Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

Act "as if".  There's magic in behaving the way we want to be, even though we don't yet feel it.  The behavior seems to lead the way, the mental state follows.  If you reach out, give love unconditionally, love will return tenfold.  The attitude we cultivate will determine how the events of our lives affect us. 

Here's another "affirmation message" that I find challenging. Because I did act like that, I was a kind, generous, selfless friend and kept thinking, I'm putting all this energy out there to receive love tenfold - why am I still only being rejected?  And I wasn't doing it with the intent to just get.  I'm genuinely a kind, compassionate, accepting, thoughtful, considerate person.  Being the change I want to see, doing the work 

This is what I keep getting stuck on. Why I spent so long putting so much energy into being a better friend. 

[Eireanne]

Each of us is guided while we act as guides to one another. We are all healers offering strength, and we all need healing.

[Moondance]

I get that Eireanne - we were kind, selfless and generous because we know and feel it's so important and lacking. 

I recall a few people in my life saying, "she tries so hard".  But how I really felt was good because I was doing good from my heart.  To me I wasn't trying that hard, it was just who I was back then.

Maybe I was trying to hard because now I have no energy for much of anything.

[Eireanne]

@Moondance - so relatable. These days I feel like I don't have the energy for anything.  Especially things that lead to feelings of rejection.

[Eireanne]

2021 - more D stuff - Possible Trigger Warning


I'm mourning restaurants we'll never go to, the ones we didn't get a chance to go to, the ones I might never get a chance to go to, at least not for a very long time. 

I have to use so much energy to not let him see he's hurting me, because HE isn't. It's the loss of who he was, I miss that guy.

He, at some point once again came into the room my stuff is in to take things instead of asking.  Because he has no respect for my boundaries or privacy and no common courtesy.  He also assumes I don't have any either.  He cheated and he's convinced everyone I was just paranoid and jealous bc he talks to "people" the way he skewed everything to make me look unhinged.  Convincing people I'm the one smashing his stuff after he threatens me. He insists I'm purposely hiding things of his so instead of being the bigger person, I started hiding his things.  He's made me into someone I don't like, and I'm mad and I feel helpless.  Now everyone is all "we love you both and we understand how hard this must be for you"

He's being so toxic and abusive and gaslighting me, and this is how he feels better about himself, to watch me be in pain and then to act all innocent like he has no idea why I have to be so hostile towards him when all he's done is be fair.

There are two sides to every story and I'd be hurt if people stopped being my friend just from stuff he's saying about me.  I just can't sort out why I'm so hurt people are still going to be his friend. 

[Eireanne]

Going through that and then reading things like this:

Preoccupation with self prevents all but the narrowest perspective on any problem. It blocks whatever truths are trying to gain our attention. The paradox is whatever our pain, it is lessened by turning our attention elsewhere, to another's pain or joy.

The story I tell myself all the time is that I am the problem, because everything I read, everything I'm taught, everything I'm told is that I need to change ME in order to get my needs met. 

I still struggle with asking people for the things I need and then not getting it. 

__________________________________________________________________________

Yesterday all the parts had so much to say and today we have no energy.  So we are honoring our own needs and ignoring the mother at the door saying, "How long are you planning on being miserable?"  Because the answer is, as long as it takes to bring up, process, attune to, validate and love myself for all the things I endured and all the patterns I can't seem to stop and all the stories I tell myself.  It's all here all the time.  I'm here for it. 

[Eireanne]

This is the post...the triggering post from 2 years ago that sticks in my head like a negative reel...

What better gift could I give on Valentine's Day, but one of emotional satisfaction? We enter relationships with the hope, and even the expectation that our true love will not only intuitively know what we need, but will happily fulfill our emotional needs – that is the unspoken job of our mate. Why not make it easier on your love by telling him or exactly what you really need? Ah, but immediately you hit a snag, because when I pop the question, what are your top four personal and emotional needs? You might be drawing a bit of a blank. How then, do you expect your dear partner to figure out what your needs are if you can't even articulate them clearly yourself?

Knowing what you need is a great place to start. The next step is asking specifically for what you want.

Edit: And this one - Giving to others is the key to finding the happiness for which we've searched so long. We must get outside of ourselves and focus on another's joy or sorrow.   

I feel like I've clearly been asking for what I want and need my entire life.  I just can't seem to figure out why when I ask for things, I don't get the thing so I automatically assumed it was me, asking wrong, not being specific enough, not being clear.  Being with A, he's the first person that can just do the thing I ask, no questions asked.  I asked him to turn his read notifications back on because it makes me anxious when he doesn't respond to my texts, he did.  Now instead of telling myself the story I said something wrong, I know he hasn't looked at my msgs.  And there's no story I tell myself with that, until it starts, and I can tell him, hey, I'm starting to tell myself a story, can you respond? And he will.  Without drama, without gaslighting, or making me feel bad for having to ask.  He just does.  And it feels so nice.  Why is it so rare?

[Eireanne]

As I continue to grieve the loss of what I thought my life was, I have been keeping this in mind:

Remember that when a door closes, a window opens. It's an artform to learn to turn our attention from the closed door and to the window - not only to it, but through it, into the possibility and what is next.

In your life right now, there are some doors that have closed, or are in the process of closing. At the same time, there are windows opening, inviting you into this next stage of your life.


K sent a text...after 7 months of nothing...

"It may not seem like it but I love you I miss you and I really really really messed up"

I guess...it's a comfort? After all, most everyone that has stopped being my friend over the years does so without me ever knowing or understanding why, so maybe the story I tell myself is that I didn't mean anything to these people that it's easy for them to just stop talking to me.  Although this text offers no explanation, K at least thinks about me once in a while even though we aren't friends anymore? 

[Eireanne]

SUNDAY, MARCH 28, 2021

I've got so much to focus on and work on, not just arts and crafts. I'm keeping busy and seriously doing a lot of work to get my mental health under control. There's such a stigma with that topic, but it's just learned behaviors and now I'm learning better things, unlearning what I was taught as a child.

It makes me sad I've been saying this or something similar at many stages throughout my life, but nothing ever changes.  Still trying to unlearn, still trying to not re-live the same things over and over, still hoping for something different and then just accepting I probably won't ever experience the things I've desperately wanted...

stupid little things, like going to a hot sauce festival.  Or having someone want to spend time with me because they actually like me, not just because they feel bad I have no one else.  Sigh. 

[Eireanne]

It's little things, like...I joined this book club, and there's this nice lady who said she'd walk with me (it's tonight) So I confirmed verbally last week I wanted to walk with her, and sent an email to her about it 2 days ago...it's now 30 minutes until the time I have to leave the house to walk there and I still haven't heard from her.  This is what people do and I think it's rude, but I can't ever SAY that.  Because then *I* am the rude one, so I just...start blaming myself.  That I'm probably giving off a desperate vibe and she was only being nice, like when people say, "let's go out for coffee sometime!" Except they do.  G sent an email that said, "A group of us are getting together on Tuesdays for coffee, would you like to join us?" and I said yes.  Then I never heard from him about it until I saw him and he offhandedly mentioned, oh hey, sorry I never followed up with you about going out for coffee...

the story I tell myself is a spectrum of things from, "they are all probably going every week but decided you were too "weird" and didn't want me there" and who blames them, I am awkward AF, I literally have no topics of conversation that aren't trauma.  My entire life is trauma right now, I'm the life of the effing party....oh, and all my friends pretty much jumped ship, which is like, just part of the pattern, so no social support, powerless to stop the pattern from repeating itself to the point I don't get out of bed and just self sooth and reparent my way through this because I have no effing friends showing up for me in ANY way but yeah, lets not overreact when a simple gesture like, "sure we can walk together" turns into more rejection...and if I keep viewing everything through the lens of rejection then I'm never going to be able to start looking for a job, so best just like...process all this trauma? 

 

I think it was a good idea to let the parts have their own journal, they are very excited and have already given me a short list of things they'd like to feel heard about.

[Eireanne]

Book club starts at 7pm so I leave the house to ensure I arrive at 7.  I don't want to be the first one there, so at first I was walking with my usual pace, telling myself the story, maybe I'll run into the lady that said we could walk together, but as soon as it's clear I don't see her I am fine listening to my music and walking and I arrive just at 7 thinking, what if I'm too early to....every one of them sitting around a table talking with not one empty seat for me to join in.  They tell me there's a spare chair in the stairwell, so I get one and sit awkwardly outside the circle until someone finally thought to make a little room for me to squeeze in a little closer.  I do not feel accepted, and I do not think these people are entirely compassionate.  Since I already started the book for next month and the next host lives a block from me I'll give it one more month, but more and more I'm seeing I'm not connecting to anyone outside of my head any time soon

[sanmagic7]

very sorry that woman didn't show up or bother to let you know she wouldn't be there.  was she at the book club at all?  i think one more month is fair.  best to you - i give you credit for reaching out for a social gathering.  that takes guts.  love and hugs, EA   

[Eireanne]

@San - oh yeah, she was there, and the only thing she made mention of to me was noticing my car was back from repairs and asked some sort of "how was I doing?" to which I replied, I'd be doing better if the universe would just give me a break for a bit, lol - she was mostly engrossed in conversation with the woman sitting next to her and didn't pay me any mind at all, none of them did.  They are all a chatty group that has been together for a while. There was no sense of welcoming or inclusion just, oh, you're here too. 

I just feel like I'm always looking for opportunities to put myself out there because "you never know when you will make a new friend" But these just aren't my people and I'm tired of putting all my energy into hoping for a sense of community and connection, a sense of belonging.  Using my time and energy to spend time listening to my parts and what stories I've been repeating is a much better use of my time right now. They've got a LOT to say. 

[Eireanne]

SUNDAY, APRIL 11, 2021
 
I'm slowly finding my voice again....reclaiming things I had once loved

learning how I want to respond to things and then practicing those responses....realizing I'm not being abused anymore, it's time to let my guard down and try.  No one is going to make me feel inferior anymore...if I mess it up, I'll try again, it's OK....and having it be ok. 

Learning to be able to set boundaries, not just go along because it's what's expected of me. 

Everyone in my life right now is teaching me how to find myself again, the lost parts of me that have been sleeping for the past 7 years. 

Actually DOING the things I've been thinking about for so long.  Becoming the person I've always wanted to be.   

I realize no previous relationship I've ever had...my (in)significant others have never done anything to make me feel loved.  They've all made me feel that I ask for too much, that I am too much...I am too

being a considerate person is really important to me, and being around so many abusive people in the middle of a pandemic made me forget that Every time I leave the house I feel like I'm surrounded by people that don't give a !@$%#$@ and I've been letting it change me, but I decided to stop that and spend some time trying to remember the person I was before all this !@$.

___________________________________________________

These are the cycles I go through, recognizing I'm in an unhealthy relationship, being removed from the situation, not having any friends or family to turn to, picking myself up and starting over and trying to be intentional in my healing, opening myself up to new experiences, only to end up with people that don't have my best interests - whether it be an abusive manager, friends that aren't really giving me friendship, people that make me feel incredibly needy because I want to feel like I am included in things.  Then reading all these affirmations that convince me that I need to clear my mind and let go and stop focusing on the past, or I'll keep attracting bad things, so my self doubt that I can't depend on people or the grief that this may be the only time I'm experiencing this and soon this will just be a memory of "the one time I experienced this and then forcing myself to be grateful for the experience while I live a life of lack and rejection, all the while trying to sooth myself into accepting it without assigning meaning to it....exhausting. 

[Eireanne]

Still plowing through the old journal entries - Then vs. now...and I want to be mindful that the perspective I have through my parts opinions on things should not make YOU all feel bad if you are reading the things I was told and found it to be helpful...I'm only venting about my own perception and am in no way judging you or your own experiences. 



1. Feeling insufficient, unworthy, unstable sense of self.

Exercising, changing the negative narrative in your head, practicing mindfulness My experiences of consistently being rejected and abandoned - at work, in friendships, in relationships, in book clubs...volunteering...leaves me feeling like there is something I must be doing wrong that people are subconsciously repelled by me.  I was told specifically by my FOO that I am worthless...I live from a place of scarcity and struggle with getting my basic needs met - which makes me feel I have no stability.  I am told to counteract this lived experience, I need to change my thinking, focus on gratitude and being mindful and exercise more.

2. Flashbacks I skipped over commenting on this in 2021, mostly because I don't have flashbacks, I ruminate - which again all the wellness industry gurus said not to do, don't think about the past or the future, just be in the now 

*3 struggle with cognitive dissonance – hold on to 2 contradictory beliefs at the same time – could not trust your own perception. Um yes, that's called gaslighting, knowing my experience to be true but being told consistently that something else happened

scapegoat I've often felt like the scapegoat in a lot of social situations and family situations...easier to blame me for things

Validation journaling exercises um...guess that's what I'm doing now? I don't know, guru self-help things like telling me open ended statements without practical - and here's how to do it! guides...unless you want to pay 4 easy payments of just $29.99

4. feels numb to your emotions (depression and anxiety) desire to disengage Aside from that absence of feeling I have when I'm just in shock from yet again having my pattern recognition play out before me and I feel completely helpless to stop or alter anything in any way...I don't really have depression or anxiety - which is funny because I was viewing everything through the lens of "I am depressed/anxious because doctor's have told me I am" I did have depression when I had COVID and recognized it.  Sometimes though it's hard for me to recognize my behaviors, because it's helpful to have someone outside me tell me what they are perceiving, but for the most part I'm pretty good at analyzing my experience.  I know when I lay in bed all curled up and I just don't want to move it LOOKS like depression, but I don't FEEL depressed.  You just need the added context of all the layers that are happening and all the things I am processing and how much it takes out of me to just let my parts all run through their interpretations of something happening before I can make a decision on which facet of what they are saying sounds like the "truth" I want to believe.

Abuse leads to emotional distress Cue a meme of Phoebe from Friends saying, "That is completely brand new information!" /sarcasm

5. emotional detachment – defense mechanism to disengage from My therapist and I agree that I do not have emotional detachment, in fact I have the opposite - super emotional about too many things

Prevents you from being vulnerable cue more laughter as I am vulnerable all the time and need to learn how to stop being so open with things, especially with people that don't deserve it.

Yoga Still working towards trying to fit a yoga practice into my routine

6. you over apologize – I'm a people pleaser for sure, but I definitely don't over-apologize. I'm more likely to say, "Thank you for your patience" than "I'm so sorry I'm late"


Subconscious reprogramming
Thought level
Belief level
Action level
Behavioral reprogramming

Your brain will often sacrifice the most effective way of getting it's needs met in order to get it's needs met most quickly.  Learn how to reconnect to yourself – create a habit for self connection, introspective questions
Learn how to be alone – deeply reflect on what your needs are and what a relationship means to them
Learn to identify your own needs
End self-abandonment – so much time thinking about other people– check in with yourself, self reflecting 7 areas of life – emotional, physical, financial, Career, mental, family/social (relational), focus on the areas that are not other ppl
Find purpose
Self sooth – process your emotions all the way through

The parts are bristling at the invalidation that is found within this message.