Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

A letter I sent my friend in April 2021

I need you to know that not a day has gone by where you haven't been in my thoughts.  I wonder how you are doing, if everyone is still safe and well, what you have been doing, how the cats are...so many thoughts.  I hope you've just been too busy to write me and worry that I haven't heard from you because I didn't take time to email you more.  Or that because you've been feeling too depressed to write to me, or you thought I would be bothered by you   It's so hard for me these days, my brain twists everything into a negative. 

Over the next several months, I'm going to be going through old journal entries, and really sitting down with my feelings.  It's going to bring up a lot of things my brain is going to want to distract me from facing, and put me in a really bad feeling space.  A lot of insecurities are going to come up and a lot of things I really can't talk to anyone about.  However, that's just it, I NEED to be able to talk about how I'm feeling with someone, and you, on more than one occasion, have offered to be that person for me.  I'm going to take you up on it, but that means actually sitting down and doing the work. 

As this email has (hopefully) pointed out, on some level, no matter how bad I really want to get to the root of why I feel this way, and heal from all the past negative experiences, on some level, my brain doesn't want me to.  Even if all of me wants to, I think my body betrays me by giving me headaches and other various body aches so that I don't want to do anything but lie down and watch movies.  Time wastes and distractions and before I know it, it's April, and we haven't talked in months and I haven't faced my demons. 

So there it is, all of why you haven't heard from me, but not actually any of the things I've gone through in all that time.

[Armee]

It's such a great feeling to sort of wake up and start enjoying things again. It's hard because it feels so out of our control sometimes, to me at least.

The whole thing about attracting abusers is such a difficult concept to grapple with. It took me a lot of time to develop that ability...I think confidence I guess...to recognize it in other people and then to trust myself enough to put the guard up and keep them out. Because I think that's what differentiates us from people who don't get sucked into these cycles with abusers...is we kind of get that gut feeling but have been trained to not listen to it and to try to be there for the  other person and put their needs first. But people without cptsd and trauma just listen to their gut and think "whatever I'm not going to out up with that *" and don't invite that person into their life, no doubt, no questioning. Just NO.

So I have no doubt that as you recover from the last cycle of abuse you'll get that spidey sense about people that is telling you "no" and you'll catch it and listen to it. Just like you are with the uninclusive book club.

[Eireanne]

@Armee I hope you're right 

[Eireanne]

Betrayal Blindness in Narcissistic Systems - this concept is really important for survivors because it's important to recognize that this is a natural part of a trauma response. We as human beings seek safety, homeostasis, normalcy, not recognizing the betrayal which we inherently know is a betrayal is a way of keeping that safety and stability.  It's a false safety, but over time we become more and more entrenched.

Self-blame is central to understanding what happens to survivors of narcissistic abuse. It's one of the primary patterns in people experiencing narcissistic abuse, but understanding where it comes from is also important.

Survivors are often shamed. You aren't blaming yourself because you're silly or weak or insecure, it's part of a larger traumatic response to staying safe and stable - normal things to want.

[Moondance]

  Eireanne

That makes so much sense to me.  I believe the doubt we have of ourselves, decisions, etc fits in as well.

Thank you for this info Eireanne.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the reflection that blaming ourself is a part of a trauma response.  I hadn't thought of it like that before.

[Eireanne]

@ Armee - I woke up today feeling full of enjoyment and thought of you 

@ Moondance - I keep having these moments where I think, why didn't someone just explain this to me? and @ rainydiary - exactly.  I hadn't thought of it like that before either.  I'm just like...this makes sense.  Why wasn't it explained LIKE THIS?

Then I just sort of want to sit with it for a while and take it in and reframe my understanding and how everything fits differently.

______________________________________________________________________________

CORE WORK to help you HEAL from narcissistic relationships

Core wounds defy intellect. Our thinking brains may recognize our distortion and our strong reactions, but core wound activation is something we feel physically.

Your body holds those core wounds. When they are activated, even though you can talk your way through, you can think rationally to yourself but your body still feels awful, and because your body feels awful, your mind can easily follow.

Many people will often trivialize their own core wounds. "I should be past this" "I can't keep living in the past" "I can't keep blaming my stuff from my past" - this isn't about using the core wound as a cop-out (we all have them) the best any of us can do is recognize them, because if we don't acknowledge them we actually can be shocked by their power and how destabilizing our responses and reactions can be. In certain situations, the core wound is a central issue around why people get into narcissistic relationships and get stuck in them and find it hard to heal afterwards.

