Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

I keep wanting to start over...re-read what I've expressed so far and organize it.  I want to take the time to be thoughtful and respond to all the responses I've received...I just feel like it's all too much and I haven't even STARTED.  My brain is protecting me because I'm so afraid this dam will burst and all this pain will flood out...not in a cathartic release, but in the overwhelming agony of experiencing these feelings my entire life and NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT. 

There were times when I was a teenager, the pain I felt was so overwhelming, I would try to describe it, it's like my head was filled with cotton, like when you open up a pill bottle for the first time, you break the seal and pull out all that cotton...I couldn't understand things THEN, and I have the same brain NOW, so what's changed? I still have the same level of being understood and having support as I did then - which is minimal...I keep convincing myself this time is different, I have this journal...it's not years and years of journaling the same thing and being trapped in an echo chamber, and yet I can't seem to just sit down and deal with the things I need to deal with so I can PRESENT them to someone else. It's still all trapped in my brain and I keep distracting myself with things I am convinced are "doing the work" when I know it's just avoidance.  I know me too well, and I'm so tired of everyone's echoes of things that have been said to me over the years getting in the way. I'm tired of it all, I'm tired of everything, I'm tired of feeling it's always been this way and now magically something is supposed to be different - when I'm not different and I haven't developed any tools that make me approach the situation differently. 

I mean it's great, I finally have justification I was right all along, and I'm smarter than everyone around me...but no one cares and so it's like NOW WHAT? What do I DO to get out of this cycle?  I've been asking this question for 20+ years and it's so hard to keep hopeful and keep trusting when that has only led to more pain and isolation.  So I spend time venting and getting stuff out instead of focusing on what it is I really WANT to be doing, and I am not sure what that is.  I think I do, but it may just be more wasted time focusing on validation and justification.  Unsure.

[Eireanne]

Relational Trauma and Developmental Trauma relate a lot.  But not ALL of it, and I wonder if it's a form of confirmation bias I'm experiencing.  I'm spending too much energy trying to convince people (imaginary people in my own head) that SEE?? SEE??? And see what?  Ok...what's the NEXT step?

...ongoing stress (misattunement) without proper reattunement deeply disrupts an infant's ability to experience being in the center – being attuned to. Infants, toddlers, and children who experience this disruption on an ongoing basis grow physically (although even physical growth can be stunted). But emotionally, the foundations for forming relationships, feeling safe and at rest in the world, and self-regulation are deeply damaged...without a foundation in attunement, and the sense of ongoing secure footing in the world it provides, the higher-order functions (logic, concentration, retention and ability to respond and not react) that follow develop above these missing steps.

Children who do not frequently experience attunement are unable to form secure attachments (stable relationships). This applies not only to others but also to being able to be attuned to themselves, and to their own needs.

Inability to attune to self and others is a precursor, of course, to a variety of destructive symptoms. Underlying many, if not all, of these is the perception of survivors that relationships are not predictable or safe or that life itself is not safe. Beneath the chaos and struggle that often seem to churn around these individuals is a determined effort to connect with others in the only way they know how — reactive engagement.

Maybe this is why journaling has never worked for me...all of the healing I'm doing is still in isolation, without getting my social needs met, my need for engagement...I don't know.

[Eireanne]

Someone recently suggested I'm experiencing a Dark Night of the Soul....isn't it great if we look for an explanation for our situation hard enough something will present itself?

It's as if we are doing everything we can to stay afloat, and it seems as if the universe, the world, and life is against us.  The dark night of the soul is more localized to feeling distressed and disoriented in our relationship with the bigger meaning to life. It affects one's worldview, beliefs, perspective, habits, thoughts, and relationships.  It's an existential crisis due to intense pain caused by outside disruption you have no control over. This could be, but is not limited to, the death of a loved one, extreme poverty, an illness, betrayal, injustice, abuse, job loss, and so on.  You may feel as if life, and specifically the life you've been living, is meaningless during this stage.  Think of the journey through the dark night as an inverted bell curve—rather than peaking high up in the middle, this journey leads you down, down, down to the depths.

You may become emotionally numb, lose friends and family, isolate, and/or numb through addictions during this time. Often in this phase, family and friends abandon us. This phase turns into the darkest hours of our life, but it will also teach us a valuable lesson if we are open to receive it.

