need to get up and get dressed and drive out to a birthday party for one of my "friends" from this old social group.  All the others I asked for help will be there. 

People that don't get it will just say, oh well, then what a great opportunity!!  You say you are isolated, here's a chance to be near people!!!! Only, I do not know these people at this party.  The ones I do know have left me with unresolved feelings of rejection.  I have absolutely NOTHING to talk about, as even talking about isolation is lost on these people who have never known true loneliness.  Even Anne Frank had other people around for distraction if nothing else.

I keep telling them, I just can't anymore, I need....the smallest gesture...and their idea of support is to text me and say "hope you're having a good day" and send me pictures of the "before" times, so I can grieve for a life I'll never have again. 

So now, I need to get up, with my open wounds, feelings of rejection, inability to even remember how to have a "normal" conversation and spend 8 hours in a place I do not want to be, where I will feel wildly uncomfortable and have to mask just to get through it...and be around people that are supposed to be my friends...so on top of everything else, I have to walk on eggshells because the slightest misstep means I lose them.  And you'd say, well what's the big deal of losing people that aren't actually even good friends to you when you need them?  Well, 1. It's not their fault they don't get it, I didn't even get it, and doctors definitely don't get it, so I can't blame them. (doesn't change how it makes me feel though) 2. I can't handle losing even more right now, I've already lost so much...the closest thing to an intimate relationship right now is this journal, a compassionate meditation group I join once a week and an online community full of empathetic people that understand active listening. 

I feel like I'm in solitary confinement.  I've been locked away in stasis for years, and I'm let out, blinking at how harsh everything is and I'm now expected to make small talk.  I want to vomit. 

[sanmagic7]

EA, that is one thing many of us have found as we go thru c-ptsd country - most people don't understand, don't know how to listen to us, don't know what to do about or for us, and we are left alone, again.  it's frustrating to say the least.  just know you're not alone w/ this.  my greatest source of friendship is here on this forum - i know people here 'get it', can support me in the ways i need (i do miss real hugs, tho), and validate my thoughts and beliefs.

hang tough, EA - we're hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

I resonate with your posts.  I relate especially to loneliness.  I hope your social event went as smooth as possible.

[Eireanne]

Can we all safely assume there's a Trigger Warning on every one of my posts since many of you say they are reminded of how they have felt? I really appreciate having a sounding board for everything I need to get out right now, I'm doing the best I can, it's just too hard. 


I tried to explain to these friends that I have a disability that there is no "correct" research out there for yet, I don't need your help researching it, I've already DONE the research (it's exhausting) in fact, I have been doing this to the exclusion of everything else, my life has now become this trauma and I have literally no distractions from this.  I get no phone calls, no texts, unless it's a spambot to the point I've had to turn off my ringer, because I have this pathetic hope that the phone will ring and it'll be for me....someone actually wants to talk to me.  and see this is how all the trauma comes up.  I keep telling my friends, look, I'm chronically isolated right now, I REALLY need you to understand what that means, here, read an article about it, because I really need you to understand that what is happening to me is real, my brain cannot distinguish between psychological danger and real danger, it's all the same and my brain has been hypervigilant for SOOOO long that it's DONE, and now I can't like...cognitive impairment?  Here's where things start to break down, because I don't have the words and I start to panic, and they just see I'm either anxious or angry that I can't think of the word...because that in itself is a trauma that I'm going to have Alzheimer's, and no, not in a "I have an irrational thought" but in the literal, both my grandfather and my mother have it, and I had to take care of my grandfather when I put myself through college - so I literally have been feeling chronically isolated....my entire life.  I've NEVER felt like I belonged, like I had a tribe, or a family or someone to have such an intimate relationship with that I could like....have autonomy and set boundaries, and have the feeling I can be an actual person....all I ever feel is rejection, and a feeling of being othered, so when I go to a party and I literally haven't had a conversation with another human being that wasn't DIRECTLY about my trauma...I have NO way of contributing to the conversation.  I can't think about who to vote for, or how to pay my taxes, or how to get out of bed, and you want me to remember how to fit in with the rest of the world?

Oh, and so then we're sitting there, and the entire time she KNOWS I tell them, I really miss us talking to each other every day, we used to be really close, I really need that right now, and it works for a day and a half, but they haven't talked to me since Sunday....so they are probably both patting themselves on the back that they are being good friends to me by checking in and asking if I've had a good day...grrrr

So she starts telling all these stories I no nothing about, she says, Oh, you've seen the pictures of my daughter going to her 8th grade dance...I didn't even know she had a boyfriend, I literally haven't connected with them in 4 years. I explained to them how hard it was for me, they had each other, and like a bubble of 18 people....I had a bubble of me and my abusive ex boyfriend that was actively gaslighting me and making me fear for my life every day while I worked this job that was causing more trauma...and I survived ALL of it, but I'm really affected by it and having a really hard time working through everything and couldn't understand WHY (because I was not consciously aware that my current work situation is also causing me trauma, because it's just the same lack of autonomy, being able to set boundaries, being able to speak up for myself and get what I need so I can get out of survival mode, so I can stop feeling this isolated, my friends can't understand how PAINFUL it is for me that my phone did not get one notification ALL day.  and yesterday was just one person, and I am pretty sure she is assuming I'm autistic and that's why I have communication problems....I can't get anyone to understand this is TRAUMA and I have trauma brain and I can't do anything right now and I need help.  And you know what my friend says? Sounds like you need an advocate....

