Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

Day 3. Change Your Life in 30 days.

Self confidence is the result of taking risks.  Once you have successfully taken risks, you have learned through your experiences that you can count on yourself.

Only, I've never experienced success.  So it says, "You must take risks in order to learn how to count on yourself, which in turn creates confidence".

Ok so let's walk through this.  I am taking a risk by returning to an abusive situation.  My other option is to lose my job.  I still have no tools, resources or support, but my leave is up, so I am taking a risk by returning to a toxic, hostile environment, knowing no one is on my side.  How exactly is that going to build my confidence? When I lose my financial security, my health insurance, my ability to provide for myself the basic needs required for survival.  How is this "risk taking" behavior supposed to instill me with confidence?

Apparently, "nothing will give me as much personal satisfaction" as putting myself in this risky situation.  Now it wants my "top ten" confident moments

1 the email I wrote my FOO 13 years ago, effectively cutting ties with them.
2 the memorial I had for my father, after learning my family had no interest in including me in the funeral and being written out of his will.
3 the courage to block a pathological individual who "wanted me back" - regardless of how isolated I am, I deserve to be treated kindly - he is incapable.
4 the courage to tell people the truth about what happened at work, and cut ties with anyone who would rather perpetuate gossip.
5 Being adamant with my therapist that she educate herself on my disability so she can give me the correct treatment.
6 Doing the same with my primary care physician.
7 Falling down 7 times, getting up 8.
8 Not panicking and rushing myself to take on more than I am mentally ready for. 
9 Forming a CLC for people with disabilities at my company, and continuing to advocate for myself and find the help/support I need. 
10 Going back to work even though I'm not ready - they aren't going to break me. 

"In order to be confident, you have to be willing to experience...rejection and loss"  HAHAH well if that's true, I'm the most confident person on the planet! All I've experienced is rejection and loss.

Gotta take a break from reading this....I appreciate the format to be oppositional to the contents and still be open to allowing myself the chance to change my perspective. 

[sanmagic7]

EA, i hope you can find some confidence in knowing that you continue to take the risk by returning to such an environment in order to survive and that you have survived it in the past.  i also hope someday you will find a different place that will provide you with what you need, one that is not toxic.  we do what we can  to maintain our integrity, no matter what the risk.  it's been my life, and the lives of many others here.  and we are still here.  sending love and a hug filled w/ support. 

[Eireanne]

Thank you sanmagic 

Day 3. Change Your Life in 30 days.

The reason I stopped was the line, "friendships are critical to support your future growth and transformation past these initial 30 days."  Whelp...guess I'll just have to make do, right?

Name 3 challenges you are facing right now

Isolation
Trauma
Retaliation

Now, imagine you had confidence. What would you do differently?

Stand up to my bullies
Have the magical right things to say so I won't be retaliated against
Have friends and advocates on my side to coach me on how to navigate this correctly

What feelings are you afraid to feel regarding these circumstances?

Helplessness, rejection, disgust, abuse, bullying, drowning, feeling lost.

If I were no longer afraid of my feelings and could count on myself, what cold be the happy ending for these challenges?

That someone actually listen to me and give me the support I need so I can stop feeling terrified all the time, and I could get a transfer to a less abusive area of work, doing my job feeling like I don't have to live in terror anymore.

What could I gain or learn from that I can apply to other areas of my life? 

I would learn that I could finally focus on recovery and reclaiming my life, and stop feeling like the bottom is going to drop any second. 

What is keeping you from getting that result?

I still haven't found anyone willing to stick out their neck and help me.  Everyone sees me being bullied and are distancing themselves so they don't get the same - which has happened countless times before.  No one wants to be the one to stand up to a bully and say, "NO MORE".  They will just turn a blind eye and keep their head down. 

https://www.fastcompany.com/90886566/keep-winding-up-in-a-toxic-workplace-heres-how-to-break-the-cycle  This basically says that me finding myself in abusive situations over and over again is my own fault.  I have such a hard time with things like this, all these entitled people that don't understand what it feels like to not have the resources or support to make a choice and their holier than thou attitude that, "You really have to wonder about a person that makes the same mistakes over and over again". 

I feel incredibly defeated.

