Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

More old thoughts...

no one ever believed in me and made any effort to show me that I was capable of anything.

I'm so disheartened, and I feel trapped. There's this weight on my chest that I can't talk about or share with anyone, because it's trapped inside and I can't put it into words.

I can't help but think that if I was just SMARTER, I wouldn't have ended up like this. I feel that my whole life has amounted to nothing. I doubt my ability to be successful at anything.

I know what I need to do, I understand how to fix this.  But the thought alone...I'm not even talking about the deed...the mere thought paralyzes me.  Too many of my recent thoughts have a sort of paralysis lately, and I am becoming someone undependable due to these things.  It only amplifies the spiral I am caught in. 

[Eireanne]

"We are an encouragement-starved culture. We're so busy in our "practical" thinking that we forget one huge truth: People thrive when they are encouraged!"

Encouragers know that encouragement doesn't mean you just tell people to "buck up" or "get over it." They know how to listen. This means looking at the speaker, listening to her, setting agendas and judgments aside, and honoring the speaker as a wise soul.

Avoiding clichés is actually a result of actively listening to someone. Being an extreme encourager doesn't mean that you blindly tell people "You can do it!" or "Let go of fear!" It's deeper than that. It's seeing the truth of the other person, especially when they cannot.

We all have voices that tell us we can't, or we shouldn't, or we'll fail, or we'll look stupid. An encourager doesn't focus on those voices because she knows they're trying to hook her. An encourager simply acknowledges that the voices are there and that you can't make them go away by arguing with them. An encourager knows that those voices aren't the truth. They only SEEM like the truth.

An encourager knows that we are all wise and that sometimes we make choices that might not seem so wise. An extreme encourager calls out our deepest desires and then helps us see the thoughts and fears that hold us back.

Extreme encouragers are often mystics of sorts. They know that the so-called "woo-woo" stuff is more real than the so-called "logical" stuff. They celebrate the divine as a simple fact of everyday existence and don't get caught up in the "prove it" mindset.

In other words, she knows you're ready now, even if you're not perfect yet. Most of the successful people I know developed these traits as they went. I certainly did. Encouragers understand the huge potential for growth in each human, especially when someone begins to follow her heart.

[Eireanne]

Advice I got after an incident that happened...in which as usual I become a scapegoat and lost all my "friends" .



ok, first of all i want to say that it does not even remotely appear like you did anything wrong at that party to cause all of these bizarre reactions. it sounds to me like you were just trying to enjoy yourself and have a relaxed and fun time without getting weighed down by any external negativity. i can't imagine how it could possibly cause so much drama, no matter what it may be.

if i had to guess, i would say that these people were reacting to what they perceived as a change in your personality/social behaviour. i also have a strong suspicion that one or more of them deliberately fabricated this nonsense about you for some reason (as opposed to them actually believing that things happened the way they say it did)...probably jealousy, or perhaps there was some kind of misunderstanding that you were unaware of and the person/s in question childishly lashed out at you instead of just approaching you and trying to clear things up & make their feelings known to you. it always seems to me that at least half the problems in any given relationship are caused by a lack of communication and clarity—for example, one person misunderstands something that they saw or heard, and then begins to speculate & make assumptions and lets the issue fester instead of saying something to the other person and trying to work it out.
and i don't wish to judge anyone, but i will say that the whole dynamic of this group of people seems doomed to create constant, needless drama. :/

as far as that particular girl and her boyfriend (who apparently confirmed her dislike for you without elaborating? what the f...?!), if salvaging the friendship matters to you at this point you could always approach and calmly ask them what the problem is. it sounds like there isn't much to lose at this point, and at least you would know what the f is wrong with them—sorry, i mean how they feel (assuming they're honest with you—and themselves—about it).

i say f all of those people right in the ear. i know that is easy to say from where i am sitting, and believe me, i know what you mean when you say you feel neurotic and you wonder if they are sitting around discussing you....i have very often felt that way myself. but honestly, i do not think these people deserve to be friends with you if they can't at least behave like adults and show some respect. come on, this is the real world and not jr. high anymore, you know? the time for silly game playing and "excluding" people without telling them why should have passed along with passing gossipy notes and "elite" lunch tables, if you know what i mean. you are an intelligent, caring individual who feels and thinks deeply about everything, and i personally don't think these shallow people have a place in your life.

