Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

My observation has been that a person (guy, girl, whatever) will think of any excuse (no matter how trivial) as a reason to not speak to them again.  oh, I don't like your hair, or you're too short/tall/thin/small breasted/tall/fat/big breasted/too religious/not religious enough/too much hair/not enough hair/etc. And it could be one thing the other person is lacking...the wrong level of education, socio-economic status, car (or lack thereof) and suddenly the potential to find out anything about that person is gone. I've never understood that. I tend to overlook most things...but I started thinking...at what point is it OK to mention to another person, "hey, I don't really care for *this* about you" without coming off as insensitive? 

I get into a state of consciousness where certain things that had been eluding me find its way to the surface, and I long to have someone to be able to share that experience with. I want someone to be so keenly interested in me that making that depth of a connection was something that they were interested in doing, not just as an obligation, but knowing that those are the moments to me at least that make me feel like I'm in a partnership with someone who wanted to see my authentic self, because that is the intimacy I crave that if received I think I could truly blossom...not just for how I made them feel about themselves. So, in this coming year, I'm trying to learn how to be that person for myself. Which is quite challenging...it means having to rewire some deeply rooted beliefs.

I was listening to a Ted Talk, and she said, "as long as you focus on what it is that actually matters structures will cease to be relevant and your ripple will flow resistance free and take all kinds of shapes that you would not even have imagined" - and I think that is what I meant.  Everything will fall into place if it was meant to be. I'm not stressing about the details right now. My focus is on me, and fully knowing what it is I want before I'm able to present it to someone else and say, "are you able to fill this role for me?" Currently, I realize I'm uninterested in meeting anyone else's needs before my own basic ones are met.

I assume I'll forever be a work in progress, I'm just hoping I'll eventually connect with someone that is genuinely interested in being a part of that...not just someone who feels obligated to listen. Not sure if that makes sense...most of my thoughts rarely make sense to others, but I think it's because I have a hard time explaining...even when I think I've made myself perfectly clear, other people filter what I say through their own perceptions and most times comprehension is lost somewhere in between.

[Eireanne]

Worry – when do you worry? When a situation is occurring and a similar situation occurred in the past, which didn't turn out well, and you aren't clear on what steps you need to take to prevent the same thing happening again, like you look back and it's not obvious, Oh, if I had only done this differently, so when this happens again, next time I'm going to do THIS – only you're never clear what this is, and the more you try to prevent the outcome from occurring, you seem to be careening down the same path.  Then you worry that thinking about how to solve the problem from happening is causing a self-fulfilling prophesy, and everyone tells you you overthink things, so how to stop thinking?

"Almost everything you worry about happening never has happened" actually, everything I worry about HAS happened, is continuing to happen and I can't figure out how to CHANGE things.

They aren't negative THOUGHTS, they are negative things that have actually OCCURRED

My biggest issues are financial insecurity, feeling trapped in an inability to communicate effectively and not having anyone that has the time to help me verbalize these issues that weigh on my mind and grief over the non-stop losses that I experience. 

[sanmagic7]

i hear you, EA.  love and hugs

[Eireanne]

https://youtube.com/shorts/Yix441VJ350?feature=share

[Eireanne]

Something I do regularly, and have a problem with:

When we encounter someone who mistreats us, instead of acting in anger, withdraw. Later, when you are calm and more detached, reflect on that person who mistreated you. Try to imagine the background of that person. Try to imagine what that person was taught as a child. Try to imagine the day or week that person was going through, and what kind of bad things had happened to that person. Try to imagine the mood and state of mind that person was in — the suffering that person must have been going through to mistreat you that way. And understand that their action was not about you, but about what they were going through. Now think some more about the suffering of that poor person, and see if you can imagine trying to stop the suffering of that person. And then reflect that if you mistreated someone, and they acted with kindness and compassion toward you, whether that would make you less likely to mistreat that person the next time, and more likely to be kind to that person.

In the instances where I treat someone with compassion who is mistreating me, it gives them permission to continue to mistreat me, because I am letting them know that I accept that treatment, even though I'm verbally telling them I don't deserve it, and ask for what I do deserve.  I've spent so long thinking I must endure how everyone treats me, because it's some lesson I need to learn or decipher or figure out. Some karma of a past life I must be making up for.  Some flaw in my very being that makes the world reject me.  And so the kinder, more generous, compassionate I am towards others, the more I am hurt and abandoned. 

