Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

Much needed Moondance, thank you


Part of me wanted to delete this...but the other part needs it here as a reminder...or something.  At least for now? Unsure

Possible Trigger Warnings - as usual.


2011
Dear EA, so here's my apology.

You were the best thing to happen to me in a very bad time. Did I treasure your friendship and your love? I didn't. I used you, I ignored you, I abused you.

I regret everything I ever did to you, I genuinely regret what I did. You're a smart beautiful loving woman and you didn't deserve what I did to you and what I put you through.

I am sorry, utterly and genuinely. My hope is that you can accept this apology but I can also understand if you can't.


2012 (not editing his typos, sorry in advance)

i'd rather have you as a friend than not, you're a great person, i didn't value you atall and i only realised i should have when you were gone.  i don't deserve your friendship, i'm sure you don't even want to give it. so it's up to you. i want to start again, no i'm in a good place.

i missed talking to you

I like being understood

i see (in you) some one thats easy to talk to (when you're not being cryptic)

i think i was freaked out about some one caring enough to do that, so i just went with my normal knee jerk response to anything like that and just made fun of it

i want you to stay

i think you're a genuinely good person who dosnt make ghreat decisions (like the decision to continue listening to this sociopath)


Why does everyone leave me without a second thought?
I want to know why
Just once I'd like to be the girl that gets to be happy
and I really thought I could be, but I was just being stupid as usual.

Why is this all I attract? And when I say, no, I know I deserve better...they slip back to the sewer they slithered out of and I'm painfully alone again. 

He said You are not a person to forget or to treat as I have treated you recently, but he did it anyway. 

I just don't understand


I guess it's kind of funny to you, that the same thing happens to me over and over again. Which is why I ask that if that's all that's going to happen with us, then please just quit while you're ahead, because I give up, I can't keep doing this.
I'm really bummed, I'm trying so hard to do everything to get my sh*t together and sh*t keeps falling apart on me.
I just wanted to talk to someone who makes me smile, someone who understands me


Me: The only thing I've ever wanted from you is friendship, and I didn't think it was too much to ask for.

Him: It isn't atall - to have someone who understands you...*, you've understood me when I didn't even understand myself.  You have no idea how rare that is for me.

Not sure if I ever sent this to him, but this is what I found in my journal:

Wow...Let me start off by saying how delighted and surprised I was to receive your apology back in July.  What exactly are you sorry for exactly?  Was it saying that I was pathetic and I should do everyone a favor and kill myself? Or wait, was it that one year ago you also claimed a heartfelt apology? I really wish I had saved that one, because it was truly a masterpiece.  You outdid yourself with that one, this year's pales in comparison.  You're not sorry, stop trying to convince yourself that you are.  Sorry isn't just a word, it's an action.

As for your hey, wow...holy sh*t, yeah...you're right. I am amazing, and fantastic and a truly beautiful person inside and out. Just about the best thing that ever happened to you was the fact that I truly made an effort to be a friend to you.  Everyone knows it, and I think deep down, a part of you does too, which is why that even after 2 years, you are still looking for ways to talk to me.  You'll never meet anyone as incredible as me, and you f-ed it up.


2013
Him: I came to the realisation that you were probably my best friend... awkwardly enough, Or at least the only person to care enough to notice I was a mess

Me: Do you know that 2 years ago, you called me up repeatedly, and then got mad at me for not answering. So you cursed me out

and then I was like, ok fine, what do you want, and you said you wanted to apologize, but you didn't know how, because you never felt the need to apologize to anyone before.

So I told you to figure it out, and you did. And I asked you to put it in writing, and you did. So I said I'd give you another chance if you'd do two things for me. You said you would.

Me: I lied. Because it's what I did, alot

Me: And so I let you talk to me, but it was more of the same bs, only easier to recognize since I had already been through the worst with you, and I had no feelings left.

Him: It scares me that I'm probably a sociopath.

Me: I put up with so much from you, because I know how it feels when you're trying to get your * together and so many people give up on you, and I'm nothing but a joke to you. You didn't let me down, you f*ing broke me.

Him: I know an apology is meaningless

Me: You have no idea how your cruelty ripped me apart. You killed a part of me. and now you want what? Another chance to hurt me more in the guise of you're working hard on bettering yourself?


He contacted me again, and I talked to him again briefly.  His newest lie is that he has a plant and a dog that he's learning to care for (that's from a movie) and he's been diagnosed as autistic, so that explains away all the sociopathic behavior (it doesn't) so I blocked him, but then briefly unblocked him bc I truly wanted to understand why after literally 10 years men still reach out to me like this...this isn't an isolated case, this is literally my lived existence and I need to understand WHY, but all he could ask was "why did you block me?" and now the world may never know. 