I feel like I've been here countless times before, but I never get to the "valuable lesson"

This stage can include physical symptoms of stress such as headaches, nausea, and body aches, and even psychological and emotional manifestations. 

The dark night of the soul will accentuate what you need to release or otherwise transform. Um, I'm still not clear on what I need to release and transform, other than EVERY facet of my being....sigh. Burn it all down and start again like a phoenix rising from the ashes? 

If you are someone who likes to be in control of things and fight the direction the universe presents to you, you may end up facing the same situations over and over again, until you learn the lesson and align with your ultimate purpose - see, again, I don't know how to be in control of things, everything seems to just happen TO me, and I'm buffeted around, not knowing how to stand up to this constant feeling of being beat down by things outside of my control.  I feel I AM open to learn these lessons, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be learning, yet the same situations happen over and over...this isn't the first time I've felt like this, in fact, I've felt like this so long I can't remember a time when I haven't felt this way...so what do I DO with it now to get a different outcome and to actually get out of it this time??

[Moondance]

Hi Eerie Anne 

I can so relate to your post (s).  I'm certain that my response here is nothing new to you.  Your post however brings these thoughts to me which is helping me further process what is happening to me or has happened to me.      In fact I have often asked myself what am I doing wrong that the same situations keep happening all the time for what seems like an eternity?  Am I doing the same things over and over again expecting different results? I definitely would prefer different results.  As I wrote this my thought is, well yes the same things are happening over and over again because my response remains the same as well.   I have CPTSD (+ more) and I have not YET been able to change my response/reaction, especially when I am triggered.   My body, my mind, my whole being is lost in this quagmire called CPTSD, so yes I respond the same until I learn the "lesson" or my wiring is fixed.  For myself I don't have much hope in being fixed.  For others I have hope though!

Thank you for your post - not sure if my post makes any sense at all  but this is my attempt at sharing the burdens and to say I hear you, I stand with you and for you.

to you if your okay with it, if not please disregard. 

[Armee]

 

[Eireanne]

@Moondance - thank you so much, your post made perfect sense...I appreciate you *hug*

@Armee thank you for the etiquette tip about messages - I can try to respond to people here...It's still a bit of an adjustment for me navigating this forum, thank you!

I will go back and add more acknowledgement once I get through a backlog of stuff that's been trying to get out lately    

[Armee]

Hi EA, that's only my own personal thing, I don't think it's universal across the forum. I just personally don't do the PMs because of a past experience, and trauma. 

[Eireanne]

Reading this brought up a lot of feels and I was just going to delete it, but I decided to sit with them a bit instead.  So here's what comes up when I read this:

discovering the root cause of what has been keeping you stuck - yes, I'm chronically isolated and cannot solve my own problems with only MY OWN THINKING to solve them - which I brought up to them once, and they were like, yes, we are using that theme in our next newsletter! No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it.

My consciousness created this situation from learned behavior and treatment from everyone else around me, yet somehow with not ever experiencing ANYTHING DIFFERENT, I'm just supposed to heal? Wow.  Thanks.  Ok...what else do you got?

you are still looking for more understanding, new tools, and a community of like-minded people to help support you as you continue your growth journey. - yep, right again, it's like these people KNOW me...I DO want more understanding, because none of this makes sense, how am I just supposed to learn something new in a vacuum? How am I supposed to change my thinking when this is all I've ever experienced, I have tried every tool I have and nothing is working....YES I need a community of like-minded people to help support me.

So I would go to them, week after week, assuming they were my community, these were my people, this was my village.  And man, it HURT to be invalidated and rejected by them.  By the people I thought were my friends, but also by these people who...I supported, and even though I KNEW our relationship wasn't equivalent, they were at least empathetic people that would show up for me - after all, this was my village, right? 

So now, they did me this hugest favor, because if they had shown up for me, I would still be stuck, thinking this is what friendship is.  Getting texts that say, "hang in there" when my life is falling apart and "you are enough" when I feel desperately alone.  Sending me a belated holiday card to show me how full your own life is, after I tell you how empty my own is.  All these women are doing is finding a way to market my vulnerabilities, under the guise of a "growth journey" like pretty much everyone else out there.  But when I really showed up and said, oh, I'm super needy, I need my community support - they let me know loud and clear I wasn't it.  And I don't want to waste my energy on these people.  So I'm letting go of limiting beliefs people that no longer serve me.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In this aspect of your life, you are in the middle of your personal growth journey.

