Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

Nature does not distinguish between what the seed falls on the soil. The earth nourishes whatever seed is planted. This is the way life works for us all as well.

Even though the Universe is for your good and the law of life is for ever-upward expansion and freedom, when you and I get focused on what bothers us, the universe can only grow for us that which we are attending with our attention.

Be mindful of the seeds you plant today, as they become the crop you harvest. Take your attention away from what worries you, and focus on what you love!
Be thoughtful and make choices that will lead you to the path of the person you would like to be.
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It is a dangerous thing to focus on what is lacking in our lives for this only brings more of the same. We are moved in the direction of our central thoughts, for these are what the universe uses to decide what we want in our lives. To be given the gift of affluence by the Universe must be firm in your conviction to ask for wealth and joy in her words, deeds and thoughts.
It will teach you that everything, every success starts with your mind and you taking actions. You change your mind and you change your destiny.
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When I would read prompts like these in the past, the only message I was (redacted word - thanks cognitive issues) oh! Internalizing, lol...yay. was to NOT think about whatever was subconsciously bothering me.  Isolated? Just don't feel it, because that's the seed you are planting and if you THINK about it, you'll continue to feel isolated, so now it's MY OWN FAULT I have no one showing up for me when I need help. 

[Eireanne]

Written a while ago....more on the same theme...

There is good in everything if you just learn how to reframe it. My issue is, how can I reframe that which I've never experienced? If, as a child, my family was my entire universe then I was led to believe that that is just the way things are. I don't know there's an alternative because this is all I know. I don't know HOW to fight another way, I don't know how to express myself another way, I want those things modeled for me and I don't know where to find the answers I need. 

Think thoughts the size of the success you would like to have. This subtle element is fast and powerful. It will manifest in your life.
Then that's what I need to start doing.  I need this time, where the answers I'm looking for and the things I am reading will sync up. 

The power to control your experience starts with your thoughts. What life expanding thoughts will you generate today? What you focus on, you create. So focus your attention consciously, and do not allow your attention to stray to results that you aren't interested in manifesting. Because you can, and will, create more of what you are focusing on...releasing something that you were ready to let go of... but also to pause after the moment of release to truly enjoy and recognize the beautiful ripples in that moment.  The more we look within for wholeness, the greater will be our acceptance of all things at all times.  "Going within" first takes a decision.  Next, it takes stillness, and then patience.  But peace will come.

First, I need to have wholehearted belief that something will come and that what I want IS out there and will be attracted to me.  Maybe I need to draw a circle of protection around my talks with my therapist and explain to the universe that I'm releasing those thoughts and they shouldn't listen to them, it's not what I want to attract to myself any longer?

Do not allow yourself to stay in a situation that is less than life-giving. Transform your circumstance through non-resistance by having a clear image of where you are going. The tiny stream knows in some part of its own nature that it is being drawn to a larger stream - and then - the ocean.  There is a magnetic pull towards the greater, and that same pull is at work in you and me. You can behave any way you decide to.   Wherever you are right now you can do this: Take a deep breath.

[Eireanne]

This post is more of just a vent and does not need to be responded to...but thank you to all those that are reading and supporting me in my healing!


Becoming wise is letting go of the illusion that the external world is there to take care of you or make you feel better and understanding that only you can resolve your emotional needs and internal conflicts.

Because of our victim consciousness, many continue to transfer responsibility onto others and project their childlike desire to be taken care of

I have such issues with the way this is worded, mostly because I've been told I'm "acting like a victim" my entire life.  Is it really that wrong to want to experience being taken care of? Is it REALLY a "child-like" desire?  When every TV show I watch shows anyone in a moment of crisis receiving comfort from a friend/loved one? That the images society gives me are to just "ask for help" and then be overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and support....that I've NEVER experienced???  So....*I* am a childlike victim, but everyone else can get the help they need? Great.  Thanks. 

Because we have internalized and not fully resolved our feelings of vulnerability from childhood, whether we are conscious of it or not, we continue to perpetuate some level of victim consciousness...examining our internalized and unprocessed feelings of vulnerability from childhood. During our formative years, our brain has an inherent mechanism to distort reality as to psychologically protect us from harm so that we can survive in our environment. Because some of the experiences we encountered in childhood created emotional distress and threatened our self- esteem, our subconscious mind creates defense mechanisms as a means of coping.