Which is literally the FIRST thing I told her when I contacted her. I said, I really need you to put on your mom hat or put on your advocate hat becuase I REAALLY need your help right now....and the advice she gave me was to find an advocate *facepalm* 

Why can't I communicate so people will want to understand?

Fine, she doesn't have the capacity to help me advocate for myself, great, I found other people that are more willing to let me vent when I need to get something out and a sounding board, and people with empathy and compassion for what I am dealing with, I am not asking you to deal with it, I'm literally asking you to help me advocate for myself because I am too exhausted to keep doing this alone and I need support and you are the CLOSEST thing I have to family, I'm SORRY that you see me more as the, Hey let's catch up every few months, hope all is well friends!!  We USED to talk every day, and I don't have anything to replace that so I've just had a gaping HOLE where you've had "too busy to remember I'm dealing with TRAUMA, my god I'm so angry I want to burst into tears.  I can't get ANYONE to understand this, I get, "sounds like you really need someone to talk to"

Is that ironic? I'm exhausted.  I managed to get through this stupid party with friendships intact, and "surprise" ended up telling to strangers all about my trauma at work and they were both yeah, valid...you should probably get working on your resumé you need to get out of there...and I'm like, re: see above - raw open wounds and inability to brain. 

So the trauma of my chronic isolation is being triggered by my phone not ringing and no one texting/emailing me....ever.  I tell my friends this. bottom line it means i need you to call and talk to me more often, sitting at the pool with you while you tell me a years worth of updates while I'm telling you I feel so alone because we never talk anymore, can we talk more often....and I can't make it make sense, why it's upsetting to be told a bunch of things like, "oh you already knew this right?" is the same trigger that the abusive boyfriend would do, because we never talked, ever.  He talked to them more than he talked to me, and the only time he WOULD talk to me was when we were all together, so suddenly I would find out all these things, like oh, you changed the speed of our internet and now I have to pay $40 more a month? When were you going to let me know that? Why would you do something like that and not run it by me first, I thought we were supposed to be partners, why are you acting like I'm being irrational? I don't understand why we don't TALK...I spent so much time just looking at the back of his head, he was always on his computer, and the last year we were together, he would have conversations with other women. So yeah, sitting at a pool while you tell me a bunch of things and then I realize, these aren't my friends anymore....they don't make me feel...valued? I don't know...maybe I'm just overreacting and being too sensitive?

So it's like over and over, the situation is triggering the trauma but the situation is still hurting me in and of itself, but the trauma is woven into everything...because I have birthday trauma.  and here's where the trauma of my "friend" saying, "not everything is trauma" because for me, it is.  Birthday parties are hard for me.  I have to be happy for other people while I sit home alone on mine.  My own mother would forget it was my birthday.  Her excuse was, "well I knew what day it was, I just didn't realize it was that day" Which, I now get...because for me every day blends into one another and I never know what day of the week it is anymore, I just do the same thing every day, wake up, do something trauma related, go to sleep.  None of my coworkers, save one even talk to me.  Most of them are gossiping about me, the other half can't understand why I'm making such a big deal of working for a difficult woman (think Devil Wears Prada - I've never seen it, but everyone tells me that's what's going on) but they can't understand why I can't get out of bed because of it.  And my friends can't understand why I'm not just talking to a therapist, because they used Better Help and it really helped them with their divorce!

And then there's all those feelings of, if you weren't so sensitive, you would bounce back, and yes, breakups are hard, it makes sense you're not over him yet. Or whatever.  I bet they all still have a group chat with him, because he just drops fun pictures in the chat and makes jokes.  He's Fun.  I really need to sort it all out because there's a clear list of "trauma" "triggers" "current situation" overlaps and the situation, the bottom line is, to ME, friends show up for other friends, and when a friend is in really desperate help you stop and say, "what can I do to help" and I SAY, you can TALK TO ME MORE OFTEN...and they can't seem to do that...then they aren't the friends I need.  They haven't been the friends I needed for the past 4 years.  They think they have because they let me spend labor day weekend in their backyard during covid so I could get away from my abuser (that they are still friends with).  They show up and help me when I need to move.  They let me invite myself over for Thanksgiving so I can pretend I have family for a few hours.  And to me, they were family...because I have no family of my own, so they were my surrogates, and bottom line is, I see my friend being such a strong advocate for HER family, I wanted her to do the same for me, and she's basically telling me, no, I am not that friend for you, I can listen, and be sympathetic, but I do don't have the capacity to take you on, which is basically telling me I'm a burden, and I was wrong to not keep myself small and make our friendship about them...because to be for me at all is selfish. 

Ok that was a lot....

[Armee]

Hi Eerie Anne,

I really feel for you. This is a massively difficult stage to be in. I actually thought of you yesterday. When my trauma gets pulled up front and center I forget things a lot, like I'll just walk away from filling a pot with water and leave the water running until I return to the kitchen and realize oh yeah I was filling a pot with water! Or more dangerously I walk away from cooking something and completely forget I was cooking.

Yesterday this happened and set off all the smoke detectors. They were screaming so loudly that I could not think straight about how to get them to stop. My heart was racing just from the terrifying sound. In order to turn them off I had to stand right under one and hold a button for 15 long seconds and endure the sound up close. Once I managed to calm down enough to figure out i needed to do that. Which took an embarrassingly long time.

It's like right now you have all the fire alarms blaring. It is deafening and massively overwhelming and you can't possibly figure out how to make it stop while the sound is putting you on high alert. But still you need to find a way to turn off the alarms. You won't be able to heal or get the help from friends you need until those darn alarms at least turn the volume down.

How do you do it? It's hard. Really really hard and takes time and commitment. You have to want it to work to have any hope of it working.

