Forging New Paths

[natureluvr]

f my neighbours knew... If my landlord knew... It's none of their business that my apt is total chaos or that I'm not capable of working atm. I know my feelings of shame don't have anything to do with them. With LL, it's more me feeling ashamed of what 'the powers that be' might say. He's the boss of the building, the way FOO mbrs were boss of the house when I was still a child and the way certain FOO mbrs are still boss of the workings of FOO and how that still affects me. Even though it probably "shouldn't". But it does. That's trauma.

It's good that you are aware that your shame about your apt being in chaos stems from your FOO. I relate to still being affected by the current workings of FOO.  These people were in charge of us for the first 18 or however many years, so I think it is only natural that it still affects us.  A term I heard in ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that helps me is "progress not perfection".  I hope you are out of the EF.  Sending you gentle hugs and thoughts, if that's OK.   

[Blueberry]

I'm in 'give up' mode, I even went into hibernation over Christmas, just lay in bed dozing and reading and eating the edibles I got for Christmas.

I feel ashamed of giving up.

Ditto.

It is an EF though, that much I know today. If my neighbours knew... If my landlord knew... It's none of their business that my apt is total chaos or that I'm not capable of working atm. I know my feelings of shame don't have anything to do with them. With LL, it's more me feeling ashamed of what 'the powers that be' might say. He's the boss of the building, the way FOO mbrs were boss of the house when I was still a child and the way certain FOO mbrs are still boss of the workings of FOO and how that still affects me. Even though it probably "shouldn't". But it does. That's trauma.

Same going on again.

Maybe my feelings of shame have a little bit to do with neighbours and their comments? I know one neighbour said last summer that LL should do more grass-cutting himself if it's so important to him, "the walking would help him lose weight too". Having someone in the house with that kind of attitude isn't the best for me...

I know some FOO stuff was weaving in and out of my dreams last night and after I woke up this morning, I was planning things to say to B1,

This reminds me that a few days ago - maybe last week? -  a flashback came, sort of visual, sort of physical felt of

***TW Physical Abuse***



B1 pounding his fist into my hipbone. idk if that ever actually happened, but I suppose it probably did. I can remember a similar scene, me in a similar position, but it was his fist on a different body part. It's kind of interesting because my body's so sore atm, especially hips. btw I don't like the word 'hips', it sounds triggering when I say it or feels so when I read it. Ugh.


***End TW***

I suppose with various memories like this floating back up to the surface, it's no surprise life is difficult atm.

Though getting up was a challenge. However, I have taken my first meds and done my meditation. Some days I genuinely look forward to getting up and doing my meditation. Not quite so enthusiastic today, but at least the idea that I would be doing my meditation before everything except first meds at least helped me get up. I got up before 9am too. Before I started doing daily meditation, I often didn't make it out of bed on Saturdays before noon, just so listless and exhausted.

Back to listless and exhausted and not making it up before noon plenty of days other than Saturdays.

[Blueberry]

f my neighbours knew... If my landlord knew... It's none of their business that my apt is total chaos or that I'm not capable of working atm. I know my feelings of shame don't have anything to do with them. With LL, it's more me feeling ashamed of what 'the powers that be' might say. He's the boss of the building, the way FOO mbrs were boss of the house when I was still a child and the way certain FOO mbrs are still boss of the workings of FOO and how that still affects me. Even though it probably "shouldn't". But it does. That's trauma.

It's good that you are aware that your shame about your apt being in chaos stems from your FOO. I relate to still being affected by the current workings of FOO.  These people were in charge of us for the first 18 or however many years, so I think it is only natural that it still affects us.  A term I heard in ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that helps me is "progress not perfection".  I hope you are out of the EF.  Sending you gentle hugs and thoughts, if that's OK.   

Thank you natureluvr for the compassion, validation and hugs. I had a :lightbulb: a while back that there is not post-traumatic stress for me with FOO but ongoing traumatic stress, even though I've been very very VLC for a long time, because the way they continue to treat me hasn't really changed and it still traumatises. In a way, they're still in charge of me because whenever there's the most minor bit of necessary and unavoidable contact, I end up in Freeze of some sort. And: Attempts at autonomy on my part = exclusion from FOO.