what i'm trying to say in a nutshell is that i don't believe there is even a speck of truth in any of the things they have said about you, and if they are too immature to tell you what is REALLY wrong, then they don't deserve the privilege of your friendship.

i hope this all makes sense and doesn't sound like i'm just writing it off like "oh, they're just jealous of you honey, you have to ignore them" like my mother used to say to me when the kids at school were bullying me, because that's not how i mean it to sound. i tend to suck at being articulate when something really gets me upset, and this story definitely boiled my blood and made me want to find these people and just...i don't know...do bad things to them. >:[

[Eireanne]

This is probably around 2008/9 the last time this was the pattern.  So lots of parallels between then and now.


Mom quote of the day: Your dad never hated you, he just didn't like you very much.

Thanks mom.


I am bitter, and disillusioned and upset. I am hopeful and terrified. I'm trying to find my equilibrium, which is no easy feat when I don't have a support group.

Every "self help" thing I read says to rely on your close ones in times like these, but oh wait, I don't have any. I talked to my mum last night, she happened to be looking for a birthday card for me, but since she, "saw birthday cards and Hallowe'en cards, but no birthday/Hallowe'en cards" she decided NOT to get me one at all. That's fine, I told her. I reminded her of a pamphlet she gave me years ago that decreed that Hallowe'en was Satan's Birthday. She said, oh so just pull that out and pretend I gave you something. Great, thanks.
Then she goes on to tell me how much my dad enjoys the little girl that my mom babysits for. Too bad he never liked ME very much. Instead of being UPSET for the fact that I have a toxic, abusive and neglectful family, I focus on my Fambly who DO love me, in their own way, even if they don't have time for me in their busy lives.

Back to me.

Since I have no reason to get out of bed in the morning, it's quite the struggle functioning. Aside from the collection agency my phone does not ring. That's fine. As it was explained to me, I'm a very negative girl, and most people just don't know how to deal with me. So I sit at home and beat myself up for not being "happy". Not finding any reasons to be happy. It's a vicious cycle. I tried explaining it to my mum last night. I started getting severe bouts of depression when I graduated HS. She would yell at me and ask me how long I planned on being miserable for. I compared my depression to her diabetes. I said, When your sugar gets really high, what do you do, take insulin or something? She says yes. (I don't really know, as I have very limited exposure to diabetes, aside from the oatmeal man commercials). I said my depression is like that. When it gets really bad, and I can't even get up off the couch, I can't just use will power to snap out of it. Just like she can't use willpower to regulate her blood sugar. I do try, I struggle with it every day and for the most part, I can function. But on the really bad days, the days I realize that it would be MONTHS before anyone even realized something happened to me...I can't just wave a magic wand and be able to snap out of it. When that realization hits, and I even reach out to people but they can't even be bothered to answer my emails or return my phone calls? Wow. It's hard. Then I remember how if I WEREN'T DEPRESSED...people would actually want me around. Sigh.

I can't actually even talk to anyone now, because I keep saying tactless, insulting things without realizing it. I'm just too real, and most people can't handle that much reality. So I've just got to block everything out and think about only the task at hand. Focusing on one thing at a time until the sun goes down. Then crawling back into bed and reading until it's time to go to sleep. Waking up tomorrow and using all my energy to pretend I'm happy and stuff, so I can make it through the day, then come home and crawl back into bed and face another week.

I can do it.