Finding anything that makes you feel a little calm is a huge step. I understand where you are right now and almost everything is probably a trigger. Me too. I went through that, about 3 years ago. Build your way up. Try online breathing exercises. If they are too much, do it once then stop. Then go back to it and do it one more time. Then stop. Same thing with maybe some gentle meditation like yoga nidra. Same thing with walking or spending time outside.

We need to train our fire alarms that it's OK. At first everything is a trigger and makes us more anxious or dissociated. Then you do a little at a time until the tiniest bit of something is no longer terrifying. Then do a little more. Do the 54321 grounding exercises and see if they help (look it up online for instructions). Help your brain differentiate the present from the past (or home or friends from work given that present is traumatic too). Tell your brain how you know you are factually safe and how it is different from when you haven't been safe. I know this is triggering at first.

You have to stand there and hold the alarm button to ultimately make it stop blaring. It is uncomfortable. Be brave and take tiny steps, but take them. Then return to your safe space. Then do it again. You can't solve the bigger problems while that alarm is blaring. We have all been in this stage. We know it is not easy. We know it doesn't work for us in the same way or with the same ease as it does for people without complex trauma. But over time it does work.

We need to train ourselves to calm down and the things we need to do to calm down are triggering. Such a catch 22 that's why you need to teach your nervous system those calming things are not dangerous. This isn't your fault. It happens to us all. Breathe they'd tell me. I can't, it is literally a trigger. So I'd do it for half a second. Then a second. Then 2 and so on until breathing in the present was no longer a horrible trigger. So find something that might have the potential to be calming and start practicing.

Given the connection between your abuser and your friends, perhaps those relationships might not feel safe for a long time,

Hugs if they feel safe.

[Eireanne]

TW/CW as a deeper dive to my feels today...

I think the point is, I need an intermediate step between my inability to get through this bit alone, to the point where I have an official "advocate" a safe space where I can actually get everything out and then sort it out, but it's complicated and messy and I've never had the tools - I didn't get my core emotional needs met to build the foundation necessary to my development.  I don't have a sense of belonging so I can develop a sense that I matter, comfort when I become dysregulated, social engagement so I can understand how to navigate my own issues without feeling like a burden to others for having needs, understanding about my lived experience (so they can stop assuming and *get* why things are hard for me, encouragement while I work through my problems, hopefulness that life can be more than survival mode, resilience to learn emotional regulation.

When I go to my friends and say, I see you providing this to your loved ones, can you please help me work through what I'm going with...not as a therapist, but maybe just talk to me more often and share your life with me so I can feel that sense of belonging, so I can learn how you work through your own issues and I can use that as a model for my own....I'm so good at (here's where words fail me) like deciding for other people how much of ME they can take on...that sense that I have to protect people from ALL of me, there are floodgates held in place because there are so many raw, open wounds that I'm working on healing...

So I say only the fraction that I think will resonate with them, to get them to see, it's not all my issues dumped on you, but hey, if you can help alleviate the sense of isolation, I can be better able to FOCUS on getting my other needs met elsewhere.  And....I don't know, I'm just not able to express that to them in a way where they get it,  I get lost in my need...How do I explain to them how much it hurts when they are 15 minutes from my house and they don't give me a call and say, "hey, we are in your neighborhood, do you need a quick hug?" They don't think of me like that....no one does.  And it's scary and lonely to know I get more empathy from people that do not have the context of knowing me for the past almost 10 years - because to them, being a friend means showing up to help me move, or having the occasional phone call or IM to briefly connect before they go back to their own lives.  So there's not that sense of getting my need met, and I can't FORCE people to want to chat with me every day because we used to be a part of each others lives on a daily basis many years ago. 

Like, to them it was a supplement to an already full life, but to me it was my entire life, so when it went away, it left this hole...and so I resign myself to keep being what I need to myself, I've done it my entire life...but it doesn't make it fair, or right and it doesn't make me want to continue being friends with them.  Which dwindles the count of actual real life friends even further...and then I wonder, what is wrong with me that I am so broken that no one wants to be that person for me and never has, not even my own family?

[sanmagic7]

hi, EA, i agree w/ armee that you seem to be overloaded w/ all this crapola through which you're attempting to navigate.  keep spitting it out.  it's landing where it belongs.

i don't believe any of us are broken, but wounded.  our wounds run deep and their tentacles are far-reaching.  you are accepted here, you are welcome to vomit all the poison that you've been holding onto for so long.  we're still here.  love and 

[Mandox]

Hello Eerie,

I'm new on this site.  I hope you're okay with me posting.  I've been reading some of your posts, and I'm not expecting you to respond to me, which is fine of course and I'm sorry if I'm way out of date.  I just wanted to share that also I suffer also from thoughts slipping away from me.  Even writing this, I am having to keep thinking back to what I wanted to say.  I have a theory about my brain being stuck in amygdala highjack most of the time, or for so much of the time that basic cognitive pathways of logical thinking are messed up, get blocked and don't function well.  Sometimes through stress, part of the brain just shuts down. I thought I might have ADHD or something (I don't rule this out) but think it's more likely the former.  I hope you find more peace and calmness soon.  I'm sure it will come.  Don't be too hard on yourself.