Core wounds really help us understand the path in, the path stuck, and the challenges of the path out.

in a family society that doesn't see or validate or empathize with a child an individual, the child they may not be able to
authentically or in a healthy manner develop core values...it takes them a long time in adulthood to almost deprogram from that.

[Eireanne]

Core hopes are integral to you. When our core hopes get dashed, it does not feel good - same with all the other core stuff. The way our core hopes build, they start early. Our core hopes are driven by what we see in childhood and perhaps maybe what we don't get.

...believe that they had no right to expect so much from a relationship, that they were asking for too much, and that perhaps their core hopes were grandiose - it's not grandiose to expect to not be gaslighted or to expect to be respected or listened to.

Things that matter to them were too big of a core hope because they weren't supported in it in. After it being invalidated repeatedly, they may have simply abandoned the core hope rather than questioning the relationship. 

That core hope can shield a person from seeing their relationship accurately. The core hope of wanting a close relationship may mean that you keep enduring their ongoing invalidation just so you can maintain that hope.  The tough part is in maintaining the core hope and still setting a boundary and recognizing how it is keeping you stuck. Your core hopes are important, they are the things that may imbue life with meaning and purpose. We need to figure out how to regulate or rethink of the core if the core hopes don't land as we hope.

_____________________________________________

My biggest challenge is that my core hopes are so simple.  I want friends, and people who will show up for me when I'm hurt. I want hugs.  I want to have human interaction.  I want to remember what being touched feels like.  These hopes are SO FOREIGN to people that can't understand the void I live in...the absence of understanding what these things are.  To be treated like a person, to be respected, to be cherished...it's too much to hope for.  The fact I can't even hope someone will go for a walk with me, to not allow that hope to rise up in me that I can depend on someone when they say they are there for me.  The rejection I filter everything through because I haven't experienced those things. 

The fact that people misinterpret my lack of wanting to continue to hope. Like Charlie Brown and the football, I have been asking for years - how many times am I stupidly going to believe things are going to work out differently for me? How about I finally just reach acceptance and understand that these things are just not for me.  I don't get friends, family, a job, human decency...and I just need to learn to be ok with that, stop striving, stop hoping, just be ok that I don't get to experience those things.  And it's heartbreaking and it hurts, but it's my reality. 

This is what I've been talking to my therapist about as we open doors I am afraid of.  The longing for things I want to feel keeps me putting my energy towards people that aren't for me.  I have just been giving myself that energy and holding my little. 

It helps me recognize that my SPD is really just touch starvation, and my body can't process feels because it doesn't feel things consistently enough.  It helps with the perspective.  Sigh. 

[Eireanne]

Misconceptions About Love & How to Turn Toxicity into Healthy Boundaries

A lot of people are like, well this is how I would like for someone to love me, so if I keep doing that to her she's gonna like it because I would like it." That is not love. Love is learning to express it in the way that your partner receives it.

To be understood - that's what I was looking for. A sense of "you know me". Someone knew what you wanted and needed and you didn't even have to say it.  When two people are learning something at the same time you just knock against each other. Finding your person, you're bringing together two most likely very different families of origin and your world views are shaped by the people that raise you and so you're touching on all these things...oftentimes in relationships you're realizing together, "I don't actually know anything and neither do you." We're trying to figure that out while we're getting to know each other with this deep desire and need to be seen - that's so much of being loved.

You're depriving yourself of the next level of connection by only thinking of it from your perspective.  You can very much live in a self-centered world of "I'm the only one who contributes to this relationship." When you enter a relationship, you're coming in with a glass and if you're coming in with an empty one, you kind of have this parched expectation for the other person to fill it for you and to constantly expect someone else to fill it for you means they are depleting their own. When you both come with a full glass and there is no expectation to fill that for each other, now you can love out of the abundance of having it for yourself.  This expectation to fill it isn't there. It's just two whole people that can focus on what is important to them - live life together, navigate life together, grow together, be content together.