I have no idea who wrote this...but it's funny (not "funny") to me now that so many people were just telling me how negative I was and how they didn't want to be around me and I was tactless, etc. and yet...this:

you were easy going, awesome to talk to, i thought you were purdy too and i loved your hair, you had a purdy smile and it seemed like someway somehow we could be the best of friends.

as ive grown to know you more, the reason im around is cause youve stuck around. even after the wedding, you kept in touch with me and wanted to see how i was doing cause you genuinely cared about me and i dont come around people like that all too often.

so for the finale, as to why i love you. its because youre EA and youre fine with it. its the bad, as well as the good that makes my heart grow for you even more. you look out for me like a seeing eye dog does for their blind person/owner. youre blunt with me, you make me smile and i love your hugs! i think youre a very strong woman that has yet to find out the exact reasons why she is indeed so strong. but everyday presents an opportunity for the better. you remind me of the good things in my life when i think everything is so bad. you push me to do things i need to do even though i dont want to do it just yet.

and that is why i love you

all i know is that youre a great person to me always and in every situation. and whether you accept my compliment of calling you beautiful or not which you are!!! hard work/times dont go unseen. meaning that what ur going thru is for a reason. whether it lasts a day 2/3 of ur life or a year. somethin positive will come out of it.


My mind is a whirlwind of bad bad bad. So many bad things going on, that I don't even want to write about them. It's causing me to shut down. Each day I wake up and I think, ok, time to be productive...and one small thing sends me spiraling. Today got so bad I ended up going back to bed. It's REALLY best if I just don't talk to anyone for a while.

First off the circulars are chock full of Thanksgiving, so much so that I don't even want to look through them to see if anything is on sale. Everyone is getting geared up to spend time with their families and all the traditions and togetherness and closeness that I assume comes with the holiday season that always ends up leaving me feeling like the little match girl. I guess in trying to look for the positive, I am glad I'll never have to learn how to make a turkey...or a side dish for more than one person. Woot woot, way to go me. Being crazy spinster lady means I never have to worry if I've cooked enough food. Oh wait, because I don't cook. Although I promised myself I'm going to start teaching myself how...no more processed food for me Baby steps, I know.

Why oh WHY did I decide it would be a great idea, in the depths of the insane amount of stress already going on, for me to multiply it by like a million and go to the toxic and abusive environment that is my parental units. Bad enough that I'm already getting into arguments that are leaving me in tears and I'm not even THERE yet. So more with the sad making is the one person I want to see most THIS week, asked if I'm around NEXT week

Debt Collectors are calling multiple times a day to the point where my heart lurches every time the phone rings. Bad time to be applying for jobs as I can't answer the phone any time I don't recognize the number.

Unemployment sent me a letter asking me for a fact finding interview, because according to them I haven't attended all my training...oh wait, that's because it's ENDED. Along with my unemployment No money in, and not a one person getting back to me about all the networking I've been doing. More and more I want to see him, more and more I'm so upset that this is a very, very tough week

So in addition to the $3,000 + in medical bills, I also have a $100 ticket to pay off, gods know how much it's going to cost to get everything switched over to a new state stuff, and the IRS wants $712.95

Also I'm going to end up owing big this year, since taxes weren't taken out for the stipend I received or my unemployment checks this year. So while everyone else is focused on what to buy their loved ones for Christmas, I'm focused on how to make it through the day.

Does the universe want to strip me of EVERY vestige of joy? Thankfully no, because just as I was typing this I got a call from a wonderful person, who proceeded to share her tales of holy crap it's bad all over...and as much as I wish I was THERE for the holidays, I know that she'll always be fambly <3

So I may not have a job, a relationship, a social life, or love...but at least I have my fambly, right?


That's literally my life now...no job, no relationship, no social life, no love...and now even my fambly is all grown up and starting families of their own, and while I get to go to the wedding (which is looking like it's going to cost me $1500) they've already grown up, apart, moved on.  They have busy, full lives and I'm just...here. 

Lonely old spinster. 

[Eireanne]

Still old posts from like 2009 or something...


I'm so filled with disappointment and heartbreak I just want to go back to bed. How this is better than being alone for the holidays, I'll never know, because it feels just about the same as not having family at all.