[Eireanne]

I didn't have a mom.  I had a woman that was too wrapped up in her own generational trauma, coupled with an illness that left her poked, prodded, and treated like a guinea pig by every doctor, treatments that created other conditions...which is why the label of having "narcissistic abusive parents" never really fit with me.  I realize now, like JUST now (because I just finished reading something that gave me the words!) is I have dialectal thinking.  Like, always.  This is why I was such a good mediator for my parents and had to automatically assume the role of caregiver, since I was eight is what I always say, but I realize now it was always there...that's what triggers all those recurring nightmares I had, and why I'm still afraid of being in the dark. I know all this, but it's all stuck behind the chronic isolation and a body that got completely burnt out by running on empty for so long.  I subconsciously understood what I needed the entire time, it's what I've said in every work documentation - I was being consistently penalized at work for looking for ways to stave off feelings of isolation, because I've always had them...and no matter how many times I tell people I'm LONELY, and how much EASIER it would be for me to process my trauma if I had someone to talk to, all they hear is "I think you're my therapist and I want to talk to you about all the skeletons in my closet...or whatever it is people assume, I don't understand.  What is the big deal with me being able to feel heard and have my story validated when I desperately needed it?  But instead, doctors just diagnosed me with being depressed.  Which is why it was so triggering for me a few months ago, when I tried to talk to my meditation guide about these feelings of loneliness - she said I was just depressed, and reminded me of the good friends I had, told me my problem was that I didn't love myself enough, and once I wasn't depressed, I'd realize how many friends I do have!

I do know how many friends I have.  and in that moment, I realized she wasn't one of them.  I tried a different approach to describe to her what acute isolation felt like, and it wasn't depression (although I do have bouts of sadness, but it's mostly grief, which again - would be alleviated if I had someone to share it with - but I read an article and it said what type of grief that was (cognitive impairment leads to me being unable to hold WORDS in my head....which causes dysregulation.  Which if any of my friends understood, the help I'm asking from them is to talk to me more often so I can remember words, NOT to dissect my trauma....they are helping ME dissect my trauma just by talking to me....which would take my mind off the trauma once in a while!? but no...sigh. 

So I have these feelings, and I can name them all, but to do so would distract the duality of the way I process information.  My friend always tells me I'm just overthinking - but it's NOT that, it's that I literally can always see both sides of everything, that's part of the reason I can never make a decision, it's not codependent, it's that I need someone else's perspective to help balance out my own thinking....and this is a skill I have never developed on my own, which is ANOTHER thing I read....and it's all in jigsaw puzzle pieces everywhere and why everything is a land mine.  I can't trust my own thinking, because I have nothing to balance it off of, I'm in an echo chamber.  It makes the trauma deafening, and I can't seem to get anyone to understand that if I just had someone to talk to consistently (doesn't even need to be the same person, just OTHER people), it probably wouldn't make me feel this way...which is hindering my recovery.  But I can't seem to force people to have the capacity when they've fallen out of the habit of making me a part of their day.  Everyone I know moves on, they meet people, they get married, they start families, and I have to start over and over again, because couples don't want to be friends with the girl that has no friends.  Or they do out of pity, but not because they really care.  Which isn't true, but then again, how can it not be when I ask for specifically what I need and the other person says, absolutely, that can be a thing we do! And then we never do it.  People don't understand how the let down for me is so excruciating.

My mom never allowed me any autonomy.  She never told me what was happening, me who craves context and needs it to make sense of the world.  I was always pushed around like a ball in a pinball machine. Just going through the motions but not really rooted to anything.  And the dialectal thinking is, so what? So does every kid in the foster system, so does every kid that never had a mom either, you actually HAD a mom, and you didn't live in poverty, even though you were made to feel like you were* and you always had food on the table, and blah blah blah - I know this, because any time I tried to explain I had needs to my mom, she reminded me of how lucky I was...except she never filled any of my c-ptsd needs - the foundational ones.  So to this day, I crave a mom, I want that, the person that teaches you how to adult...but my parents....never had those skills.  They didn't know what they didn't know and they had their own problems, so they....yeah.  More trauma brain fun. 

People that saw how I was treated in my family understand (the way they can) the dynamics of my home life.  They remind me that I've done an amazing job taking care of myself as long as I have.  They know how hard it's been for me.  They understand the bitterness I feel that I probably would have more life skills if someone would just be kind enough to me to understand I don't have them, and allow me to learn from them.  (you know, a mom).  I try to be that for myself...but...um, it's mostly like the blind leading the blind, so it takes me FOREVER to figure stuff out.  I just can't do it anymore.  And my friends mis-hear me all the time, they focus on the thing I'm saying and not the thing I'm NOT saying, because I know they aren't my therapist and I'm not trying to tell them about my trauma....so I've shielded EVERYONE from it. Like I have been my entire life.  So I've never actually been able to tell anyone....ever.   No one I've met has ever had the capacity to hear and check for understanding, it feels like a heavy stone on my chest that I need someone to help me carry, just for a little while, until I can get back on my feet, but I can't seem to get that from anyone.  So I fragment myself, and that's also something I've always done.  I just didn't have the words for it.  And it's so calming for me to have the words, that if more people would just talk to me, I would have more words myself. 

[Eireanne]

Some more things I need to process and sort out....

When I wrote the piece about the abusive relationship I got out of, I was asked, don't I feel empowered? Of course not? How could I...I still wasn't even free of the abuse, I was living it every day, I couldn't stop equating the way my manager talked at me with how my ex talked to me, with how my mom talked to me, I have spent my entire life being talked to like that. 

Why be with people I don't like? Because some times I didn't have a choice.  Even now.  Beggars can't be choosers.  I had to put up with what I was given.  I feel like I'm going to grow up bitter and alone because I can't sort my @#% out and life has been passing me by, so yes, I have a right to be angry because you keep taking that away from me. 

