Forging New Paths

[Blueberry]

Today's been a difficult day. I woke up with my eyes and the surrounding skin all puffy. I had this last year too, in the aftermath of Covid. I feel dopey and generally unwell and have been sleeping a lot. Headache and other undefined non-well feeling. Yesterday (Thursday) I had a huge lump in my throat and my nasal passages felt all clogged up. There's a bit left today. These two are very old symptoms, which I hardly get anymore and especially not to that degree.

On Wednesday I went to a talk/cultural event and one of the friends I gave the hoof to was there. She made a beeline for me in the intermission. She wanted to know where I've moved to. I knew she'd want to know. I did tell her. Then she proceeded to 'interrogate' me: on whether it's affordable, whether I was staying there or moving back to old place once renovations done, whether old LL had coughed up enough to cover moving costs. When I nodded to that, she continued to pry about whether enough to cover other stuff...  I did tell her a bit about the place I've moved to, which she'd see anyway if she went past, like there's a garden. Partly I told her just because I like talking about my new place and I don't regret it, there's nothing particular she can do with the information. Except went straight on to comment on that being wonderful so the furbabies can go out onto the grass - she knew my furbabies and has a similar type herself. Nope, I don't have furbabies anymore. The old one died. More interrogation on future plans for furbabies, which I interrupted and then ended the conversation.

It's possible talking to her set off a bunch of physical symptoms. The inner head is nodding, so yes. Also looking back at that paragraph makes me realise how much was packed into that conversation though it really only felt like a few minutes and probably was only that. I did end the conversation - cut her off and turned away but NTS in a similar situation in future it would be advisable for me to end the conversation sooner or even right away. I do like to talk about my new place, but do that only for people who treat me well or treat me neutrally. This ex-friend doesn't do that. That's one reason why she's no longer a friend. I don't like the way she treats me and I told her as such in an email last year some time. So she's still coming up to me pretending we're friends. Quite a lot of her reminded me of FOO and in particular of M during that conversation and now while I'm mulling it over same thing.

I didn't ask her about herself or furbabies, except a polite 'How are you?' after her initial question on same, to which I answered "Fine." which isn't quite true, but I sure didn't want to say anything else atm e.g. I'm going inpatient next week. No, she does not get that information    I didn't ask her any questions because I ended the friendship and I'm not interested. She apparently is still invested in the non-existant friendship, I have no idea why. I don't need to know either, but want to be more cautious in future around her. I'm NOT haranguing myself on having spoken to her. I'm just looking at what to do next time in a similar situation. This is big progress in kind, appropriate self-talk

[Armee]

It is big progress, Blueberry, and you are right there was a TON packed into that uncomfortable and unwanted conversation.

I hope you feel better soon as I imagine there are things you hope to do before going inpatient?

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the mention of noticing an "inner head" and if it is nodding along with something one suspects.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i also loved your image of an 'inner head' nodding.  great way to check yourself.  and, she does sound like someone i'd rather not be around.  i'm glad you recognized that and have a plan for the next time you meet.  appropriate self-talk, indeed!  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

I've had an Inner Head which nods for at least several years now. It's useful because when I become aware of it / see it in my mind's eye, then it's a definite 'yes'.

I'm definitely sick today. Mostly I lie in bed dozing and sleeping. don't even have the energy to read children's books.

I feel lonely, which is often the case when I'm sick. Makes sense too because I am completely alone. Too sick to even go down into the garden and talk to the birds.

I hope I'm well enough to go inpatient on Tuesday. I'll speak to them on Monday about that. Worst-case scenario - my stay would be postponed till August, but maybe postponed just a week. This coming Thursday is a public holiday anyway and nothing much happens in inpatient places here on the weekends.

I may be sick also because I quite simply need a break. It feels like a long time since I had to get sick in order to allow myself a break.

[rainydiary]

I hope the current unwellness lets up enough for the inpatient stay.  I resonate with feeling lonely when sick.  If it is helpful, I am here with you.

[Blueberry]

Thank you for being here with me rainy    Today I feel a little less lonely and a little better physically. It is interesting that you resonate with feeling lonely when sick too, rainy. I think it might be an inner child in my case. Not sure though.

Yes, Armee, unfortunately there are things I need and want to do before I go inpatient. Even if I pare the list down, which I have started already, there's still stuff to do and it feels exhausting just thinking about it. At least the inpatient place is very close by - just a short bus ride - so I can come home to deal with stuff or collect things I forgot but otoh once I am in inpatient modus, it often feels hard to drag myself away and what is in the scheme of things a short walk to the bus stop seems interminably long. Here at home I can get a taxi and I may do so the day of admission but where I'm going there are no taxis that I know of.