These defense mechanisms become part of our subconscious framework. Growing up psychologically and spiritually is accepting the painful reality that deep down, we all feel vulnerable and inadequate and to work through the anxiety, fear and sadness that this realization creates.

Another dynamic that keeps us trapped in victim consciousness are control dramas, which are also created in childhood.

I really don't remember where I found this crap...but there's more...

When we become self-actualized, we step out of this paradigm. We realize that there is a third position; not to engage in either role and learn how to satisfy our own emotional needs. A wise person learns how to navigate relationships without being a bully, which means not desiring power or control over others, imposing one's values on others or manipulating others to satisfy internal needs. A wise person also learns how to set boundaries with others and communicate assertively. A wise person also understands that all interactions need to be an equal energetic exchange or a win/win situation because we are all energetically connected. If one party wins and the other party loses, this actually impacts both parties in a negative way. A bully/victim paradigm appears to be a win/lose, but is more accurately a lose/lose position. A wise person understands that cooperation is the only solution and every outcome needs to be a win/win.
If the reality is no one really cares about your well-being but you and that is OK. It is not wise to allow your well-being to rest in the hands of highly flawed and self-serving individuals.

So the message I received here was I am NOT self-actualized (whatever that is), I have to learn how to satisfy my own needs.  When I ask people to show up for me I am either a victim or a bully, and I cannot be wise because I haven't learned to meet my own needs for connection ON. MY. OWN.  That I should keep myself small, have no needs, no wants, and it's my own fault I never learned how to set boundaries that were respected, so of course any time I try I will be rejected because I am creating a negative...whatever, because the person I am asking does not want to (on whatever level) show up for me - so it's NOT equal.  I should not ask for what is not being offered or I am WRONG.  Oh, and I am being wise for recognizing this and further creating an atmosphere of isolation by understanding these are people that cannot be what I need.  GREAT. 

[Eireanne]

(1) A central fact about early childhood  is that babies are born into the world entirely at the mercy of others. They have  no native strength, intelligence or utility,  they cannot fight or complain,  walk away or argue their case,  their survival depends solely on their  capacity to look up from their cots with vast, innocent, beautiful eyes and charm their  parents into caring for them. It's their power to attract love that ensures they will be fed and clothed, protected and kept alive.

(2) In exchange for this nurture, young children readily offer their parents or caregivers unconditional admiration. They naturally adore and are boundlessly impressed by those who pick  them up and bathe them, warm their milk and change their sheets. They are in awe at these giant people who know how to turn on a washing machine and kick a ball over a tree. There 
is - at this stage - no innate desire whatever to question or doubt figures of authority.

(3) Given what is at stake, it follows that small children are instinctively, hugely sensitive to how well they are doing at  getting their admired protectors on their side. If they feel they are loved, they can relax into themselves and get on with the many other pressing priorities of early childhood: working out how to eat solids, figuring out what a plug socket is, how a button functions, what  words are and how soap bubbles form.

(4) But if love is in more restricted supply,  the picture grows a whole lot more complicated. There are childhoods in which, for a variety of reasons, parents fail to be charmed as they might 
be. They leave the baby to scream, they shout at one another, there might be violence and hysteria, lethargic despair and terror. The young child  knows instinctively it is in grave danger, 
if the situation is not somehow corrected, in extremis, it may be left on a hillside to die.

(5) At this point, our biology initiates a desperate yet darkly logical process. The young child starts to try a lot harder. It  redoubles its efforts to charm, to be good, to do what could be expected of it, to smile and to ingratiate itself. It wonders what may be wrong with itself to explain the parental disapproval and harm - and doesn't feel any alternative but to search in  its own character and behaviour for answers.

(6) At the same time, the child resists what might - from an adult perspective - seem like the obvious move: to get annoyed with and blame the adults in the vicinity who are not looking after it as they should. But  such a bold thought does not belong to the defencelessness of the early years. We are in no position to mount a challenge to our protectors when we can hardly reach the door handle,  let alone turn on a tap; we need to have our own front door key and bank account before cynicism is a realistic option. It is far more intuitive to wonder why we are horrid than to  complain of being unfairly and unkindly treated.