[Eireanne]

and SCA who I truly believe(d) was my soulmate and was just another in a long line of people who broke my heart

2012

EA,
No, it is not easy to walk out of your life.
My silence has been the result of not knowing how to approach you with what has transpired in my life.
As I write this I am at a loss for words, torn and not sure how to express what I am feeling without seeming callous or horrible.
So I will just try to express the facts.
You were right, I (details redacted). When you asked me a little over a month ago if such a thing would happen, should I (details redacted), I was confused and a bit hurt. I had no idea that I would indeed meet somebody who could change my life so drastically.

I am so very sorry that I haven't been in communication, that I haven't checked in on you, and that I didn't tell you immediately. Please forgive me that.

Your friendship has meant a great deal to me, and our bond over the past year has been a blessing. You are not a person to forget or to treat as I have treated you recently. As I have said, I didn't know how to approach you.

I am sorry. I'm sorry to have hurt you, to have ignored you and that this is where we stand now.

Sincerely,
sca


All this time I thought it was me. Something I did to annoy you, to drive you away.  It was just you.  Doing what everyone else I care for does.  Leaving for a better version.  When you first met me, and you said I was distant? That I had walls? That I held everyone at arms length? I should have NEVER let you get close to me, to embark on this attempt at happiness with you, because THIS is what it gets me.  More heartbreak.  You have no idea the damage you've done.  And what's more, I don't even have my best friend to talk to anymore, you've taken that from me as well.  The saddest part is, I saw this coming, so a big F me for being psychic.  Thanks for not even giving us a fair chance.  I'm really sorry you didn't think I was even worth that.  Don't worry, I don't blame you.  This is it for me. I'm done.  Goodbye.

10 years of friendship, companionship, confidences shared.  10 years of me being there for you throughout your numerous doubts, insecurities and breakdowns.  10 years of us growing closer, and building trust and friendship, and deciding together to venture into unknown territory together, even though the thought scared me.  After all the pain, abuse and hurt I have been through, that you know too well. You know me better than anyone, I have never let anyone get as close to me as I have you.  I really thought communication, trust, mutual desire, loving care, respect, teamwork was what was needed for a healthy relationship, what I thought I had with you.  I DON'T forgive you.  You didn't have the common courtesy, the decency to be straight with me, you left me in the dark.  You were and continue to be a coward, ending things with me via FACEBOOK, I don't warrant the respect of a phone call?  All the congratulations you are receiving at your newfound happiness, you do NOT deserve it.  That is my happiness you stole from me.  Console yourself with the fact you used me, and rationalize that I'm just upset and I'll get over it eventually....like I have every other time.  Congratulate yourself for treating me like every other person I've let down my walls for.  Feel great that because of your treatment of you, which you yourself admitted I don't deserve, that I now am convinced the universe only taunts me with happiness, but I've learned the lesson. I will never make the mistake again of trusting anyone, believing I'm loveable, or worthy of anything.  Because you threw me away like garbage.  I'm sure my reaction to this betrayal will no doubt convince you you've made the right decision, that my anger isn't justified, and you'll rationalize yourself out of believing you had anything to do with this...I'm sick to my stomach and disgusted at the very thought of you.  


I sent him a brief message about a year ago, telling him I forgave him.  I still think about him and really want to write him a letter...eventually.  But I need to get rid of all the other "men" who have hurt me first.

Fun times. 

[Eireanne]

As a Personal communicator, you value emotional language and connection, and use that as your mode of discovering what others are really thinking.

You find value in assessing not just how people think, but how they feel. You tend to be a good listener and diplomat, you can smooth over conflicts, and you're typically concerned with the health of your numerous relationships. (or lack thereof)

One big plus of having a Personal communication style is that your communication allows you to build deep personal relationships with others.

People will often turn to you as the 'glue' that holds groups together. And you're typically able to pick-up 'vibes' that others may miss because you're attuned to the emotional aspect of communication.

The potential downside of having a Personal communication style is that you may occasionally be derided as 'touchy-feely.' For example, when dealing with Analytical communicators (people who like data, hard numbers, logical discussions, and dislike that 'warm-and-fuzzy' stuff), it's possible for Personal communicators to become exasperated and emotionally upset.

[Eireanne]

Job insecurity, triggered by years of trying to be a teacher and failing, and then failing at my first non-teaching job and panicking about getting my position eliminated, and having it actually happen.  When it did, people say, "when your worst fears come to life, they usually aren't as bad as you imagined" well my experience was worse than I could have ever imagined at the time...things just kept going from bad to worse for 10 years.  

