Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

10 Things To Say To Someone With CPTSD

1.   I hear you. I'm listening.
2.   It's not your fault what happened to you.
3.   Your feelings matter to me. You are important to me.
4.   What would help you right now as you feel overwhelmed and anxious? Making a list? Brainstorming what we can do together if something happens? Slowing down and breathing? Taking a break?
5.   I'm not sure what to say right now, can I sit next to you and just be here for you?
6.   Would you like to tell me more? No pressure. I'm here to listen.
7.   I'm here for you. You're not alone.
8.   Your reactions and symptoms make sense based on what you've been through.
9.   There is nothing wrong with you. You are not crazy.
10.   You've been through a lot. I know it's not my fault, but I'm sorry.

The goal is to:
•   Validate (hearing some kernel of truth in what they are saying, not necessarily agreeing)
•   Actively listening (listening to understand not interrupt)
•   Foster connection (to let them know they are not alone)
•   Be authentic
•   Be present and attuned

[sanmagic7]

your lists are valid and accurate, EA.  i'm hear, and i'm listening.  love and hugs

[Eireanne]

About emptiness, excerpt from Welcoming the Unwelcome by Pema Chodron

The first time something like this happened to me, I was also in the middle of a mundane activity. I was sitting in front of my house in New Mexico, I heard the car door slam, my husband walked around, he told me he was having an affair and wanted a divorce, and - wlam ! - life as I knew it had ended.
I hadn't connected with Buddhist teaching yet, so I had no frame of reference.
Then, years later, I received my first teachings in shunyata. This Sanskrit word is most commonly translated as "emptiness". As so many people do, I at first misunderstood it. Emptiness can easily sound like a void, an absence, a state of non-existence.
( ... )
It took me a while to connect emptiness to what I had experienced that day in New Mexico, not to other experiences where my bubble had suddenly burst.
Nothing in our conceptual framework can prepare us for the experience of "life as you know it ends". The way our mind perceives and holds things doesn't operate anymore. All our reference points are gone, how we normally conceive of reality just doesn't work.
( ... )
When we talk about "emptiness", it's important to clarify what empty refers to. The word "tree" is just a convenient name for a collection of parts - trunks, limbs, leaves - that are always changing, day by day, instant by instant. We label it all as a "tree", but that label is just in our minds. In reality, there's nothing permanent or solid we can hold onto. And this is true not only of trees, but of everything in the universe, including "you" and "me".
Everything is empty of fixed ideas and labels. But at the same time, a tree doesn't disappear when we recognize its emptiness. We just see it more clearly as it really is : fluid, open-ended, and interconnected with everything around it.
Another way of talking about emptiness is to say that things are "free of imputed meaning". Instead of experiencing things simply as they are, our minds impute extra-layers of meaning onto them. This may sound very intellectual, but imputing meaning is something we all do, continually. For example, think about how you feel when you say  "a nice cup of tea", ( ... ), "a hot shower", "a puppy". Do you think about (it) just as it is, or is there another layer of meaning on top ?
( ... )
But are any of these meanings actually in these objects ?
When our bubble is burst by sudden events, our imputing meanings are torn away. Sudden experience of emptiness can be triggered in all kinds of ways. When your bubble bursts, even the most ordinary things in your life - your furniture, your neighbor, how you walk down the street - are stripped of their extra-layers of imputed meaning. You find yourself in a groundless, open space.
( ... )
You're onto the truth.
( ... )
As we get to know and appreciate the open groundless state of ( emptiness ), we realize it is far more enjoyable than the fictional "reality" we struggle so hard to maintain and improve, ( ... ) one of the most important parts of the Buddhist faith.
The difficulty with emptiness occurs when we have no context for understanding the experience. If emptiness is simply thrust upon us by circumstances, it can be very painful. ( ... ) . The space is too wide open and there's nothing familiar to hold on to.
We can prepare for such experiences by starting to get familiar with emptiness ( ... ) sitting in the middle of what's going on and letting go of concepts and labels to the best of our ability. If we do this regularly, we may. from time to time, have vivid experiences of how everything is empty of our fixed ideas and mental overlays. They can be similar to moments of "life as you know it ends", but without the shock and the trauma. Although these moments of insight seem to arise from nowhere, they come about because of our practice. ( ... ) They are the natural result of our openness and curiosity about whether our labels and mental imputations have any basis in reality.
Cultivating the experience of emptiness will give us a context, ( ... ), a way of facing the most difficult and disorienting tims without so much despair and rejection. ( ... ) . It doesn't give you a ground or something to hold on to, because the experience itself is one of groundlessness. But knowing about emptiness makes it possible to face it courageously. It makes it possible to appreciate the experience as something that brings us closer to the truth.
Once we begin to see emptiness as an experience to cultivate rather than avoid, we can take advantage of the many opportunities that arise in our lives to learn more about it. They don't have to be sudden shocks ( ... ), we can connect to emptiness through less dramatic emotions and states of mind. Boredom, loneliness, insecurity, uncertainty, anxiety, fear and even depression are all potential starting points for learning how (...) to experience things just as they are.