(7) Small children therefore naturally turn injury done to them into dislike of themselves.  They ask not so much 'Why does my parent fail to care for me?' as 'How might I have failed this 
admirable person?' They hate themselves rather than doubt those who should be protecting them, shame replaces anger. It feels,  on balance, like the safer option.

( A vicious spiral of self- hatred then sets in. The unloved growing child wonders constantly about their faults. Their  parent may be alcoholic, narcissistic, sadistic or depressed; they may never cook a proper meal or shout intemperately from their bedroom,  but none of that matters in the slightest. The parent cannot be envisaged as anything other than substantially impressive. To explain the lack of love from the paragons of parenthood,  it must be that the child is an awful person, they must be stupid and mean, selfish and slow,  physically repulsive and irritating and shallow.

(9) As childhood gets left behind,  much of this dynamic is forgotten. The adolescent and young adult overlooks exactly what went on, they cannot necessarily think clearly of the early years - and parental figures may be keen that they never do so.  The former child can't tell any more that their  feeling of shame has specific origins, it can feel like something they might have been born with, a  natural phenomenon, like bad weather or the flu.

(10) Liberation awaits us when we dare to take on board a highly implausible idea:  that our self-hatred, far from being inevitable,  is an internalisation of early deprivation and that far from needing to revere and admire those who denied us love, we are in a position to understand, to question, to be annoyed and to mourn what we did not receive. We are not so despicable after  all, we've just - till now - lacked any better ideas to explain why we didn't manage to charm those who should have loved us from the start.

[Eireanne]

More BS words that didn't give me anything I needed:

How to prevent burnout
Go on a trip
Delegate
Schedule – discipline
Journal – manifest
Write down your goals

Failure is a crucial aspect of success

How to tap into your personal power
Speak possibilities into life
Focus on the things you want, NOT the negative aspects of your current situation.
DO don't try
Never say never – linguistic trap – confining yourself to the walls your words create
Beware of labels – they limit
Self-esteem is built on your own thoughts and you can control your thoughts
turn up the volume on positive thoughts
delete negative thoughts
spend time with people who help you feel good about yourself
tell others what you like about them
say thank you for complements
write down 10 things about yourself that you admire

How to be more consistent
keep your eye on your why
pick your battles
schedule your priorities
ignore your feelings
catch that wagon
success doesn't come from what you do occasionally it comes from what you do consistently

Be more assertive and communicate your concerns in an open and respectful way
create a balanced schedule
reframe problems
practice gratitude
prioritize tasks
create a worry period – Write down your worries

quiet your mind with your breath - find your center
connect to your heart, smile inwardly and say thank you (Namaste)
do this for three full breaths – feel the warmth of being connected to your heart
what are your values
interests
strengths
dreams
skills
what do you need to feel fulfilled

any vision is better than no vision, take your time
allow the questions to percolate in your mind

[Eireanne]

Content Warning: Abusive relationship

I went back to the very beginning of my relationship with the meditation group...

My initial email to them: I'm taking you up on your offer, when you say if there's something going on to message you about it privately.  I have avoided doing so, because I didn't want to dump my stress and drama on you when we all have our own stresses and drama to deal with.  In the broadest strokes, and overview of my situation:

I was in a relationship with someone for 5+ years, my first and only relationship, really...and a combination of stressful events have triggered trauma in both of us.  We are handling it vastly differently. I have decided I do not want to let anxiety and depression control my life any longer.  I found a therapist that does more for me than just ask how my week has been, and I've had several breakthroughs over the past few weeks. I am on medication, and getting neurofeedback treatments.  I was doing well with meditation for a small bit, and am looking forward to your yoga class this evening.  He has escaped deep within himself and either regressed to someone he was 16 years ago, or is having a midlife crisis.  He wants to "focus on him" right now, which means only doing things that feel good - drinking, smoking pot, playing video games, and talking with other girls right in front of me.  He is behaving entirely out of character and because I did not have a model for a healthy relationship, my efforts to get the help I needed when I was at my worst caused him to break up with me, which he uses to justify and rationalize any guilt he may feel about this behavior and how it affects me.  Coupled with the fact I learned he had already been chatting with someone else online during the months preceding our breakup, and not just "since we broke up", I now feel I live in an abusive and controlling situation that mirrors the abuse I went through during childhood.