Negative skew - wasn't entirely bad, was able to change perspective - need to change perspective on all of that. 

I had just lost my job teaching, and didn't want to teach anymore.  I felt the only transferable skills I had were that of an admin, so I put together a resume, with my skills listed at the top and I started applying to jobs.  This one recruiter met with me, circled the skills I had listed and said, "this - this is what we are looking for" and I interviewed with x and was offered the job.  They had just moved to a bigger space, and the admin they had was completely overwhelmed and burnt out and they needed someone immediately to start and cut her workload.  They were giving her a few weeks leave to recuperate and wanted me fully onboarded and ready to support her when she got back.  They were so worried about me, are we throwing you in the deep end? Are you going to walk out on us? No, of course not.  My father raised me to be a team player, to do what it takes to get the job done, to put everyone else's needs first because saving for retirement is the most important thing and don't worry that you don't have a life now, it's all for the greater good of having security once you're old enough to not be able to find a job again, you need to get in NOW while you're young and still pretty, because you'll be replaced by a younger shinier version.  That's what happened to my dad, and my grandpa, so I hold onto all this generational trauma of not having enough money to retire with.  

I desperately wanted to be married so I would have a dual income, someone to help when I had decision fatigue, someone that took the burden off me so I didn't have to do it alone.  I was working through all of that, while trying not to lose my sh*t at work.  I wasn't aware then, but I am now that I'm neurodiverse - not autistic, but I do need accommodations.  Simple things, like being able to record meetings, because I may not catch everything when trying to take notes, especially if they are unfamiliar terms or acronyms - it causes dysregulation in me to not be able to have context for the tasks I am given - when specific questions regarding logistics are not responded to, I find it harder to support that individual, I don't have the capacity to play detective when I'm doing the job of eight people.  


So now I'm coming full circle.  Still attracting the same kind of men, the same kind of jobs (that I'll be eliminated from anyway) only now I'm "old" and there's no place in the world for me anymore...not that there ever was.

[Eireanne]

I feel very cyclic. When something tragic happens, I feel as if I have lost all the ground I've gained, need to retract and nurse my wounds, then I try again, and it takes me a while to get back to where I was before I lost it.

I am working on making changes today that I want to put in place tomorrow.  It's a lot of hard work, and at times I get discouraged, but I keep pushing myself. 

Again...these statements are timeless, I've been saying the same thing my entire life...why can't I figure out what to do differently so I stop getting the same results?

[Eireanne]

I've been in survival mode for as long as you've known me.  I've basically had to figure out how to support myself, with limited resources and no support from anyone since I was 16 years old.  I'm not good at it.  I struggle.  I have spent so long being unemployed, with no health insurance, no ability to get my basic needs met that when I interview it's from a place of desperation, saying whatever it is they want to hear for them to give me a chance...before I landed this (last)job, I was working a sh*t temp job that had just ended, while covering rent for both me and the thing I was still living with at the time...all while he was actively cheating on me (I mentioned how he wasn't even kind enough to be discreet about it).  Supporting the both of us, dealing with being in an abusive relationship...really not the best mindset to be marketing myself to get the kind of job I want...not just that, but I never have been allowed the space to even THINK about what my strengths are, I'm just trying to get a job to get my bills paid so I won't be homeless...and I had applied/interviewed and been rejected by hundreds of places before X hired me. 

This job, this is the longest I've ever held down a job.  3 years on Feb 17th They eliminated my position just under 6 months later.  So no, I don't know how to even think about what options might be out there for me, I've never had that opportunity. 

[Eireanne]

Effects of Toxic Parenting

Growing up in a dysfunctional family can lead to an equally dysfunctional adulthood. You may encounter problems such as:

Having a hard time saying no because your boundaries weren't respected
Becoming more susceptible to developing anxiety disorders
Working hard to please others to fit in
Having a hard time being your authentic self
Having a high tolerance for poor treatment from others
Self-sabotaging
Believing people close to you will hurt you or abandon you
Expecting the worst from people and life in general
Possibly developing an insecure or avoidant attachment style in your relationships

You are also susceptible to mirroring the same negative behaviors as your parents due to triggers. You might not even realize the full capacity of the toxic behaviors that you grew up with because those behaviors were all you knew, what you learned, and what you considered normal. You grew up not knowing anything different and may have even begun to believe that you deserved to be treated this way.