Everything I heard I took the wrong way, because it was the only way I could see, I keep feeling like I'm losing my mind like there are all these things that are true at the same time, and you said yes, that IS a possible thing, so I got all stuck on what is it CALLED, what is a neutral term for how I can refer to her so I don't sound like an abuse victim, I am not comfortable with victim language but I never learned another way to say it, and I am told, "you sound like a victim" I recognized it, but I didn't have the TOOL.

I would feel so selfish and ask, when can it be MY turn, why do I always have to be the caregiver? I've been doing it since I was EIGHT, I'm exhausted!!!!! And see, all this sound like anger, but it never is, it's always fear. Fear to take up space, fear to say anything for FEAR I'll lose a friend and then I do it anyway, what is wrong with you?? Why do you keep doing this to us!? And any anger I feel is self directed.  Even as I recognize I am hurting myself, I can't stop, NOT Because I like hurting myself but because I didn't have the tool to make it stop, I didn't have the words, and I HURT SO BAD, all the time and I needed a mom, I saw X as a mom and I couldn't dare even approach her because I had NO RIGHT to dare suggest my grief was ANYTHING compared to hers, and I was so Dayenu all of it, every one I met has never gotten to meet ME.  And I said that too, I've been saying everything but it's been her that's been saying it so it comes out wrong, and no, I don't mean wrong, I mean that's why I say I'm neurodivergent, because it's been her voice, I never learned another way to talk, I didn't have the words, and how could I possibly get the words when I only had myself to talk to???

It distracts me you might get hung up on what I meant by that and I spend so much time trying to find the word for trauma brain that it actually triggers my trauma, which actually triggers my trauma - and I call THAT my trauma loop. so now I've got two things to be anxious about while I'm trying to just keep my train of thought...and I realize I can't text (or whatever this is called - see, a third word I can't think of that I get caught up on.

"...extremely talented at making others believe that everything they do is in the child's best interest."

And so what happens at work, this woman I support refuses to give me the necessary context I need to do a task, which sounds like "trauma brain" but the article says Autism, and I KNOW it's not that, I know it's trauma brain, but I don't know what trauma brain is called, and (see here's where I start getting distracted by my typos...and realize, I need to SAY this to someone, but who? And in the chat we had, you both suggested language I could use <- see, it took me that long to explain to myself that I realize I have now COMPLETELY overshared with you (embarrassed) but even worse, I realize, I've gotten ahead of myself, I can't remember if I've already told you something, and then I start re-reading what I've written, and I am relieved I can continue, because I reminded myself this was a safe space, the re-reading, the sensations of insecurity and embarrassment feel like waves of shame over my childhood, I realize I'm not making sense, I realize it's trauma brain, it's adrenaline, it's I understand it on every level, but it only happens when my trauma is triggered, everything makes sense, it feels like I'm in the eye of the hurricane, I worry about the typos, I worry about not having enough context to understand her next ask (anxiety) I recognize everything, I separate it all out and everything makes perfect sense...but sounds like the ramblings of a crazy person, because the speaking my truth (explaining it to myself) and since I barely can get any of my "friends" to answer a text, let alone talk to me on the phone (feelings of loneliness start coming up, but again too many feels (I start naming them again, I somehow think it's super important, and then I start feeling all of them, because I now have a word for that, the type of empath that gets burnt out, my C-PTSD triggers my "trauma brain" that my doing the work I've been doing to advocate for myself has given me the language for...but when the "something" could be any number of things, but primarily the interactions with the woman I support at work, I can't just keep trying to sort out my thoughts in isolation, but like....if I can't get any one to even understand what I'm talking about when I SOUND like I'm crazy - I know I'm not, I am literally telling these people at work, I have PTSD, she is triggering it, what is the protocol for getting the accommodations I need at work, so I can stop being triggered by her - *I* was talking all this responsibility for it - I realize now, I'm oversharing, and in the "writing" even to YOU my "trauma brain" has taken over again, but I realize...hey, it's just my inner child, needing to be heard....I realize she's not getting her needs met.  Only....the only way she can get her needs met is to talk to another human....but since I went on medical leave, everyone has stopped talking to me (I realize this sounds like "black and white" thinking and I correct myself in my head because that's what abused children do (thanks mom and dad!) hahaha see, all the feels come up, I feel them, I name them, I realize I've overshared AGAIN and I'll  cut it all from here again....

Feelings of insecurity/shame/awareness/intimacy/embarrassment/worry - everything happens too fast, but something has triggered my PTSD, I lose the ability to think and then I have a harder time processing written communication and at the same time I have a harder time explaining it in text form....I need to verbally communicate, when I try communicating in text form my inner child takes over...her major need is connection. There are VERY few people I have a connection with that I can stop the "trauma brain" from taking over, only now, I've got all these names for things, including the trauma brain (amygdala hijacking), all the things I needed to "overshare" with you, then re-read what you've written and be able to delete it before I hit send....but you can't do that in real life...and I'm pretty sure my "trauma brain" took over at a work event and my inner child may have (omgs I want to dye of shame) taken over (the awareness makes me start crying with tears of shame and relief at the same time) and because I'm either thinking/journaling/texting/typing everything everywhere all at once that I....

Here's where I stopped that particular rant/vent...thank you for the permission to word vomit here...I feel like if I can get it all out, I can then sort through it and separate it out into the different areas I need help with.  More posts a'coming. 

[Eireanne]

The Buddha and the Borderline

Someone recommended this book to me and I'm so glad they did.  There were so many relatable parts, I pulled them all out. 