Part of me knows that the best thing for us is to separate and move on, but I still feel that he needs help, even though he won't admit it to himself.  I also know that I can't be the one to get him help, he has to realize for himself, and I can only work on me and my own healing. 

However, this dynamic has absolutely wrecked my ability to meditate.  I constantly think of him, and how he is, and how he was, and what might happen in the future.  I cannot seem to just put him in a little box and focus on me, and I definitely can't put him out of my mind. I'm working on it, but I feel I'm regressing and losing any progress I was making while meditating with you.  I also wrongly thought I had until the end of the month to transcribe all of deepak chopras 22 day meditations, but when I sat down to do it last weekend, the trial period was already up and I could no longer access the content, and I'm very disappointed I wasn't able to get the transcription done.   

I've got to figure out a way to get back to that state where I can quiet my thoughts, and was wondering if you had any advice.  Please think on it and let me know if you have any suggestions. 
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Her response: THANK YOU FOR SHARING!!! I have been thinking of you and was meaning to reach out last week to see how you were doing but my over-packed life delayed me so I'm so grateful you were comfortable enough to share this with me. You are not dumping stress or drama on anyone! I'm honored and humbled that you shared with me.

So first off... wow. A lot is going on!!! I know it may seem overwhelming but it sounds like you are on the right path and moving forward in a healthy direction (even though your meditation practice may have dropped a bit) It's going to be ok. I'm not diminishing all you're going through because it is a lot, but know that we are all going through crazy shifts right now and we're going to get through this stronger and wiser. YOU will get through this stronger and wiser.

Secondly, would you be comfortable if I shared this with my sister? The benefit of (redacted) is two different but complimentary perspectives. Please let me know if you'd be okay with that.

Lastly, I just want to reiterate what a light you are in this world. You are stronger than you know and you have genuine support all around you. Thanks again for sharing your story with me. I'm so happy to see you again in class tonight!!

(They followed up by offering me the reiki/coaching sessions at 50% off in exchange for administrative services to get their business up and running)
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My two responses:

Apologies for the delay in my response, I've been having difficulty processing, and I wanted to let the offer sit while I worked through it.  Coupled with yet another layer of trauma I'm dealing with at home, and the work that it takes to deal with the emotions as I have breakthroughs and things come up for me...I just needed to take a step back for myself.

I'm not fully in a better head space, but able to give you a response. 

My initial response is yes, I would really appreciate being a test client for you both.  However, this brings up a lot of insecurity, which I will lay out for you.

1.  How much is 50%?  I have a deep rooted fear of not having enough money, and while I understand about supporting practitioners and giving, and on the surface it shouldn't be a monetary issue, the panic that is attached to my current budget and unstable home situation makes me worry about the added expense. 

2.  I don't feel as if you are pushing anything on to me, your work resonates with me, but I'm not entirely in a place where I can receive it at times.  I have good days, and then bad stretches, but the length of time I'm in the bad stretches are lessening, and I think working with you both would only move me in the right direction further. 

Please let me know your thoughts

2nd email (sent a week later):

I'm having a difficult time focusing on ME and work, and haven't been sleeping well, and have been consistently making mistakes at work that make me fearful for my job security.  This email is not to bring up any negative feelings for not having responded yet - I completely understand and we will connect when it happens, I just want to fill you both in on what's going on here.  Perhaps in some way I feel if I get it out, my brain will stop replaying it and I can focus on work for the next few hours.

