Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

The passive father tries to blend into the background of the family's emotional life and retreats into his own world at the first sign of any trouble in the family. Many of the connections we form in intimate relationships are based on patterns we learned from our parents.
Once you begin to explore old family patterns they begin to lose their hold over you. When you understand the connections between your choices as an adult and how you were raised as a child, you gain more control over your life and your feelings about yourself. The more we understand what shaped us as individuals, the more tools we have to free ourselves from behaviors that no longer work for us. Your emotional foundations were created by the way your parents treated you. The negative self images that some children develop carry through into adulthood. Damaged self image, negative view.
 
A girl may never be told directly that her opinions don't matter, but if her parents constantly tell her to be quiet or interrupt her she will quickly infer that what she has to say is of no importance. The messages we receive as children become the core information we use about ourselves and our position in the world for the rest of our lives. Rehashing past events assists us in our efforts to change our current behavior and even our feelings about ourselves. Anything we learned can be unlearned.

I learned what my parents did, not what I was told to avoid. Actions speak louder than words. It is behavior, not words, that has the greatest impact on a child. My father spoke to me in absolutes. The normal need to for bonding with the parent becomes more intense if the parent withdraws love and becomes a figure of fear and anxiety. The child constantly designs her behavior to avoid the parent's wrath or to gain approval. My father's treatment of me determined much of my view of myself. His words scarred my sense of self-worth. All the positive messages were cancelled out by the negative ones.

The feeling that I was the guinea pig and D was the one they wouldn't make a mistake with. I always feel like my feelings/emotions/opinions aren't as important as those of others, because I was never included. Mother tells me all the time he's not going to change, you just have to accept him the way he is. WHY??

[Eireanne]

I started reading this book - Becoming Real and there were a few points I wanted to jot down, but was really on the fence if I was just going to chuck the book as being invalidating...it is and it's not, so before I get too far into it, here are the points I came across:

When are basic needs aren't being met, we are often too young to have a moderated emotional response.  We experience any frustration, abandonment, rejection or abuse - no matter the degree - at a survival level, and that inspires big emotional responses.  If we can't blame our primary caregivers, then we erroneously conclude that the problem must lie with us.  These painful conclusions become our starting points as we twist our realities, re-creating them as the stories we tell ourselves to explain why our needs haven't been met. We learn to become silent when we're needy and ignored, or to hurt ourselves when we are angry with others.  These behaviors determine our personalities. The stories we tell ourselves about why our primary needs aren't being met determine a great deal of who we become.

[Eireanne]

100 pages into the book and I came across this one section...

You've been doing the same thing over and over again and it isn't doing what you wanted it to do.  Most of us have learned to view repetitive behavior as proof that we are failures because, no matter how hard we seem to be trying, we end up learning the same old lesson over and over again...what we are is stuck. (here's the part I have a problem with)...we will continue to stay stuck until we become conscious that our same old behavior and choices are no longer giving us the results we desire. The book is framed on the premise that at one time my story DID give me the results I've wanted, but they never have. We will continue to respond to life as we did as children - Yes, I do that, because a different way of experiencing life is something...I have yet to experience. The book goes on to say we are attracted to what we know, it is familiar to us...except no, I am not "attracted" to these things, they are attracted to me.  I don't know why, I've done everything I can to change, I've moved, tried different jobs, tried different careers, tried a number of different ways to try to make friends and find a place I belong, I just keep experiencing the same thing over and over and I've finally come to the realization that it has NOTHING to do with me and there isn't anything wrong with me, it's how society likes to frame things. 

The next thing the book says is the reason why we do these things is that it's the mind's way of reprocessing trauma.  Which is why all the patterns of having the same experiences over and over for me have become so traumatic.  But then it says, "when we re-create behavior, we think it will do for us what it did for us as kids - allow us to hold on to what we love."  That, I don't understand because my behavior is a reaction/defense mechanism as a direct result of the trauma...I haven't learned how to respond a different way because no matter HOW I respond, I keep getting the same results, and it's exhausting.  I've never experienced love, so I'm definitely not thinking that my triggered responses allow me to feel loved. 

