Eerie Anne's Journal

[Eireanne]

People-pleasing is sometimes referred to as the "fawning" trauma response because it's so closely associated with overly-appeasing behaviors and cycles of codependency. An example of people-pleasing is making decisions to please your parents at whatever cost.

Said to be first coined by Pete Walker, M.A., MFT, individuals who respond to trauma with fawning or people-pleasing tend to "seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others." This means that a person will do whatever they can to avoid conflict—including abandoning their own needs, agreeing with their abuser, and going out of their way to receive approval or avoid abuse. Fawners may experience high levels of shame or guilt or believe they're worthy only of conditional love.

What kind of trauma causes people to be pleasing?
The fawn response is usually demonstrated by people who have been exposed to repeated traumatic events, as opposed to a one-time traumatic event such as a car crash or bad breakup. Fawning is most commonly associated with childhood trauma, relational trauma, and complex trauma—such as ongoing partner violence. Complex trauma can become even more problematic when coupled with the collective trauma that occurs from experiences like the COVID-19 pandemic.

for many people dealing with long term psychological trauma or complex PTSD, any perceived threat can be construed as an imminent danger, thus triggering an almost instinctual fawning trauma response.

[sanmagic7]

EA, i relate to not having a sense of self due to it being ignored or not allowed when i was growing up.  i also relate to fawning, and i think it's been discussed here a lot under the banner of people pleasing.  i have been one all my life, was trained to be that way and did it very well.  unfortunately, as you mentioned, i had to look at others to find some kind of form for myself.  looking back, well, it's quite depressing.  love and hugs

[Eireanne]

What does abandonment do to the brain?  It does a number on the brain - it's like the state of anti-humanness.  We are so made for resonant, warm connection with each other.  Our bodies are made to be in is this wonderful state of being with people that feel safe.   Safe enough to be able to goof around and laugh. We have special receptors in our skin that only pick up skin warmth from other humans and our companion animals.  Those little receptors in our skin, they don't feel the sun's heat, they don't feel heat from a radiator, they they don't work in that temperature range - they only light up in the temperature range of other human bodies around us.  That's why it can feel so good to feel the warmth of others.  We're made to be social, so the experience of somebody important to us going away - especially when we were counting on them being there - leaves a terrible cortisol hit in the human body. 

There are circuits in humans (and other mammals) that do different things in the human brain. The circuit that knows whether or not we're abandoned is the panic/grief circuit and when somebody important to us goes away, it's like all the feel-good neurotransmitters disappear and the stress neurotransmitter cortisol spikes.  It creates this kind of the rug being pulled out from under our feet. We could use that as a metaphor but in the brain it's the neurochemicals being pulled out from under our feet and it's hard on us. 

The prefrontal cortex needs to grow these neurons that hold the amygdala - they'd say, "of course you were abandoned" you know and acknowledge the shock. I think part of the the need for healing that happens with abandonment is the need to acknowledge shock and helplessness.  We kind of come toward ourselves and hold our little baby selves that may have lived through experiences of alarmed aloneness and we hold our grown-up selves who have broken hearts but once we start to actually turn toward ourselves nobody can abandon us again.

[Eireanne]

Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker - Chapter 2

A list of some of the most common developmental arrests that occur in c-ptsd.  You may find that you experience a diminishment or absence of these key features of a healthy human being.  Typically survivors will vary on which and how many of these arrests relate to them.  Factors affecting this are:

• your 4f type
  your childhood abuse neglect pattern
  your innate nature
  any recovery work that you have already accomplished
  self-acceptance
  clear sense of identity
  self-compassion
  self-protection
  capacity to draw comfort from relationship
  ability to relax
  capacity for full self-expression
  willpower
  motivation
  peace of mind
  self-care
  belief that life is a gift
  self-esteem
  self-confidence

Effective recovery is unwinding the natural potential you were born with out of your unconscious.  This is your innate potential which may be as yet unrealized because of your childhood trauma, an especially tragic developmental arrest that afflicts many survivors is the loss of their willpower and self-motivation.