Without getting too much into the backstory or details, I discovered my boyfriend of 5+ years is abusive, controlling, and not my other half/puzzle piece after all.  My brain is having a hard time reconciling that fact with the person he is currently being.  The person he is currently being is incredibly cruel, manipulative, and in complete denial of his actions.  It's as if his defense mechanisms are protecting his consciousness from what he is doing, and it's tearing me apart.  When he initially broke up with me (it was sudden and not mutual) he told me I couldn't sleep in our bedroom anymore, until he had time to get over what hurt I caused him.  He suggested we swap out beds (the bed I purchased shortly before we moved in together is in the spare bedroom) and I declined, because it is an IKEA bed, and I was afraid for its structural integrity.  I realize now he has no intention of working on our relationship, he is actively emotionally invested in relationships with other girls online in front of me, and had been prior to our breakup.  On Friday, I calmly asked him to switch beds, this way he can have his privacy and I can work on myself and my healing, in my room that gives me comfort.  He initially agreed, but said I'd have to help.  I said I was going away for the weekend to give him his space, but he'd have 3 days, and to please at least start on moving.  Sunday I called him and asked if I could have a mutual friend come by to help him do the work that would take 2 people.  Again, he agreed, but a few hours later insisted that I now pay an extra $400 a month because I will have the "bigger" room.  This is a petty controlling action which distracted me from my weekend and is now the forefront of all my thoughts.  I attempted to reason with him once I came home, but we are at an impasse.  I think he is trying to make my life so unbearable here that he will force me to move, which I cannot financially do at this point, and he is aware. I feel he is doing this so that he will rationalize that he is not responsible for any part of our breakup, so he can sleep at night. 

I need to figure out a way to stop giving him so much of my energy.  When you both have time, please connect on this and let me know if my challenges are too much above what you are able to deal with right now.
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Responses:

Thank you so much for sharing. You are so strong and so brave and we are really honored to be helping you on your healing journey....You are such an beautiful and vibrant soul... can't wait to chat more with you and THANK YOU for being so open with us!!!  You are so amazing!  Have a lovely weekend and chat with you soon!!

I am taken back by how open and honest you are with yourself, and in turn being able to communicate so clearly where you are right now.  It sounds like you are in a very high stress situation, emotionally, mentally and physically.  That is quite the combination and it makes sense that your concentration with work would be affected.  But have faith that we can help you get through this and we are very excited to help you start this journey!
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My response: I'm going to need a few days.  My father just passed, and I am grieving on top of grieving the loss of my relationship with (my abuser), but have decided to plan out a memorial to get the healing I need for myself.  I'm also going to take a few days off work to sit and process.  I'll reach out to you in a few days once I can get a handle on what feels like a roller coaster running through a whirlwind.
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Monday was the hardest day for me, but I talked to my dad, and between that, the support system I realize I have and the healing energy I'm being continuously sent from amazing people such as yourselves, it has been a lot easier to deal with my Dad's passing than it is the continuous abuse X is showing me.  I thank him in a way, he's showing me so little of the person I thought I loved...it's not easier, but it's harder to continue to love the person he is currently. 

With that said, I really do want to move on, and I know it's short notice, tomorrow being Friday and all, but here is my situation.  I have taken bereavement leave from work so I can focus on my own healing for a few days.  Writing the memorial invite was hard, and writing what I'm going to say at the memorial will be even harder, but I'm up to the task and being gentle with myself.  As I'm not working, I am moving at a very slow pace, focusing on the things I want to focus on, and hopefully will come out the other end with clearer focus. 

Meaning, I could really use what you both are offering - the consultation, the reiki session, as well as the coaching session.  Throughout it all I will be both client and observer from a business perspective.  I can help you brainstorm ideas for shortening the consultation (you mentioned length is an issue) as well as maybe a name for what it is you're doing...I have some ideas but they will be better formed during/after.  I'd love to tell you about my previous/similar work with other practitioners, and get a sense of how I can best support you both.

I do fully understand I am still grieving and I know you are taking that into consideration, but this is what I need and what would be best for me at this time.  So talk it over and let me know.  The memorial is the 22nd, I go back to work the 24th.  I have a few appointments but other than that my calendar is wide open.  I'll also sign up for Friday Yoga
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Their response: Thanks for reaching out.  It looks like you have been really putting yourself first these last couple of days, and let us be here to give you a virtual hug, high-five, and a "* yeah! good for YOU!"  Nothing seems "easy" for you right now and that can be potential for you to want to run away or ignore what's happening.  But instead you choose to take the time you need to process these feelings and we are here to congratulate you on that. I'm so sorry for what you have been going through.  I fully believe that you will come out the other side stronger, and more confident.

