Hi, I'm new here

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Suzane72

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Hi, I'm new here
« on: April 22, 2015, 11:43:06 PM »
hi, I am new to this forum. I hope I have posted this correctly. I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD. I have had depression & anxiety for years (33 years), that I have sought out counseling & medication for.  I never understood why I felt so bad about myself because I minimized the mental abuse I lived with my whole life. I started being awoken at night by my Dad abusing my Mom & then stopping the fight by asking for a drink of water. There was only one time thru 3-18 years of age that I ever witnessed severe bruising of my mothers face. I didn't hear that fight. I don't remember much about that time. I just know now that I felt very alone most of my life and afraid that my Mom would die. My paternal grandma also traumatized me often by telling me how terrible my mom & dad were to her. I'd start crying, then she'd try & butter me up & tell me not to tell them. I kept her secret for years until I got old enough I couldn't anymore. No one ever talked about the abuse and secrets all those years. I was also such a people pleaser that I was bullied off and on all through school. I made really good grades to make my parents happy as well. Also, I was expected to act and be perfect. We lived in a small town. My dad is very narcissistic. I am married and have a grown daughter and 3 grown stepchildren. My husband is very nice and a good person. I am fearful a lot and fear abandonment for no reason. I'm still working on feeling better, but my inner critic has been so good at being critical, that I feel it will be even many more years before I can feel better. I'm so tired of feeling different and isolated from other people. I hope by reading some of your stories, I will feel hope and a connection. Thanks!!

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C.

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Re: Hi, I'm new here
« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2015, 03:09:07 AM »
Hello Suzane,

I am very glad that you found this forum and the courage to post.  I remember my first post introducing myself.  I was nervous and unsure what to expect.

Like you I witnessed daily fighting (verbal/emotional) between my parents nearly daily as well.  It's incredibly stressful for a child.  I have an adult daughter as well.

Your childhood of being expected to remain silent in the face of abuse, being bullied, and a manipulative grandparent, with a child.  It's sad and maddening that anyone would put you through those experiences.

Sometimes the ICr feels so big and present, but I see a lot of awareness in your writing.  And I am heartened to hear that you have a kind and loving husband. 

And now you've found a supportive community for you.  As you said hearing the stories here helps.  I think that you will feel validated and hopeful too. 

I encourage you to read, write and explore the forum as best works for you.  Sometimes that means a little at a time, or an area of focus.  Perhaps you'll start with stories.  Whatever your process in recovery I trust that you will heal and I am so pleased that you've found us.

You've fou

I hope

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keepfighting

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Re: Hi, I'm new here
« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2015, 07:20:19 AM »
Hello, Suzane,

nice to meet you on this forum!  :wave:

Your story resonates with me on many levels - especially the part where you say you minimized the level of abuse you've grown up with. That was my coping strategy, too, and I've bumped into it several times in my recovery process. It is very painful to admit, even to oneself.

I am glad you are in a safe place in your life now and have people who support you IRL.

I hope you will find additional support and validation here. Again, welcome.  :hug:
« Last Edit: April 24, 2015, 10:07:50 AM by keepfighting »

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Dyess

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Re: Hi, I'm new here
« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2015, 07:47:27 AM »
Hello and welcome to the forum.

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Suzane72

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Re: Hi, I'm new here
« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2015, 07:46:01 PM »
Thank you for All of your positive and encouraging comments. It really means a lot to me!!  :thumbup: