Forging New Paths

[Blueberry]

I've done a bit more today and it's not even evening yet.

LL was here yesterday mowing the lawn. He's a much more careful worker than I am. Everything has to be just so and the lawnmower carefully cleaned afterwards etc. He saw where I had been doing some weeding and helpfully pointed out that some had grown back. It hadn't actually, that was where I'd given up and gone to do something else. Unfortunately that's how I work - a bit here, a bit there. Better than nothing at all I figure. It is one of my problems though, I admit that and admitted it to LL too.

There were some other things I wanted to write but I feel blocked now, don't want to write them after all. Maybe later, maybe tomorrow.

[Armee]

  way to go Blueberry! It's how I work, too. And you are right better than not starting at all. Good job weeding and teaching and being up. Period.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee for validating and cheering me on     Good to know I'm not the only person who works like that.

I wrote this in another mbr's Journal very recently:
Most important is stabilisation. In fact, in my country that's the mantra for healing from cptsd: stabilisation, stabilisation, stabilisation, look at something, process a little, stabilisation, stabilisation, stabilisation, look a bit further or look at something else, process, stabilisation, stabilisation, stabilisation,... and then integration starts happening and maybe growth in a form that you can see for yourself.

I realised today how apt it continues to be for me. I haven't looked at something so much as confronted FOO mbrs with a few home truths. But I still need to do stabilisation, stabilisation, stabilisation afterwards. This stabilisation looks a little different than in previous years or back when I was generally less well. Then I might not have been able to do something fun for instance, whereas this evening I did. I was at a comedy/concert evening. I got dressed up a little to go and noted that felt good. I also saw people there I knew and chatted a bit in the intermission, which also did me good. NTS I'm pretty sure I'm in integration/growth stage but after heavy stuff definitely need to go back to stabilisation.

What I might have written earlier but blocked on was something from ICr. a bit I think. Atm I'd say it's better for me to focus on the fact that I decided to leave home this evening and go to the comedy/concert and feel better now than when criticisms of myself were going through my head.

I know I've mentioned that on here before but NTS there's this thing called 'getting-better-is-contagious'. Meaning I move from one strengthening/stabilising activity to the next. They build on each other.

[Blueberry]

I came on here to write for me but have already read a few other posts. Just dragged myself away. So either it's not easy to prioritise myself or it's not easy to prioritise the steps I want to take. I think the latter, so I do something like reading other posts to put off writing about difficult realisations.

Yesterday I wrote on here: NTS I'm pretty sure I'm in integration/growth stage but after heavy stuff definitely need to go back to stabilisation. Now a few things tell me I'm pretty sure I'm still in the processing-then-back-to-stabilisation phase. Why do I think that? Something Bermuda wrote in a post:  There was a time for me too when these things would not have even been possible. I can't even imagine life like that anymore. I wouldn't have been able to perform the tasks necessary to even submit myself to a program let alone show up.   Well, I'm still at the stage having a lot of trouble performing the necessary tasks for almost anything plus incapable of showing up regularly. So that was the first clue.

Second clue today: I knew I really needed a shower and esp. hair-wash before my student came. Put that off as long as possible by a) not getting up and then b) doing other things - emailing, gardening, cleaning in that order. I needed to clean really badly too but even that seems easier than shower/hair wash. Well, I noticed this particular time showering how much anxiety I have around the whole process. This time the water temp. regulation didn't go so well and that really upped my anxiety. Nothing bad happened, I didn't burn myself but I have a little Blueberry who doesn't want to shower because "cold", which has to do with past stuff. So when cold water unexpectedly touched my skin, I felt a brief Freeze everytime and/or a little internal jump. NTS writing that out isn't helpful, it just puts at least one BB back thru it w/o doing any healing.