I have a "friend" who shares her life with me.  Right now, she is sharing pictures of a baby caterpillar she is taking care of until it turns into a butterfly...and I remember when I was a teacher, and all the other classroom teachers were doing the "butterfly" project, where you mail away for the kit.  I didn't get one (of course) but a fellow teacher would let me come into her classroom and look at hers every day.  It was the brightest part of my day and I really enjoyed it, looking forward to the release day. 

Only, I walked into her classroom and she was angry at me.  Accused me of purposefully sneaking in her room and unzipping the thing they were kept in so they were on her ceiling or something and ruined the whole release for her entire class.  Like I was so jealous that I had to destroy it for her.  Which is a theme in my life.  Being a scapegoat.  Being accused of things.  Like this one toxic job I had where this woman accused me of hiding the coffee creamer from her.

I don't understand, all these times in my life when people accuse me of things and just see me as a jealous, drama causing...all these negative things...because I'm just so needy and desperate to belong I must give off that vibe that people...just don't understand.  Like one friend I almost made a few years ago, and all I wanted was to go for walks and hang out, but I guess she thought I was like...trying to date her? I have no idea.  No one I interact with has any self awareness and just accuse me of things.  It makes me even sadder and lonelier, because they don't see me.  So I wear my invisibility and took myself for a walk today, crying the entire time.  Not even caring, because I'm so used to being invisible, I know no one is going to stop me and ask if I'm ok.  That's literally never happened.  I just go about my day with my companions grief and trauma. 

Also today is my best friend from HS's birthday.  After HS, I tried for years to be friends with him.  And he told me, "this isn't HS anymore".  I found out he left his GF and started a deep, intimate "friendship" with another one of my friends from school.  But had no interest in being my friend anymore. 

This sadness that weighs over every aspect of my being is the vibe I give off, the one of never knowing a sense of belonging, never fitting in, never really knowing how to depend on someone, because everyone leaves.  I look at all the photos of people that were once a part of my life and I just have to have gratitude that our paths crossed once before they moved on, and they all have rich, full lives while I sit in bed and cry. 

I just go through the motions of being alive. 

[Armee]

 

[Eireanne]

to San and Armee - thank you for the hugs as I continue to dig through the stored things in my computer and memories...


no one takes me seriously when I can't rapidly form coherent thoughts...it's like, I know what I'm talking about, I just don't know how to say it

Something else I've been saying for years.  No one really understands me.  I am told by some how articulate I am, and I end up having A and B conversations with others.  I read (and deleted) an entire page of suggestions (I tried) to add "happiness" to my life and it's all BS that just makes me feel more sad and alone because people don't understand what I mean.  Companionship, need to feel love? Get a pet. Volunteer. Take your mind off your own troubles. Think about people less fortunate than you.  None of that comes close to what I'm talking about. 

[Eireanne]

I have such varied emotions I can't even label them all, it's too overwhelming
I can't break it down into simple needs/wants
hence the frustration
I have no words to describe my thoughts
I feel autistic
I forget simple things
like to say hello to someone
I'm too direct
and quiet when I should be talking
because I can't find the words
and people don't get that
so they think I'm antisocial
it's all very frustrating

[sanmagic7]

it is indeed frustrating, EA, and i can relate. too many times things come out of my mouth before i can catch them, or the opposite - i can't say what i mean because my thoughts don't coagulate into words. and, i am on the edge of the spectrum, so i can see how that has affected me and my ability to communicate at times.  i'm better at writing, where i can take my time to think about what i want to say and how i want to say it. 

i watched that little video about empaths, and it made sense that they are attuned to what they perceive as the most dangerous thing in the room. i think her advice was a bit simplistic.  it's easy for anyone to tell us 'you need to do this or change that' but putting it into practice can be a whole 'nother can of worms. i guess it's why i don't usually look to online 'gurus'. it makes me feel uncomfortable rather than encouraged.

it's amazing all the info you've gathered.  gives me something to think about, and put into concrete realizations. love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Eireanne,
I agree with SanMagic that it is amazing all the info you've gathered.  It also gives me things to think about. 

I also relate to finding it easier sometimes to write things down, than say them.  I rarely say things aloud or communicate them that way, but writing - it does help.

 
Hope 

[Eireanne]

I appreciate your words, San and Hope - I'm still struggling so much with every conflict I've ever had that has just made me shut down because I didn't have the words for what I was trying to say, or the words I did say were misunderstood.  I'm just trying to make sense of so many things going on that I just wish I had someone to talk to about...in bringing these thoughts here, we now all have a lot to think about I guess.