Got off the plane, called dad's cell phone, of course he didn't answer. He did call back (big surprise) and told me where he was. I walked to him, he saw me, then turned around and walked away. Nice greeting for your only daughter whom you haven't seen in a year. Mom was at least happy to see me and hugged me hello. No offer to help with my bags though (thanks) and so I followed my mom to the car, which pissed off my dad who needed to do the pay for your parking ticket thing. Big whopping $4, which he didn't have, since he was used to only paying $2. Implications that this is somehow my fault, since my plane was late and they needed to wait for me for so long that the cost went up. So I paid the f-ing $4.

Got to their house, and Dad immediately went into the "well are you going to go to sleep, it's late, and I'm tired". Um, no, I'm wired from my flight and I want to unpack? Well keep it down, you've messed up my ROUTINE.

Next morning was really nice, so I went to sit outside on the sidewalk. Parents woke up about noon, so I went in and was talking to an online friend, where I recounted the ridiculousness of their constant bickering. Which would have made an EXCELLENT journal entry had I remembered to save the convo.

Parents took me to the lake to meet (and photograph) the coots. I met them last year, but I didn't have my camera on me, and was pissed at my dad for bringing me without making sure I had my camera. So I've pictures galore now. I fed two black swans, even though I thought they were going to snap my fingers off. Then I went out to coffee with my cousin.

Vegas, for me, isn't about the things you think about when you think of Vegas. It's about being trapped in my parents house, totally dependent on them to take me anywhere, where I can't even go for a walk because everything looks the same and if I go too far I'll get lost, so I basically just sit around their house a lot. Can't get souvenirs for anyone, because seriously what could I bring back? Here's some rocks from my parents landscaping

The next day was the trainer incident. I've never owned a pair, I asked a friend for advice, since he's an avid runner. He gave me good advice, but since my dad is absolutely clueless, we just ended up wasting half the day and getting me all frustrated and upset. He doesn't LISTEN. He makes NO effort. It took for me to look up online what I was trying to explain to him, and have him read it to understand what I meant before we even set out on our little expedition. He's too damn literal.

I mean he tries, but he does everything wrong. He doesn't see the difference between what I ask for, and what he offers, and it breaks my heart every time. My mom says I should just give up on him, that he's not going to change or ever be the dad I want and need, so just resign myself to the fact that I just got the short end of the stick.

Thanksgiving dinner itself was good if you enjoy being surrounded by people that don't know who you are and have no interest in talking to you, and of course football. Also, I'm pretty sure turkey meat isn't supposed to be pink.

Things just got progressively worse. A friend and I played a rousing game of who had the worst Thanksgiving, and I won, because at least he could lock himself in his office and go back to work on Monday, whereas I was trapped there in the loony bin.

Speaking of locking yourself in your office, that's what my dad did, even though he said he was going to take me on a walk. Sorry, it interferes with the ROUTINE, oh and besides, football is on, which is ever so much important than spending time with the daughter you've only seen 3 times in the past 6 years. And why would you want to spend time with me anyway, because handing me a movie that you rented on Netflix for me is just the same as spending actual time with me.

Bitter and Resentment, party of one!

We went to S and M's, because instead of taking me to the restaurant that my parents raved about and said "when you come visit we'll take you there" it's just as good for me to have steak over at their friends house.

Of course I resorted to my worst behavior, and ended up snapping and fighting with them. There is no constructive communication, only attacking and talking AT each other because no one listens.

It was horrible, terrible and I'm so glad I won't have to do it again.

[Eireanne]

One last post for tonight, this one was from Christmas 2011

So in this chock-full of Christmasy goodness nonsense episode of a TV show someone suggested I watch, all these kids show up at their teachers house because "Nobody should be alone on Christmas eve". Which has been burned into me since I was little.

I ended up getting really sad and introspective. I wondered what was wrong with me that there wasn't anyone out there that actually cared that I was alone. Everyone is too selfish and wrapped up in their own lives, sharing with everyone how many presents they have to wrap, how many things they have to bake, how busy and hectic everything is, all the family and friends they are sharing their day with. I thought of baking too, I bought all the stuff in bulk...then I realized I have no one to bake for...I'm certainly not going to eat it, and besides, P is baking as gifts, and they'll be more appreciated from her. *, I still have gifts for people from 2 years ago, when I mistakenly thought there'd be a gift exchange.
When I volunteered last Saturday, they said we should be cognizant that "This is the only Christmas some of these people will be having". Little did they know that was the only Christmas I'd be having. And it was nice.

