Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

Data from our senses (eyes, ears, touch, etc.) enters the brain through the thalamus, which relays impulses to other parts of the brain, including the amygdala, which is like a filing cabinet that stores our memories of emotional experiences in life and triggers our "flight, fight or freeze" responses to new life experiences.
Due to small differences in the distances to be traveled, impulses arrive at the amygdala a few nanoseconds before they get to the neocortex. If the sensory data triggers an intense emotional memory in the amygdala, those emotions can trigger an impulsive reaction, essentially hijacking our mouth or body before we are able to rationally process the information. when the amygdala is highly stimulated with intense emotions, it utilizes more blood and oxygen than normal, leaving less of both for the neocortex. This deficit causes a corresponding decrease in our capacity for reasoning, problem solving, and impulse control.
•   AD – Affective dysregulation (heightened/flattened anger, sadness, joy)
•   NSC – Negative self-concept (shame, critical of self/others; feelings of inferiority)
•   DR – Disturbed relationships (difficulty with intimacy; a tendency to isolate; feeling different that others; social anxiety)

In the case of Complex PTSD then one's sense of safety in the world and sense of self are affected. As such, it understandable that different treatment is required for Complex PTSD than for PTSD.

The amygdala shuts down your prefrontal cortex's normal reasoning process in order to take over a certain situation. Your thinking brain gets paralyzed, which means your IQ drops, we lose the ability to make complex decisions, we no longer see other perspectives and our memory becomes compromised.

Only, the symptoms aren't preventing my words, my lack of words are causing the symptoms, so when I don't have the words and you focus on my symptoms, you aren't providing the help I need. 

If we stay in activation state for extended periods, our body goes into dorsal vagal shut down. This is a protection mode because the mind can no longer be in the present moment. This is called disassociation.  Disassociation allows us to function seemingly normally. But we also struggle to form memories or connect with people around us because we've left the body. Children who begin patterns of disassociation will continue to disassociate as adults anytime they are in a situation that triggers their core wounding. This means we might feel threatened even in the absence of real danger. For example: a boss makes a critical comment, you meet someone very similar to an abusive parent, or you're put on the spot when you didn't expect it. This is what the body keeps the score means. The body sees these experiences as a threat to survival honor of autonomic nervous system disassociate to protect us. When this happens we don't remember what happened and we feel foggy or confused.

I don't feel I disassociate.  I do know I tend to try to tell a story from an outsider perspective, I don't modulate my voice, but I don't feel it's disassociating. 
 
Analysis paralysis is a protective mode. Why would we go into protective mode when we're doing something that's good for us? Because the brain doesn't care about what's good for us. The brain is about conserving energy and keeping us within our familiar patterns. Our familiar patterns feel safe to our brain. Even those patterns that are making us miserable. Our brain hears everything is going to change at once. This is too much, we are in danger because I can't predict this. Next, our nervous system becomes activated and we go into freeze mode these are mobilization or immobilization states. We have to work with our mind and body, not against it. We need to get into a social engagement zone, where our nervous system is regulated. In this state, we can move freely, our breathing is slow, And we feel confident. We do this by making small promises to ourselves every day.

People who grew up with chronically impatient parents become terrified of making mistakes. Or of taking any action at all. They internalize the belief that they must be perfect.

This becomes adult procrastination or "analysis paralysis."

The body remembers being hurried and rushed at a time when we needed to be soothed and encouraged.

Parents of past generations had almost zero emotional education. No guidance for how they needed to help their children self regulate, to help them through their pain, and how to meet their emotional needs.

Of course the end result is generational trauma.

Parents do they best they can with what they know....

[Eireanne]

My basic needs to set boundaries and say no have been ignored at work, triggering reactions from my wounded self.

The pandemic also brought into stark focus that I wasn't in anyone's inner circle.  This was the most painful revelation.  Everyone was creating a bubble, and I didn't have one.  I'd stare out the window and ache for something I couldn't put into words.  The people I consider to be my circle, I'd reach out to, but they would be busy. And again, my C-PTSD would tell me to make myself small.

Hack #1 — Name the Emotion
The simple act of recognizing and naming what we're feeling is enough to shift us back into our thinking brain because it requires us to pause, analyze and use language — all skills of the prefrontal cortex. Just saying "I am so mad," is enough to make the feeling less intense and bring you back to a more rational mindset.

Hack #2 — Change the Setting
Similar to naming your emotions, by getting up to move around, you automatically start to consider your surroundings, which reactivates the thinking parts of your brain that got shut down.

Hack #3 — Do a Quick Math Problem
Taking counting to 10 one step further, doing a simple math problem in your head not only requires you to jumpstart your rational thinking, it can also momentarily distract you from the issue causing your emotional response.

