Forging New Paths

[Blueberry]

And the downtime you'll DESERVE after.

Thanks, that's a really good reminder to me! Not lazy    when I need downtime again! No, I DESERVE the downtime.

[Lakelynn]

Blueberry,

congratulations on your "wherewithal" today. I love that word, and haven't read it for a long time. Singing, dancing, cooking, eating, gardening! Woo!

[Moondance]

This is so, so awesome for you Blueberry

 

[Blueberry]

Armee, it's a week later and I'm in a bit of downtime, so not as productive as last Sunday, though not completely unproductive either.

Thank you Lakelynn and Moondance for cheering me on.   
Idk where I got the word 'wherewithal', but Idk what word to use otherwise. When I don't have the wherewithal, it's not just that I don't have the energy or the will or willpower or??

I'm continuing to mostly not get on with things. It feels as if I have no goals. Also there's nothing to fight against any more and 'fighting against' kept me going.

I was reading back in my Journal, looking for something else and came across the above quotation. I don't feel anything to fight against today either and there has been nothing the past few days but I still got quite a bit done and had enjoyable days. So that means that 'fighting against' is NOT the only thing that keeps me going. This is very important information for me.

I want to add a quote from a journalist on BBC: I've realised that on life's journey, if you find happiness in the banalities of day-to-day life, then it's usually a good place to stop and pitch your tent.

The journalist has some similarities with me. First-generation immigrant, so growing up in two different cultures and ending up moving around a bit, back and forth among several different countries. The first time I lived in my third country I found a lot of happiness and stability in the banalities of day-to-day life. I live permanently in that third country now. The past couple of days I was at the farm where I usually also find happiness in the banalities of day-to-day life. So do the farm people - whatever is going on in the world or on the farm, the cows still need to be milked... I'm not actually involved in that kind of work, but still so long as I manage to get to the farm, I wouldn't shirk my work because somebody else needs the prep work I do. And they're happy when I do it, and say so. They are happy being helped, I guess, and don't view it as banality.

[Armee]

I love that quote from the journalist. It reminds me of Buddhist monks. And that it's perfectly acceptable just to exist.

[Not Alone]

 

[Blueberry]

Trying to believe I'm currently in the downtime I DESERVE.

[Armee]

Having been there, you do deserve it.

[Blueberry]

Still in downtime. Don't even want to get out of downtime. Though I need to tomorrow. Have appointments, a good thing undoubtedly. I have to leave downtime eventually. I feel ashamed about the length of downtime.

[Blueberry]

On goals - today I'm feeling some interest in doing aquafitness at the local pool. I liked it whenever it was offered in inpatient settings and it certainly will save a bit of pressure on my joints and feet. Might not be possible this week time-wise, but I hope the week after.

I'm no longer quite so entrenched in downtime. I can feel a little change in me, somewhere deep down. Everything's not quite so difficult.

[Blueberry]

Today I went on a group excursion to a place I've been to before. I was glad of a group this time to trail along with, rather than travelling there with them and doing stuff on my own. To me, it's partially a warning - try and stay upright every day and do the best you can otherwise you'll be getting old before your time.

iow: look after yourself or a social worker will have to look after you.

On that note I'm logging out and am going to collect my dry laundry from the basement. 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
You mentioned that you can feel a little change in yourself, somewhere deep down, and that everything's not quite so difficult - I just wanted to say  to that. 

I also wanted to say that I hope you enjoy the Aquafit, if you do get to go there the week after. 

The group excursion also sounds good. 

 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

I'm continuing to mostly not get on with things. It feels as if I have no goals. ... I lie in bed reading books ... and doze off.

I could have gone to the farm today, but

I used sometimes to wonder if I might end up in this kind of state - of just not caring any more.

Ditto.

I even wrote a whole list of Goals, though I didn't entitle them as such. I read it through completely disinterested. I'm reading a novel which is new to me. It makes me a bit anxious.

I even considered going to the farm yesterday, but I prefer lying curled up in bed in the fetal position, sometimes warm, sometimes not so warm. Doing anything feels like a major effort, so mostly just lie in bed. Though I'm actually sitting up now and am no longer in bed.

I've given up for the moment. But nobody on here needs worry. As in my childhood, I'm far too lethargic and passive to do anything to myself. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

Thank you san, that means a lot.

I'm better on track. My occupational T was able to help me yesterday. He pointed out what I am managing and what goals I do have and am working on.

This morning I realised I am generally hard on myself though it doesn't help, and I am especially that way when things are tough.