You confuse your comfort with the familiar sense that maybe that's just the way life is Yes, I agree because up until recently I just thought this was the way life was, that everyone's lives were like this, I had never experienced anything different than being scapegoated, bullied, excluded, ostracized... All you can hear are the bad things because that's what you are used to and that's what your story tells you must be going on. You can't hear any of the good things because your pattern directs you aware from them, and the bad things are amplified. 

Instead of seeing things for what they really are, the message you send yourself (that is amplified by the message I am told by family, friends, co-workers, society) is that YOU aren't good enough.  If you were better, people would treat you better, and you hold onto that because the alternative is complete and total social isolation, which is all you've ever known. 

Shift from victim to storyteller (I've been told I'm acting like a victim my entire life) Changing your perspective on your life and current conflicts removes the powerlessness that underlies all stories.  I think I am doing my best to change my perspective from blaming myself to accepting that everyone around me just doesn't have the capacity to have emotional intelligence perhaps?  But then the book goes on to say, we can revisit the original stories as mature adults and see how to rewrite them...and I'm sorry, I still haven't figured out a way to rewrite my story in a way that isn't obvious trauma and abuse that I'm finding it incredibly difficult to move on from since I have no social support or alternative experiences to hold on to. 

The book goes on to instruct one to be mindful - to respond, not react.  To become more self-aware.  So far, the only thing I'm self aware of is that every time I ask for help, the person I'm asking stops speaking to me and I'm left alone again.  Every time I stand up for myself or try to assert boundaries I am rejected.  Nothing in the book goes into details of what to SAY to your abuser to make them stop abusing you. What to say to authorities to finally hold these people accountable.  What to do to get people to finally realize they are allowing the abuse to continue by averting their eyes and not giving the survivor (NOT victim) the support they need to heal.

Over and over the book provides examples of people who repeat the same behaviors, they choose the same people to be in relationships with, they choose the same jobs, but for me, I don't choose these things, they choose me. I end up at the only places that will hire me, with the only people that will date me, with the only individuals that are looking for friends, and I accept less than I deserve because it's all I'm ever offered.  Everything I truly want has rejected me, not the other way around. 

These feelings come directly from the powerlessness of childhood when we couldn't defend ourselves or get our own needs met to be secure individuals, who are loved, attended to, and seen and appreciated for who we are.  That's literally me.  Not in childhood, but NOW. 

The book finally gets into a scenario I relate to, working for an abusive woman and not wanting to quit because you need the job.  It says, you can set up a dynamic that gets the other person to treat you more and more aggressively. This is called projective identification - when you behave in a certain way and are in a relationship that draws from the other person the very things you cant bear to feel. and goes on to encourage that individual to set boundaries *headdesk*

What will I gain by doing this?  I will see that it's ok to be appropriately annoyed or angry and that people won'twill leave me if I do.  I will see that I'm (not) loveable just as I am, and I don't have to be number one to be loved and accepted. I don't even have to be last - I'm still not loved and accepted the way I am.   

You have to show yourself that you have more options than you believe about yourself. Great, HOW?

Taking a break from this book....100 pages left.

[Eireanne]

In the letting go, and writing letters of closure to people that are no longer part of my life...in sending finished projects and things I want to release that no longer serve me, in finishing books that don't resonate with me, I am also going through photos I have accummulated.

I used to be an avid photographer, then my camera broke.  It...and I...were shattered.  I promised myself I'd replace it once I went through all my photos, which is one of the many projects I will be working on, so I started going through and deleting a majority of my photos, but I didn't want to delete the memories...

of the time my dad took a break from ignoring me to take me on a hike.  Of the turtles Sam and Ella, that I had for a brief time, but were unable to care for them the way they needed to survive....RIP baby turtles....

Of the kids I used to nanny before they moved...and now they are grown and probably do not remember me, which is just as well...I was too much in survival mode to be a nourishing caregiver...but I did the best I could.  The oldest was a brat, the middle was the one I spent all my time with, the 3rd was a new addition to the family and I was convinced he was an alien who was having difficulties assimilating to our world (which was relatable) and would refer to him crying as "the emperor is displeased".  850 photos in this folder...most of which are completely delete-able, but I kept wanting to capture everything for his mother, as it was her first child (the other two weren't) and she treated him sooooo much differently than she did the other two...and kept feeling the missing out parts of being a working mom. 