I like "progress not perfection"

[AphoticAtramentous]

Maybe my feelings of shame have a little bit to do with neighbours and their comments? I know one neighbour said last summer that LL should do more grass-cutting himself if it's so important to him, "the walking would help him lose weight too". Having someone in the house with that kind of attitude isn't the best for me...

Negativity like that can absolutely be so draining. I sympathise with what you earlier describe "It's none of their business that my apt is total chaos or that I'm not capable of working atm.". Not their business but still those feelings of guilt and shame keep bubbling... 


Sounds like you're going through an exhausting and tense time, Blueberry. Wishing you the best.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Blueberry]

Watching this has helped me: www.youtube.com/watch?v=M14kWDgbmf4
Note: The video helped me, not the comments. In fact, some of the comments may be triggering, so read cautiously or ignore completely.

A video of Patrick Teahan's on self-sabotage via a distrustful inner child. An inner child who is working kind of like an inner critic actually, but it's not the inner child's fault. The second half is about this child and how to reparent a child like that. That's what I need, that's where I'm stuck. PT doesn't mention the ICr here. He does mention the inner Adult who needs to reparent, but that often the inner Adult has problems with that.  That's where I am.

He does 2 dialogue examples, one with a struggling inner Adult, one with an inner Adult who's quite good at reparenting.

I'm having trouble motivating myself. It's not the first time I just 'go blank' on what I could say to my struggling inner child.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Watching this has helped me: www.youtube.com/watch?v=M14kWDgbmf4

Am glad it's helped you. 

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Blueberry]

Watching this has helped me: www.youtube.com/watch?v=M14kWDgbmf4

Am glad it's helped you. 

Thanks AA!

[dollyvee]

Hi Blueberry,

Thank you blueberry for posting this, I'll give it a watch. I like his videos and it really does seem like he's managed to overcome a lot of the things that I am struggling with, which gives me hope.

I have difficulty with my inner child, or approach to young parts like that. What's interesting is sometimes around children in real life, there would be this fear with babies, like do I know how to take care of them? It's almost like it gets to a certain point and there's a freeze response with them. I've written about it elsewhere, but I had a moment/vision where I was trying to help this child find it's mother in the change room at a pool. I felt capable like I was the kind of adult I want to be envision maybe? As I was going through the change room, I started to realize that this was a particular pool from my childhood, and pretty sure the one I learned to swim at when I was probably the age of the child I was helping. When this realization started to come in, I felt a sense of anxiety come up like would I be able to take care of this child? When I evaluated the moment/vision the next day, I wondered if this was something generational being passed down. My gm had my m when she was 17, and fleeing a country as a refugee. I don't think my m was equipped to be a parent either and told me I was a "mistake." So, I'm putting all this down because, at least for me, I don't think it's an easy jump just to "be kind to ourselves" and reparent our inner children. Sometimes, I think there's a lot of stuff in the way of that and it's not always straight forward ie this is what parents in my family went through, this is what I learned about being a parent, how do I let that go? It's also like this stuff doesn't happen linearly either. Sometimes these feelings and anxieties just sort of take over and it can be a challenge to understand what's going on.

Anyways, these are just my experiences and I hope you have success with the video and connecting to your inner child.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Blueberry]

Thank you dollyvee! Working with my inner children and teens isn't always easy for me either. I often draw a blank on what to say. More and more in the last few days I think it is the way forward for me though, instead of hoping that EMDR will do it. Altho possibly EMDR or some such method would be helpful for the CSA e.g. but for a lot of stuff that I just feel stuck on - talking with inner children/teens seems the way forward, as in the past too.

I'm often afraid of hurting real children with words or boundaries. I know that's very much connected to my past, to what was done to me. My fear is much reduced compared to 10-20 years ago.

I used to be very strict, including with myself. But for quite a number of years now I've gone the other way, tho I still lambast myself for not doing enough in general, eating badly, doing next to no sport etc etc etc. No longer strict with myself in those ways. Just today I realised once again, I still need to work on being kind towards myself in those respects too in order to get better back on track. Being kind is different from not being strict.