To those looking from the outside, it might seem this illness took possession one day out of the blue, as signaled by some specific behavior: Kiera's cutting herself; Kiera's doing drugs; Kiera's shaving her head. But that's part of the whole problem—no one saw, knew, or understood how long I was suffering
and sick. Even my mother thinks it started later, when I went to the private school and began cutting and burning myself. But I disagree. As soon as I read the symptoms, I realize the seed was there all along, watered by pain, secrets, and inattention, and by my own desperate need for relief.  "You never had good role models. Didn't your parents stop speaking to each other when you were six? How were you supposed to learn about love? Communication? Emotional security?"

Inside all this hunger for someone else is a simple yearning for companionship, human touch, and connection. I just never know how to separate these out and proceed accordingly.

I need a certain kind of person to grow intimate with: someone who doesn't view my vulnerabilities as weaknesses; someone who can remain calm in the face of my upsets; someone whose own world and sense of self is strong enough to withstand the storms that will pass through it as I learn to trust.  the emotional experiences I'm learning to deal with in stage two are all about abandonment... There's something about the other person simply knowing and acknowledging how I feel that shifts the intensity.  Trauma, unresolved issues, core wounds—maybe it makes sense that these demons only resurface when I achieve a semblance of safety. Now that the ground is firm, my inner rifts are more accessible... Choiceless not just in those first interactions, but choiceless from then on because my need meant that anyone could reach out and I would respond. 

What if there were no support groups for people with cancer, but only for their families? And what happens when cancer patients actually sneak into in the room, like spies, to hear themselves being discussed? Imagine if none of those cancer patients talked to each other, and they didn't even know how people might recover from cancer; instead, they just sit silently in the corners, feeling their disease eating them alive. I'm desperate for a community where I don't have to feel like I'm always hiding, and where I might even be understood. I'm quite desperate for it. That could be viewed as a problem

Everyone is doing the best they can, yet everyone needs to try harder...I'm overwhelmed by their seemingly unwarranted appreciation, and also warmed, like I used to feel after downing shots of whiskey. An inner ease spreads inside me. Such is the power of acceptance and understanding from other people, the power of validation.

This is such an important word: "validation." It means recognizing someone else's feelings, behaviors, and thoughts as legitimate, no matter how problematic or dysfunctional they may appear to be. It's the opposite of "invalidation," which is a key factor in activating symptoms in those of us with the biological vulnerabilities. Allison gave me a powerful dose of validation just by recognizing that I have the disorder and understanding how difficult it was to show up at that meeting and how painful my life has been. That validation fills up a small hole inside me. I've tried doggedly to practice radical acceptance and all the other skills, but when these are self-directed, it's only a partial comfort, and I still feel like I'm living a double life, keeping the disorder in secrecy. The trainings now being offered by family organizations teach validation as one of the most critical techniques in helping someone.

We need this help from outside because we don't know how to do this for ourselves. We start with a deep deficit—a chasm, really—when it comes to understanding and being tolerant of ourselves, and that's even before we go forth to do battle with the rest of world. As soon as someone judges, criticizes, dismisses, or ignores, the cycle of pain and reactivity ramps up,
compounded by shame, remorse, and rejection. The act of validation, simply saying, "I see things from your perspective," can help short-circuit that emotional detour And this is exactly what I've been trying to teach others: not only to recognize the causes of my pain as being legitimate, but to find a way to be loving and nonjudgmental when I react in ways they can't understand. I need them to be aware and present with me in the midst of the storm, not just tell me what to do. The fact that so much of what we suffer from also isn't validated, either by our loved ones or by the culture, adds another layer to this fundamental problem. Now it appears to me that invalidation has been an ongoing theme in my life—from my adolescence, when my
behaviors and feelings were always pinned on being "difficult" and "attention seeking," to my family's continued insistence that there's nothing seriously wrong with me, I don't want to spend my entire life hiding because of an unspeakable illness. I also don't want to be so vulnerable that I leave myself open to the judgment and hatred I've seen unleashed on people with
the diagnosis.

Two seemingly opposite things can be true at the same time.

First, we're highly sensitive to emotional stimuli (meaning we experience social dynamics, the environment, and our own inner states with an acuteness similar to having exposed nerve endings). Second, we respond more intensely, and much more quickly, than other people. And third, we don't "come down" from our emotions for a long time. Once the nerves have been touched, the sensations keep peaking. Shock waves of emotion that might pass through others in minutes might keep cresting in us for hours, sometimes days. They aren't symptoms to be cured, but inherent qualities that we haven't learned to manage.

A combination of biological vulnerability and an environment that is unable to respond adequately to our special needs. She calls this the biosocial model. In one sense, it's like growing a plant. You have the seed, but you need to give it certain elements: sun, water, soil. We have the seed. But how do you grow a borderline? Her word for the environment that cultivates our disorder is "invalidating." She doesn't use the term "abuse" or even "neglect," but "invalidation" to describe how a vulnerable child's inner experiences—thoughts, emotions, sensations, and beliefs—are either disregarded, denied, erratically responded to, punished, or oversimplified by caretakers and nurturers. There is a "nonattunement" of response in the family (or school, or even culture) that ends up aggravating a basic biological vulnerability. According to Dr. Linehan (1993a), invalidating environments put a premium on controlling or hiding negative emotions.
Painful experiences are trivialized, and blame is put on the vulnerable person for not meeting the expectations of others and living by their standards.