Remedying this developmental arrest is essential because many new psychological studies now show that persistence even
more than intelligence or innate talent is the key psychological characteristic necessary for finding fulfillment in life. 

Cognitive healing - the first level of recovery usually involves repairing the damage that c-ptsd wreaks on our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves.  Cognitive recovery work aims to make your brain user friendly.  It focuses on recognizing and eliminating the destructive thoughts and thinking processes you were indoctrinated with in childhood.  Cognitive healing also depends on learning to choose healthy and more accurate ways of talking to and thinking about yourself.  On the broadest level, this involves upgrading the story you tell yourself about your pain.  Our journey of recovering this work then requires us to build a fierce allegiance to ourselves.  Such loyalty strengthens us for the cognitive work of freeing our brains from being conditioned to attack so many normal parts of ourselves.  Cognitive work is fundamental to helping you dis-identify from the self-hating critic with which your parents instilled in you. 

Early abuse and abandonment forces the child to merge his identity with the superego - the part of the child's brain that learns the rules of his caretakers in order to get and maintain acceptance.  However, because acceptance is impossible in the c-ptsd engineering family the superego gets stuck working overtime to achieve the impossible.

c-ptsd inducing parents thwart the growth of the ego by undermining the development of the crucial egoic processes of self-compassion and self-protection.  They do this by shaming or intimidating you whenever you have a natural impulse to have sympathy for yourself or stand up for yourself.  The instinct to care for yourself and to protect yourself against unfairness is then forced to become dormant. 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing about your learning from Pete Walker's book.  It was a helpful tool for me.

[Eireanne]

 rainydiary 

[Eireanne]

This conversation triggered me to the point I was up all night.  My brain gnawed on this like a dog with a bone. I'm so upset.

As discussed in our connect on Monday, May 22:

Return from LOA Accommodations- confirmation of schedule from 5/22-6/1 (8:30 a.m. -12:30 p.m.)

I requested flexibility in my schedule, so if I was feeling triggered or trapped, I could get up and walk away from my work computer without fear of retaliation.  I was not given the opportunity to discuss my accommodations or why they were needed. I was asked, "what is your schedule?" and I felt pressured to respond immediately.  I asked several times, letting my manager know it was dependent on what my duties and responsibilities would be, who I would be working with, etc.

Set schedule start/end time 8:30 a.m. – 5:00 p.m. CST.  I ask that you let me know when you are taking your lunch break and place your status as away with message-on lunch, contact ET/backup during this time.

I thought I would have the opportunity to make it clear that I was flexing my time so that I could continue to take breaks as needed, using my "lunch break" to continue treatment for my disability.  Being locked into this schedule and penalized if I work outside of this feels threatening.

Expectation to not login after hours, weekends, and Holidays for any work related tasks including catch up, reading emails, etc...
This should be rephrased to say, the expectation is that I will not be requested to work.  The way it is phrased/interpreted implies that I will be penalized if I try to work in a manner that reduces the symptoms of my disability

Ensure to communicate with ET when tasks are due that will fall after hours so arrangements can be made with backups. 
This should be rephrased to Ensure to communicate with ET when it is requested that I complete tasks outside of my working hours To me (super sensitive about it) it implies that due to my "restrictive" schedule of *gasp* asking to be treated like a human, I have to announce to everyone if I haven't gotten my work done by the end of the day.  Instead of, as a supportive manager saying, "this accommodation is in place to ensure you don't feel like you can't say no to your superior when they ask you to do something unreasonable.