You have done the foundational work of looking inside yourself and discovering the root cause of what has been keeping you stuck.
You have experienced shifts in your perspective, which have created space for you to let go of limiting beliefs that no longer serve you.
You have discovered healing tools that work for you but you are still looking for more understanding, new tools, and a community of like-minded people to help support you as you continue your growth journey.
Foundational work is really challenging so make sure you give yourself the credit you deserve. Bravo!

With that said, there are times that you find yourself falling back into old patterns, especially when unexpected stressful circumstances arise.

You have experienced enough positive change in your life to know that showing up for yourself consistently, and creating new healthier habits allows you to live a life with more joy and ease.
You are starting to experience the deeper and richer version of yourself, but still have hesitancy to fully embrace it and let it shine.
At this point in your personal growth journey, you are looking for ways to experience the positive changes in your life on a more consistent basis. You know that the hard work has been worth it, even if you find yourself falling back onto comfortable old habits more than you'd like to admit. You know enough now that you want to continue investing into the newer version of yourself.

We are excited to have you here in our XXX community.

You are ready to continue your personal growth journey by transitioning from awareness to behavior changes. You ready to creating actionable steps to get you closer to where you want to be.

According to your answers we suggest the small steps package to match your current lifestyle and where you are on your personal growth journey.

24/7 access to video library

early access to events + workshops

monthly newsletter guiding you forward

[Eireanne]

Not sure what everyone's beliefs are regarding Tarot cards, I understand some have issues with it so content warning


...embody our future selves in order to shorten the gap between the starting point and our desired goals.

Imagine that you are already your most successful self and in the place where you want to be, with all the positive habits and routines that you've developed. Treat yourself the way you would if you were already happy with where you are. Now emulate those helpful habits and routines in your daily life. Perhaps this version of you takes daily vitamins, meal preps, reads half an hour before going to bed every day, and to her favorite music. It is time to start acting as this version of you and follow your own roadway to the success that this version of you already has.

Write a kindly letter from your Future Self to the current you, so that you can read it whenever you falter or whenever you need a word of encouragement.
This...I still don't no how to do.  I'm too busy apologizing to my inner child. 

This version of you is so compassionate towards you and wants the very best for you.

The Hierophant also calls us to release the attachments that obstruct our path and get in the way of communication with the divine and our future self. We want to become a clean slate, an open cup for divinity to fill and speak to us. Then we can more readily transmit divinity message to us. This is how we can awaken to the power of the divine and our passion for conveying its message. Even if we don't feel like we know it all (in truth,  we never do), we may also step up to teach if a student comes our way or if we feel called to do so. Do not doubt the wisdom you have gained from experiences.

[Eireanne]

In my search to find something that makes sense, something I can use to get out of this cycle, my algorithm on YouTube suggests a ton of stuff for C-PTSD but none of it really fits...me.  I'm so confused, because I read all the comments and everyone is like, "Yes! Exactly!" and I'm like...no...that's not it.  Which triggers all the therapists who have gotten defensive with me when I've told them what they are trying isn't working and they just tell me I'm being resistant.  And all the times I've felt this is all there is...so there is this 1.5 hour long video that was suggested to me this morning: LONELINESS, Isolation are Common Signs of Trauma That Need HEALING - by Anna Runkle, the crappy childhood family.  And she starts out, "do you keep losing friends but you don't know why? If you were abused or neglected in childhood...complex PTSD at its heart it's an injury to your ability to connect with other people...to feel as adults that we are somehow not quite part of things, do you have this or you feel like you're on the outside of groups?" Yes.  So I listen on.

"...we need people we need them on a practical level and we need relationships if we're going to start healing the wounds of trauma which are largely relational wounds they affect your nervous system but they were caused by what happened between you and other people you know...so the healing needs to happen before you have social relationships but it needs to happen within social relationships the little interactions is where you get to practice what you're learning and where you get nourished emotionally even though sometimes there's pain involved..."

But then she starts in saying how avoiding the pain, self isolating, withdrawing from others...and I'm not doing ANY of that.  She warns, "...[isolated people] get more self-centered they get more bitter they get more paranoid and then it gets harder to turn the ship like back towards connection again because you've gotten too eccentric too awkward" and I'm terrified this is what's going to happen to me.