I love spring and seeing the flowering trees. 

The sweet smile of a sleeping baby (even if he is an evil emperor)

Laughing baby...once he started looking more like a human and less like an alien...yay assimilation!

Taking the middle to the movies as our goodbye activity...taking him to visit the fire department - yay firefighters! All the children's museums, the library, any place that had things to do for children - even McDonald's play place. Ah, the beforetimes when you didn't have to worry about covid and we took so many things for granted.

The oldest wanted a unicorn cake and they made one for her with rainbow marshmallows coming out of it's a**.  Rainbow layer cake inside.  Pinata.  Mostly grownups, no other children...but she was the center of attention. 

Taking him to the conservatory...getting to feed the koi....him zhuzhing me and his father and I debating how exactly do you spell zhuzh?

When I wasn't fast enough and he cut his chin at the playground

Riding the Holiday train. 

Taking E to see Shakespeare in the Park with X...and yet even more closure there.

Putting a "Do not pack do not load" sign on the baby for the movers. 

Narrowed it down to 65 photos...still going to do a 'nother run through them.  See if I can get it down to 20 - which is still too much. 

[Eireanne]

I've learned that your background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. I've learned to people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when you reach out to people you thought were your friends for help, they abandon you.  ...the people that aren't part of your life anymore. There is a reason why the people from your past didn't make it to your future - trust and believe it happened for a reason - let it go.

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.  I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending a little card, I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others.

[Armee]

Beautifully said

[Eireanne]

Finishing up the book and sharing my thoughts before disposing of it in a little free library...

Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of good tips in the book, things I've already incorporated into my life, like being mindful, and knowing exactly why my body reacts with emotional flashbacks whenever someone abusive triggers my trauma, so I can learn how to self regulate.  How to get other people not to abandon/reject me when ask for help - getting the support I need to get my basic needs met?  None of this is mentioned in the book, just the fantasy that if you ask ye shall receive, and I'm so grateful that there are so many people out there that have both asked for and received help and support necessary to fill those basic needs, but I don't have to read their little vignettes about all the hard work they did to stay together when I can't even find someone to commit to going out for a meal with me.

I already know who I am, and I love and accept myself - finding another person who will love and accept me as well?  That remains to be seen. All this book did was serve as a reminder of how many times I've asked for help and been abandoned and rejected by others, and been told it's because I'm too needy, lol.

And yet, there's this triggering line...

At work, you are the martyr who ultimately doesn't succeed because you're behavior almost begs people to treat you badly. If you can see that you have actually played a hand in instigating these situations and take some responsibility for them, then you can see how your story has robbed you of direct, appropriate relationships in all areas of your life. 

It goes on to say, "Don't do things that make other people pick on you"  great - real helpful advice  

[Eireanne]

In 2020, there were Isolation Journals - daily prompts that I wanted to spend time on, but was too entrenched in the abuse and survival to be able to.  Since my life is still akin to the total isolation most people felt in 2020, I figured now is as good a time as any to add to my recovery and will maybe fill the need to "have a conversation" with someone.

According to the Times, barely more than half the adult population of the United States now has a job...

People, seemingly so cavalier say, "well why not just find another job?" and they don't get that every job I've had I've been bullied by my manager.  That I can seemingly get along and be a "rock star" to everyone in the company, but the one person who gets to decide if I stay or go hates me.  A hate that is bred by simple things, like they are an extrovert, and can't even comprehend that I'm not.  They can't relate to my lived experience, and how I'm in survival mode, eating beans and rice while they are renovating their third home...that I'm a complete alien to them, and the only important thing is to "make them happy" so I do (and did) everything in my power to NOT be the half of the population that was out of work.  That 3 months into me starting my job, they eliminated 2/3 of the workforce, and I was told the only reason I was keeping my job...not performance, not work ethic, not skillset...just that I made this one tyrant happy, and if I could just keep doing that, I could keep my job. 