So then I had a reiki/coaching session with both sisters and this was the feedback I provided:

Suggestions - to cut down the time of intake, you said you had set questions you like to ask, but often you can't get to them because the tangents that the conversation takes...and I get that, and wanted our conversation to continue - I felt like I was really seen, and validated for being me, it was lovely.  Perhaps sending the questions as an intake form to complete before the conversation, where you can already understand some of where this individual is coming from, and that way save time to focus on the tangents?  Perhaps you have already tried and there are reasons you prefer a live conversation, such as the individual steers you towards which questions are most important to ask...but perhaps there is a way to get some of the information prior to the intake call itself.

As I mentioned on the feedback form, much like with the guided meditation, my thoughts took me several places during the reiki session, and it was so insightful I wish I could have taken notes....I followed the "rules" though and immersed myself in the experience.  I know these thoughts that I had will come up at another time, or maybe subconsciously they did the work they were there to do and moved on?  Who knows.  This is my own personal experience, and I'm not sure how other clients are...perhaps they don't overthink as much?  All in all I would say the reiki session was akin to a beautiful dream I just wanted to hold on to after waking.

Reading the summary notes helped me to re-live the empowered feeling I had at being validated.  Even now, this morning I listened to something that is supposed to be inspirational from the universe, and it said I need to take responsibility for everything that's happened to me, even things that happened as a young child, because there's a part of me that needed that lesson...that may be my interpretation of things, it's not a direct quote...but then I internalize that as "Everything that has happened to me is my fault, I have to not be a victim, not blame everyone else, I need to own this" And then your words "It's not your fault, there is no fault" - I almost feel as if I need follow up chats, reminders, pep talks or something to keep me going until I can do this on my own.  I understand that you're offering that, but again, like I mentioned on the feedback form, the fact that you both resonate with me so much, I just want to chat with you like friends, not feel as if I'm a client receiving a service...and it's honestly something I've felt before with other practitioners...so it's just the part of me that's craving finding her community, not pressure on you to BE MY FRIEND! haha, if that makes sense.  I'm not sure if again, this is a common issue that clients have, or just me. 

I had thoughts of how you could further your marketing, and can't remember that thought right now (it was during one of the sessions) so let me think on it, it'll come back to me....but let me know when we can discuss how I can help you both - as you've both helped (and continue to help) me immensely!

They never did follow up with me on how I could help them...partly because I've been drowning in trauma/burnout/isolation for the past 3 years and just didn't have the capacity...but that illusion of connection I felt with them was enough to make me feel like I could pretend they were my friends...because I didn't have anything else. 

[Eireanne]

I had this in an email draft since January...I had thought to send it to all of my "friends" hoping they'd get the hint and show up for me?  But the most I can ever get is the "thinking of you" text out of them....so I'll just put this here as a reminder:

Keeping in touch with friends can be more rewarding than you think; social relationships impact everything, including mental health and overall mood. But it's often hard to notice how much our friendships mean until there's a lot of time and distance keeping us apart. Have you been falling short when it comes to keeping in touch with a loved one or a long-distance friend? Well, it's not too late. Call them today. If you don't have time, send yourself a reminder for tomorrow. And if a phone call is simply out of the question, send them something to show you care. Even a small gesture will go a long way—send a text that says "thinking of you." If you've been prioritizing your career at the expense of your social life, reflect on your local network, reach out, and see if they want to plan a day together.

Since I HAD been prioritizing my "career" at the expense of my social life - I had been actively reaching out to everyone I knew, seeing if they wanted to plan a day together - well, they didn't.  Still don't.  Lucky me. 

[Eireanne]

My first attempt at a response to feeling invalidated by someone I reached out to for help (Feb 6th):

I feel like everything I say can be taken two ways, and I keep getting caught up in semantics, so I'm not expressing myself accurately, but I keep realizing it's not me, it's just my communication style is different.  I am not depressed.  I'm what happens when you keep someone in isolation longer than is mentally healthy for them.  I'm shutting down because there is no aspect of my life when I feel a connection to someone.  