Also today I took longer to write an email to friends than would be 'normal' for other people, which just reminds me how difficult day-to-day life is. And then after teaching when I was really hungry, I notice how anxiety-causing even cooking the simplest of hot meals is for me. No wonder I've been putting that off for days/weeks too. I did talk to an I.Child about me being in charge and she could join in or watch but no fear, no worries, because I am in charge. That didn't calm her down. She was sceptical, got balshy and didn't believe a thing about me being capable and in charge. While writing that I remember my own M used to complain that I was so distrustful, so presume it's that I.Ch. Trying to react better towards her than my M did, but often I just go blank. So the situation is not resolved.

All of the above tells me that I have come a long way, but still a lot of struggling going on. And no wonder I don't want to get up when I know deep down somewhere that the things I keep putting off actually still are very difficult, even still giving rise to Freeze. And these things are just day-to-day stuff. I can choose not to do them till I'm feeling better, but then again sometimes I need to just go and do them e.g. hair wash because otherwise I avoid people, eventually when I know it's really overdue.

A big NTS though: vacuuming is no longer so exhausting. It's even kind of satisfying, so I could try and do that a little more often aka could attempt not to put that off.

[Moondance]

I can so relate Blueberry

[Blueberry]

Thank you for your validation, Moondance 

I was going to write in my post last night that I didn't think I was in an EF. I didn't really sleep much last night, but I did a tiny bit of EFT (just tapping the crown of my head w/o even really much of a sentence), started yawning like crazy. I've now been up for 1.5 hours and have been getting on with stuff. Feels good. It's easier than it was yesterday or has been for a while in fact, so I think I must have been in an EF.

What I'm going to write now is difficult for me. Yesterday I wanted to write either that I wasn't in an EF or wasn't triggered because my still-trauma-T suggested fairly recently that something I labelled a retraumatisation or maybe traumatising, I can't remember exactly - might have been old LL and all that mess - wasn't actually (re-)traumatising because I'm no longer completely helpless at the hands of people like LL the way I was in childhood. Wanting to write I wasn't in an EF or wasn't triggered in that context sounds to me like a 'should' statement. I shouldn't be that way, shouldn't still react that way or at the very least I shouldn't label it that way. But maybe I'm just noticing that my still-trauma-T is not 100% perfect or not 110% perfect, that maybe he occasionally misjudges something or had some other reason to make that comment in that particular situation? His remark didn't bowl me over the way it might with a newish T and I don't even think I'm really critical of him, or at least that's not what I'm aiming for with this post. It's more allowing myself to have a different opinion from somebody I trust and somebody who has helped me a lot, and it's still OK. I don't have to devalidate everything this person has ever done or said, the way I learned in FOO and which I'm probably still not completely over. But at least this is a step on the healing journey. I can feel that this having-a-different opinion-and-it's-not-OK is based on fear, which makes a ton of sense the way I grew up in FOO.

Just as an aside: That's a long paragraph. I often have trouble figuring out where to make a break these days because everything seems connected to me and there's no natural place for a break, if that makes sense.

[Blueberry]

I'm on the way up again, which is cool!

I'd organised for a professional handyman to come today and put hooks and shelving up and that kind of thing. Now I can unpack more, especially books. One kitchen worktop is less cluttered because now all my packets of tea are on their own little shelf on the wall 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing about using the handyman.  When I move into my new house, my hope is to build a network of professionals and let some people take some things off my plate from time to time (like a cleaner coming to help me clean every now and then).  It's hard to seek that help for me, but I think it would help a lot.

[Armee]

Great job Blueberry! Im so glad you have a period of time of energy to unpack and settle in. 

[Blueberry]

It's hard to seek that help for me, but I think it would help a lot.

It used to be very hard for me to spend money for this type of thing. Even way back when I had a regular and good income. I allowed myself some help through LETS (time-share points-based system), but for money? No way. I wasn't stingy I don't think, after all I gave money to charity and I gave nice presents, and sometimes I bought myself expensive things e.g. I wouldn't normally have bought myself a second-hand bike back then, I bought myself a good new one and good equipment, some of which I still have. I bought organic and where possible fair-trade food, but money on getting help setting up?? No.