I'm trying so hard to learn my lessons, I know I have to strive more, because everyone is fighting some kind of battle. I know that I'm still cookie dough. I know that no one should feel OBLIGATED to include me, and if they don't invite me, it's because they don't want me around, and I shouldn't hold that against them.

Besides, all the years of traveling for vacation have taught me that you come home needing a vacation from your vacation, and the IDEAL vacation is to stay at home and tell people you are away. Sure you go through bouts of, "wow my phone hasn't rang in x days" but you get used to that (saves on your phone bill too!)

Since everyone is so busy, I can spend all this quality time uninterrupted. I can do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING...or nothing! How exciting is that? I can spend all day watching movies. I can spend the entire day reading. I can catch up on my LONG OVERDUE crafts. I can have a day at the spa, I can clean, do laundry, catch up on the neglected tado...the choices are endless.
It's all so exciting

one of the central ongoing meditations for 2011: "A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at her."

I guess the thing I'm most sad about is the loss of my alternate life. The one I'd always dreamed I'd have. Having a house with a tree and lights and presents and loved ones. Being a foster parent. Taking a painting class, and having a rocking chair by a window with a fireplace and books. Being loved unconditionally. This time of year REALLY rubs it in, and I realize, I've spent years waiting for my life to begin, that I'm not doing anything with the life I have. Because I'm not going to get any of the things I dreamed about having. I watch everyone I'm surrounded by get the things I want, and I'm envious and jealous and slowly....I'm not surrounded by anyone anymore. This is it. For whatever fundamental reason, no one cares that I'm alone. So I'll make up an imaginary friend, and I'll just go out and start doing the things I want to do. Because wishing I had someone to do it with just isn't getting me anywhere.

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future. I have been thinking about this quote on repeat as I grieve the loss of all the friends I thought I had recently

I wrote on mostly everyone's FB wall, wishing them a happy holidays, but my real holiday wishes go out to anyone who is sitting home alone, and doesn't have anyone to spend their holiday with. Everyone says "hope you're spending the day with your loved ones!" so I am. I'm spending the day with my imaginary new friend And we're going to have a great day together.

I think it's ironic that after any of my friend's break up with someone, or have a really hard/sad/whatever time, and they say they want to spend more time with me, and I get my hopes up that I'm going to start to have a social life, all of a sudden, they drop off the face of the earth, and before I know it, they're getting engaged. This has happened to me at LEAST 5 times recently. So I'm totally giving up. I am not putting my faith in anyone anymore. For whatever reason (bad evil person in a past life?) I'm alone. I need to give up on thinking I'm going to be any different, and just focus on what I have.

I cut my contacts list down to half what it was. In about a month (give or take) I'll probably do it again. (funny, I just did that earlier today too)

It's so hard waking up in the morning when there's nothing to wake up for. I've got this really cool tado list now, every day it says I'm going to do 2 things...

So like yesterday, it said, "today I will get 2 things done - watch season 2 of 21 Jump Street and write on everyone's FB wall.  Nice 2 less things to worry about later"

Today's is "After Coffee I will ____ and _____ mmmmm much better"

So I've got my coffee and I've got the last of the cupcakes.  I really hate when people give me sweets. I feel obligated to eat them.  I mean, even though it was only 3 cupcakes, it took me 2 weeks to eat them.  Before that, V had given me some sort of brownie loaf.  I tried eating that for a week, then I just ended up throwing it out.  I just don't like any of that stuff

Speaking of, 2 years ago I bought enough baking stuff to make everyone things, and since the group sorta...disowned me, all that stuff is still sitting up at the top of my closet. 