To illustrate my point, you say, "you have friends, X and X are your friends" but what you don't realize is the dynamic of our friendship has changed dramatically, and I really only see them about 6 times a year.  That's really hard when they are the closest people to me physically. 

The next closest person is my friend X, whom I ask every week if we could set up some time to talk and she'll say, sure, I'll give you a call this week, and the entire week goes by and I don't hear from her.  I get it, things come up, people get busy, but it's not just X and it's not just this one thing, it's literally every aspect of my life I have no one.  

I have no emergency contact.  I have no next of kin.  When I had a breast cancer scare, I had to advocate for myself, and take myself to all my appointments, and hold my own hand.  Be strong for myself.  I did it again when I had surgery.  Yes, X and X are there when I need, so when the surgeon said I wasn't allowed to call an uber to take me home, it HAD to be someone I knew, I literally had no one else to ask if X and X couldn't help me.  

I've lived here over 10 years and I haven't been able to maintain a friendship with ANYONE.  I get it, making friends is hard, but I have no options if I want to go to brunch with other people.  Or if I'm struggling with something and could use someone else's perspective? I have no one else to ask but myself.  If I have a really hard day and could just use a hug? I can't remember the last time anyone touched me....sometimes I just crave being held, like the core of my being is so empty and I need SOMETHING to fill it.  

I don't feel this way because I'm depressed, and when I learn to love myself I won't feel this way...these are just facts.  I've fought against it my entire life.  You could argue that it's my negative reel telling me I'm alone...but I am alone.  Yes, I'm doing everything I can to change that, but it still takes time.  So while my neighbor across the hall and I have had tea a few times, even cooked a dinner together, when she invites people over she doesn't ever text me and ask me to come on over to meet other people.  which is fine! But at the same time, it's really hard to sit alone in my house and hear the laughter and the talking...

and really, the only things I do socially is because I invite myself to them.  I can't remember the last time someone invited me out...again, semantically, I don't want to stray too far off the point to have you explain to me I shouldn't take these things personally, I don't.  Tonight, I was excluded from team dinners at work, because I'm (just) support staff, so I could have felt bad to be excluded, I took myself out to my favorite restaurant, and didn't care I was there by myself, I savored that meal! Then I came back to the hotel and forced myself to be social and ended up making two new work friends AND get the ear of leaders who respect me for all the work I do - all while X acts like X and tries to get under my skin. 
 
But even this night...I have no one to share it with, no one to tell, "hey, I had a great day!" I don't have that. People say "you don't have that yet" My point I was trying to make the other night, I've never experienced it.  And sometimes, I need to grieve that.  

[sanmagic7]

keep up the good work, EA,  eventually something will click for you, i have no doubt. 

by the by, those 'inspirational' phrases and pep talks never helped me, either.  trauma doesn't work in a straight line.  love and hugs

[Eireanne]

I feel really lost.  Scared.  My entire life revolves around the same themes.  The same invalidation.  The same feelings and I don't know what to do with them or about them.  The feeling that things have been THIS BAD for so long...and would they not be this bad if I were somehow...not me.  Like the me I am has some fundamental flaw. One that everyone senses and recoils from subconsciously. 

I found something I wrote years ago and it really makes me feel incredibly defeated.  Like none of it MEANS anything and it all points to - there's something wrong with you that you need to fix.  This is societies message to me my entire life - you don't fit in, you aren't like us, there is no space for you here.  And as I live through - yet again - this great loss of being stripped of all the fragile things that are held in place to give me the illusion of security, I am once again adrift with nothing but the knowledge that I've made it this far...and my body and mind have now given up, because it's been too long, the fight has been too hard and I've nothing to show for it.  Sure it sounds like a lot of things it's not, but it's that I want to really discuss this and find validation.  And how am I supposed to give that to myself?  Meanwhile, I'm being an incredibly selfish person by focusing solely on what I need and forgetting how to show up for someone else, because no one is showing up for me and I'm too needy right now. 