Hack #4 — Share the Mental Load
In a study about social support, researchers found that if a person hikes up a hill with another person, they perceive the hill to be less steep than when hiked alone. The same can happen with emotions.

When we share our feelings with a trusted friend or partner, we can actually split the mental load in half and help our brain to feel less threatened.

[Eireanne]

I feel a sense of rejection when I reach out to you and you don't have time for me.  I wonder if it's something I did wrong. I think of all the work I have been doing on my own, and how far I've come but where I get stuck. I crave that human interaction, and ask for it in a variety of different ways but nothing I ask for seems to work, and so I assume I'm being too needy, and that's making people want to be with me less, that I can't work through the trauma of the things I'm dealing with, so when I put them aside and focus on the other person, people tell me how far I've come, how much I've grown, I get the reinforcement that people only like me when I don't have problems.  When I do confide in someone that I have problems their first thought is to tell me to talk to someone.  But talking is what I don't have.  And then I get caught into a loop because there's just so much to unpack. 

People suggest things that make me feel I'm not explaining myself correctly enough, that I need to provide more context and then they are overwhelmed with hearing my stories and tell me they are not my therapist. 

[Eireanne]

Something I wrote last year: I feel like doctors, therapists especially, withhold knowledge that is necessary for my comprehension.  As if everyone is sitting back waiting for me to figure it out, as it's obvious to them.  like when you watch a tv show and the main character has a dilemma and it's clear what they should have done, why aren't they just doing the obvious?

When you factor in my financial insecurity, and the fact that I paid double rent, utilities, taxes, hit rock bottom, panicked and yesterday was the first of the month so I just had to pay rent again, not to mention the things I need to buy for my new house so I can feel like I can stop panicking (microwave, desk, shelves...all going to cost $$) I can't stop freaking out about how my life choices led me here.  How angry I am that I ended up like my mother and I'm some lonely spinster who people are only nice to because they feel bad for me, because I'm so effing pathetic and miserable no wonder I'm alone and it won't stop.

Aside from the financial burden I'm terrified about I feel like I have to have a well thought out...elevator speech? Of what I have tried and why it doesn't work for me, what I believe to be my disabilities are and why I believe CBT doesn't work, and how it's not me NOT being open minded or willing to give someone a chance if I want to NOT waste weeks and $$$ to determine if someone is going to be a good fit, I need to be able to say, THIS is what I'm looking for in a therapist and what I'm not looking for, where do you fall in line with my needs?? And I haven't been able to put my fears into words for a consultation.  All I keep thinking about is that movie, As Good as it Gets and maybe I'm just beyond help and that's why everyone has given up on me.

[Armee]

I don't believe you are beyond help, EA. But you do need a therapist who will do more than CBT. That alone does not fix trauma and can make it feel worse. I'd probably try looking for someone who works with attachment trauma or developmental trauma and who uses several different types of therapy tools, not just cbt or just dbt or just emdr. Etc.

[Moondance]

Your needs are important Eireanne.

I hear you and can so relate.

Safe virtual  for you.

[Eireanne]

I think on some level I've always associated with being an HSP, and I may have already posted this here but once I do take the time to read through my posts, I'll see if I did or not and delete it if it's a duplicate:

Born with a biological trait that gives them a finely tuned nervous system, this unique nervous system is more responsive to environmental stimuli so they process information deeply, feel more deeply and perceive the sights and sounds of the world in a much more amplified way.  A highly sensitive person's nervous system is unable to filter the stimuli like non-hsps - they tend to become easily aroused and overstimulated by what others may experience as normal.  Being a hsp and working eight hours a day in a busy office with a lot of sensory stimuli - this would easily lead the hsp to cognitive fatigue by the end of the day or being in a group with a lot of rich sensory stimuli.

For example: being in a group with multiple conversations whilst children playing in the background and having the tv on - the highly sensitive person experiences a sensory shutdown when there is too much sensory information coming through, this is why highly sensitive people reach their threshold for environmental stimuli much more quicker than non-hsps because of their natural biological height and central nervous system which is why most hsps tend to prefer solitude over crowds and thrive better in calm and peaceful environments.  Knowing the science and research behind high sensitivity can be beneficial to the hsp. 

It explains why so many hsps have deep empathy -having a highly active mirror neuron system gives the highly sensitive people the ability to pick up on what other people are thinking and feeling.

when a hsp reacts to both positive and negative experience
so the environment and lifestyle is very much important
whether the hsp is to thrive or become overwhelmed
because of the short short serotonin transporter that many hsps have

Something to let sink in...

[Eireanne]

Chronic deficits lead to set-point adaptations such that reintroduction to the previous optimum is experienced as a surplus.