[Eireanne]

Healing Abandonment and Betrayal

[Your parents] might be overwhelmed by their parenting and they don't know how to emotionally connect with their kids because they don't know how to emotionally connect with themselves because how many of us really got taught to be emotionally present in life. To turn around and be emotionally available for your child is going to be really hard if you don't have that experience and that foundation within yourself to be strong enough to say yeah I can connect with you emotionally without it being overwhelming or threatening to me.

The child and the adult growing up doesn't feel deserving of love and attention because they didn't get it as a kid.  Kids are needy by nature - if you don't
understand that as a parent then you may find your child annoying or too much because you don't realize that they need that consistent emotional presence and support and guidance and physical presence.  They need us to be there for them and if we don't have that it's going to be really really tough.

Low self-esteem is huge because again if our caregivers don't prioritize spending time with us then you end up learning that wow maybe I'm not somebody that people want to spend time with, maybe something's wrong with me.

If we don't have our needs met emotionally, by the time we hit a romantic relationship or a best friend we're going to glob onto, we are going to put all our emotional eggs in that basket because we're starved at that point and we can't discern the difference of what's healthy and what isn't because we've been deprived for so long. 

It's about self-soothing, finding what the trigger is about and the meaning we're assigning to it. 
If you're triggered - is it really about you?  Are you in somebody's head and you know for sure that they're intentionally trying to hurt you? (unless you're in a relationship with a narcissist) Most people are not gonna be intentionally hurting us, they have their own reasons for acting and saying and doing what they're doing.

Ask them, "What is your intention here?"

Abandonment fears - where does that cross over? I think the codependent child is starved emotionally and because they don't get that validation and that time and connection they're gonna seek it out in unhealthy ways.  They might get friends that are dysfunctional or a boyfriend that treats them poorly because they're so starved for attention it sets them up for codependent behaviors. 

I still REALLY struggle with the word "co-dependent" because I keep reiterating, we are social creatures, we are not meant to be alone, and yet, every time I ask for a space to allow me to feel validated, be vulnerable, really explore my insecurities and fears so I can work them out and heal from them - that means I'm co-dependent.  I have to learn how to do all of this alone, re-parent myself without a handbook and just intuitively know what to do without asking for help - because asking for help is a sign of co-dependency. 

[Eireanne]

This reminds me of my work situation SO much:

The child (me) interrupts the narcissistic parent's (the woman I support) sense of superiority and entitlement that others reflect it. This may happen by the child being proud of himself, focusing on himself, failing to show 'enough appreciation' to the parent, etc.

The parent must restore their antidotal self-conceit but must do so while hiding the selfishness of this motive.

The narcissistic parent unconsciously re-locates her own selfishness in the child. She may distort a benign act on the part of the child to 'prove' how inordinately selfish that child is.

The narcissistic parent then works to control the child so that he accepts her claim of being the selfish one. In a parent-child relationship the parent holds all the real power. If the parent reacts to the child as though he is selfish, the child can fairly easily buy into this. The child's need for her to be willing to care for him dooms him.

Once the narcissistic parent has successfully relocated her inherent selfishness in the child, she can then work to put her own worthlessness in him too. If the child is branded as selfish, it is not a far leap to treat him as though he is worthless too. The narcissistic parent can convince herself and the other family members that the child deserves such maltreatment given how selfish he is. Such claims of selfishness almost always undergird the narcissistic parent's attempts to make the child feel worthless. In the ultimate act of 'better than you than me' the narcissistic parent finds some relief from their own worthlessness if she sees her child as the worthless one. If this attitude persists, the child may adopt it as his own and find various ways to comply with the
narcissist's insistence that he is worthless.

Altruistic narcissists view themselves as supreme caregivers. They base their inflated self-concept on this supposed 'ability'. Then they expect others to react to them as though they are the caring, generous, people they want to seem like. As a result, it can sometimes take a little longer to identify this kind of narcissist.

4 Signs of an altruistic narcissist
Very low patience
Constantly expect gratitude
Like to enforce rules
Take on 'lost cause' friends and partners

A lot of times an altruistic narcissist (the woman I support) will presume to know what is best for a friend or partner better than that person does. The narcissist will then target this person as the 'defective' one who needs the narcissist to fix him or her. She may talk about this person as though they are a 'lost cause' and just can't seem to make the 'right' choices. They may grow frustrated and angry with this person for not following their advice and prescriptions. They see such people as having a deficit and this helps the narcissist again relocate their own sense of worthlessness.

[Eireanne]

I kept placating myself, as soon as I got myself out of survival mode, and didn't approach it from a place of scarcity, then perhaps I could say "the right thing" Even now, this isn't what I want to say....I don't know why it's so hard for me to just get it all out. 

Healing from abuse and trauma is excruciatingly difficult without social support, but I know I have to.

I'd like to preface this letter with a trigger/content warning.  I sincerely apologize for the intrusion, so please take all the time you need to read this...after all, it took me 3 years to write it. You could also choose not to, I completely respect the fact that this could be an upheaval in your life you do not have the capacity for.  I still have a lot of unresolved trauma and grief I am working through. It's so hard for me to write this letter.  The things I want to say to you are trapped in an image I've held onto for years. 

Not having had to develop the intimate relationship with you I craved, the experiences I've shared with you created a representation of all of my unmet needs.  So each time I start a letter that is attempting to express the gratitude I have for the things I learned about myself through my observations of you...devolve into my inner child being comforted by the images I have.  In re-parenting myself, I am honoring my inner child by letting "her" write you this letter.  I appreciate your understanding. 

More than anything, the image I have in my head is of you inviting me over, and holding space for me to share my experience.  It wouldn't be crazy with the kids running everywhere and a bunch of other people...it could just be us.  I learned recently this is called intimacy.  The need for someone to hold space for me, to bear witness, to have my experience validated.  That scene in the movie where the person who needs to be so strong for everyone else finally has an opportunity to to break down and be held.  To be comforted.  In these moments, when that unmet need is so raw it's painful to bear, I give myself the body memory of the shower curtain hug. 

Part of chronic isolation is forgetting what physical touch feels like.  I slowly forget how to engage in conversation.  My mind replays all of the rejection I experience on a continuous basis.  It's agonizing.  But so was staying in an abusive situation.  That was the hardest part for me.  The awareness of how abusive it was, and that in getting out of it meant losing all my social support.  Going back to being chronically isolated.  So I fought against it for these past 3 years, trying to convince myself the things society mirrored back to me.  That I was enough, that if I asked for a friend to hold space for me when I was at my most vulnerable than there was something wrong with me, that I must be co-dependent. 

Again, I'd think of you, holding me, listening to me, comforting me, teaching me the ways you try to instill in your children that it's ok to be true to yourself and still be loved unconditionally. 

In the times when I am afraid of the abusive situation I am in at work, I imagine your fierceness as you advocated for M in the hospital, and with the doctors.  It taught me to advocate for myself with my own doctors, adamant that everyone stop misdiagnosing me and perpetuating the belief that this is my fault, but understand that I am having a normal reaction to an abusive situation. 

I wish for the cognitive ability to put into words what needs to be said to correctly defend myself against a bully at work who is defended by both my manager and HR. 

[Eireanne]

I'm Nice


You really don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, and will do a lot to avoid doing so.  You may find you inconvenience yourself greatly or neglect your basic needs (food, rest, exercise) to avoid disappointing someone.  You try to avoid conflict at all times.

Your core belief is likely to be that your needs do not count, or your needs are not as important as other people's.

Being nice is wonderful. However when it is a core defining statement with an underlying belief that your needs don't matter, there are significant downsides.  You may frequently feel resentful. You may end in relationships where your consideration for the other person is not returned.

Working on the core belief that your needs do matter, that YOU matter, is really the way your boundaries will improve.

[sanmagic7]

hey, EA,

personally, i don't think asking for help is a sign of co-dependency, so i looked up the term.  merriam-webster defined it as depending on the needs of or control by another.  it's an enabling/addiction type of dynamic where each partner is depending on the other to do to or for them.  in my mind, asking for help is a human issue because we all need help at one time or another.

i agree w/ you, tho, that some psychological platitudes don't jive w/ our experiences and situations of living.  they're not extensive enough in that they brush off our ability to do things like 'make friends', 'go to a social gathering', etc.  we all aren't able to do those things because of triggers, anxiety, and other c-ptsd symptoms.  life isn't as easy for us at times as those simplistic suggestions.

i'm offering support, love, and a virtual hug if it helps. 