Is it something in my nature to be treated like I have been and what do I do to break out of the cycle?
So fried, can't form a coherent thought.

Everything will be fine in the end, if it's not fine, then it's not the end.

Slow down and come to terms with what's really important to you
-> Learn to let go of the things that bother you.
-> My weakness is my lack of belief in myself
-> not confident enough - find some sense of ideology that will help build up your own self-confidence
-> Check biorhythms

What makes me happy? Being with friends, good food.

Lack of communication REALLY bothers me

Sweet angel who has lost her wings

It was a nightmare, why did I stay so long?

My entire life has been one where people tell me if I weren't "this way" maybe things wouldn't be so hard. 

By remaining static and not changing the pattern of behavior you repeat the old patterns repeatedly.  It is important to re-evaluate whether a learned behavior is really working for you or is keeping you in homeostasis.

There is a reason why you keep getting stuck and unable to move forward - when you continue to repeat a bad pattern, you are doing it for a reason.  You must find the reason in order to change the behavior. 

Some of the behavior patterns that you learned in life become automatic.  You don't think about the response or eevaluate the cause and effect - just on autopilot. 

[sanmagic7]

EA, i think reframing can be a good thing for many things, but i'm not sure it works for all things.  how do you reframe something you haven't experienced?  maybe it's the 'non-experience' that could possibly be reframed.  for ex., if i wasn't allowed to have boundaries as a child, maybe not having boundaries can be reframed as something to be learned.  not having been allowed boundaries gives me a stepping stone to knowing what is and isn't good for me.  just a thought.

you are feeling lost and scared right now, and i get it.  this stuff can be smothering, overwhelming, and frightening.  keep at it, ok?  love and hugs

[Armee]

The same themes do keep coming up with PTSD. We try to master them subconsciously, but honestly that doesn't seem to work that well as we keep doing the same thing expecting a different result. I was doing that at work and didn't see it till I quit my job. I still don't know how to fix it but at least I see it  I kept recreating the scene and trying to get things to be different but I was just setting up everything to be the same and retraumatizing myself on repeat. It is a normal trauma thing though. It's what we survivors do until we see the pattern and can disrupt it.

We also feel broken and different. That's protective. It helps us blame ourselves.

Keep working it through with your therapist. Over time there will be tiny cracks that eventually lead to slow seismic shifts and eventually to connection with yourself and others. You are not wrong. Wrong things happened but you as a person are not wrong or defective. But our systems get all haywire from the trauma and it takes a long time and hard skilled work to rewire in a way that helps us instead of continuing the harm.

[Armee]

Hi EerieAnne,

I'm afraid my last reply to you may have come across as lecture-y or something. But I just wanted to see how are you feeling today?

[Eireanne]

We know from the condition known as body dysmorphia that it's no use telling someone who feels they are disgusting that they are in fact very nice looking.

We need to help them understand how they grew to hate themselves so much and show them, via a friendship, that there could be another way of relating to who they are. We have some hints about how our minds work from the way we acquire language: children fluently pick up incredibly complex patterns of speech from listening to those around them in the early years. A parallel emotional process is going on. If someone when we were little was speaking hate, and shame and guilt to us, we will have started to speak like that to ourselves - and it won't be easy, in adulthood, to learn a new language, let alone to come to speak it fluently to ourselves.

Telling someone mired in self-hatred to 'cheer up' or 'like themselves a bit more' is going to be as impatient as telling someone from England to 'just speak Bulgarian'. It's going to take time and a lot of training. Nevertheless, if we want to think about what an ambitious project for humanity would look like, it would be a giant program of learning to replace the internalized languages of hate and enmity with those of love and compassion. We've trying to do this for a couple of millenia at least. But we've done a pretty poor job of it so far - and the project feels more urgent than ever. We might start today, by speaking a few stumbling phrases of love to the self-hating part of ourselves and to someone we know near us who is perhaps right now mired in shame and inadequacy.

How else might we get by, given how many possibilities have been closed to us? How could we fertilize the dung heap we are on? Our challenge is to learn to rebuild our futures intelligently  and creatively on the ruins of our old lives.

[sanmagic7]

amen, EA  love and hugs