Meaning - when I spend all day every day alone, with no human contact or interaction, my body/brain adjusts and considers this "normal" so ANY interaction above this can be "too much".  Which is why I can't stand to be in crowded stores, or in noisy places, or in big groups where everyone is talking.  It's NOT because I'm an introvert (although I very well MAY be) it's because I spent the majority of my life without human connection.   

[sanmagic7]

i don't think you're beyond help either, EA.  It can be trying and daunting to find a therapist who will listen and respect your own knowledge and experience, but it's not necessarily impossible.  it took me a while, but i've finally found one, and it makes a world of difference.  but, as a therapist,   it's my job to tune into a client, ask the right questions, help the client figure out the answers. your job is to do the best you can.  keep taking care.  love and hugs

[Eireanne]

Yesterday I decided to start editing the anecdotal records I had started for the eventual heading back to work and dealing with HR.  I ended up not getting very far, because of all the stuff that came up.  I recognize that there are factors involved my brain thinks I need to get stuff out and part of it is not just writing a thing, feeling like I "got it out" then deleting it...because my feelings need to be honored, not dismissed...but they have no place in the stating of facts, so I started pulling out the worst of the trauma I was experiencing in the retelling:

...everything I want to say gets stuck and I try to research more but everything gets close and doesn't quite grasp exactly what I mean so I shut down.  I don't know how to say what I am trying to say, and in doing so become dysregulated. 

There is good in everything if you just learn how to reframe it.  My issue is, how can I reframe that which I've never experienced? If, as a child, my family was my entire universe then I was led to believe that that is just the way things are. I don't know there's an alternative because this is all I know. I don't know HOW to fight another way, I don't know how to express myself another way, I want those things modeled for me and I don't know where to find the answers I need. 

Think thoughts the size of the success you would like to have. This subtle element is fast and powerful. It will manifest in your life.

This is one of those times when I'm in crisis.  It's not one thing that sets it off.  It's a culmination of a steady stream of little things that build up over time until the dam bursts and I can no longer function.  I can't sleep...which not an accurate statement.  I can trick my brain into falling asleep, but I'll get in about 2-3 hours and suddenly my brain decides to start ruminating over the thing that's causing me trauma.  I don't even realize it, because it starts in my subconscious and can get pretty far into it before I even realize I'm awake.  And I don't know what to do with these thoughts, I have to get them out, I need to tell someone.  Only there's no one to tell. 

I want to text my friend and say, I really need someone to talk to...but there's no one to text. 

The people I know are not trauma informed, and while some of them mean well, they don't fathom the experience I'm being challenged with, to them it's an easy answer – sounds like a bad situation, why not just get your resume together and find another job? 

I was recently told by someone that when you say you're in an abusive situation, but you don't want to leave your abuser, people start thinking you're just acting like a victim...they are confused.  It's like you are being offered help, but you don't want to take it.

She doesn't know how desperately hard I've been trying to get out of my situation since September.  How I can't get myself out of survival mode long enough to handle an interview where I'm supposed to impress someone with my rock star skillset, when I can't even remember what my skills are because my symptoms of PTSD are currently out of control. 

I think of texting a friend again...I pick up my phone and hold it.  I look through all the people that have texted me recently, but I feel shame in asking them to talk to me...it makes them uncomfortable, because they've never been in my situation before, the waves of "I would never allow myself to be in this situation, why does she like being a victim so much" are in my head. 

...writing it now, even just trying to get it out brings up such dysregulation that when I tried to do it at work I can't even type, or think words, or be able to put into words...the sheer terror that I feel right now. So I went to HR and I asked, What accommodations can someone suffering from PTSD in the workplace ask for? Who do I ask for that? I'm too busy being in crisis, all I can do is explain to you my symptoms and how traumatic this is for me, and please someone help me get away from her, and they'd tell me, your job is safe - all you have to do is continue to make her happy. 

I can't tell what's real and what's perceived from the abuse I didn't have time to heal from.  I've been in constant survival mode since then and her unwillingness to compromise on communication style to at least make me...

I would ask, how do I ask for the accommodation that I want to feel psychologically safe, it's purely subjective, I don't understand, how do I find a trauma informed doctor?? and it's taken me months, of trying and not being able to communicate how dire of a situation I was in mentally, and I couldn't get a manager, or co-worker, or HR or even filing a previous...I can't it's too hard, now I won't be able to sleep, this takes so much out of me to be the only one, she kept me in such isolation, she didn't want me to have admin onboarding, I am convinced that the things I disclose will....Please, I do good work, I'm good at what I do, please just help me get out of this psychologically unsafe situation? and I feel like everyone I told just went back to her. and each time she found out about it she'd react in a way I realized I needed to remain hypervigilant.  to the point of exhaustion. 

[Armee]

That's a really traumatizing and retraumatizing situation, EAnne.