[Eireanne]

I tried to go back to work today.  Logged in, started going through my emails, left a message with my manager, she called back and tried convincing me that it was agreed I'd go back on Monday, even though the return paperwork submitted by my doctor says to return today.  She says they are still deciding whether or not they are willing to allow me the accommodations I requested, and are going to work on that today, and that she put a meeting on my calendar to talk to me on Monday about what will happen, and I should "have a nice weekend". A co-worker just suggested I get that in writing. 

I then asked her, as she said she's discussing my accommodations with HR ""Who can I discuss my accommodations with to explain how I am able to effectively perform my job duties with these accommodations?" and she said I need to give her a chance to wrap her head around it because she's never had to deal with things like this before (a typical response from her) and that once they have a chance to talk (HR/manager) then they will fill me in when I meet with them on Monday.

Again - I specifically requested to be informed prior to my return, so I can set expectations and do not do well with zero information about a situation.  I understand that because it's something I asked for, they are going to ignore it and pointing that out will only deem me as "difficult".  I mentioned that I haven't been contacted by anyone and I don't know what to expect and she responded that since she had reached out to me the day I went on leave (her message was triggering and I did not respond) that she chose to not try to communicate with me again.  I thanked her for that. 

To clarify for you - I was not expecting HER to fill me in on what is going on, I was however hoping that someone in HR/leave would be willing to let me know what the process is to return to work - I was not given that opportunity.  They are discussing my accommodations and labeling them as "restrictions" and are unclear if they can allow me them.  It's already painting the picture that they just don't know what to do with me.

[Eireanne]

hey, EA,

personally, i don't think asking for help is a sign of co-dependency, so i looked up the term.  merriam-webster defined it as depending on the needs of or control by another.  it's an enabling/addiction type of dynamic where each partner is depending on the other to do to or for them.  in my mind, asking for help is a human issue because we all need help at one time or another.

i'm offering support, love, and a virtual hug if it helps. 

Thank you so much - hugs, support, love is ALWAYS helpful.  I agree with you, I don't feel I am co-dependent at all, but every time I watch a video or listen to an "expert" about C-PTSD, they all say that if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you are enabling the relationship by being co-dependent and I just don't see how...so they go on to say it's subconscious - so I always feel like a) people don't see ME and are just making assumptions and b) I am being "difficult" by not understanding that even though it isn't my fault, it sorta is.  My knee jerk reaction with EVERYTHING is to just assume it is somehow my fault and I need to unlearn that.  But all the "experts" harping on the "codependent nature" of the victim is hard.

I appreciate you letting me know I'm not alone in rejecting these thoughts that I am codependent. 

[Eireanne]

My anecdotal notes were reviewed my my therapist and she highlighted things that should be removed.  While I am still hopeful the attorney will do the same, I am reviewing the notes now and removing the highlights, but sharing them here, as they are important to my story and my truth.

Accommodations I have asked for -
   Written, concise instructions – please provide all the context I need to complete the task
   Closed captioning and recorded meetings – please allow me to utilize technology as an accommodation when required to take notes
   Job coaching or mentorship –
   Uninterrupted work time – please don't call/ping me when I am presenting
   Extra time – please stop giving me things less than 5 minutes before they are due
   Flexible schedule – please allow me a lunch break and ability to not have to work during PTO, and the ability to take a sick day when needed
   Clearly define what URGENT means and only be asked to work outside of stated hours during those times of urgency. 


I've also requested and been denied the following reasonable accommodations:
   Ability to record meetings she needs me to take notes on
   Being able to take a lunch break
   Having set working hours
   Not needing to be available outside of working hours unless there is an urgent need
   Not needing to be available/work during PTO
   Being able to take a sick day
   Being provided the context I need to complete a task
   Not needing Outlook/Teams on my phone
   Respect
   Autonomy
   The ability to set boundaries and have those boundaries respected
   A career path
   Growth within the company and opportunities to add value without being retaliated against


I'm not trying to villainize LD.  I think she's a great leader and does well for the colleagues she views with respect.  I see her advocate for them and her position. I just don't know how to get her to extend those same qualities to me. 

She dismissed my concerns of continued isolation, saying, "you were just hired at a weird time, we don't have happy hours". 