[Eireanne]

This week's Mindfulness-Based Stress reduction course is a sucker punch to the gut...

One of the most under-appreciated aspects of the stress response - Stress makes you social. To understand this side of stress, we need to talk about a hormone, oxytocin. 
Oxytocin is a neuro-hormone.  It fine-tunes your brain's social instincts. It primes you to do things that strengthen close relationships. Oxytocin makes you crave physical contact with your friends and family. It enhances your empathy. But here's what most people don't understand about oxytocin. It's a stress hormone.  Your pituitary gland pumps this stuff out as part of the stress response. It's as much a part of your stress response as the adrenaline that makes your heart pound. And when oxytocin is released in the stress response, it is motivating you to seek support. Your biological stress response is nudging you to tell someone how you feel, instead of bottling it up.  When life is difficult, your stress response wants you to be surrounded by people who care about you. The physical benefits of oxytocin are enhanced by social contact and social support. So when you reach out to others under stress, either to seek support or to help someone else, you release more of this hormone, your stress response becomes healthier, and you actually recover faster from stress.

Techniques to counter stress - Social support. Confidants, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, relatives, spouses, and companions all provide a life-enhancing social net — and may increase longevity. It's not clear why, but the buffering theory holds that people who enjoy close relationships with family and friends receive emotional support that indirectly helps to sustain them at times of stress and crisis

Another modification to the stress response is called tend-and-befriend. It explains why people feel the need to reach out to friends and relatives in the community — to assure themselves that loved ones were all right, to comfort the distressed or bereaved, and to shore up social networks. Connecting in this way actually helps reduce stress as opposed to, say, watching an endless loop of TV coverage. That's because tend-and-befriend also involves different balances of hormones — in particular, increased levels of oxytocin, which enhances bonding
between a mother and child or between sexual partners, for example. It makes the brain's reward centers more responsive to social contact, and it is an important part of resilience.

Ouch.

[Eireanne]

My "closest" friend texted me for the first time in 4 months.  She asked how I was.  I told her I wasn't ok.  She assured me that everyone was feeling depressed and anxious and I was "not alone". 

I responded, "I'm dealing with acute isolation and the more people I tell, the more they leave me alone.  It's reached epic proportions to the point I am on bed rest.  Since no one has this lived experience, they cannot relate.  Instead of saying, "What can I do to help?" most people tell me things that make it worse and then assume I'm "self isolating" when in reality, I'm dying of loneliness.  I recognize anything more I say may hurt and confuse you, which is not my intention.  It's complicated and messy and there are a lot of strong emotions tied to it.  I understand you give me the friendship you are capable of giving and I appreciate it.  I don't know how to tell you how hard I've tried to get my own needs met, but without the support from others, I haven't been able to heal.  The best thing you an do for me is to come over and let me tell you in my own way what is going on, without trying to fix anything, just listen and ask questions so I can feel heard.  If you can't do this, due to your own capacity, I completely understand that and respect your boundaries.  I allow you the autonomy to decide what is best for you and that in no way changes how I feel about you.

Her response:  "What does your doctor say? There may be a physical component if you're feeling this way.  Come to my virtual pet meditation class so we can see you and encourage you (note - I don't have a pet and I'd have to pay for the class to listen to her tell me to be mindful and relax for 30 minutes - there is no feeling of 'connection' during these meditations, and I do not need "encouragement").  You have to start somewhere to cure the loneliness, right?"

Sigh, again more listening to fix instead of understanding.  That, coupled with the readings from this week's mindfulness....

[Eireanne]

The effects of ongoing stress, burnout, and exhaustion on your life look something like this.

You become foggy.

