Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

If you feel you were broken – that someone broke you – then that believe is giving them control – do not give them that power over you, who are they to determine any aspect of your being? Yes, you may be broken, but if you believe you are irreparably so, and it will be that much harder to heal. You are a result of the combinations of past experiences have created, no one person or incident caused us, and a closure and release of all of these dramatic events will???

Hahaha...will what?  Still trying to discover that...maybe now I can

[Eireanne]

If there are unhealthy people or places in your life, consider decreasing their role. You'll find that the better you feel about yourself, the more naturally this will occur: If you treat yourself well, you won't settle for anyone that doesn't.

There will be moments when all you will want to do is quit, and there will be people who do not choose to stay by you when you need them the most. But strength is developed through hardships and solidified with time.

Not sure if that last bit is comforting.  But it's true?

[Eireanne]

negative feelings
being unliked
not fitting in
no one remembering my birthday
hating my job - no patience, always frustrated, no support

learn a new perspective - a new way of saying things. the feeling that others regard me as something to be shunned
the way my dad interrogated me - trigger
felt like I had no support - sink or swim

this is a time when you really need to care for yourself and find inner healing
people accused me of starting drama - saying things to others to intentionally start things.

J accused me of telling M things to start fights with him and S - yelling at me I am often a scapegoat and have felt like a drama magnet
often wish there were 3 of me haha now there are
peeling back onion layers vs feeling repressed
rewiring & negative thoughts

[Eireanne]

I am requesting some realistic strategies and tools I can use in my current setting.  I can use any and all support you have at your disposal.  Any information you can supply me with would be welcome and valuable.  I feel as if I've exhausted all the resources I know about, and I'm appealing to you for more options.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation


It's funny how many times I've asked this and been rejected.  I think instead of viewing it as rejection, the universe is just sparing me from wasting energy on things and people that are not mine. 

We have everything we need - already and always - because the everything we have is inherent in ourselves.

So if everything is in me, I should just learn to accept that's all I'll have.  And stop trying for things like love and support and connection and belonging, because I love, support and belong to myself.  *shrug* It's going to have to be enough for now.

[Eireanne]

I wrote this anywhere between 2014-2018

I go back-and-forth about writing, for so many reasons. Like how this pen sucks, and there's no comfortable spot to really sink in and get everything down, how my brain works so much faster than my hand, by the time I've got the sentence out, I've lost a fair amount of thoughts.

Or how my time should be better well spent doing something more productive, but let's face it – I've not been making the best use of my time. The most recent excuse for not starting is because of my rational need to have things be in chronological order, which is not how my mind works.

All these memories and emotions aren't coming in any orderly soldier's march, but instead sprouting up like (redacted) and I want to put them all in a box and deal with them in their own time.

Perhaps I need to incorporate meditation principles – acknowledge, then gently return to focus, but instead of acknowledge, take a moment to just write down the memories that come up so I can analyze them at a later date.

I need to get disciplined in a scheduled system of accomplishments instead of thinking about it, or waiting for specific date – time and time again, I think  about doing something, I may even start to do it, but I get off course, sidetracked, slip into old habits. I really want to change, but I don't and I'm frustrated that I consistently revert to the lowest common denominator, dragging myself down are allowing myself to be dragged down and before we know it, a week has gone by, a month, year, decade.

I allow myself to be lowered by distractions claiming they are waves of feeling accomplished, but lying to myself so that I can remain complacent, telling the universe that the  work is too hard, that I don't have the resources, the sounding board, the support system – and yet I do. I tell myself I can't, because there's no time and yet right now I'm nothing but time, so what's stopping me? I can use the walls to make a collage of things I want to, goals – vision board.

Which is literally where I still am, a decade later.  Sigh 

[Eireanne]

Relationships are not to find someone to be your missing piece, you need to be your own person wholly for there to be someone to want to be with you. Doing it for yourself is the thing you have to do first.

Everyone always leaves - you are the only one you can rely on.

Like attracts like - if you don't need it, you are more likely to attract it. Learn how to not need something.  Nature abhors a vacuum. A lack of something attracts more of a lack of something. Vicious cycle. The present is always perfect.

Attachments to worldly things and even to people, with the greed and negativity that such attachments calls, are the source of human suffering. Actions based upon these attachments cause karma that hold a person's spirit to the earth plane. Karma causes people to be reborn again and again, for the purpose of resolving the situations. Each lifetime has a pre-life agreed upon the series of things to learn. what you send out comes back to you.

[Eireanne]

Put myself before everything else. Stop worrying about not having a relationship, friends, etc. because ultimately, these people I pin my hopes on are distractions

Experiences of betrayal leave us wounded and scared and suspicious of others. It makes us subconsciously push away what we want most.

Generate an appreciation for what you have in your life and forgive what didn't work out. If it was meant to be it would have. The universe was saving you.