Healing comes from a place of understanding. I know that it can be difficult to "unlearn" the toxic patterns of behaviors that you grew up around, but you can overcome them. You can eventually separate yourself from your parents, change yourself for the better, and set boundaries that work for you.

[Eireanne]

And something I wrote just a few months ago:

I get upset when I ask someone for an accommodation and they dismiss it.  And it's been happening my entire life, in different forms, because my needs have never been met. Autonomy, being able to set boundaries, being able to do the things I need to do to ensure my basic needs are getting met....and it's infuriating and invalidating that I have been telling this to doctors and co-workers and friends for years, only I didn't have the vocabulary for it, because the research about stuff like this is only now being understood. 

[Eireanne]

... All the times that I felt like this won't end
It's for you
And I taste what I could never have
It was from you
All the times that I've cried
My intentions were full of pride
But I waste more time than anyone

... But I'm on the outside, I'm looking in
I can see through you, see your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly, you're ugly like me
I can see through you, see to the real you

... All the times that I've cried
All this wasted, it's all inside
And I feel all this pain
Stuffed it down, it's back again
And I lie here in bed
All alone, I can't mend
But I feel tomorrow will be okay

[Eireanne]

Because I had never let go of my pain in regards to having (no) friends, I was unconsciously replicating an environment of not having friends. My ego was doing its job of protecting me. I know that because I had held onto the sadness, sorrow and hurt from losing my past friendships, this filled the energetic space where my next friendship will manifest.

So this week, I am allowing myself to grieve and let go of this pain. I let go of my friends who were indifferent so that I could really grieve the loss. I thank them for their reflection so that I could face this pain so I can one day look forward to finding my next friend.

When you think about an existing relationship, do you find your mind focusing on the disappointments...the pain of not having what you want in the relationship? This is the energy you must release in order to allow the energy of love to come in. While you can hold both love and fear at the same time, what shows up in your life is a reflection of that mixture.

If you want to create a new relationship, this is difficult until you have let go of pain that is attached to either your own past relationships or even those you may have witnessed.

Realize that if you had never held any negative energy about relationships, you would have created what you desired already. It's time to let go, grieve our losses and create a vibrational space within us of what we desire. The more we practice the thought of what we want as if it is happening right now, the more we attract this into our lives.

[Eireanne]

Something else I found in my old journal

I feel like such a pathetic, selfish baby, but I don't want to be all alone. Now if something goes wrong I won't have anyone to help me, and I can't very well TELL her if something is wrong, I'm just going to have to lie and say everything is fine and try to figure out how to fix things on my own. That's what S said, I need to give my mom a break so she can enjoy her own life, cuz all she does is worry about me, so I can't give her anything to worry about.

I can't talk to my GF anymore, because L gets jealous, and besides she's got her own problems, and I can't just keep being the one with all the problems...so people will see me and say what's wrong now, that's how I lost M. He just saw me as always having a problem...and I guess that's all I am. Doomed to be alone. Just me and my chores to keep me busy when everyone else is busy with a life. And from now on I have to make an effort not to tell anyone about my problems, I'll just write them down...even if someone says if you want, you can talk to me...they don't mean it, cuz that's what M said, and stupid me believed him.

The truth is, no one cares about me, everyone only cares about themselves, and everyone would be better off if I just said everything was fine. Always happy, never anything wrong with me, fake, perky me. No more being honest, no more opening up, just asking about anyone else and seeing if I can do anything...never asking for help myself. I'll just have to learn how to figure out things for myself, or die trying.

[Eireanne]

Try hard to transcend the concept that you are alone. Your destiny may be such that at certain times in your life you will have to walk your path without anyone at your side. By accepting this fact you will become strengthened and gain inner knowledge.

[Eireanne]

More really old journal stuff...

I'm just gonna type here...if it doesn't make sense to you, skip over this. I'm typing to get it down, not to have it make sense.

I had my appointment on Saturday, and we went to go visit myself 20 years from now. I got a chance to talk to myself, and ask myself questions, but what was there more than anything else was my grandmother. So here I was talking to myself, and I want to know more about my grandmother, so my dad calls. I'm like, great that you called, because I want to talk to you, but I'm sorta in the middle of something now, can I call you back when I'm done...skipping to the calling of my dad...

So I call my dad back and I ask him to tell me more about my grandmother. I know who she is NOW, but I want to know who she was, and my dad has NEVER told me stories before. It was really hard to keep him focused, but I learned so much.