Well, hasn't that been my life? Making the one person I need to survive happy, so I can continue surviving? So I became a whipping boy, because setting boundaries, standing up for myself means elimination, and with the abuser I was living with at the time out of work, I was supporting both of us. I had no one else.  I didn't have a friend to take me in.  I didn't have family I could call on, I had the terror of knowing I just. needed. to.  survive.

I wanted to move forward to the next chapter of my life, but I was too busy to even figure out what that could be. So I called my friend.

Only, when I'd call a friend, they'd tell me I complain too much, and was acting like a victim...and I should just figure out what I needed to do, because it was my choices that were creating my environment, and I just had to choose differently.

Suleika's advice to this woman was to ask, "What is the thing you'd never regret trying?"

This.  Giving up on hope, giving up on life, just being. 

Your prompt for today:
Think of a brick-and-mortar store that you love. It could be a place you go all the time, or at least you did pre-pandemic. It could be a favorite shop from childhood—a place where you went to buy sodas and candies or to eye things way beyond what you could afford on your allowance. Write about what you saw, smelled, tasted, purchased—or didn't. Write about the first time you visited, or the last one, or anytime in between.

Um...yeah, I don't really have stores like that. I like gift shops, like the store attached to cracker barrel. I like looking at crafty things other people have created to spark my imagination and try to find joy in crafting myself. 

I spent years thinking I enjoyed arts and crafts, but what I truly wanted was another way to connect with people. To have a group of people come over and we create things together.  Working and chatting and connecting and bonding, or creating handmade gifts to give to others. I've had decoupaged picture frames for years and haven't made one new friend to give them these frames, so they sit by my front door and I think I'm going to just give them away at the next farmer's market.

My current craft is going to be putting together a scrapbook of all the things that have happened to me in chronological order, photos of my family before I was born, baby pics, toddler pics, family pics...there's so much pain and grief and closure and letting go tied into that project. 

I mentioned to a friend who texted me and said, "I miss crafting" and I said, well you're in luck, I'll be working on my crafts from Nov-May and she replied, "sounds like fun" 

Gotta love people that refuse to get to know me as I am now.  There's literally nothing fun...I can't even remember fun.  But of course ppl read that and hear "oh, you're just depressed".    I feel like I just can't win, no one really wants to understand me. 

[Eireanne]

Unpacking...work stuff (from February)

Move me off of supporting L, she feels trust has been broken. because I disclosed to my manager that she was abusive

Suggest working with HR to welcome the opportunity to explore what my options are ultimately, that my position should be eliminated, there is no place in corporate America for whistleblowers that need autonomy and to work in an environment free of abuse

L and I are clashing – personality types She could not/would not relate to me AT ALL. We were completely incompatible, down to conversation style. She had no patience for me needing context and was only satisfied when I read her mind.

The environment caused me to fail because I was unable to change L's attitude I could just not get her to comprehend that if she'd just give me some effing context, I could PARTNER with her and support her 1000 times easier, more efficiently, and that would free up so much energy so I could be a rock star in different areas, instead of barely surviving because she was constantly keeping me burnt out with her abuse

Miscommunication between L and I, I requested downtime Doesn't matter what I requested, company was unwilling to listen

How do you manage someone that has unreasonable expectations, where's the work/life balance? I need structure, I need to work with someone that appreciates the need for clear structure. I'm not the right person to be working with L, because of L's personality I may not be the right person to be supporting her.  I see a different approach to other managers how they treat their admin. Which is interpreted as, I'm a precious snowflake and I can't handle pressure.

Ring EAP I did, and they said as they are hired by my company as a third party, it would be a conflict of interest to assist me.  So much for that.

Now if I could just step back and reframe it, find the lesson in it...so I STOP being someone's whipping boy and can just say, you know what, I don't work well when you talk to me like that, I need open and honest communication. 

[Eireanne]

Humans hold a specific worldview informed by their experiences. This worldview acts like a frame of reference, which affects how we interpret events, assign meaning to the things that happen to us, and interact with our environment. If we do not explore our frames of reference and understand our ingrained thought patterns, we remain at a disadvantage when we attempt to learn how to grow and change our habits.  Developing an awareness of how we process events is often critical for achieving transformative change.