**************
The hormone cortisol floods your system when you are under stress.

It completely disrupts your life by creating these types of conditions:
- you don't think as clearly
- you don't sleep well
- your eating and drinking habits change
- you have a reduced ability to manage emotions
- you isolate

*****************
Self-care will teach you to look inward to better understand these emotions and name them.

And that's important.

However it can leave you in the fog.

Supportive-Care does the work of moving forward by looking outward and processing these emotions with others who support you with the actions needed to walk you through the fog.

Allowing the hormone oxytocin (the human-bonding hormone that overpowers cortisol) to be released.

That is what reduces stress.

***************************
So for leaders and parents out there thinking that your employee/child/friend can clear this fog with their therapist and some self-care alone.

Think again.

The fog clears when the most important people in your life show care and support.

That is you - leaders, managers, bosses, parents, professors, classmates, friends, lawyers, doctors, and even strangers.

Your care and support is what is needed to fully lift that fog.

Without that support people are left feeling unseen, unheard, undervalued, and uncared for.

[sanmagic7]

EA, i've found care and support here like nowhere else, except w/ my D who i live with.  just want you to know i care about you and support you as you continue moving forward.

[Eireanne]

I *really* need to feel validated, and it makes me feel so needy, because I need it to come from outside of myself...and I recognize because I've rarely experienced that, it's an unmet need. 

I get mad when I see posts online that say, "asking for help is hard, but once you do ask, you will realize how much support is waiting out there for you, don't be afraid to ask for help" when I keep asking and keep getting rejected. 

A year ago, I asked a friend to come over and help me with some things around the house.  Not only did she not come over, but everyone else I asked also didn't come over.  Finally, I went back to the original friend and explained why it was important and that I really just needed her to come over.  I am embarrassed that I've lived here a year and I can't do simple things because of my limitations.  So many unmet needs are being triggered here, as well as all the things I need to unlearn that I've been told my entire life.  I'm so tired of everyone getting it wrong, no wonder I have such a desperate need for validation. I KNOW my truth, so when is someone going to shut up, sit down and listen to it? Sigh.

That friend said she was going to come over today.  I asked her to call me during the week (she didn't, even though she said, "will do!")  With apprehension and dread that once again, I was going to have to deal with feeling rejection, wondering why I even bother having friends, wondering why I even bother asking anyone ANYTHING - even the ask of, "hey, let me know when you have 15 minutes to talk" went unacknowledged....I guess that makes me have "anxious attachment style" because I need context for why people can't bother to show up for me?

So I finally text her, "Good morning Wasn't sure if you were still coming over today, I hadn't heard from you this week - wanted to check in" Yup, sure enough she wasn't coming.  That and facing an entire day with only one text message.  It isn't that I'm not grateful for the connections I DO have, it's that they are just a drop in the bucket to the support I need RIGHT NOW.  I have to constantly rely on myself and getting trapped in my own head is making everything seem so much MORE than it is...than when someone would just sit down with me and make me feel connected so I can face the big scary...no one understands how closely this is tied to my trauma and I DON'T want to face it, not to write about it, not to sort it out, not to make sense of it...alone....because alone is the fear.   Not having support has ALWAYS been my story....and I am tired of people telling me things like, "when I stop looking I'll find what I've been searching for". 

I really need to be able to say how I feel about things and have my feelings validated, because the moment I do, the fear goes away...but all I have in my head is my conditioning of how I'm wrong and bad, and a mistake...so how am I supposed to fight through that and validate myself? And yet I do. 

Someone told me today I have extremely high levels of intrapersonal intelligence, and that comforted me.  To be seen and recognized, and told it's a skill - not a weakness.  I'm on another consciousness than most people, who are too afraid to look or to explore or to change. I'm doing the work and that is what is separating me from everyone else.  I also did breathwork today, and was seen and heard again.  I'm real good on the self care, I just need the supportive care - and it's a need I've had since childhood. 

[Eireanne]

For me right now, I recognize my task of documenting what happened at work brings up SO much trauma for me I can't even do it (but I'm insanely self-aware) and recognized I needed to be able to tell someone what was going on with me just to be told "yes, that makes sense, you're not crazy" so I can keep going. Right now (today/this week) I am opening up separate word docs and compartmentalizing every aspect of the things that come up for me, so any time I have a trigger I can remind myself/tell someone what is upsetting me so they can validate it - and that makes the trigger....lose power?