[natureluvr]

Just want you to know I've read several posts, and I resonate very much with a lot of what you said.  I resonate with

"no one ever believed in me and made any effort to show me that I was capable of anything."

and

"I wondered what was wrong with me that there wasn't anyone out there that actually cared that I was alone. Everyone is too selfish and wrapped up in their own lives, sharing with everyone how many presents they have to wrap, how many things they have to bake, how busy and hectic everything is, all the family and friends they are sharing their day with."   

and

"Since everyone is so busy, I can spend all this quality time uninterrupted. I can do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING...or nothing! How exciting is that?"

and

 "I grieve the loss of all the friends I thought I had recently". 

 

[Moondance]

Hi Eireanne- exactly what Natureluvr says

Sending caring encouragement that you are enough as you are.  IMO our circumstances can often be a reflection of CPTSD.

Under all this trauma I'm sorting thru I know there is a loving, kind person, free spirited woman.  I'm just not feeling it yet but as I peel the layers perhaps she will feel okay enough to come back out.

I didn't do it, I didn't cause it.  My trauma brain, body just needs to cath up with that thought/belief.

 

[Eireanne]

Thank you to both Natureluvr and Moondance for the validation. I struggle with how hard this is and how it's changed me into someone no one else I meet can even remotely relate to.  I'm so tired of "That sounds terrible" and "I can't even imagine!" - none of us should be made to feel like an outcast because of what we've experienced...things we didn't do or cause. 


Continuing to read through the saved old things and came across this: The human soul doesn't want to be advised or fixed or saved, it simply wants to be witnessed exactly as it is. You can't heal somebody's pain by trying to take it away from them. Now acknowledgment does something different. When a giant hole opens up in someone's life, it's actually much more supportive to acknowledge that hole and let pain exist. It's actually a radical act to let things hurt. It goes against what we've been taught. In order to really support you, I have to acknowledge that things really are as bad as they feel to you. If I try to cheer you up, you end up defending yourself and your feelings. If I give you advice you feel misunderstood instead of supported.

[Eireanne]

Positive self-talk.  It takes time to build that level of confidence and ability to believe in yourself when nobody else does. 

[Eireanne]

Make eye contact. Don't glance over the crowd like it's an object. Look people in the eye and if anyone holds your gaze smile at them. Make people feel like a positive influence just entered this room.

Look into someone's eyes long enough to memorize their eye color. Don't stare, just observe for a moment.

Smile like they made your day.

When looking into someone's eyes, smile as if you saw something in their eyes that makes you happy.

When you are talking to someone, position your body in such a way that you are open to them. Preferably position yourself in a 'vulnerable' way. Don't cover your chest with your arms, don't slouch etc. This signifies trust and comfort.

[Eireanne]

There are some things that are within our control, like our perspective, and some things that are not, like our circumstances. Your job is to learn to let go of what you can't control and embrace what you can.

[Eireanne]

Past experiences where we have felt threatened emotionally or physically cause the body's stress response to automatically turn inward on itself when we're in situations like being emotionally attacked or bullied or even taking risks to assert ourselves at work or in relationships.

Sensory information regarding the trigger goes to the brain, and it tells our bodies to react accordingly.

When you experience emotional/physical pain of feeling attacked or threatened, cognitive biases may continue to be stuck in the body. When one's safety alarm goes off in the lower brain, no amount of reason will [completely] quiet it. Try this exercise:

1. Breathe—controlling your breathing pattern connects the automatic and involuntary nervous systems and returns your attention to your body (centered-in-your-body feeling).

2. Feel your feelings—rather than push the feelings away or let them scare you, sense where they are located in your body and gain awareness of their form and movement through imagined sensing. (I've also found you don't have to name them, you can just accept what they feel like without labeling them)

3. Express—it's never too late to speak up and move to keep yourself safe. This new way of using your voice on your own behalf without fighting reassures your scared vulnerable self that s/he is seen, heard, and is free to act on his/her own behalf to stay safe.

[Moondance]

That it is 

[Eireanne]

Remember: those who truly love you and want you to be happy will applaud your self-loving behavior, and those people who, perhaps unconsciously, have been using you, will be upset with you.