Should I contact or wait?

[Phoebes]

I'm kind of all over the place lately..partly due to post Covid brain fog and fatigue, partly because of my dog not doing well and injuring myself, and partly because of estrangement issues...

However, something I really don't know how to handle at all is the recent distance of someone I consider a best friend. Someone I am used to spending a lot of time with(once a week or so)....I have gut feelings, but I also know sometimes these can be inaccurate due to cptsd and hypervigilance.

Ever since the holidays I have felt a gradual distancing coming from this friend. I realize right around the time I
M imagining, I quit drinking and have not had a drink since, as well as I caught Covid and have had long Covid symptoms that come and go, making it hard to make plans.

Then there have been a couple of times where I felt like our plans got canceled because she forgot, under the guise of a "misunderstanding."

And now, I have had difficulties with my dog and an injury. And I have felt like she wasn't supportive at all, and hasn't reached out since...so, all signs point to she is distancing herself, but I don't know IF that's true, or why that would be. But I imagine my cptsd is running a bit wild.

I just want to ask her. Or even just ask her if she wants to do something and see if she says yes or no. It's probably not as big of a deal as I feel but I feel very crushed, loss of appetite, and gets severe anxiety when I think about texting her. This is someone I text and see you weekly for the last 10 years. This is just nuts. what is going on here what should I do and how should I say it? I feel so dysregulated, and I've spent several days feeling this way and doing the exercises to calm it down and watching videos about this sort of thing to help. I probably should just reach out but I just don't know.

[Armee]

Hey I recently went through something similar with my best friend too. Things still aren't the same and I'm not sure why. It does suck. But most likely in my case and yours, it has something to do with the other person's life. So perhaps just show up as a friend to her. But I know too us with cptsd tend to give more than we receive so putting our own needs continually aside and caring for the other exacerbates our own neglect too.

[Phoebes]

Sorry you've gone through something similar recently Armee. I have felt a Less pronounced version of this before, and it turned out she was just busy. I guess it just feels like there's been a lot of little things adding up. And now I'm frozen from reaching out at all.

[rainydiary]

I resonate with transitions in friendships and relationships.  It is confusing and hurtful and complex. 

[Phoebes]

I agree rainy. And I'm starting to think maybe my having perpetual struggles or being somewhat unavailable, and maybe even no fun anymore since I don't drink lately, maybe I've just become a bomber to her. I've always felt like I can't really talk about what's going on with me because it's all too much and even if I just give a little glimpse she shuts me down pretty quick. Because who can relate or handle the tiniest fragment of the BS we have to constantly deal with?

[Phoebes]

Ok, I texted and she already had plans with a mutual friend, but she invited me. Which is usually the case. I feel like why didn't they invite me in the first place if they really wanted me to come? I don't know maybe I need to back off and just stop putting so much stock in it. Maybe it's telling me I don't have enough other plans of my own.

[Not Alone]

No advise, but I understand struggles with friends. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Phoebes]

Thank you, not alone. 

[Kizzie]

Bravo to you for taking the risk to text Phoebes           

Maybe if you are still a bit uncertain and feel up to it you could take the risk of saying something to her like "Are we good?  I've been feeling a little worried about our relationship lately and thought I'd check things out with you." 

[Phoebes]

Thank you kizzie for the encouragement! I do think that conversation is in the near future!

[Phoebes]

Well, I went to the gathering, and I can't say I feel any better. In fact I think I feel worse. It's like usual where I feel everyone there is connecting and conversing in a flow with each other and I am sitting there listening. And at some point someone awkwardly says so what's new with you? And there's really no interest in what I have to say. I chalk it up to my awkwardness and my inability to connect. My anxiety. I don't think I would've felt this way if I didn't already feel there was something wrong.

I also feel like I fawned in a way. By going at all and by acting like nothing was wrong in hopes everything would be alright. Also, I had a couple of drinks, when I have not drank in a long time. I just wanted everything to feel normal.

[Blueberry]

I'd like to give you a   if that feels good for you because this sounds so familiar to me, more how things used to be than how they now are.

[Phoebes]

Thank you blueberry. I can relate to that. Because I thought this sort of feeling and scenario was long in the past. Makes me wonder if molecules I thought I've healed by now or still lurking in there waiting to pounce

[Phoebes]

Still dealing with this topic, I wanted to wait until my body was not flooded with hypervigilance and toxic shame. I hadn't really experienced this in a long time and I know it is CPTSD related, and one thing I have learned is when I'm feeling too urgent to say or do something that I should wait.

Part of the stress is my dog needs immediate and ongoing care, and she is his vet. I just very bluntly asked and said that I needed to make plans for his care and if she was up for it I would rather it be her then someone else. She then responded with some stuff about making sure my insurance was covering it. I think she was concerned that it would be expensive for me, which felt very strange because I'm not used to people being concerned about my finances lol and it felt a little ick. I let her know to not worry about that part, that I was going to get him help one way or the other and I would rather it be her regardless of the financial end. So we set that up. But nothing about the personal side.

All week I kept wanting to see if she wants to do something fun this weekend. I think it was just me wanting things to be back to normal. Then I had some fears come up like that have taken place for a while. That she's already made plans with the other people and then she invites me to tagalong. This all sounds so silly but I just don't know why I can't connect with these people, because I really like them and would like to. For some reason I feel very other.

Then I just felt to wait because I was feeling too urgent and anxious. After some writing I realized that I have some issues that I have never addressed. I feel like I can't talk to her about anything that might be perceived as "negative". This is sort of a trigger for me because my family has some of the toxic positivity brigade that I've learned is actually toxic and not how I "should" be thinking. I forced myself to sink toxic positivity for years and it ruined my life frankly.

But then she will talk about how she and other friends talked about this and that and it really hurts my feelings that somehow I'm not allowed to connect on that level or it just annoys her. All of this made me think you know I don't feel this way or have this level of expectation of my other friends. Maybe I'm expecting too much because she is my close single friend who Those things with me regularly. I don't know, maybe this relationship hasn't flowed the way I thought it had. Maybe I have fawned and not talked about things important to me because I knew she would View it as negative. It's really kind of messed up. Maybe it is a dysfunctional dynamic even. Is this something we could talk through and become better friends? Or should I just except that maybe it's not a good fit. Either way it's exceptionally painful and I'm kind of down on myself for how I've handled this over the years.

[Blueberry]

Just want to let you know that I read your post Phoebes. I've been through a fair number of problems in long-term friendships that I thought were good friendships. Then it didn't always turn out that way. I don't have an answer. You will come to one when the time is right for you or the way is clear for you.