I do not feel I have the ability to live any kind of life outside of Alight, if that is the expectation placed upon me, I disclosed that this is not viable, it is unsustainable, LD has unreasonable expectations of my availability.  I started to experience severe signs of burnout. 

...but LD called me and said, "I see what you're doing" - I don't know what she "saw" other than me desperately trying to take a step back from the constant onslaught of work so I could rest. 

...and the history that LD's previous admin had a similar experience, but LD was not held accountable – that the best I could do was keep my head down and keep doing what I was doing to the best of my ability. 

I walk a fine line between LD and the rest of my duties and responsibilities. 

LD made it clear she is not capable of understanding my perspective, she has a different set of values and beliefs that do not align with mine.

There was no opportunity to discuss career path, goals – LD is uninterested and repeatedly tells me I need to do what she says and only that. 

I attempted to explain there really can't be "nothing else", I'm still office manager and the only POC for the entire office, along with the other roles I had within the company, she said she would take it away.  As this is the only facet of my work that brings me a sense of autonomy, this caused me great distress.  It made work increasingly difficult and when I asked again for accommodations - I was told to go to therapy. 

...and she responds, "He said you hyperventilated" I said, that's it? We had a whole conversation. I don't understand why he would say that, maybe it's because I had the mask on the whole time? My concerns regarding the office were never addressed again, and any follow-up I attempted with NR were disregarded.  LD told me I should NOT be concerned with anything in the Chicago office. 

I told LD that I feel very uncomfortable coming into the office and I'm really afraid of getting COVID. She would be completely dismissive and just say you'll be fine, you worry too much, you're too sensitive, you need to be more confident and I am trying to expressed to my manager valid concerns that she was dismissing.

I lived in fear I would be required to go back into the office – again, no autonomy, no ability to set boundaries, no ability to feel I had control over my own safety.  My fears were routinely dismissed, and I was made to feel I was being melodramatic.  Again, I was too sensitive, I worried too much, I just needed to do what LD said. 

The few times I have needed to go into the office, LD has been very vocal that I should not be doing that – and she can't quite grasp that I'm doing it because that was the role she hired me to do, the duties and responsibilities she entrusted me with, that I have no backup, and there is no budget to hire someone else to do that aspect of my job so that I can just be her admin.

...that I had already tried contacting HR, that all of my attempts to ask for reasonable accommodations were being dismissed, that I couldn't figure out how to get the help I needed and I needed her advocacy.  I had serious concerns for my mental and physical health, they were in steep decline, I was no longer able to get my basic needs met and the recent rounds of elimination were really exacerbating everything. 

I attempted to explain to ET that I do not have a backup for most of my roles, that there are many duties and responsibilities that no one else does and that further aggravates my ability to take dedicated time off.  I gave her the list of duties and responsibilities I had shared with LD previously.  Initially, she agreed I had too much on my plate.  I explained to her I already had solutions in place, but I needed to be supported and she said she would help me to find that support.  I trusted that.
I understand it is better to disclose a disability and request accommodation before job performance suffers or conduct problems occur. When an individual is prepared to disclose their disability because an accommodation is needed, the individual should inform someone who can act upon a request, such as a manager, supervisor, or human resources professional. The employee should make it known that an adjustment or change at work is needed for a reason related to a medical condition. According to the EEOC, the employee can use "plain English" and does not have to mention the ADA or use the phrase "reasonable accommodation."

*I was in a constant state of agitation which I shared with her - I explained the symptoms of my disability, I explained the resultant physical conditions and how LD's responses further aggravated the situation.  I provided multiple examples that show she repeatedly asked me to do tasks that required me to be in front of my laptop consistently before/after office hours and on weekends.

At that time, medical professionals were not making the connection between my symptoms and my disability, and as stated above, the only accommodation suggested by HR was "If I was mentally ill, I could take the day off with a doctor's note".

However, ET called me the moment my day off started, letting me know that LD was panicking, but not to worry, just go enjoy leave.  Upon my return, I asked LD if she had everything she needed, she said it was fine, but that MR (my backup) was not able to do one task – she seemed to imply it was my poor planning that caused this, and I reminded her that MR does not have the same access to her things as I did, and she said, "oh, never mind then".  However, ET brought this point up several times later. 