Those high in emotional intelligence are thought to be effective at managing their own emotions and are good at identifying and considering others' emotions. Conversely, those low in emotional intelligence rarely stop to think about what they are feeling and are more likely to misread others' motives and intentions.

I always thought this meant I didn't have high EI, because I do not do a good job at managing my emotions when threatened, invalidated, ignored and I don't understand others' motives and intentions when they are not honest with me/themselves.  I think it is very rare to discover someone willing to have an open and honest conversation, but I can also see how I'm pushing people to be vulnerable even though it's an uncomfortable place for them.

Not knowing how to meet people where they are...is what I need to work on.

Distorted or irrational beliefs stemming from activating events may have negative consequences. They are also skilled at intervening by helping clients to challenge and change problematic beliefs in order to facilitate more positive consequences

What if the beliefs are facts and aren't distorted or irrational? I begged for someone else to listen, because my *life* is problematic - not my beliefs...and I'm desperate for some positive consequences.

Individuals learn through a cyclical process of concrete learning, reflective observation, abstract conceptualization, and active experimentation.
The focus is on day-to-day behaviors that serve as opportunities for experimentation and learning.

Self-acceptance is an integral part of maintaining a healthy relationship with one's self, helping us look past our perceived deficiencies, and knowing deeply that we are "enough."

So the work I'm doing now, to refute everything everyone else has said about me being deficient and knowing it's THEM and not me...helps me to accept myself.

By reflecting back the emotions we hear, they experience messages of support and encouragement to continue their journey.

Hearing involves receiving sounds and interpreting their meaning, listening involves accurately understanding their meaning.

Ultimately, a collaborative alliance must be fostered and maintained to allow goals, aspirations, fears, and plans to be worked through together.

If someone is listening poorly or focusing too much on themselves, they will miss out on much of what is being communicated.

An accepting attitude involves respecting people as separate human beings with rights to their own thoughts and feelings, we must suspend any judgment of goodness or badness and recognize their capacity to fail based on the life skills they possess or are lacking.

We must also allow others to develop and grow at their own pace without trying to control or judge them. We must remain present and available, willing to let their experiences and emotions affect us.

[Eireanne]

A lifetime ago, I connected with a life coach...

I recognized my life wasn't going in the direction I wanted it to go (because it was exactly the same as it is now and this isn't the life I want).  I had asked for help because I recognized I didn't want to continue down this path, and thought the issue was that I needed to refocus, to learn to like myself more, to be more confident and to not listen to the "gremlins" (aka negative reel, aka anything that pop psychology tells you is just the voices in your head).

In my professional life, I wanted to find a new career path that was fulfilling (because all my jobs have been abusive, and I don't consider abuse fulfilling), to do something that has meaning, to give something back to the universe.

I said, "I have no confidence. I feel beaten. I mean well, but my voice is wavery and is often ignored. I feel invisible most of the time. I'm so painfully shy (bullied) I'm afraid to show people my authentic self (because they reject me). I'm not at all where I thought I'd be (with friends/family/a relationship), and I don't like it here (isolated and alone, with no one to depend on). I blame myself for making bad choices (because who else would I blame? Everyone that's rejected me and told me it was my fault?), and having me end up here (without friends, social support, etc.). I want to start learning how to forgive myself (since everyone told me it was my fault, I blamed myself), and let go of my anger (everyone told me I was angry to keep me invalidated) so I can start to be happy with what I have no, and gain the confidence I need to do the good that I know I'm capable of doing.

I want people to say I made a difference in their lives, that all the things I've done have not gone unnoticed.  I want for people to think of me and have positive things come to mind, like "Eerie Anne always has a smile or a kind word".  I want to be the kind of person that is remembered for making their lives a better place, that they are a better person for having known me. I just want to be loved unconditionally, valued and respected by people. I want to know what it's like to be loved. To have someone want to fight for me, to see me, not for all my strengths, but for all my flaws and to love me more, not in spite of them, but because of them. I think I deserve that.

I'd read books, watch movies, take trips, take pictures, go for walks. I might like to travel more, but not alone. Since I don't have anyone to travel with, I don't think I'd like to do anything else.