New alignments will be to support X,Y,Z- officially May 30th These are not NEW alignments, these are the people I supported UNDER my abuser. I have been removed from supporting my abuser

ET to send communication to these leaders that you will step in to support. (ET will CC EA on that communication)
EA to work with M on transitional for X,Y,Z this week. They don't ask for anything, aside from expense reports, there's nothing to transition

This week is to focus on email catch up, any transitional/step down items, company required courses, goal setting.
Step down from  location leader role, Abuser to be listed as location leader Being removed from a part of my job that gave me a sense of accomplishment and belonging
Office manager role is no longer needed go forward Demoted - again losing a part of my job that I was doing well in.  The pain point was I was doing it in isolation and asked for support.
Step down from the group I founded as a leader, can participate in the CLC as an ally/active participant.
Meet weekly with ET to stay connected, ensure EA is getting the support/coaching and help problem solve any situations that arise. (Thursdays) I'm really curious to understand what her definition of support is, because it's wildly different than mine.
ET to provide agenda for weekly meeting a day before - This was requested so I can cognitively prepare for our meetings going forward, I doubt it'll help, she's so triggering, but how else am I supposed to get any semblance of control in my own life?

So now that I've been removed from every aspect of my duties and responsibilities aside from checking my email...they can completely justify eliminating my position when they re-org again in June.  !@%#$%$

[Eireanne]

Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker - Chapter 2 (cont'd)

c-ptsd engendering parents often hypocritically attack their children's emotional expression in a bimodal way.  This occurs when the child is both abused for emoting and is at the same time abused by her caretakers toxic emotional expression.  Most traumatizing parents are especially contemptuous towards the child's expression of emotional pain. This contempt then forces the child's all-important capacity for healthy grieving into developmental arrest. One archetypal example of this is seen in the parent who hurts his child to the point of tears and then has the nerve to say stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about.

Emotional abuse is also almost always accompanied by emotional abandonment which can most simply be described as a relentless lack of parental warmth and love.  Sometimes this is most poignantly described as not being liked by your parents.

The rejecting responses of our parents to our emotional expression alienates us from our feelings, emotional abuse neglect scares us out of our own emotions while simultaneously making us terrified of other people's feelings

Grieving is the key process for reconnecting with our repressed emotional intelligence.  Grieving reconnects us with our full complement of feelings.  Grieving is necessary to help us release and work through our pain about the terrible losses of our childhoods.  These losses are like deaths of parts of ourselves and grieving can often initiate their rebirth. 

Grieving and verbal ventilation - grieving restores our crucial developmentally arrested capacity to verbally ventilate.  Verbal ventilation is the penultimate grieving practice. It is speaking from your feelings in a way that releases and resolves your emotional distress. Verbal ventilation is the key bonding process in intimacy.

In the traumatizing family there is little or nothing that is good enough and hence little for which to be grateful. The child instead is forced to over develop a critic that hyper focuses on what is dangerously imperfect in her as well as others. This sometimes helps her to hide aspects of herself that might be punished. It may further assist her to avoid people who might be punishing.  Unfortunately, years of this habituates the child into only seeing herself, life, and others in a negative light. Consequently, when she grows up and becomes free of her truly harmful family she cannot see that life offers her many new possibilities her ability to see the good in herself and certain safe enough others remains developmentally arrested.

[Eireanne]

Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker - Chapter 2 (cont'd)

We need to comprehend the physical damage that cptsd wreaks on our bodies to motivate us to adopt practices that help us to heal on this level. Most of the physiological damage of extended trauma occurs because we are forced to spend so much time in hyper arousal. Stuck in fight flight freeze or fawn mode when we are chronically stressed out - stuck in sympathetic nervous system activation - detrimental somatic changes become ingrained in our bodies.  Here are some of the most common examples of body harming reactions to cptsd stress:

Hyper vigilance, shallow and incomplete breathing, constant adrenalization, armoring (meaning chronic muscle tightness) wear and tear from rushing and armoring, inability to be fully present relaxed and grounded in our bodies, sleep problems from being over activated, digestive disorders from a tightened
digestive tract, physiological damage from excessive self-medication with alcohol food or drugs.

Moreover, in cases of physical and sexual abuse our capacities to be physically comforted by touch are eliminated or compromised and in cases of verbal and emotional abuse our capacities to be comforted by eye and voice contact are undeveloped or seriously diminished.

[sanmagic7]

i totally relate to these last 2 paragraphs, EA.  sometimes it's very helpful to see it printed out, even after knowing all this is true.  love and hugs

[Eireanne]

i totally relate to these last 2 paragraphs, EA.  sometimes it's very helpful to see it printed out, even after knowing all this is true.  love and hugs

Agreed. 

[Moondance]

  Eireanne,

Hyper vigilance, shallow and incomplete breathing, constant adrenalization, armoring (meaning chronic muscle tightness) wear and tear from rushing and armoring, inability to be fully present relaxed and grounded in our bodies, sleep problems from being over activated, digestive disorders from a tightened
digestive tract, physiological damage from excessive self-medication with alcohol food or drugs.

Moreover, in cases of physical and sexual abuse our capacities to be physically comforted by touch are eliminated or compromised and in cases of verbal and emotional abuse our capacities to be comforted by eye and voice contact are undeveloped or seriously diminished.

Thank you for sharing these excerpts from Peter Walker's book.  I hadn't read this yet and gee it so resonates with me.

There are a lot of CPTSD symptoms I have not known what to call them but have experienced forever it seems.     For example armoring.  I have known and felt this in my body for years and have been unable to get rid of it and didn't know it had a name. 

Thank you Eireanne

[Eireanne]

Recognize these Subtle but Extremely Real Forms of Emotional Abuse.

Abuse is not clear-cut and emotional abuse is particularly confusing. Everything seems fine but everything is NOT fine.

Abuse can come in many forms. It can exist between colleagues. Nothing was obvious. I often felt triggered but I would look unreasonable if I pointed out what had upset me.  Everything felt wrong but I couldn't figure out what was wrong.  Due to childhood trauma, I couldn't discern between abuse and love. The moment I understood what abuse looked like, everything changed.

"The moment that you start to wonder if you deserve better, you do." Unknown

Emotional abuse is not so easy to spot, it is insidious. The hidden nature of emotional abuse is what makes it so damaging.

Psychological manipulation has deep and lasting effects on your mental and physical health. My autoimmune diseases were a direct result of the abusive environment I was in.

All forms of abuse are about power and control. Abusers use underhanded tactics to manipulate your behavior and perceptions. They use aggression and control to keep you in line.

The emotional abuser attacks a person's inherent value and their personhood. They take pleasure in or get relief from diminishing someone.

These behaviors can be direct or indirect, overt or covert. Often, the only visible sign that anything is going on is how you FEEL in the relationship. You don't feel good, but you can't quite put your finger on it. That's because your abuser uses covert and hidden tactics that seem small and insignificant. Yet, you feel like you've just been sucker punched. Emotional abusers are manipulative and coercive.

Many people find the word abuse too strong and think it doesn't apply to them because they haven't been hit. Abuse is complex and is often hard to define, especially if it is covert, or hidden, or ambient.

From: https://medium.com/@katiabeeden/recognize-these-subtle-but-extremely-real-forms-of-emotional-abuse-2d5a6be0d789

[Eireanne]

Moondance


There are a lot of CPTSD symptoms I have not known what to call them but have experienced forever it seems.     For example armoring.  I have known and felt this in my body for years and have been unable to get rid of it and didn't know it had a name. 

I didn't know either and part of the reason why I post things I come across...this is all brand new for me to have names for things I am experiencing.

If you (or anyone) is interested, I found the book on YouTube. https://youtu.be/E2yIjz5lqDY I hope it's not in violation to share that here.  Still learning the rules

[Eireanne]

10 Pet Peeves That Reflect Childhood Trauma Wounds

1. Being cut off in traffic or line can trigger the wound of being pushed aside like you do not matter or are not seen/valued.
2. Being interrupted can trigger the wound of being talked over by caregivers and treated like our words do not matter.
3. Eating a meal with someone on their phone can trigger the wound of being ignored.
4. Waiting can trigger the wound of not knowing if needs will be met.
5. Being put on the spot can trigger the wound of being in trouble.
6. One-uppers can trigger the wound of being dismissed.
7. People who constantly talk about their diet can trigger the wound of body shame.
8. Being lied to can trigger the wound of being unable to trust.
9. Passive-aggressive behavior can trigger a wound of behavior experienced in childhood.
10. Being teased can trigger the wound of having boundaries violated.