[sanmagic7]

glad to hear you're feeling better, blueberry.  hope that continues.  i also hope you get done what needs doing.  with you all the way.  love and hugs

[natureluvr]

I copied this word-for-word from Kizzie's Journal because I want it in my Journal. Thanks Kizzie! I will come back to it and write my thoughts on it another day.

Kizzie: I was just re-reading an article about N parents and it helped me to understand why I don't want to go visit my NM who has terminal cancer before she dies.  She is a covert or stealth N who has made it her quest to be perceived as the good, best really mother, wife, sister, aunt, friend.... and she has fooled a lot of people. I am so afraid of going to see her and having this erasure of abuse as described below happen to me.  I know it happened, but it is so terribly painful that others do not.

This form of secondary gaslighting and invalidation is incredibly painful, especially when it comes from the very professionals, friends and family members who are meant to help support the survivor on their healing journey. Not only does secondary gaslighting from other people further isolate the survivor, it actually hinders the healing process. I cant tell you the number of times a survivor has reached out to me to tell me the painful effects of being invalidated by a friend, a family member, a spiritual leader or even a therapist who dispensed ill-informed, sometimes even victim-blaming ideas.

This also contributes to a global Gaslighting Effect in which speaking out about abuse by covert manipulators is met with some form of backlash, victim-blaming, and victim-shaming by enablers of abusers and abusers themselves.Survivor Ariel Leve explains that this form of secondary gaslighting in incredibly traumatic to the survivor. As she says, "It wasn't just that my reality was canceled, but that my perception of reality was overwritten...it wasn't the loudest and scariest explosions that caused the most damage. It wasn't the physical violence or the verbal abuse or the lack of boundaries and inappropriate behavior. What did the real damage was the denial that these incidents ever occurred...the erasure of the abuse was worse than the abuse."

    Arabi, S. (2018) https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recovering-narcissist/2018/10/gaslighting-survivors-of-narcissists-and-narcissistic-abuse/#.XHvUb3hryo0.twitter How Society Gaslights Survivors of Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths (A Guide for Therapists, Law Enforcement and Loved Ones)

This is really excellent.  It is why I never share my traumatic experiences with people other than ones in this forum, and my husband.  I"m so glad you posted this blueberry. 

Is there a legend here on the forum where I can find out what the different acronyms stand for? What is an LL? 

Blueberry I applaud you for ending a friendship with a person what was not good for you.  I'm sorry you had to deal with her during your culture event.  Good for you, for ending the conversation and turning away. 

I'm sorry that you are sick, and might have to put off your inpatient stay.  I'm sending healing thoughts and prayers your way, if that's OK.

I've read through your journal, and like you, I'm also into gardening.  It sounds like you are having some good progress, and are working hard at your recovery.   

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I am thinking of you, and hoping you're doing ok.  Will look forward to communicating with you again when you're back.  Sending you a hug in the meantime 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thinking of you, blueberry.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you everybody.

I was writing a lovely long response including an update from inpatient T, chiefly for myself of course, but I did something wrong and unintentionally 'left' OOTS and lost what I was writing. Oh well, back to my paper Journal. Hope I remember some of the conclusions I came to while writing on here so can write them in my paper Journal too.

natureluvr, there is a list of acronyms on here somewhere. LL probably isn't on it, but it means landlord.

I'll probably be inpatient till July 25th or possibly even a week after that. Just home for the weekend to see how I get on and also to get a break from a bunch of other psychologically unhealthy people. Kind of different from on OOTS, even my one-on-one inpatient trauma T said something along the lines of: 'don't take xyz personnally, because between you, me and the garden post, nobody here is healthy psychologically'. That's not as bad as it sounds vis-a-vis the other patients.

[sanmagic7]

you've been on my mind, too, blueberry.  sorry you lost the response - i hate when that happens.  love and hugs

[Armee]

  we miss you around here. I'm glad you can get a breather. I can imagine it would be a challenging interpersonal environment. Here you can come and go as you have the bandwidth for. There is where you are living.

[Kizzie]

Good to see you pop up BB, we do miss you    I hear you about the unhealthy people in your inpatient program having done two programs in the last 6 months.  In the second one there was a fellow who literally made my teeth ache and between him and all the CBT I left - could not take it anymore.  Fortunately my psychiatrist was supportive so I didn't have to deal with any attitude.

Anyway, glad to see you and I hope the time home gives you a good enough break.  Love what the T said!