The biosocial model describes a horrific feedback effect: Every experience of invalidation compounds the intensity and dysregulation of our emotion, and feelings of abandonment, isolation, and shame increase. Because we don't know how to manage the feelings, our behaviors grow ever more destructive and desperate, which results in more invalidation and blame. The end result is a person with all of the symptoms who has learned to expertly invalidate herself.  It's the approach to the tension between needing to be accepted and validated versus needing to be pushed into making changes. I see this with Ethan: He always recognizes my perspective and how I feel, while also showing me that there are other ways of seeing and responding. The difference between being told "There's no reason to feel that way" and "I can understand how you feel that way" is the difference between taunting a rabid squirrel and giving it a tranquilizer. Ultimately, we need to learn how to validate ourselves, but right now that's beyond me. I need others to do this for me, and as anyone with BPD knows, getting this kind of support is all but impossible.

The dialectic of exposure and protection is surfacing again, both required when outing yourself. It takes trust to go forward, and in this case I decide to trust them.  I've had the symptoms since I was quite young, and that only now am I getting the right treatment and learning how to live with it. I don't emphasize the gory details; it's the inner pain that I want people to understand—the hopelessness and shame of being who I've been and not having anyone who understands. I've grown up with an ethic, call it a part, that insists I hide my pain at all costs. As I talk, I feel this pain leaking out—not just the core symptoms, but all the years of being blamed or ignored for my condition, and all the years I've blamed others for how I am. It's the pain of being told I was too needy even as I could never get the help I needed. When my eyes start to tear up, I see that the eyes of the crowd reflect mine. That's a mirror I've never looked into because I've been so isolated and ashamed.

I try to stick to the acceptable script. Indeed, I discover that the less I say, the happier everyone seems to be with me. I sometimes wonder if I wouldn't have been better off as a paraplegic or
afflicted by some tragic form of cancer. The invisibility and periodicity of my disorder, along with how I often border on normalcy, allows them to evade my need for their understanding.

At this point, I feel like I have to sleep for a week after I give a talk, almost zombified from the intensity of just standing there, claiming the name, describing the pain. What will happen if I show anger? If I start to cry or get into a conflict with someone? Does that mean I'm a fraud or not truly better? The pressure to appear perfect, something that's caused me to experience so much neglect, creeps into even this work. I feel I can't be symptomatic or I'll be discrediting myself and burning all of these hard-won bridges that might eventually lead me to others who are on the same path.

So there it is: yet another layer of dualism, another dialectic. I am better, and yet I can become symptomatic again suddenly and drastically by saying to others, "I educate people about my condition," I am no longer defining myself as the illness developed through a combination of biological vulnerabilities and an invalidating environment.

"I grew up in a very invalidating environment," I declare. "People didn't take my problems seriously. I was blamed for everything I did. When I got upset, no one taught me how to take care of myself. And you were gone half the time on your trips around the world, and when you were around, you were constantly preoccupied. Even with you there, you weren't there. I felt entirely alone."

One look at my mom's face tells me I've a crossed a line. So I backtrack. "I know you did the best you could. And I don't blame you. I really, really don't. But part of getting better involves acknowledging these things and learning how to not repeat them. There are DBT skills you could learn, and ways that we could deal with this together—not keep creating an invalidating environment.

"I don't see why we can't look at the facts without judging them. No one ever talked about what was really going on in our family. We were always hiding, or ignoring, or punishing when things came to the surface."

But you need to see how much she struggles—every day, sometimes every minute—and often with things that wouldn't affect you. Those of us without the disorder generally don't understand, but it's critical, I could say even lifesaving, that you recognize her different reality—her sensitivities and the kind of pain she has."

The recovery process itself is ever-changing and dialectical, bringing together opposing experiences and catalyzing new levels of growth even as it sometimes throws you back on your *.

The desire for belonging and purpose continues to be a huge theme in my life, and the advocacy work is my main outlet for this, despite how exhausting it is and how often it triggers me.

Ethan occasionally goes out on a limb and asks if advocacy is an effective way of satisfying this need to belong. As always, the answer is dialectical. I know that by publicly declaring that I have BPD, I automatically jeopardize my relationship with most people because of the stigma and the belief that it's dangerous to be in a relationship with a borderline. On the other hand, I'm still empowered by these efforts; in fact, advocacy is the only activity that brings me into contact with people who really understand and validate me as a person

mundane aspects of life that so many people take for granted form a structure that keeps me from falling backward.

it's clear to all of us that, whether you call it being in recovery, recovered, or in remission, the process isn't like mending a broken ankle. At every stage there's still more hard work to do, and we still need help. "Each new challenge brings with it another destabilization and potential loss. And so as you get 'better,' there's an ongoing need for more support, not less."

And all along, I'm asked why I'm not getting better—what I'm failing to do. Who can I trust in this process? 

You might have the symptoms, but the rest of the world typically reduces the person to the disorder, which isn't fair or true.  Now that I understand this disorder, I know that I have different needs, and that the way people treat me and the environment I enter will have a huge impact on how I react and perform. If I get triggered, I need to be able to self-soothe and calm down. I need a way to moderate the pressure and stress so I don't freak out. I need a workplace..(here's where I get stuck, because I know what I need, but I don't know the words for it)

[Eireanne]

Growing up in a dysfunctional family can lead to an equally dysfunctional adulthood. You may encounter problems such as:

Having a hard time saying no because your boundaries weren't respected (check)
Becoming more susceptible to developing anxiety disorders (check)
Working hard to please others to fit in (check)
Having a hard time being your authentic self (check)
Having a high tolerance for poor treatment from others (double check)
Self-sabotaging (check)
Believing people close to you will hurt you or abandon you (not a belief - a reality, it happened again today)
Expecting the worst from people and life in general (Not sure if I agree with the word "expecting)
Possibly developing an insecure or avoidant attachment style in your relationships (um...debatable)
You are also susceptible to mirroring the same negative behaviors as your parents due to triggers. (yes)

You might not even realize the full capacity of the toxic behaviors that you grew up with because those behaviors were all you knew, what you learned, and what you considered normal. You grew up not knowing anything different and may have even began to believe that you deserved to be treated this way. Healing comes from a place of understanding. I know that it can be difficult to "unlearn" the toxic patterns of behaviors that you grew up around, but you can overcome them. You can eventually separate yourself from your parents, change yourself for the better, and set boundaries that work for you.