I recognized this morning, my own inability to get any of my "friends" to sit with me and really let me tell them what happened is part of the reason I am still holding onto so much. It's finding the right support - finding this forum was like a needle in a haystack for me really, but once I found it and know there are a bunch of people I can vent to about what is really bothering me and they say, Yes, I have been there too...it helps.

In trying to work through my trauma, a lot of what comes up is individual friends who have let me down, and not been the friend I needed.  It's exacerbated by constantly reading articles on how important social support is to trauma survivors, and to feel like they are in a safe space and heard...So I have been focusing on one friend and how the constant not being heard eventually created a trauma response, and I wrote her...and sent it.  It brought up a lot of stuff to me about what a friend is.  I had another friend, I've already gotten closure on that ended friendship...except I guess I 100% haven't?  Her home became a safe space so I could work through my trauma and we could talk about hard things...and I had mentioned to her group of friends how I wish *I* had friends, and all of them were like, "but we are your friends!  You should add us on Facebook!" and that's just it - that's how most people view friendship. 

I said, my facebook feed is currently status updates of what this one friend (the one whose house I was in at the time) is doing...I've never found social media a way to feel connected and yet that's everyone's suggestion, follow this group, or add this person and then you can feel like you have friends.  For me, reading social media is a huge trigger of feeling like The Little Match Girl - watching someone else have a life while I'm sitting home alone.  My FB - I only had around 12 friends...most of those people haven't even spoken to me in over a year.  So to be told how they have supportive family and friends and are having incredible life experiences while I'm sitting home, alone, struggling to heal in isolation...These aren't friends.  A friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.  A friend shows up.  A friend doesn't let you sit alone with your trauma. 

And I recognize what I need most.  It's not to be told how to think, or that I shouldn't feel that way, it's to be allowed to feel my feelings and I've never had that. Since childhood people have been telling me the way I think and feel is wrong...but every fiber in my being, when I reach out and ask for the help I need from the people who know me best is rejection, that what I'm asking for is wrong, that to be an "adult" you only talk about your successes and you suppress any other thoughts, or you are "mindful" and you let your thoughts go by without attaching meaning to it - well the ONLY thing my brain cares about right now is wanting to tell my story and have someone say, yes. I acknowledge that. Just the way you said it.  You aren't wrong.

I feel like it's more I'm outgrowing some friendships, and distancing myself from things that no longer serve me, but with it comes grief, of things ending...only for me, there are so many things ending, so many things I'm getting closure from...even TV shows...and I can't understand it, and I'm lost and confused and sad and scared...because out of all the things that are ending, there isn't anything beginning except more nothingness.  And I've felt like I've had nothing my entire life, so this time the nothingness feels excruciating.  And still I end things and find closure, because I need to heal...

During the pandemic, the closest thing I had to friends was watching YouTube videos...Worth It was one of them...I love Andrew and Steven...and I discovered that their last upload was their series finale...sigh.

I realize over and over the "insert something to make you feel better" things make me feel worse because no one has been allowing me to just FEEL my feelings. I DO have a right to be lonely, and angry, and rejected....my feelings are valid.  My story is valid.  My frustrations are valid...but I can't validate them in my own head while I'm also trying to undo a lifetime of being told that everything I love about me is wrong and needs to be fixed.  That the reasons why I am alone is because I'm "othered" when in reality I have amazing qualities that are being completely missed because no one wants to take the time to allow me to be vulnerable with them enough to share my story - so I can feel that sense of validation, because that's what I need right now. 

I completely recognize it's not my fault and it's not their fault, it just IS...but I need to be ABLE to say how I feel in a safe space where I won't immediately be told that "I am enough". 

[Armee]

It really hurts when people are not what we need them to be. When I was grappling with coming to terms with a particularly difficult trauma I have honestly never ever felt so very alone because it felt like it was something I could not talk about with anyone ever except my therapist and that was not nearly enough. It was the most isolated I've ever felt and it felt awful. I'm sorry that something similar is happening with you, with the added difficulty that the lack of support itself is a trauma trigger and not just a bad feeling.

[rainydiary]

I resonate with the challenge of having social support and also finding social support difficult to trust and difficult to find validation within.  I appreciate the work you are doing.

[Eireanne]

I *may* have already said this here, but I'm putting it down again as I work through everything else

I self-identify as a highly sensitive person that has been dealing with chronic social isolation and complex PTSD for most of my life. 