People no longer seem real to me.  You are all just words on a screen, I don't remember what human touch feels like...I have to pay a massage therapist $120 just to feel connected to someone for 50 minutes.  I have to pay my therapist god knows how much just to have someone to talk to for one hour.  This is NOT something I'm CHOOSING. 

I already feel so defeated.  This is the message I keep getting...feel isolated? Go volunteer. Have gratitude.  Put your own needs aside, be there for others.  No one understands what it's like to constantly put yourself out there and get nothing back, while at the same time being viewed by others as "this is a CHOICE I am making".  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. 

[Eireanne]

Notes from a book I read called You Are Psychic:

Your self-esteem can be influenced by the way other people think and feel about you, or even how these other people think about themselves.

Our self-esteem is very closely tied to how other people perceive us or how we think they perceive us, as well as the energy that they send (and that we accept).

When others have an image of you, which may be totally unrelated to who you really are, but it resonates with energy already in your aura it decreases your self-esteem.

Working through...there is going to be a period of adjustment, referred to as a growth period. During this period, all kinds of emotions, possibly conflicting ones, may arise, and it can feel very unsettling because you will have just discarded what you previously thought was you, but was really just a bunch of past time perceptions, ideas, and emotions. For a while you may find yourself hanging in mid air, not knowing where you will land or even who you are. You may also experience grief for all the time you wasted being caught up in those silly pictures. Just remember to go easy on yourself.

Your success or failure may have been directly proportional to the receptivity and accompanying energy of your audience. The energy of nervousness and anxiety is not only contagious, it also has a snowball effect, so you may actually be a confident public speaker but when surrounded by others experiencing stage right, you might match their fear and have a much harder time delivering your speech.

All information is filtered through a persons life experiences, emotions, personality, biases and MEI pictures.

If you see a certain symptom, the last thing you want to do is impose a preconceived interpretation on it. Instead, ask questions to try to understand the context behind what the person is experiencing. You must turn down and get out of your analytical, logical mind in order to see what is in front of you.

There are only so many projects, relationships, responsibilities and problems we can handle before our system start to malfunction through physical, mental or emotional illness.

Expressing yourself is undesirable, irritating to others, or shameful, and as a result the fifth chakra will contract. By creating a safe environment where children are encouraged to appropriately expressed their feelings, children will maintain healthy chakras and be less vulnerable to physical ailments throughout their lives. They will also become more competent and confident communicators and public speakers.

Taking pills without addressing the spirits needs like putting Band-Aids on an amputated limb.

There is really no such thing as a problem; a problem is merely a cognitive definition of how someone is emotionally reacting to a certain situation. One person will label a certain situation or problem, while another will label it as a challenge, and another will think it's funny or exciting. Problem energy is stuck energy.

Struggles have more to do with differences in personalities, desires, and goals between well-intentioned parents and their children. All the crazy making around her, has much more to do with the dysfunction, blindness, or self-centeredness of her parents than the flaws within herself.  Parents are constantly projecting rules, expectations and judgments onto the child. The energy left behind these projections is so intrusive that the child may feel like, and therefore become, almost a totally different person when they are around their family versus when they are not. Your parents projections continue to persist far into adulthood, even when it is logically clear that they have nothing to do with reality.

[Moondance]

Thank you Eireanne,

Your sharing brings up the following thoughts and feelings for me.  It may not be helpful to you as far as an answer to your question but hopefully there is a sense of caring can be shared in this exchange.

Yes, well I have been saying it's my choice to isolate  but I choose it because its too painful now to do much of anything else.  I'm too tired to keep trying after all the years of  efforts the abuse, the manipulations, the betrayals, the lies, etc, etc, and like you posted I think I am now very awkward in relationship. And even though I think of myself as a compassionate person I agree that I have felt very selfish and not part of and able to give much of anything to anyone because I feel completely depleted.  Is it because I need to heal some first before making an effort again?   And thinking that through, I still choose to isolate from the world as much as possible.  I am finding this forum helpful, though, by first relating so strongly that I must respond.  So, in a sense, forced to respond, so this is a good thing.  And 2nd, I am feeling supported by like minds.  This forum feels way more safe to me than unsafe; there are unspoken boundaries that are respected, and I really appreciate that because I have a hard time picking up cues that I need to set boundaries and once I figure it out that I need to set a boundary I find it difficult.  Even saying that makes me feel very vulnerable. 