[Eireanne]

In re-reading a lot of what I wrote 20 years ago, 10 years ago, 6 years ago, there's so much unlearning involved and the same messages repeat over and over.  So many "don't care what other people think, you give them the power when you blahblahblah" and I came across this:

They are talking sh*t about me at work. And the reason they talk sh*t about me is because I think far too hard about them and care way too much about what they might be saying. Every day, I send the energy out that I am open and available for their sh*t. They react in turn. This is not about them - this is on me, it's a reflection of the ugliness in my own nature. The more time I spend counting my blessings, the happier I am. When you stop focusing on what isn't there, you stop needing it.

I hold my parts with compassion for taking on the burden of believing me being bullied was my fault and I deserved it because I wanted to feel like I belonged.  That if I just give up the hope of wanting to belong then life wouldn't hurt so bad. 

[Eireanne]

you didn't have the tools to emotionally process or make peace with at that time

what's happened is you've got all this negative emotional storage that's basically trapped in your subconscious mind and when something touches on it, it triggers it to flood to the surface and now you're experiencing the emotion from right now in the present moment - the thing that triggered all the stored emotion - plus all the sort of emotion coming to the surface at the same time.

The subconscious mind is programmed through repetition plus emotion.  You didn't come into the world with these programs, you got them through repetitive emotionally based experiences.

which means you need to repetitively and with emotion reinforce the opposite of them in order to equilibrate them.

start meeting your needs and hearing your own feelings - processing your own feelings first. We only can keep bringing past wounds into the present because we're recreating them on some level. If we were wounded all the way back in childhood why is it still causing us pain now? because our subconscious mind keeps playing this out. It has all this emotional storage here and it keeps releasing it to the surface, which keeps hardwiring that programming more and more deeply.

[Eireanne]

I need someone else to sort my mess out and tell me, "this is the most important thing".  There are times I am fully capable of doing this, but when I am in the middle of being burnt out, overwhelmed, triggered...I can't make the simplest decisions.  Which is NOT good when you are a manager. 

This is where it would come in handy to ask for those accommodations I need, but since mental disabilities are still highly stigmatized and not even remotely understood, I'm just supposed to be able to suck it up and deal.  Which means I am exhausted nearly all of the time, and get constant headaches.  I'm not even clear myself on what my accommodations should be.  I just want to be able for my boss to understand my learning style and work with me so that I can perform at my optimum, and it doesn't look like she's capable of doing that. 

[Eireanne]

This is now my 4th therapist and each one beforehand gives me everything they suggest, and I do their suggestions and ultimately I come back and say, ok, I've done the work, but I'm not getting out of this rut.  What else do you have? To the point where I just feel like everyone is giving up on me and I'm hopeless. 

People keep giving me reassurance, not realizing I need ANSWERS.  I need names for the things I don't know.

The first issue I have is that I tend to tell a story outside of linear time, or two stories at the same time, and I need to say all the words of both stories until I can get to the core of the problem*.  For example, I can complain about the way my boss treats me at work but it may be months before I make the connection that I'm re-doing a relationship/experience/situation that I failed in previously, and this is my opportunity to work through past negative experiences, trying to figure out a way to do it "right" this time.

And instead of giving me stuff to DO, people assume I already have these skills, or that I can just say, "stand up for yourself" (like that means anything). They don't get the trauma coming up about me losing every job I've ever had before.  That I don't have the positive experiences to fall back on so I'm not completely terrified. Terrified of doing my IRS stuff, which is keeping me up at night. I'm convinced if I had the right resources if I knew who to ask, or where to go....stuff I feel everyone else knows, but they just say, "I don't know what to tell you"

When I try talking to my current therapist about all this, she just reiterates I should be using my tools - and I'm like, what tools? What do I have? All she's given me is self soothing and basically the same (CBT exercises online) gives me.  It's not stopping the panic I spiral into because I can't do everything that needed to be done.  I'm running out of time. I'm scared, I have no emergency contact. I have no village.  I try to make friends but it takes years to get to a point where you can find a confidante. 

sigh

*My current therapist lets me do this, and she has no problem following along, knowing my stories spiral, knowing she's listening to my parts verbally ventilate what they need, because of my deep seated need to just be heard...she asked this week, "does anyone else in your life show up for you like this? To just listen to you?" I said no. At most, the people I have in my life hold space for the tiniest fraction of what I am trying to process, no one has the capacity to just really hold it all, and understand what it is I need - everyone just tries to fix.