I keep getting told I'm extremely self aware.  I've felt like I had to be.  I have only myself to talk to, I spend all my time being my own therapist, checking myself for understanding only...I can no longer articulate what it is I need...which then loops around to my core wound of not being heard.  *I* recognize this, and it's this I want to connect with someone about...to help me process it, because I can't keep educating and advocating for myself, I don't have the physical or mental capacity to.  My experience has been I need to meet people where they are, and I want for once for someone to meet me where *I* am and check for understanding so we can start off on the right foot and not waste any time, because time is a big core wound.

CBT is just telling me I need to change my way of thinking, my way of thinking is wrong I need to accept the things other people want me to think because then I'll be happy and I keep saying NO, I need to be heard.

Even before the pandemic, I didn't have the words to express how this presented for me.  I didn't have the connections with others to be able to process what this felt like for me, and how it was causing me to react in day-to-day life.  The chronic social isolation presents itself as a craving for human connection, but it was a craving I couldn't identify...what everyone else seemed to have that I didn't.  I imagined that everyone around me could sense that I had some fundamental part of me missing, and society tends to be repulsed by that which they are unfamiliar with, so all my attempts to connect were often met with rejection. 

I was watching an interview with Viola Davis and Oprah, and she said this thing that stuck with me:  I didn't have the tools to figure it out on my own...and then I was ashamed that I didn't have the tools to figure it out on my own...so all I had, all I could do was swim in the shame. 

As I discover and research and explore, it brings up a lot of trauma for me.  As the trauma is brought up, I discover/educate/research trauma and how that looks like for me.  I recognize most people hear what I say and filter it through their own experiences, so they make assumptions based on their understanding, which may not be accurate.  For me to say I have PTSD, people perhaps imagine a veteran in a war, maybe there was an explosion, maybe I get scared easily during thunderstorms.  Again, the pandemic showed me that unless you have lived the experience, you can never really understand how it expresses itself in another person. 

I also am aware that everyone is dealing with their own trauma in their own way. 

I feel I know what my basic needs are.  I feel like I articulate them accurately.  I feel I assess someone else's capability to meet my needs and do my best to meet them where they are.

_______________________________________________________________________

At the start of this journey, I had written: my biggest issue right now is that I have no conscious awareness of anything right now, and I don't know how to put that into words (I didn't know what I didn't know - I'm still not quite sure how to explain that to someone else).  I say something and I can't remember what I just said.  My thoughts get stuck in a loop and I just think and think and think and sometimes I write them down, but I'm also dealing with acute isolation.  and active PTSD,  so that's my baseline and I couldn't figure out how to make healthy meals, there were too many steps involved and doing things like getting dressed and leaving the house were too hard (spoon theory).  Most days leaving my bedroom was really hard because of the fear that she (my abuser) might need something (hypervigilance and appeasing my abuser).  I couldn't put a name to it, I had no one else to bounce ideas off of so I could work through it and process it.  And I was told how great this was, how strong I was, and how I was smart enough to figure it out by myself, I just had to believe in myself more, or love myself more.  and so I knew trying to process my trauma with anyone caused them to stop being my friend, and it further exacerbated the loop, as well as the isolation. 

[Armee]

CBT is just telling me I need to change my way of thinking, my way of thinking is wrong I need to accept the things other people want me to think because then I'll be happy and I keep saying NO, I need to be heard.. 

This has been my experience of CBT too and many other people's experience as well. It is really not suited for complex PTSD at all and furthers the damage.

It has also been my experience that most people do not know how to respond to someone with PTSD and trauma. It is extremely isolating when you have a need to have other people understand you. My husband is learning to understand over the years. There is not a single other person in my life who does get it, besides my therapist.

Luckily there are more trauma informed therapists out there who are starting to truly understand complex trauma and how to treat it. CBT therapists generally think they know how to treat trauma and are blind to the shortcomings and make you feel like it's all your fault you aren't getting better.  That isn't true.

This stuff is complex. It is alienating. Keep opening up here as long as it is useful for you because we do get it. We may not get everything all the time in the right way but we understand the nature of the beast we are all dealing with. 