I do understand and acknowledge you want more and I wish that for you so much.  I hope you keep at it, keep on searching for your answers. 

to you if accepted if not please disregard

Thank you again for sharing.

[Eireanne]

Dr. Nicole LePera "The Holistic Psychologist" often posts helpful things to LinkedIn, so I started following her to better understand my c-ptsd and how it shows up differently than other forms of trauma.  She seemed to "get it".  However, a lot of her posts bring up stuff for me, so I'm just going to spend some time reacting to them. 

https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/

Attracting honest people into your life requires you to do the same, even when it doesn't feel good. I can't say I agree with this, because I'm always honest, even when it gets me in trouble, and I don't seem to attract honest people to my life.

The pain from a friendship break up is real. We expect friendships to last forever. The ending is just as painful as romantic break ups we just don't talk about it. True - since I've only ever had one "romantic" relationship, I view every single one of my friendships as relationships and breaking up with people I thought were my friends is devastating.

Not everyone wants to get better. Some people do, but aren't ready for all the work it takes. Some people are very comfortable and predictable misery. Excepting this is part of maturing in life. This is so triggering.  My first huge bout of depression happened when I was still a teenager, and I remember my mom opening my bedroom door and asking, "How long are you planning on being miserable for?" To this day, I'm still here, curled up in bed, miserable.  This was NOT my plan.  I DO want to get better. I HAVE been doing everything everyone has told me, but I'm not GETTING ANYWHERE.  Nothing in my life is changing, no matter how much people keep telling me "they can really see how I've grown"  What are they seeing? Because I'm still losing everything and not being supported by anyone.

Children who grow up with emotionally unavailable parents have to earn love or approval. They're conditioned to believe it's normal to put everyone before themselves. In healthy relationships, there's reciprocity. People enrich others lives. They feel supported and like equals. They don't expect another person to do for them what they can do for themselves. I think a lot of people assume what I can do from myself and accuse me of being co-dependent when I ask for help.  They don't have the frame of reference that the things they are assuming I can manage I've never actually experienced.  It's literally like asking their child to do it and wondering why I'm not more successful, then abandoning me when I can't figure it out alone.

As a child, what role did I have with my parents? 
Was I their therapist? yes.
Did I help them manage marriage or financial issues? not finances, but I was often their mediator
Did I hide my feelings? No, I told them how I felt all the time and was accused of being too sensitive, too emotional, too needy, too dramatic
Did they meet my needs? They didn't even know what my needs were.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Intentionally punishing someone with removal of love is a coping mechanism of emotionally immature people. It says when you do some thing I don't like, I deny your very existence. That's what my mom did the last time I saw her. She literally ran from me because I said something she didn't want to hear, then hid behind a row of parked cars until I gave up and left her alone.

Signs were raised by a father who had unresolved trauma - he over shared intimate details of situations. YesHe struggled to show any physical affection or have any emotional vulnerable conversations Yes. He unconsciously shamed you for showing certain emotions. Yes - and consciouslyHe regularly mocked or teased you as a way to show affection. Yes  I grew up thinking my dad hated me.  He told other people he was proud of me, but never me.  He would cringe if I asked to give him a hug and would say, "quick, let's get it over with"

Unresolved trauma or attachment wounding reveals itself most in romantic relationships. Lots of people feel fine alone (I don't feel fine), or great with close friends (I don't have close friends) then they get in a romantic relationship and all their wounds show up. All my wounds are showing up ALL THE TIME). 

They can't have a conversation without an explosion or shutting down. I often get louder when I feel like I'm not being heard.  It's like this unconscious assumption that I am not being heard because I'm not speaking up.  A lot of people accuse me of being "too quiet" and I often have to repeat myself - constantly.  So when I say a thing and I'm disregarded, I say the same thing over and over again until the point I'm screaming it and still not getting the response I need - then I shut down.