Because of having trauma in my hands, handy man / handy woman type work is very, very hard and utterly exhausting. So I lived fairly un-set up. Even banging a nail into the wall to hang a picture up was a no-go. Sticking pictures or postcards up with tape was utterly exhausting to the point of having to lie down and sleep for several hours afterwards. I suppose it was an EF though at that time I actually felt quite good about myself (compared to childhood/teenage years) and didn't even know I had depression (because I was comparing that with what I had in childhood/teenage years, which obviously wasn't just depression but ongoing traumatisation and pretty constant Freeze), and I obviously didn't know about EFs or trauma or cptsd.

In the place I just left, where I lived for 17 years, I got professional help with various things after about 10 years. Things like additional hooks in my entrance way so that all my 'clobber' of bike bags, rucksacks, shopping bags, bike helmet could be stored somewhere other than the floor! Things like banging a nail into the wall to hang up a picture became possible for me bit by bit - therapy was showing its progress!  It was real progress and I'd praise myself and/or Inner Ch. In occupational therapy back then I made a wooden board I had hanging around the place into an additional shelf for a cupboard in my entrance way. I still have it and use it   I borrowed a type of power saw from a friend and improved on my guinea pigs' accommodation. By removing some extraneous sides, they got more light and it was easier for me to see them side-on. That was very big progress because machines near hands are very scary and machine noises are scary too. It's also very big progress when either I carry out a change I've had in my mind for a while or I pay somebody else to do it. 

rainy, I think setting up a network of professionals to help is a great idea! I hope you can do that   Unlike me, you're working professionally F/T I presume or almost F/T whereas I'm working professionally about 4-5 hrs a week and am taking the time for therapy steps. That includes just seeing where things take me. In my old place, a friend cleaned the basics for me most weeks. She doesn't now and I'm getting better at doing it on my own   Some stuff just doesn't get done, or not yet, and that's just the way it is.

Armee, yes, it's really good having this period of time to unpack, settle in and just see where things take me. Before I moved I hoped that cleaning and keeping things tidy might be easier in my new place, but I didn't know for sure that would be the case. It's developing that way bit by bit. I'm surprised though how much dirt and dust turns up w/o having guinea pigs! I always thought I had so much because of them. Apparently not. Well, my particular brand of SH doesn't help.

I suppose I have this period of time because I decided I need it. I decided some time ago - can't even remember when exactly that I was giving up the one type of professional work for a set amount of time and now it's quite obvious for me that I'm extending that by a further 6 months at least. I think it's quite possible I'll never go back to it. Teaching/tutoring I'm still doing a little of but it's equally obvious to me that the main and most important use of my time and energy is steps in recovery. This includes taking and having time to feel. Even while writing this I've been doing some feeling, e.g. it was hard to write the bit about the power saw. I felt the fear again in my gut and even in my throat. I know it's some really old fear that may or may not be connected to the saw, dangerous as that type of tool could potentially be and certainly would have seemed to me as a small child.

It's also becoming obvious to me that I'm not leaping into volunteer work. Because I need this time for me! Not for other people. My still-trauma-T waited a long time for me to finally get this! It involves me giving something up and allowing myself a time of limbo for something to come naturally, organically as it were in its place rather than leaping into something else to fill that space. That would be volunteer work - to help somebody else. Whereas here it's making time for my own process. Not that I can't be helpful to somebody or occasionally do a couple of hours volunteer work or just 5 minutes in passing, but with an awareness of what I'm doing and why and whether it's draining me.

[sanmagic7]

you know, blueberry, i think it was good to discover you might disagree w/ someone you trust, and the relationship as a whole does not need to be thrown out.  as far as the new LL and the old LL stuff goes, i think it's ok for you to feel about it like you do.  your new LL sounds like a bit of a controller, and i have a difficult time being around those types of people.  like you, i don't always do one thing to the end, but rather go from this and that to the other.  sounds like new LL doesn't do that and automatically assumes everyone else doesn't or shouldn't.  that's where i'd place that 'should' - w/ the new LL.

which, if we grew up w/ a lot of 'shoulds' can be very triggering.  trust yourself, blueberry.  you know the dynamics of that kind of life.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

I copied this word-for-word from Kizzie's Journal because I want it in my Journal. Thanks Kizzie! I will come back to it and write my thoughts on it another day.