[sanmagic7]

as armee said, this is the nature of the beast - the isolation, feeling of not being heard, difficulty explaining ourselves to ourselves and others - trauma causes so much distortion in our brains, as you already know. i give you so much credit for the research you've done, the learning about the beast and the brain.  i've found it helps to know sometimes.  keep going, EA.  love and hugs

[Eireanne]

I was part of this virtual meditation group with people that were the closest thing I had to a sense of connection with another human being.  One hour a week, with a little round robin at the beginning and end, so I had about 5 minutes a week where I could feel heard and the sense that even though everyone has different problems, we are all struggling with something.  Their words would resonate with me, the feeling of connection and there was something I could do about it, made me feel I was working on my healing.  Only I wasn't healing and I couldn't understand why...I tried addressing my feelings of isolation with the woman who ran the meditation session in a private discussion after class, but she invalidated my feelings and basically told me I was just depressed and needed to love myself more.  I wrestled with how to respond to her in a way that I could be understood and attempted to set up a meeting with her and her sister (they run their little meditation/yoga company together) and she was not available, but I talked to her sister and well...her sister's response was that I should just join al-anon and find a support group for co-dependent people.  Sigh. 

In response to that sister, I sent her a youtube video on loneliness and what to do when a friend says they are lonely.  She thanked me and said, "I appreciate you helping me grow and sending me material that teaches me how to hold space better for others, especially when they feel lonely.  Of course our intentions are to help by suggesting solutions, but I understand now that sometimes, if not all the time, others just want to be seen and heard, not fixed." But never actually spoke to me again after that email. (March 22nd)

The "meditation" sister (the one who assumes I'm just depressed) texted me yesterday to ask if I've gone to a support group yet, and if not reminded me I should come to their meditation class...and that she was thinking about me.  So today, in the "hard work" that I am doing, I found some newsletters of theirs I had saved, because at the time it was worth coming back to and wanted to re-visit it when I had time to process.  However, in my new lens of being at a completely different level of consciousness with them, I am now using their very own words against them, as I am letting go of things that no longer serve me. 

What do we truly need? To connect with another human being What brings us joy? Being heard, being validated, being seen When do we feel the most balanced? When someone understands me What do we need to feel complete? Social support. 

It took some time and a lot of energy, but eventually we got to a place where we could confidently answer those questions. And we continue to ask them regularly to check in with ourselves.  So proud of you for finally figuring this out for yourself, whereas my answers have remained the same since childhood.  

The rest is just BS, so I deleted it and started re-writing this one:

For many of us, it's been years since we've had any kind of social interaction. Warm gestures like hugging, kissing, conversations, and patting each other on the back are non-existent.  The only physical touch we receive is from a doctor's exam.  

Christie Kederian notes, "physical touch is a basic human need that we crave."    

1. Check in with Yourself - Accept your feelings of chronic isolation and take a deep breath. Recognize that no matter how you attempt to explain to someone what you are experiencing, they do not share this live experience and have absolutely NO frame of reference for it, and no conscious awareness within themselves of what this means.  Understand that these friends you thought you had will not be able to Give You their Full Attention.  This interaction is not important to them, because allostatis prevents them from exerting any resources on you. Their brains are less inclined to use up precious resources in making difficult predictions, because you do not mean much to them. 

They will not Strive to Understand.  They will not attempt to validate you are saying. Your feelings, thoughts, and reactions do NOT make sense to them based on their situation and context.

They cannot Focus you.  This is not their fault.  You will not feel validated, respected, and seen—they are not wired with the intention to be curious, or capable of asking open-ended questions.

Oh and this one:

How to soothe ourselves and heal.

The tools we have reached for are therapy, meditation, podcasts, and self-help books.  It's an uncomfortable road to go down and we aren't used to those feelings.  We are still in the process of letting go of lots of things, but we have shifted our perspectives and realize now that there's not a single goal we are moving towards but instead a lifelong process with many milestones.

The weight of continuous mental lecturing can be lifted with practice and this shift in perspective is a gift of freedom. One of our most recent tools to help us shift our perspective and continue our healing journeys is The Rich Roll Podcast-Light Watkins: Doing the Work is the Shortcut (WARNING: It's a loooong podcast but there are some real gems in here!).

Basically, all of their tools and their advice is to do the hard work on your own.  Their advice to me every week was to remind myself that I AM ENOUGH.  And when I countered with, "but what about my social needs that aren't being met?" those thoughts were invalidated, because they are surrounded with love and support, from each other, their families, their coworkers, their community...and they can't comprehend what never experiencing that, except from an occasional periphery feels like, and it's not their fault, because they haven't ever had ONLY their own mind, and their own level of understanding to get through a situation.  None of them have.  They haven't had to DO the work.  And I give them the grace and understanding that they cannot give me what I need.