The question is - am I willing to work on myself for this person? It's not - am I willing to work on this relationship? It's - am I willing to work on myself for this person and is that person willing to work on themselves for me? I have a rule - if the relationship is not going in a direction we both want it to, I want you to tell me and I'll tell you.  I've sat down and said, "I don't like where this relationship's going right now. This isn't the relationship I want. Is it the relationship you want? If it isn't, what are you willing do to get it to where you want it to be and if it isn't, what am I willing to do to get it to where we want it to be and what do we want it to be? Have that conversation regularly, because you're naturally going to go off track. You can never just be on track and I think in other relationships, not only did we assume we'd always be on track, I think when we went off track we were very unhealthy in how we talked about it.

There's a sense of humility from both sides in saying, "we got this wrong, let's try again, let's shift this" I think a sense of lack of ego makes it easier to work on it continuously, whereas if you have an ego all the time that you're doing everything right and the other person's wrong then that discourages a relationship. Instead of you and me use us and we. When I'm thinking about constructively moving away from the conflict or moving forward with it, I'll always say what are we willing to do for this relationship and what is something that's important to both of us? Now we're a team, we're working on it together, we're solving this rather than "you make me feel like this and you do this wrong." It's almost like saying, "we're pretty much both struggling with this, how are you struggling with it?"

This is a way that we're socialized, to be an independent unique and individual. In relationships there is a we - we're doing this together, we're choosing each other every day - which is not easy. If you say that and the other person doesn't want to figure it out or doesn't see it, that's where you start going, "well, I don't know where this is going - there has to be a collective responsibility.

Not everyone can do that in the moment. Not everyone's going to do that when you're having the fight. Sometimes, people need more time and knowing that is important too - not everyone in the moment is able to be that vulnerable straight away.

[Moondance]

Hi Eireanne

I posted a response earlier to your post regarding core wounds - but it didn't post.

So short version  is,

Eireanne I wish that all of your hearts desires come to be for you.  That your heart and your whole being be filled with all that you want and need for yourself.

You so deserve it. 

 

[Eireanne]

@ Moondance - ugh, don't you hate it when our posts don't post??? Thank you so much for your kind words

[NarcKiddo]

You have written a lot of really helpful stuff. Thank you. I particularly relate to your post about core wounds right now because I keep working through this with my therapist. I struggle a lot with my logical brain thinking one thing and my emotional brain feeling something quite different. It truly is astonishing how core wounds can just keep on hurting no matter how often you tell yourself you are an adult and you can take care of little you.
 

[sanmagic7]

yeah, core wounds, like my lack of emotions.  it most definitely is taking time and work to re-wire those neural pathways that had been unformed.  wounds for sure.  thanks, and keep hangin' tough, ok EA?  love and hugs

[Eireanne]

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and haven't been journaling a lot, but I have all these thoughts and I've been processing them in various ways. 

@NarcKiddo - I'm grateful you (and others) are finding it useful...I always wanted that, like if someone else reads something, I always want to know, "what bits stuck out for you and why?" Here's what I learned...Let's discuss, and I...I've had this story my whole life that everyone else already knows and they are all just waiting for me to figure it out...so if I do figure something out, why wouldn't I share it with everyone? 

Teaching was like that for me, all the other teachers telling me they had to learn the hard way, so I should too.  I feel like I've literally had no support my entire life. 

Agree with you San, it most definitely is taking time and work to re-wire those neural pathways

to you both and anyone else who stops by...

[Eireanne]

At the start of this latest round of "healing journey" a few months before I found this community, I read these excerpts of things I read in some article:

Amazing things can happen when we get a say in our own care. We feel heard, respected, empowered, encouraged, and motivated. We feel able to pursue self-determination, a life of our own choosing. Our uncertainties and fears can be replaced with hope and optimism.

It all happened because my doctor treated me and not my diagnosis. He focused on recovery, not symptoms. Our relationship was built on empathy and compassion.
 
Most people feel they have little say in their care. I was angry and wanted to call attention to this situation, especially since there has been little research in this area. I turned to the Department of Psychiatry, School of Medicine, Yale University to help me do that. They expressed immediate interest in helping me. I am now working with Dr. Mark Costa and Dr. Anthony Pavlo to study these treatment issues. They have dedicated their careers to improving the lives of those with mental illness.

That's when I started doing my own research, my own understanding hasn't stopped there, and I have like, these thoughts and concepts and plans and ideas, but there's just so much else, so many other things that need my attention...so I just wanted to leave this here to remind me (Future Me) to work on them. Remember them.  Do something about them now