I asked ET please can you ask her to stop asking me for things on the weekends and before and after hours, I just need to be able to sleep...I still hadn't fully recovered from surgery.  I'm really past the point of being able to do my job proficiently, I needed to figure out how to take leave, please help me. 

I said, "I don't understand, I'm telling you I need to be put on leave and you're telling me I had to continue answering non urgent, arbitrary, last-minute requests at ALL hours?" 

I was told that LD claims I am "her person" and she panics when I am not available.  That the only way ET would be able to help me is if I worked on improving my situation with her - I don't understand how to communicate effectively, I ask her very directly for what information I need and she says "not following".

ET would then begin to question me in a way that didn't make sense.  Telling me I needed to choose between my office manager job or being an admin.  Telling me I needed to improve office procedures but also not spend any time working on office things.  Telling me her heart went out to me for the situation I was in, and then asking me what my goals were.  I told her, I could barely process what she was asking or why, all I heard was I was about to be eliminated. I was having cognitive issues due to my workplace conditions and not being able to attend to my wellbeing.  I didn't understand what was going on. I had been trying for 3 years to improve my relationship with LD and nothing I tried worked, I was at my wits end. 

I had asked colleagues who have worked with her how to talk to her so she will understand why I'm asking for the things I need and allow me that information.  I don't know how to get to the help I need and I am told repeatedly my only job should be to make sure I make LD happy....that when I do the other parts of my job, the ones that give me a sense of self, a sense that I'm doing a good job, that I'm making a difference, that I add value – that I then develop more confidence and feel less insecure (the qualities LD insisted I improve during my performance review) that it is "acting out" and "having an attitude" and I was being told I needed to "watch my step". 

At SKO - I've barely interacted with other people for so long, I was just mirroring other people's behavior and responding to their stories with my own experience. When I was trying to explain the dynamic of my relationship with others at work and the things I struggle with, it was to understand from other people that have been there, or have worked with her before. We were comparing experiences.

At no point was I complaining. I was just telling people how hard my job is sometimes because I have no one to bounce ideas off of or understand how to make her happy, because I know it's not me. She just needs for there to be something wrong. LD explained to me that when she gets mad she will just blow up at me, and then immediately forget about it. This is her preferred communication style and I should be ok with it. I've explained to my manager, this is what she does.  I've given her multiple examples, and would imagine they are well documented. 

The colleagues I spoke with explained to me that even the top C suite executives do not ask for the things LD does, that I should be allowed my time off, and I should be entitled to PTO.  This creates disconnect from reality, because I am hearing one thing experiencing another. This feeling is intensified when I work with colleagues on inclusion and diversity.  I see all of the accommodations that other people with disabilities are allowed to have, but I am being denied them.

I now understand that what I experienced at SKO was a trauma response.  I did not have the correct terms for it, but fortunately I was surrounded by compassionate, trauma informed colleagues that helped me name the situation for what it was.  As I continued to work through the practical defenses that were coming up for me, I named what I was feeling – this helped me to validate the experience.  Receiving validation from those around me that what I was experiencing was real and not my fault helped me.  It is very unfortunate that we as a company say we have DE&I but when it comes to actual inclusion, I have not been met with compassion, understanding, awareness or willingness to provide me the accommodations that were necessary before my symptoms escalated out of control.

I do not know which one of these things I've said is against code of conduct.  I am repeatedly told these are workplace violations.  I asked my manager, and she said she warned me not to say anything about my workplace situation, that because I interacted with my colleagues LD says she can no longer trust me and she no longer wants me to be her admin, that I've broken trust with her by saying I was told these are workplace violations, that I am in a toxic and abusive workplace situation, and I don't know what my rights are, but I know these are not sustainable conditions and I need help.  I was told these are serious allegations and I said I understood, but I needed help and I'm terrified of having my position be in jeopardy because of this, but it's completely unsustainable, I can't even think straight anymore, I really need help. 

