Recovery notes April 23.. breakthrough moments

[jamesG.1]

Bit of a biggie for me. Major epihany, which rarely happens in C-PTSD, imho.

So... I was investigating ADHD for the youngest daughter here. The more I read, the more the lightbulbs switched on. After about an hour of investigating I was in no doubt that I had it, or rather have it. At that point everything fell into place.

Firstly, I've always been massivly creative but useless at pratical cognitive tasks. I can create anything, in any media, but give me maths and my mind just runs for the hills. Attention span has always been goldfish like.

I was bullied extensivly by my brother over these traits and school, and life after was an endless exercise in work arounds. But I did find workarounds and to a large extent, I thrived because the positive side of ADHD helped me. But the negative aspects have dogged me very badly.

When the trauma period began unfolding my concentration, which had been an issue I'd largely overcome by my 40s, collapsed. This made work a major struggle further adding to my looming breakdown. Reading about adhd I saw that you are 4 times more likely to develop PTSD if you have it. Well there's a thing.
I think my ADHD and the trauma joined hands and away we went.

But... adhd was never picked up by my counsellors, by family, by freinds, or most importantly by me. It wasnt picked up by me because I'd learned to bury the shame I'd had because of the bullying and blank it out. I just couldnt see it. I filed ADHD as something other people had and passed my own traits off as a failure of charecter, or a laziness.

Well, finally I think I have my answers.

A diagnosis will be a long way off because health service backlogs are horrendous, but I'll put my hat in the ring for now and let it wait. Treatment I have two minds about because I'm feeling such a huge relief about it I think I can function ok. It just gives me this permission to drop this toxic shame I'd had rammed into me, specifically by my brother but additionally through partners and work over the years.

But there's a positive spin  to all this too. I've still managed to do some pretty cool things DESPITE adhd and the abuse it enabled. I've certainly done way more than my abusive sibling even with adhd and C-ptsd, partly because of the benefits adhd brings, but also because the coping mechanisms I created gave me strengths to push forward into life with.

Since this all emerged my mindset has been utterly different. My background stress levels have noticably dropped and I've been a lot kinder to myself. I'd clearly been thrashing myself along trying to compensate for something I had no reason to feel bad about. I wasnt lazy, attention seeking or unproductive, I was just wired up differently, and I really did not deserve the abuse it triggered. I made mistakes by the bucket load because I didnt know why I was the way I was and I didn't know how to master it for myself and instead, was being bent out of shape trying to appease my detractors. Money was a real disaster for me. I was a financial abusers dream. I lost cash to partners throughout my life and couldnt hold on to money for the life of me. Aged 60 I have nothing behind me whatsoever which makes me sick just typing it.

So, as my head clears, the world suddenly feels very different. Life at home feels a lot easier suddenly now that my hypervigillance is on holiday. Sound sensitivity is waaaay down. I'm resting my head more, seemingly because I'm not trying frantically to push through my adhd and ptsd to achieve the impossible. I've certainly achieved amazing things in spite of the rolling banks of brain fog that I've endured but it really is time to take a break from the struggle. My job is enough for the moment, I don't need all the side hustles I created, and felt the need to add to.

C-PTSD and ADHD share a LOT of symptoms, with me I think they were crazed dance partners that spiralled each other upwards. I couldn't see the ADHD because the trauma was masking it, but now, finally, it's blindingly obvious. It answers so much.

So for now, no big plans, I'll ease into the new frame of mind and see where it goes. I've enough on to feel secure, successful even, so no new ventures. I need to enjoy home a lot more. I was feeling it was blocking me from achieving the impossible every day, which is mad frankly.

It's time to rest.

[dollyvee]

Hi James,

I looked into this a bit as well a while ago and posted some articles elsewhere on the forum. Apparently, ADHD and CPTSD share a lot of the same wiring in the brain and can be a kind of chicken or the egg syndrome. I see myself as having ADD and CPTSD as well.

dolly