The life coach asked, "When are you unable to laugh at yourself?" When people are making a joke at my expense.  I've spent too many years being the source of cruel humor to be able to laugh at myself. Hahaha look at Eerie Anne! Not funny.

I have spiritual gifts. Intuition, clairvoyance, low level telepathy. I see auras, duppies, I love to read, I'm efficient, dedicated, good ethics, a desire to do what's right, regardless of what is expected. I try to be a good friend, but I'm not sure I am.

Empathic, eclectic, caring, thoughtful, kind.

I try not to be negative.

I'm going through a transformative process right now, and find myself quite vulnerable

I also wrote these adjectives down, but not sure why:

Fair
Considerate
Collaborative
Responsive
Sensible
Diplomatic
Contemplative
Indulgent
Rational
Sensible
Realistic
Conventional
Sincere
Simple
Firm
Earnest. 

[Eireanne]

Things that I need to work on

• Reiki
• Reframing my stories
• Reframing my immune system

I think spending my energy on practicing tai chi, yoga, meditation and reiki is a better use of my time than wasting it on putting my energy towards people that...don't have the capacity to let me unpack/practice being social?

Listening to my inner child to figuring out what it is I should have heard...all the advice I had asked for that was denied me with a dismissive "you just complain too much". I know I'm not complaining, and as I have no IRL friends who really understand what it means to hold space, attune and validate – I have to do it for myself. I know I won't misunderstand myself, even if I don't have all the answers.

The way I have been processing is by reading old journals and listening to my thoughts and feelings that come up. Writing them down, and practicing active listening.

Attuning, validating...the part I struggle with is not knowing the right thing to do or say in a situation.

All I have is me facing my trauma head on, and breaking it down until I don't react to it anymore. Piecing myself back together, bit by bit. It's continuing to cobble together my program until I am more the person I know I can be.

acceptance, attention, permission, encouragement

[Eireanne]

Each interpretation of an event is skewed by your past experience which creates automatic thoughts for you and creates your perception. 

It is necessary to hear your entire interior argument in order to correct distorted logic reframe your story to a less triggering one. 

What you think ultimately creates what you feel.

Reframe absolutes such as "I've never experience what it's like to have my parents be proud of me" to something like, "Just because no one has ever believed in you, doesn't mean you can't believe in yourself" or something :/

"Just because you've been eliminated from every job you've ever had doesn't mean you can't hold down a job" yet.

Pay close attention to the words you use to describe yourself.  Try to be as neutral as you can in your thoughts.

You can't accurately know what others are thinking and feeling unless they tell you. Since no one will tell you what they think or feel and would rather opt to just stop speaking to you, does not mean you did anything wrong - if anything, they are wrong for not understanding how to have a conversation.

[Eireanne]

Start with being more selective regarding to whom you give the privilege of learning your stories.

Make a concentrated effort to remind yourself of the parts of your body you like, and what you can do to treat your body better.

Push yourself to make small, doable steps towards your goals.

If you want more of what you don't have - give. If you're lonely, give energy in the form of lovingly helping others feel good - and that energy will come back to you.

Assume that there are new ways to interpret old stories.

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own insecurities our presence liberates others.

[Eireanne]

From my novel:

I find myself, lose myself and struggle to find myself again. Relive, rehash, revise...back to the beginnings where one must relearn everything over...preferably the correct way this time.

I have thoughts, vague apparitions of ideas, that float in and out of my consciousness like so many waves.

If I could change my inside, the outside will follow and I can achieve anything.

Somewhere out there is someone waiting to be at the right place and the right time for me. I just have to work on me.

Try hard to transcend the concept that you are alone. Your destiny may be such that at certain times in your life you will have to walk your path without anyone at your side. By accepting this fact you will become strengthened and gain inner knowledge.

If we are having fearful thoughts, that is an indication that we have Fear that is ready to be released.  It means that fear is right there on the surface ready for us to release it. So instead of getting lost in those fearful thoughts, we simply need to recognize that we have fear to be released, feel for it, breathe into it and release it. 

Any time you practice the feelings of what you do want to experience, you must understand that in order to create the pure vibration to allow that to flow through you, everything that is unlike that must be released from your vibration.