[Eireanne]

It's very hard to do cognitively, just with your mind, to actually let go of the past. You want to work with this energetic shift in your heart, and it will actually shift your whole energy and cause your body to go into a healing process.

[Eireanne]

When I have anger I can't express, it comes out as depression. I mostly feel stifled, frustrated by lack of resources, security, stability. The more compliant she is the more her feelings and needs are ignored. But when I try standing up for myself, I drive people away.

No one has the right to judge how we feel or devalue our feelings. Feelings simply exist, and we are entitled to them. Identify and take inventory of your feelings about yourself, your life. Sad, hopeless, overwhelmed, enraged, how am I supposed to behave? Self-hatred, frustrated, always wrong. When your feelings are out of control they can interfere with both judgment and reason.

[Eireanne]

I understand that my parents had no idea how much pain they carried from their own childhoods, how little they knew about how to lovingly parent and how to discipline me with love rather than as a projection of their own pain.

If I had known or had been taught that love, confidence, acceptance and understanding could all be found and experienced inside of me...and that everything on the outside was a reflection of the pain I carried and even brought into this world, then I could have focused my attention within to create the intentions I desired.

I did turn my attention within, but I was looking for what was wrong with me that others would treat me this way. And because I was looking for what was wrong, I eventually created it within me as health issues, especially once I had left the parental nest and found that others in the world treated me much the same way. I stored all of that pain within and kept repressing it.

I have long ago understood that all of that repressed pain created my health and relationship issues, my career struggles and my financial limitations, my self-doubt in my own inherent abilities and the self-sabotaging I did to prevent the realization of my dreams.

What I didn't fully understand is that there was never, ever anything wrong inside of me to be released. There was only a lack of light within, a lack of love, places where I had unconsciously never allowed love to flow.

So this week when I do my meditations, I am no longer trying to push out the darkness. I am simply allowing the light to flow in and through me. I am focused on feeling loved, feeling accepted and feeling happy.

As you meditate this week, imagine the warm lights of love flowing into any area of your life that does not feel like love and allow this Love Light to fill your life and transform it. Allow the experience to just unfold without feeling like you need to control the outcome.

[Eireanne]

It seems like it's almost commonplace these days for someone to have some sort of an emotional meltdown. To the person having the meltdown, their mind is piecing together things that have happened, things that have been said or haven't as fast as they can to justify why they are feeling what they are feeling.

While we can easily look to our daily news for many examples of this happening, you can also probably look out into your own life and see others cracking around you. The pressure to surrender and let go of all of the repressed feelings we have inside of us is increasing...and it will continue to do so.

Yet our minds want to know what the outcome will be. Our mind wants to understand and have a vision for where this surrender will take us. And yet this is not surrender. This is the mind still wanting to control the experience.

You cannot know where surrender will take you until you do it...simply because as long as you are enmeshed in the vibrations of fear, it blocks you.
We are vibrational beings who can only imagine outcomes as far as our unique blend of emotional energies allow. As you clean the erratic vibrations of fear, pain, disappointment and pain from your emotional body, your vibration calms down and you feel more at peace.

Hu Dalconzo taught me that there are 7 primary Ego manifestations...signals for me to know when I was stuck in Ego. They are:

1. An increase in old dysfunctional behavior - If you find yourself going back to behaviors you already know do not work for you, but you feel compelled to do them anyway...this is one way your ego is holding onto the past.

2. Distinguishable amounts of yelling, crying, talking, excessive activity, physical ailments or illness. - All of these distract you from keeping your focus on what is really happening, what you are really feeling and your ego does not want to face.

3. Feelings of depression, anxiety, numbness, disassociation, being "zoned-out." - These separate you from from experiencing the peace and calm of your Self. As long as you allow your focus to stay on what isn't working instead of facing it head on, you stay stuck in ego.

4. An increase in compulsive behaviors such as alcohol, drugs, sex, food, TV watching. These are all tools the ego uses to distract you from facing what is happening within.

5. Feelings of confusion, uneasiness. This is a normal experience we all go through as we start to face the emotional storms within. It is merely a layer of fear to move through. It is the uncertainty of not knowing what will happen when we face what we have been avoiding and even how much is there.

6. Feelings of anger, hatred or resentment. This is the rational lie that our ego's tell us...that someone outside of us is responsible for our pain. Our ego tells us that what they are saying, doing or not saying or doing is the cause of our pain. Yet this is living in an ego identified state. For as long as we believe that anyone in our outer world is the cause for what we feel in our inner world, we are powerless to change it. It is only when we truly grok that what is happening outwardly is a direct reflection of how pure and clear our emotional body's vibration is...that we can boldly put our focus where it has to be for our lives to change.