[sanmagic7]

   you sound overwhelmed.  maybe some of these pieces could be broken down and processed more slowly?  just a thought.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Thinking of you Erieanne 

[Eireanne]

@moondance - thank you *hugs*
@sanmagic7 - do you have any recommendations for how to process all of this?  This is barely just the tip of the iceberg of what comes up when I attempt to support myself.
@Armee - indeed - thank you

____________________________________________

More stuff that had come up as I attempted to write what happened at work:

My trauma is like trying to tell you a story but starting in the middle and then realizing I didn't start at the beginning, so I back up, and I try again, and I realize wait, I need to go even further back, and have to try again. And when I have a frame of reference like a television show, I can point to it and say, "look, this is what I'm trying to explain to you, I just don't have the words and the reason I don't have the words is because I would have to first have to first show you the science of what trauma is, so I'm laying the groundwork, pointing out the psychological and the triggers are happening in the workplace on a daily basis and the more I advocated for myself, the worse my symptoms got. 

Angry at my place of employment for not allowing me to create the conditions necessary for me to work on my trauma, but instead created an environment that exacerbated my conditions to the point I was in crisis?—

Unable to make conscious memories and I don't know if that's right but that's how it felt...I kept on attributing it to brain fog or some sort of cognitive issue or executive function but it's literally like I couldn't remember anything (even TV shows I was watching) I couldn't get out of my own head long enough because I was scared of everything for so long—

And I would push my brain further and further away because I had to get it right I had to figure out how to say it because I was running out of time and I wasn't getting better and then I was panicking and I was trapped in this loop and I kept on telling everyone I'm trapped in this loop I just don't know what to call it please help so I just I need to write down everything that happened with E and breathe and get it out and get it out and left a little bits and pieces and take breaks and you'll figure it out it'll be OK it will be OK--but it's not ok, and I don't know what to do by myself

I'm avoiding saying this because I'm afraid of saying it out loud... it's been a trauma, but guess what? I've been thinking about it for the past hour so I might as well just try to say it...and then I don't know where to start because I was in the middle...I trigger...my trauma is triggered by not having enough context and I can refer to the articles on autism and put it in there and the stuff about the EEOC about reasonable accommodation...is asking for communication style (which I asked repeatedly but it was not granted). I asked for accommodations so I could (focus on burn out) and those were not granted -

or is very very difficult for me to process information and get my thoughts under control this was exacerbated by...

I can't seem to communicate effectively with L, each time I try she places different emphasis on different values and does not interpret my ask, she is often dismissive as my inability to talk to her which brings out the anxious feelings because I am often misunderstood,

Sigh....I'm not trying to say (at work) that I am suffering trauma because of workplace abuse and institutional betrayal (which is true, but not what I'm trying to say)...what I've been trying to say is that I have a disability (that I disclosed in my new hire paperwork) that I've been asking for reasonable accommodations for, but they've repeatedly been denied until...it was too late?

I need help creating a narrative that assigns neutral connotations to a situation I am conditioned to view as negative. I can see both sides, but my awareness is what's creating the conflict preventing me from articulating my thoughts.

What I'm trying to say is those feelings caused my amygdala to be hijacked and so unintentionally L does this every time she talks to me. To the point that even thinking about her talking to me triggered this and I've been working under these mental conditions for the past three years, to the point I developed a disability. That I was not even aware of - I have been kept so isolated from the company, with all of my interactions being transactional. I started to develop symptoms of chronic loneliness. And how was I supposed to ask for accommodations for that?? To L?? Hahaha

I tried, so hard. To tell so many people, and no one would listen. I feel absolutely terrified and all I'm asking for is the accommodations I need to stop feeling like this, I'm not trying to say this is workplace abuse, even though I know it is. And I feel so helpless that I can't speak my truth but I also know it's because I can't separate out the emotion. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, EA, one of the things my T does w/ me (do you have a trauma-informed T to help you with all this?) to help me contain some of the bigger pieces so i can focus more easily on one thing at a time is she sets up imaginary crates, one for each person who is part of my trauma history, and puts the ones i'm not processing in their own respective crates, locks them, and holds those keys for me.  it's helped me not be overwhelmed by so many people and thoughts banging at my brain at the same time.

if you need them, i have extra (virtual) crates where you can put some of what you're dealing w/.  you can label them in your mind, (such as not being heard, frustrations at work, being autistically challenged, etc. - whatever feels right for you) send them into their respective crates, lock them up, keep the key, and know they'll be there when you're ready to deal w/ them.

you have so much knowledge of how your system works, what you need, what you're not getting . . . perhaps problem-solving for one or two things at a time, realizing what's most important for you at this point in your life, and looking for ways to resolve it might help.  just a thought.  best to you with this, EA.  love and hugs