They appease their partner and don't voice their issues because they fear being abandoned. Yes, I often appease my abuser and attempt to not create conflict because it means the friendship will end if I try to set a boundary, or ask for something they've promised.  Every time I would fight with my abusive ex, he would leave the house and come back hours later as if nothing ever happened, and I'd be in the same or worse mindstate just waiting to continue the conversation, not understanding why my needs weren't being met

These wounds show up so we can have the courage to look at them and learn to respond in new ways What are these new ways??, so that we can finally healed destructive patterns, and rebuild self trust. These wounds show up so we can learn there are safe people who actually do have our back. Who are these safe people??

Successful relationships aren't about healed people coming together to have the perfect relationship.
Unhealed people - learning to love out of survival mode. Their nervous system's finding peace and sharing space with each other. Not expecting perfection, but instead honoring each others humaness. Lifting each other up and encouraging each other to try again. How to be silly, how to have fun together,  learning to play. Creating a safe space for freedom and mutual evolution. Learning to see the best in each other and themselves, having the courage to show the parts of themselves they usually hide, forgiving themselves and each other over and over again, learning how to ask for help, accept help, and build security, crying together on the kitchen floor as they repair after conflict, bringing out the best in each other through bringing out the best in themselves.

Idealize relationships where you see mutual respect, admiration, and underneath it all true friendship. Relationships where you see people committed to supporting the best versions of each other, where people have hit rock bottom, then talked it out, repaired, and rebuild a relationship of trust.

There is no greater feeling than re-creating yourself. Especially if you've never learned healthy love, or didn't have the best examples of how to navigate life. Nobody but you knows how hard it was to pull yourself up from emotional rock-bottom. Those lessons made you who you are, and no one can take them away from you.

Finding a stable love when all you knew growing up was chaos is one of the most under recognized achievements. Love you can count on, the love you wake up in the middle of the night to laugh with, the love that feels like home should have always felt.

My parents are human beings with their own unresolved trauma and beliefs about their self-worth. I don't need them to acknowledge trauma to heal it.

[Eireanne]

What I'm going through right now – recognizing that most of my life, I've been conditioned to be unheard/not validated and I'm doing the work on my own that everyone I "trusted" should have done for me.  I have a lot of resentment/grief over this, especially as I do the work alone and I read that the only way to do the work is to have support*.

As I learn something for myself, I need to see if I understand it by being able to explain it to someone else.  Not having anyone willing to be the sounding board for me to explain has been rough and has delayed my progress (again resentment/grief).

I look at things as being on a spectrum...and forgive me, because I struggle to articulate this, but everything can be on one end or the other depending on several factors, one being a place of scarcity or abundance. 

For example, being a Highly Sensitive Person can be a gift.  This person is observant, they think deeper, consider more, are naturally empathic and compassionate.  When allowed to thrive (abundance) their insight can be a valuable and much needed tool. It is a "good" trait and a benefit.

Take that same trait and don't allow it to thrive, and it turns into a Sensory Processing Disorder.  The individual cannot make sense of the world, in ANY sense - there are short circuits involving feeling, thoughts, the environment around them overstimulates them.  It is now a "bad" trait and a hinderance.

For me personally, my c-ptsd traits were a benefit in the workplace.  Hypervigilance meant I didn't drop balls, I met deadlines, I anticipated people's needs, I went above and beyond to ensure I dotted every i and crossed every t because there was no room for error...even though it was unsustainable. 

Me dealing with a narcissist was easy, because I knew how to navigate that relationship - I've done it my whole life.  Everyone told me how great it was that I could "manage" even as I kept telling them I wasn't managing. 

Only, as things progressed, I felt things were moving down the spectrum from "asset" to "disability".  And since it's not black and white and there are sooo many factors that complicate this issue and make it not straightforward, it's just...too messy for me to navigate on my own.  The duality of all things being true, all perspectives having validity...to finding where MY truth is and presenting it in a way that doesn't make me sound like a victim, or that this is my own fault.  I've never had another person help me to hold strong to the belief that I can remain in that empowered place of abundance where I need to be in all of this.

[Armee]

 

I wish there was something i could do to ease the pain. It is painful to not have your needs met by your parents. I'm so sorry you went through all of that. And it isn't fair to be expected to reparent our attachment wounds and the other damage done to our development when we were never given the tools. It really sucks. It's possible, it's slow. The only person I've found to have the capacity to do this with me is a good therapist.

You do have a lot of strengths but you are right without the nurturing or healing we get to our breaking points.

Sending support.