7. Justifications and Rationalization. Our ego minds come up with all kinds of excuses not to grow and change. We justify our behavior for why we feel what we feel...instead of just feeling it. We rationalize why the other person is wrong and blame them for not acting the way we want...instead of understanding that they are the reflection of the very vibrations we need to release. As long as we continue to justify and rationalize our behaviors, we are stuck in ego and as long as we are stuck in ego, we will continue to experience the same life circumstances.

[Eireanne]

everything happens in its own time, and this is the time for me to go through this, and I'm doing so much learning and growing, it's ok that it didn't happen before, I wasn't ready before, and I'm learning to be ready now.  Things here have been beyond hard, and what I'm seeing now is a shift in understanding.  That the learned behaviors I had aren't necessarily true if I allow myself to see things from a different perspective.  It's still hard, as my brain wants to latch on to what it knows, even though what it knows is based on information filtered through a negative bias, information I received that was based on incorrect information, but the more work I do on reframing, the more things make sense.  I know what I said probably doesn't make sense, but one day, when I'm ready, I will explain....it will be hard, but I trust that you are my very good friend and will be supportive of me no matter what.  (she now says to herself)

[Eireanne]

There is good in everything if you just learn how to reframe it.  My issue is, how can I reframe that which I've never experienced? If, as a child, my family was my entire universe then I was led to believe that that is just the way things are. I don't know there's an alternative because this is all I know. I don't know HOW to fight another way, I don't know how to express myself another way, I want those things modeled for me and I don't know where to find the answers I need. 

Think thoughts the size of the success you would like to have. This subtle element is fast and powerful. It will manifest in your life.
Then that's what I need to start doing.  I need this time, where the answers I'm looking for and the things I am reading will sync up. 

The power to control your experience starts with your thoughts. What life expanding thoughts will you generate today?

What you focus on, you create. So focus your attention consciously, and do not allow your attention to stray to results that you aren't interested in manifesting. Because you can, and will, create more of what you are focusing on...releasing something that you were ready to let go of... but also to pause after the moment of release to truly enjoy and recognize the beautiful ripples in that moment.

The more we look within for wholeness, the greater will be our acceptance of all things at all times.  "Going within" first takes a decision.  Next, it takes stillness, and then patience.  But peace will come.

First, I need to have wholehearted belief that something will come and that what I want IS out there and will be attracted to me.
I need to draw a circle of protection around my talks with my therapist and explain to the universe that I'm releasing those thoughts and they shouldn't listen to them, it's not what I want to attract to myself any longer.

Do not allow yourself to stay in a situation that is less than life-giving. Transform your circumstance through non-resistance by having a clear image of where you are going. The tiny stream knows in some part of its own nature that it is being drawn to a larger stream - and then - the ocean.

There is a magnetic pull towards the greater, and that same pull is at work in you and me. You can behave any way you decide to. 

[Eireanne]

I think it's reading things like this that have kept me stuck. Especially the use of the words wise and victim. It is NOT a child-like desire to want to be taken care of, and you can't be self-actualized if you're not getting your basic needs met.


Wherever you are right now you can do this:

Take a deep breath.

Becoming wise is letting go of the illusion that the external world is there to take care of you or make you feel better and understanding that only you can resolve your emotional needs and internal conflicts.

Because of our victim consciousness, many continue to transfer responsibility onto others and project their childlike desire to be taken care of
Because we have internalized and not fully resolved our feelings of vulnerability from childhood, whether we are conscious of it or not, we continue to perpetuate some level of victim consciousness.

examining our internalized and unprocessed feelings of vulnerability from childhood. During our formative years, our brain has an inherent mechanism to distort reality as to psychologically protect us from harm so that we can survive in our environment. Because some of the experiences we encountered in childhood created emotional distress and threatened our self- esteem, our subconscious mind creates defense mechanisms as a means of coping.

These defense mechanisms become part of our subconscious framework. Growing up psychologically and spiritually is accepting the painful reality that deep down, we all feel vulnerable and inadequate and to work through the anxiety, fear and sadness that this realization creates.

Another dynamic that keeps us trapped in victim consciousness are control dramas, which are also created in childhood.

When we become self-actualized, we step out of this paradigm. We realize that there is a third position; not to engage in either role and learn how to satisfy our own emotional needs. A wise person learns how to navigate relationships without being a bully, which means not desiring power or control over others, imposing one's values on others or manipulating others to satisfy internal needs. A wise person also learns how to set boundaries with others and communicate assertively. A wise person also understands that all interactions need to be an equal energetic exchange or a win/win situation because we are all energetically connected. If one party wins and the other party loses, this actually impacts both parties in a negative way. A bully/victim paradigm appears to be a win/lose, but is more accurately a lose/lose position. A wise person understands that cooperation is the only solution and every outcome needs to be a win/win.

If the reality is no one really cares about your well-being but you and that is OK. It is not wise to allow your well-being to rest in the hands of highly flawed and self-serving individuals.

[Eireanne]

whatever you have to let go of must not have been yours in the first place.