[Chart]

 

[dollyvee]

Hhi Blueberry,

I watched that Patrick Teahan video and found the role playing to be very useful in thinking about how the child can show up. I feel like in the past, when there's an image of a baby for example, t's want me to show it love and care, and while I get that, it just also somehow seems forced? It could be of course, that I have difficulty doing those things because there was no blueprint for it in my family, and it could also be because there are other aspects of inner children that also need parenting. For example, in IFS I had this rock like part that showed up stomping around. T mentioned that this might be how preverbal parts experience trauma, that they lacked expression for things. To me, it can also be the part of me that never received attention at that age (around five?), so felt like I had to go stomping around. I think these parts need understanding, but also gentle boundaries too, and parenting in the way that me five year old wasn't parented. Easiere said than done haha. Another obstacle, or thing I'm slowly unpacking is that there's a lot of fear that comes up around these parts because I'm guessing they were so disruptive to my survival at that time to show them, which I think gets in the way of connection. At least for me.

I wonder if your parts that don't want to do anything are rebelling/responding to strict and critical behaviour from your FOO about how you should be and what you should be doing? For me, I feel like talking to those parts too just doesn't work because I don't have an adequate idea of who/what those parts are and why they so much want to be connected to that (dissociation in there I think). I have some of the same lack of motivation and noticed lately that when I'm looking at "letting things go" and possibly the generational trauma, or inherited memory, that feels like it's showing up and I'm not even 100% conscious that it "exists" or is "real," that these feelings have lessened and I feel motivated to "be in my self." FWIW, I think the way that my m treated me was done to her by her f (and m and sf - though there's the other version that they wanted to present) and that is generational trauma. I don't know and am just trying to work out how these things show up. It could also very well be that by doing this as a "group," or processing things generationally, I'm still somehow protecting them? I don't know.

I think it was also very helpful to hear how firm she was with those people and how there were options, or she was prepared for it if/when they would come back and "do something later." For me, that fear of retribution and people not forgetting is real. I liked how certain she was that if they did anything she was going to get the police and that was it. Somehow this seems to be an open door for me.

Anyways, I think I do get a lot of what you're saying about working with inner children. Being strict and rigid is also what helped you (and me) survive. So, it makes sense that there's parts that want to act like that, or feel safe in doing so.

Sending you support,
dolly

[natureluvr]

I still need to work on being kind towards myself in those respects too in order to get better back on track. Being kind is different from not being strict.

This sounds like a good middle ground.  We can be kind to ourselves, yet still try to have some self discipline about doing things to take care of ourselves.

[Blueberry]

I still need to work on being kind towards myself in those respects too in order to get better back on track. Being kind is different from not being strict.

This sounds like a good middle ground.  We can be kind to ourselves, yet still try to have some self discipline about doing things to take care of ourselves.

Actually no, not quite natureluvr Tho I realise the way I expressed my thoughts/feelings are unclear.

I do understand that for some people being strict with oneself about certain things, which could actually just mean having some self-discipline in certain life areas, would be a kindness. But for me that's no longer the case. The key seems to be learning to be kinder to myself, e.g. not lambasting myself. When I'm better at that, I think I might be better at self-discipline. About some things, like eating disorder and difficulty with regular exercise, I think I need to understand more why I'm doing or not doing these things before I can be kinder to myself about them. I do know that my thoughts here, my decisions here are rather unpopular, less usual, not much recommended, but I really don't work well with forcing myself to do things when I don't understand what blockage I have about those things. When I understand the blockage, then I can be kinder to myself and the self-discipline is easier.

I don't really 'do' middle ground by force and determination Instead it seems to come with increased healing. Healing doesn't come all at once anyway, it comes in stages, in baby steps sometimes. And so middle ground comes step by step for me too. Like a sign of how much I've been able to really integrate healing steps.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
What you said definitely makes sense to me - regarding wishing to understand a blockage.  I also recognize that healing takes steps and stages and baby steps.  Sending you a hug of support 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hi Hope,

Thank you, it really helps me when somebody on here really understands what I mean, from their own experience!     And of course thanks for of support, especially back then in July.

______________________________

For today                                          

                                                  

Lots of work, but lots going right, quite some of which thru my own 'agency'

Jittery but good. Words fail me