Forging New Paths

[Blueberry]

NTS: when you're really down and listless and no energy and can't remember any of your goals and even being reminded of them doesn't help, there is probably something working away in your subconscious and a breakthrough is going to come when the time is right

A good reminder for myself today!!

I was also reading back in this Journal and remembered what was all going on internally in the few weeks towards the end of my inpatient stay and in the weeks after I left and how I didn't really have the space or ability to process all of it. And then I hear from my psychiatrist last week that he's against me going back inpatient or that if I do then it should only be for a short time because it's time to learn to progress as an outpatient and basically that the health care system only has so much money. While reading my Journal just now, I'm thinking at psycho doc: "You realise this is trauma we're talking here?!?" What he unfortunately doesn't realise is the degree of dissociation because he doesn't actually understand it. Unfortunately he's also the best psychiatrist round here for me. He used to work in the inpatient place I was in but that's no huge recommendation. The trauma Ts there have more clue than the psychiatrists about trauma, especially about the more complex cases on the dissociative spectrum, like me.

Should doesn't do me good, not even coming from a doctor or therapist. In fact the opposite.

I am grateful that the medical system pays so much here but I'm not sure why my psychiatrist thinks he needs to dissuade me from going inpatient when things are plainly very difficult. I'm not sure what I could or should have done in the past to not allow things to get in this state. 

[Armee]

I'm really frustrated with your psychiatrist. It really isn't fair to say what he has given that you are not receiving appropriate treatment outpatient. If the only way to get the appropriate trauma therapy is at the inpatient center than he has no business telling you you need to manage on your own. That's his own ignorance.

[NarcKiddo]

I don't understand the inpatient system and I expect it varies from place to place anyway. I can see the point of having a goal of being a permanent outpatient (or even not a patient at all - wouldn't that be nice?). But I don't see how piling guilt on someone is helpful.

I am sorry your psychiatrist is being difficult.

 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee and NK for responding.

I don't know what to think about this at all.

I'm in 'give up' mode, I even went into hibernation over Christmas, just lay in bed dozing and reading and eating the edibles I got for Christmas.

I feel ashamed of giving up.

[Armee]

 

It's OK. The giving up is not permanent. Rest up, as needed. When you have the energy and the right set of parts present, you'll get the things done that need to be done.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee. The giving up is fairly constant though. I'll get going again for a day or day and a half and then give up again. I might get going again once a week or once every two weeks. I don't have the feeling that my meds help though I am taking them atm.

I used to have a bucket list. Now I've tried everything on it and/or realised I can't do it actually so I don't feel I have any goals left. Don't worry, SI is not an issue. I give up instead, that's where I am now.

[Blueberry]

NTS: when you're really down and listless and no energy and can't remember any of your goals and even being reminded of them doesn't help, there is probably something working away in your subconscious and a breakthrough is going to come when the time is right

A good reminder for myself today!!

6 days later and a big chunk of breakthrough has come through. I just need to believe in myself, have faith that the breakthroughs will come.

[NarcKiddo]

    

[sanmagic7]

so glad to hear this, blueberry. breakthroughs and/or realizations can take a lot of energy to show themselves. love and hugs

[Blueberry]

I used to have a bucket list. Now I've tried everything on it and/or realised I can't do it actually so I don't feel I have any goals left.

That was definitely an EF, I am glad to say.

Just the fact that I managed to do some tidying and few other bits of housework today shows me I have some goals, even just to feel better which I do in some way when I take better care of my surroundings. There are a few other goals at least in my mind. I'm not writing them down atm, they're too fragile for want of a better word, but I believe I'll be able to write them soon. 

[dollyvee]

Hi Blueberry,

I just wanted to say congratulations for managing to come out of your EF. That sounds like a good accomplishment.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Blueberry]

Thank you Dolly! It was an accomplishment, because looking back that was a pretty bad EF.

I managed to get on with even more things yesterday though at some point I had to stop. Here and no further kind of thing.

Today's a new day and I've already found an important piece of paper I had mislaid. IF I made New Year's Resolutions, I'd make one to always file papers in their proper place as soon as I receive them (whether actual paper or emailed documents), but I no longer make New Year's Resolutions because I can't keep them. That one about filing? I've made it before and as an NYR, it doesn't help.

I do have some Goals though. Trying to write them in my Paper Journal.

[NarcKiddo]

Today's a new day and I've already found an important piece of paper I had mislaid.

  

[Not Alone]

Hi Blueberry. Mostly dropping in to say hello.

I find paperwork to be very challenging. I don't understand a lot of the financial information and I'm not sure what needs to be saved. I just shredded a bunch of papers. Hopefully nothing that I will need! 

[Blueberry]

Thanks for commenting, Not Alone. It is as usual reassuring to know that I'm not alone with a symptom.

________________

Somehow I managed to jigger my back. Well, it will have to do with my feet throwing everything but I'm not sure why my feet suddenly got so bad again. Sitting at the computer is one of the worst things, so I'll be taking a little break. Fortunately I have physio tomorrow morning anyway.