Forging New Paths

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you were able to talk to a friend, and that it helped.

 

[Armee]

   I'm glad you were able to talk to a friend.

[Blueberry]

Thank you all.

Keeping going atm is really hard.

I have managed some things though.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

Spent the night tossing and turning - feverish. So now I'm physically sick. Either a really really bad cold or Corona. Haven't done the test yet, not urgent because I'm not well enough to leave the house anyway.

I may come on the forum if I feel lonely, otherwise no worries about me.

[Armee]

Aw I'll be a little worried so I hope you are well enough to check in. 

Feel better soon and rest with no guilt or should.

[NarcKiddo]

I hope you feel better soon. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee and NK  

Much improved physically. I'm taking lots of rest.

Emotionally... there's quite a lot going on.

[Armee]

 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad to hear you're getting plenty of rest and feeling better physically. I hope the emotional side of things improves, too.

[Blueberry]

Thanks...

The emotional side is more longer-term stuff, maybe. Stuff I'm ruminating on. Some maybe 'just' an age thing like I'm in my 50's but it looks to me as if I really can't work anymore so I feel like 50-odd going on 75. Especially since I don't seem capable of really looking after myself or of enjoying myself the way functional retired people do. So it feels to me as if my life is at an end. Also a lot of memories, not necessarily bad but nonetheless of times in FOO countries, of things like grandparents' homes. Don't they say your childhood comes back when you're old? Or when you get dementia? Or even your life passes through your mind again just before you die? Sorry to be morbid. There's actually no reason for me to keel over and die.

Today I got a call from a fellow patient from the clinic this year. She's being re-admitted next week and knows of a number of others who aren't doing too well either... She was there because of trauma, I don't know about the 'others'. It kind of buoyed me up hearing from somebody who relates to "I'm not really doing anything much atm". I usually use "atm" to mean a lot longer frame of time than "moment", I'm not sure if everybody does. So not really doing much for months is what it feels like, in fact not much since I came home. otoh today I planned to do a covid test, set the dishwasher in motion and one other thing that has escaped my memory. I set the dishwasher in motion and it took me three occasions to remove the clean dishes and put them away. I wasn't too tired, I just felt too awful for want of a better word, though that's not quite right either. I suppose to go back to my other word, I simply didn't have the wherewithal somehow. I often don't have the wherewithal and so although it may feel as if I've done nothing since coming home, I've often done as much as I could.

Ah yes, Armee, good point - Should is never good for me. I have been 'shoulding' myself recently. Including 'should be able to keep going till next summer' rather than going back inpatient before then, which I've felt like a few times. 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I have only just seen that you've been feeling ill, I am so sorry that you haven't been very well - and I really hope you feel better very soon.  Wishing you the best for recuperating and taking lots of rest. 

I have literally just put an entry in my journal where I mentioned not doing anything related to 'should' - and I found it very validating to see you make that very same point here in your journal.  It was like serendipity! 

I also wanted to say to you that I've read some things you've been writing in other parts of the forum lately, and I really value all that your write - it really helps me a lot to read what you write.  I wanted you to know that. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

I am doing quite a lot better today

today I planned to do a covid test, set the dishwasher in motion and one other thing that has escaped my memory. I set the dishwasher in motion and it took me three occasions to remove the clean dishes and put them away. I wasn't too tired, I just felt too awful for want of a better word.

One concrete example of doing better - today I set the dishwasher in motion again and I was able to remove the clean dishes and put them away all in one go! It was just so much less strenuous than 3 days ago. And in fact I emptied the dishwasher round about doing other things, like making myself a salad and then a small warm meal. That would've been impossible 3 days ago.

Thank you for your words Hope      to you.

[NarcKiddo]

That's great. Especially the food prep.

There is a trend here for people to have two dishwashers side by side. They never empty, just run them alternately and take clean dishes out as they want them. Sounds quite tempting if one had the space and budget.

[Blueberry]

There is a trend here for people to have two dishwashers side by side. They never empty, just run them alternately and take clean dishes out as they want them.

 

I have neither the space nor the budget. But actually if I had the space, I'd rather have a bigger sink and more drainboard! What I do have is very cramped, so I have various washing up bowls under a cupboard full of things too large for dishwasher or otherwise unsuitable and I sort of don't get on with washing them that often   Before I lived here, one of the fairly easy things for me to get going again with (after a few days or week or... of an EF) was dish-washing, whereas here it's difficult and doesn't have the same good effect on me on me afterward. I think partly because I don't do this whole lot all at once with my hands in nice warm water etc etc. I mean, I can't! I don't have the space so I do a little at a time which doesn't give me the same sort of euphoric feeling.

Live and learn. This is the first time I have ever had a dishwasher.