Kizzie: I was just re-reading an article about N parents and it helped me to understand why I don't want to go visit my NM who has terminal cancer before she dies.  She is a covert or stealth N who has made it her quest to be perceived as the good, best really mother, wife, sister, aunt, friend.... and she has fooled a lot of people. I am so afraid of going to see her and having this erasure of abuse as described below happen to me.  I know it happened, but it is so terribly painful that others do not.

This form of secondary gaslighting and invalidation is incredibly painful, especially when it comes from the very professionals, friends and family members who are meant to help support the survivor on their healing journey. Not only does secondary gaslighting from other people further isolate the survivor, it actually hinders the healing process. I cant tell you the number of times a survivor has reached out to me to tell me the painful effects of being invalidated by a friend, a family member, a spiritual leader or even a therapist who dispensed ill-informed, sometimes even victim-blaming ideas.

This also contributes to a global Gaslighting Effect in which speaking out about abuse by covert manipulators is met with some form of backlash, victim-blaming, and victim-shaming by enablers of abusers and abusers themselves.Survivor Ariel Leve explains that this form of secondary gaslighting in incredibly traumatic to the survivor. As she says, "It wasn't just that my reality was canceled, but that my perception of reality was overwritten...it wasn't the loudest and scariest explosions that caused the most damage. It wasn't the physical violence or the verbal abuse or the lack of boundaries and inappropriate behavior. What did the real damage was the denial that these incidents ever occurred...the erasure of the abuse was worse than the abuse."

    Arabi, S. (2018) https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recovering-narcissist/2018/10/gaslighting-survivors-of-narcissists-and-narcissistic-abuse/#.XHvUb3hryo0.twitter How Society Gaslights Survivors of Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths (A Guide for Therapists, Law Enforcement and Loved Ones)

[Blueberry]

you know, blueberry, i think it was good to discover you might disagree w/ someone you trust, and the relationship as a whole does not need to be thrown out. 

Totally!

Your new LL sounds like a bit of a controller, and i have a difficult time being around those types of people.  like you, i don't always do one thing to the end, but rather go from this and that to the other.  sounds like new LL doesn't do that and automatically assumes everyone else doesn't or shouldn't.  that's where i'd place that 'should' - w/ the new LL.

It just seemed to be that one day for some reason. Some days after he was in the garden again and I mentioned I'd been feeling better for a couple of days and so I had partially cleared a bunch of dandelions and nettles from a space and had been planting some of the plants I brought with me in that space, though I wasn't finished yet. He was accepting of that, no critical remarks or anything, his face even lit up at my flowers. He also pointed at the bed about which he'd made the critical remark and mentioned it's all clear now which isn't even quite true, but yeah, I had done some more work on it. He was pleased.

I'm going inpatient again next week. Last year part of the program for some people though not me was doing outside work in the grounds. I would've liked to be in that group but it clashed with something important like 'mindfulness including body work for women with trauma'. But now I realise with the amount of recovery work and progress I have under my belt since then, I don't actually need the outdoor work therapy, working in the garden here to the specifications of LL will give me part of what I hoped to get out of the outdoor work therapy. This is huge progress!   One example, since LL showed me how to carefully clean the mower, I've carefully removed all soil off the garden tools I've been using - his as well as mine. In earlier times, I would have been too exhausted to do so. Now I stop before I get that exhausted. I don't think it's a bad thing to keep tools clean and in good working order. I would guess that LL grew up with that being normal and common place, based on what I know of him.

As for old LL - he and new LL are miles apart. New LL might be a bit pedantic in some ways, but he means well and is generous. I probably have some things to learn about getting on with him (which might include not explaining or justifying myself) and he does about getting on with me, but I don't have any huge doubts or fears.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i'm glad i read him wrong and that he's not what i thought.   

will be thinking of you while you're inpatient.  sounds like you've made some good realizations for yourself.  well done!  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Thinking of you Blueberry 

Thank you again for the links you provided.