He told me that he was spoiled as a child, and that my aunt would often cry that he always got his way and that she wasn't listened to...sounded vaguely familiar/familial. I asked him why he thought this was, and he said it's because he was skinny, and I guess his parents were worried about him, and wanted to protect him. He doesn't remember how, but he says he had a way of wearing them down until he had his way. He also said that my aunt got married and moved out when he was only 12, so it was hard for him to recall, and that also the reason he went away to camp was because my grandmother was already getting sick.

My grandfather worked in the equivalent of a sweat shop and did everything he could so that my dad wouldn't follow in his footsteps, and his proudest day was when he got a job at the phone company.

I kept trying to redirect him to telling me about his mother though, so finally he told me. She was a stay at home mom, as most women were back in the day. She cooked, and cleaned, and made sure he was always fed. I remember that about her as well, always making sure you weren't hungry, but not in an "Italian mother" sort of pushing way. She did as much as she could until she got sick, then she didn't have the energy to do a lot. She was kind, and selfless, and always put everyone first.

As an aside, he told me that his therapist is actual of some use...and that ALL my insecurities - the things I complain about, is what my mom is going through now. All that growing up thinking my opinion didn't count for sh*t, and I wasn't good enough, all of that is from my mom...so my brother is my dad, and I'm my mom.

So overwhelming to process.

[Eireanne]

From several lifetimes ago...

My body is a road map of scars, each one bearing a name. I am filled with flaws and imperfections, never living up to the standards that I or anyone else I've encountered seem to be able to live up to. There is a burden on my heart so heavy I feel as if I'm drowning.

All of my recollections are of people I've loved deciding I'm not worthy of them. My greatest fear is that I will die before I'm loved unconditionally, unequivocally, and without judgement, yet what I'm doing now you can't really consider living.

Not sure who said this, but the details let me know this was around 2006?

I would think that your teaching skill, what the children were learning and if the parents were happy with their academic progress would be the important issues and not whether or not you got along with co-workers. You are or were there to teach after all were you not? If they fired everyone that didn't get along with co-workers and most schools I've been in, there wouldn't be many people left to teach. I've seen some extremely incompetent teachers over the years that had no business teaching that continued to teach year after year, and everyone knew how incompetent they were and nothing was done about it. I bet you were shocked. I am so sorry that happened to you. They lost a very good teacher even if they don't realize it. Your co-workers must have been a bunch of whining, tattle-talers, that were impossible to work with most of the time. It must have been miserable trying to work with them as they had to be very close-minded.

A good friend of mine once mentioned that I was hard to get to know, as if I kept myself at a distance, and kept things to myself instead of opening myself up to him. Before the accident I would have remembered verbatim what it was he said, but these days, I can't recall things people say to me right after they say it, and it's a shame too, because some people have told me some delightful things over the years.

I found myself thinking about his words earlier today. I know the meaning behind them, but I also know that I'm too quick to open up, too trusting, too prone to sharing things with people when things were better left unsaid. I've also known years of letting people in and having them get to know me, then when they find the 'real me' they discover I wasn't all they imagined, and so they abandon me.

I think I'm a shell of the person I used to be, or maybe I'm imagining myself as someone I am not. I don't know who I am anymore, and the things I know about myself...I don't like very much. How do you take a ball of THAT and make it marketable to an entirely new field of employ, let alone a social setting?

See the thing is, I finally stopped being afraid of myself, and I'm totally in tune with things now. I am SO aware that a LOT of people are not going to like it, and I could care less...because at the end of it all, the people that stick by me are the ones who are worth it, those that I would be proud to consider a friend. You want to be one of those people? Then be a good friend, like you truly know how to do. You want to misread the situation and think I'm purposely trying to stir up animosity? Then you don't really know me at all.

It's so sad to read that now and see how nothing is changed.  I still excelled at my job, but was eliminated. I still think a scapegoat and not well liked...It's hard not to start feeling lost in all this.

[Eireanne]

Probably from the same time period...

Today I found out I'm an even worse person than I previously thought I was. I didn't think there could be anything less than worthless. I've sunk to a new low. I project aspects of me that aren't even close to who I believe myself to be, and if people see those sides of me that aren't even close to who I am, then maybe I've been wrong about myself the whole entire time. I am a totally despicable person. All of the positive aspects of my personality I assumed I have were just lies. Now, more than ever it makes total sense why no one wants to be bothered with me, why I'll never have someone who wants to fight for me, who thinks I'm worth anything. I just have to resign myself to the fact that I'll always be alone. Why would anyone else like me, when I loathe myself? I've been given a life and wasted it. I realize now I never will have anything I longed for. Everything I touch turns to sh*t. I am surrounded by negativity and discord, and people are better off without me. There's nothing left for me to do but give up.