I understand I'm not allowed to speak to anyone about my working conditions because LD considers it to be against code of conduct, and that she filed a complaint against me because I disclosed to my colleagues the affect supporting her has had on my physical and mental health.  It is framed that sharing that with my colleagues made them feel uncomfortable.  I understand it made LD feel uncomfortable because I've painted her in a bad light.  I always take care to be very diplomatic, saying she is a great leader and very supportive of her team, however LD does not consider me to be a part of her team, and she's made that clear to me in words and in actions.  She expects me to know my place or expect the consequences.  I need my job, I disclosed to RK the strain I was feeling both mentally and physically and how I had near constant anxiety about being eliminated.  Everyone says just make sure you keep LD happy, as long as LD is happy.  So to make Laura happy, I need to work evenings and weekends.  I reported that, but nothing ever came of it, I inquired, what happens when there is an HR complaint and I was told, it just goes to your manager.  Every attempt I have made to bring attention to the fact I feel I am in a hostile working condition just goes back to her. 

Throughout all of this, I still maintained my stance that I desired to be the change I wanted to see at Alight, working with leaders on how to fix broken processes, bringing advocacy and education, improving the Chicago office and making connections with leaders and colleagues that would support bringing about positive change. 

I have been a team of one throughout the period of time that LD was my manager, only having the freedom to actively work with my colleagues once ET became my manager.

Being location leader, office ambassador, Able leader gave me confidence, which LD indicated on my performance review that I should improve.  The work I do in these areas are the only time I take pride in what I'm doing.  When I overcome challenges and find success and want to share that success with my manager and am asked, "why are you doing that? You shouldn't be doing that, I'm going to take that away from you", it is psychologically threatening.  I am now punished for gaining confidence. 

I felt I had consistently gone above and beyond, looking for ways I can add value and do more for the benefit of alight.  I had meetings with security and MH at SKO to help me improve processes, I met with ppl that have a job I think I'd be good at. I truly felt I was making progress in so many areas and instead of feeling supported in these endeavors to better the company as a whole and feel a sense of purpose, I feel as though I have done some egregious violation, but no one will explain to me what it was. 

To say you never know what someone else is struggling with, so be kind always is an understatement.  To allow them the reasonable accommodations they need to be able to continue to treat the disability should be a right every person has, not just those with organizationally understood disabilities.  To my knowledge, we do not have anyone trauma informed that can help me advocate for myself regarding this situation.  I have been doing all the work alone, to the detriment of my health.  The more I ask for these accommodations, the more the symptoms of my disability are being held against me, creating an atmosphere that feels oppressive, toxic, abusive.  I cannot continue to exist, let alone thrive unless I get these accommodations implemented and am paired with a manager that can truly advocate for my wellbeing.

[Eireanne]

Deciding that you deserve to be treated with kindness enables you to construct healthy boundaries.

Enduring toxicity isn't bragging rights; choosing not to is. It's time to flip the switch; decide that you deserve better, and let that decision fuel healthy growth.

Lie to me or don't lie to me it does not impact my value and it doesn't ultimately impact my trajectory because in the end I choose how I respond to my circumstances and the power you have over me is only what I give you and if you choose to lie to me rather than engage in a genuine exchange it's not my loss but yours it's not me who loses out and looks stupid but you because you had a wonderful opportunity to meet me on the level of authentic connection and here you are having lost that chance it's a shame for you but still an opportunity for me because now I get to witness just how powerful my ability is to sustain faith and to trust in the face of suffering especially for someone who suffers from a lack of faith and trust and this allows me to burn off what false premises I may have harbored around distrusting myself and my power moving forward so thank you for reminding me of my strength my faith and my power.

I'm experiencing exactly what my body knows to do given what I've experienced given the the state of survival that I am in this is a this is a natural response to this that I'm not broken.

It is only natural for our body to go into survival mode and when we enter that state of survival the cognitive rational logical thinking part of our brain goes offline so it is not operating at optimal capacity essentially and so when we're trying to make huge decisions.

[Eireanne]

Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker

...envy had been percolating below the surface of my awareness i was deeply envious of this gorgeous buffet of familial love that i had never experienced or even witnessed before.

...these memories also viscerally informed me about the kind of relational love I had never seen in my own or my friends families as I digested this experience over the years and used it to overcome my denial about what i had missed out on as a child...

cptsd is a learned set of responses and a failure to complete numerous important developmental tasks.  This means that is environmentally not genetically caused. In other words, unlike most of the diagnoses it is confused with, it is neither inborn nor characterological.  As such, it is learned.  It is not inscribed in your DNA. It is a disorder caused by nurture (or rather the lack of it) not nature - this is especially good news because what is learned can be unlearned.

Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions to the overwhelming feeling states of being an abused abandoned child.  These feeling states can include overwhelming fear, shame, alienation,  terror, dissociation and helplessness (and in my case, Fawning - which is rarely if ever discussed).

In an emotional flashback you can regress instantly into feeling and thinking that you are as worthless and contemptible as your family perceived you when you are stranded.  In a flashback, toxic shame devolves into an intensely painful alienation of the abandonment mélange - a roiling morass of shame, fear, 2
and depression.  The abandonment mélange is the fear and toxic shame that surrounds and interacts with the abandonment/depression, the abandonment/depression itself is the deadened feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that afflicts traumatized children.

In most cases verbal ventilation of the flashback pain underneath it will deconstruct the [emotional loop I am stuck in that I need to process/feel attuned/validated]

[Eireanne]

They will lie straight to your face and they will lie in ways that demean you and they will refuse to acknowledge they did say that or they did do that and you think you're going crazy.  You can't force a narcissist into accountability, and you can't get them to recognize that they're lying. They shouldn't be and they even need to have integrity to keep a relationship with you because firstly, the narcissist doesn't care about lying- it's a means to an end and secondly a narcissist can't see you as a blood-bone autonomous human being who deserves respect and integrity - they're disinterested in that.  The third thing is they're not interested in harmony, teamwork, unity, and cooperation because then they can't be at the top.  Being superior and you're controlled to be inferior, so they're not even after what you're after.

The portrayals that you receive from a narcissist can only equate to you didn't matter and they don't even see you as a human who deserves kindness care or respect or or truth or honesty

[Eireanne]

The connection should be authentic,  In other words, as children we should feel like it's okay to be our authentic selves and we should not be suffering from rejection we should not be suffering from the abandonment of a parent or parental retaliation and attaching to a parent is akin to survival,  If I'm not able to attach, if I'm not able to feel connected to you then that threatens me in terms of my survival, My brain feels threatened by this and I think it's so incredible that we are born knowing when we are safe and when we are not.  Our brain will wire appropriately so our stress response system will get triggered and our little beings know that we are not attaching in a healthy way, that this is a threatening environment - we're not being touched the way we should be, we're not being coddled the way we should be, we're not being fed the way we should be - whatever is going on - an environment that's sending this little baby signals that we're not attaching means that we're sensing abandonment and that's tied to survival.  Attaching is akin to survival, so being abandoned is also tied to survival - it triggers the flight or flight fawning response, and so this is why so many of us who experience emotional abandonment early on in childhood or various forms of abuse where we feel disconnected from our parents, we end up living in a state state of hyper vigilance, unaware that we're in a state of hyper vigilance because our survival has been threatened,

When a child learns that they can't be authentic with their parents, well there's a great price - they have to disconnect from the self. It's too scary. You're not too worried about your emotions and how are you feeling that day ,you're worried about the danger that comes along.  Without the ability (the soft space) where I'm able to explore who I am, I'm able to explore my emotions, then neurologically I'm not even wired for a sense of self I am forced to look out of myself for survival.  This becomes a survival strategy - looking outside of myself, my survival was tied to what's going on outside of me and so those of us who struggle with codependency there's a lack of self because as children so often times we're forced to look outside of ourselves, we're forced to look and see what's going on in our environment - we're left in the space of self-abandonment and we don't even know we're not connected to the self. We maybe never connected at all ever and no wonder we feel so lost as adults. It's difficult for people who have never really understood what went wrong.

Abuse by Omission - that's when abuse happens when something doesn't happen - your emotions aren't being attuned to, you're not being nurtured, you're upset and it's going ignored or you cry and you're told come over here I'll give you something to cry about or you cry or get emotional and you're told you have no right to get emotional. 

What should happen is as a child you should have a parent that's attuning themselves to you so there's this natural hierarchy and you know that this person is paying attention to you and your needs and that your needs are going to be met by this other person. When that doesn't happen a child is left to their own devices and unfortunately lots of all the time a child assumes that they're the reason they're not getting what they need.  Now we have shame, we have self-abandonment, a lack of self, and whoever I think I am I think is bad, it must be my fault that I can't get gain love.  It's a downward spiral of more and more and more and more a self-abandonment.

So many videos start out so good and completely devolve into talking about co-dependent behaviors.  Sigh.