Become aware of your true feelings, beliefs, and behaviors towards your parents
Rather than use forgiveness as an excuse that it didn't happen, actively grieve
Grief lets you get unstuck, allows you to heal, and enables you to do something about your lost childhood
Make it clear that your parents' toxic behaviors were not your responsibility
Give yourself permission to be angry, without making any judgements
Talk about your anger with safe people (ha), increase your physical activity, use your anger as a source of self-definition for you to define your limits and boundaries
Gain emotional independence
Allow yourself to be who you are and let your parents be who they are
Proactively communicate and confront your parents if necessary
If you choose to confront your parents, do it for yourself, not for them. Simply having the courage to do it is successful. Your response is what matters, not their reaction to the confrontation

[Eireanne]

I still struggle with feeling judged a lot, and it's hard for me to share, because my brain has created grooves around the thought that I take up too much space.  Which is reinforced by the fact that each one of my friends I have shared with them that all I need to do is talk, they misinterpret my ask, and give me space instead, or just think they are being helpful by texting me occasionally asking if I had a good day...I'm like, can you please for the love of god stop asking me that? I JUST NEED TO TALK about anything that can take my mind off the trauma, remember when we used to have group chats? I MISS that, I need that, and it's like, we can't go back, they've already moved on, everyone else has already moved on and I feel like a ghost.  And I can't explain that feeling to ANYONE because I don't think anyone has this lived experience.  Even if you're single.  And I start to hate myself for being SO broken that I literally have NO ONE to come help me pick up these pieces, but a dog can get like 100K for dog chemo.  They are so loved, they grew up knowing how to DO that, I didn't have that.  I wasn't given those developmental skills, so it's LIKE I'm autistic, I just seriously don't understand how to people, I have to learn by modeling and I have been working in isolation for the past X years, and all this unprocessed trauma on top of it.

[Eireanne]

Have you ever been talking to someone and felt like they just didn't get it? Like you're speaking different languages? Or you find yourself in an argument that just keeps going around in circles?

One simple and common cause of that - you're not talking about the same thing at all. You might feel like you're talking about the same topic, but in reality:

- the same words can have different meanings for people
- based on your own experiences, each of you are assuming things about the other person
- one or both of you are emotionally triggered, so you can't really concentrate and think rationally
- even in the same topic, you both may have different values, so you're prioritizing different aspects of the same situation

So how can you create a shared meaning? So that you can make sure you both are talking about the same thing?

✔ ASK - ask the other person to define what they mean by the words what they're using
✔ ASK - ask open ended-questions to confirm what their perspective is
✔ ASK - find out what their values and priorities are

Sensing a theme? You have to ask questions to learn more, and then you can adapt your communication style to meet their needs and get your own needs met.
Because one of the 🔑 to good communication is learning to adapt your style so that you know how to phrase your own needs and requests in a way that makes sense to the other person.

[Eireanne]

As the person shares feedback with you, listen closely. Allow the person to share their complete thoughts, without interruption. When they're done, repeat back what you heard.

At this point, avoid analyzing or questioning the person's assessment; instead, just focus on understanding his or her comments and perspective. And give the benefit of the doubt here—hey, it's difficult to give feedback to another person. Recognize that the person giving you feedback may be nervous or may not express their ideas perfectly.

Next (and this is a hard part, I know), look the person in the eyes and thank them for sharing feedback with you. Don't gloss over this—be deliberate, and say, "I really appreciate you taking the time to talk about this with me."

Expressing appreciation doesn't have to mean you're agreeing with the assessment, but it does show that you're acknowledging the effort this individual took to share his or her thoughts.

Now it's time to process the feedback—you'll probably want to get more clarity at this point and share your perspective. Avoid engaging in a debate; instead, ask questions to get to the root of the actual issues being raised and possible solutions for addressing them.

For example, if a colleague tells you that you got a little heated in a meeting, here are a few ways to deconstruct the feedback:
Seek specific examples to help you understand the issue: "I was a little frustrated, but can you share when in the meeting you thought I got heated?"
Acknowledge the feedback that is not in dispute: "You're right that I did cut him off while he was talking, and I later apologized for that."
Try to understand whether this is an isolated issue (e.g., a mistake you made once): "Have you noticed me getting heated in other meetings?"
Look for concrete solutions to address the feedback: "I'd love to hear your ideas on how I might handle this differently in the future."

Hopefully, by this point in the conversation, you can agree on the issues that were raised. Once you articulate what you will do going forward, and thank the person again for the feedback, you can close the conversation and move on.  That said, if it's a larger issue, you may want to ask for a follow-up meeting to ask more questions and get agreement on next steps. And that's OK—it'll give you time to process the feedback, seek advice from others, and think about solutions.

Constructive criticism is often the only way we learn about our weaknesses—without it we can't improve. When we're defensive, instead of accepting and gracious, we run the risk of missing out on this important insight. Remember, feedback's not easy to give and it's certainly not easy to receive, but it'll help us now and in the long run.