New and relating

[Moondance]

Well I'm new here and am reading a lot of posts and relating.  Many posts are saying, expressing what I have not been able to verbalize but have felt for years.  I have "struggled" as far back as I can remember relationally. I was diagnosed with CPTSD a
couple years ago and am now getting help for the trauma experienced from an early age,and throughout my existence.  I say existence because really that is all its been.  I am realizing I have gone through life numb, hypervigilant, people pleasing, depressed and extremely anxious.  I have always felt there was something really wrong with me. 

A few incidences at work transpired which triggered and caused me to shutdown.  I continue to isolate however my therapist suggested an online group might be of benefit - so here I am. I will have to take it slow as well.

Thank you to all whom have shared their journey. 

[Bach]

Welcome to the forum, Moondance  This is a good place.

[Armee]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. It is very hard to wake up and realize things are not OK, but also the start of healing. I relate to what you share. I had a similar experience of both feeling very much not normal and like there's something very wrong, but also kind of thinking everything was OK and it was normal to feel so numb and anxious. I had to start to feel better to realize how very not normal it is to walk around life that way.

It's a shocking point in your life but truly the beginning of healing and I'm personally glad I had that moment even though it was an awful point in time. I truly hope you start to find moments of relief as you simultaneously breakdown and buildup.

It's going to be ok. It's very hard but it's a path worth taking. I'm 4.5 years into that journey now and though I have bad days I feel better than I ever have and even being aware of how bad I feel on the bad days is a sign of healing. Before I'd have never recognized it.

[Moondance]

Thank you both for the warm welcome and for your response Armee.

It is going to be okay - although hard for me internalize I thank you Armee.

[SteveM]

Welcome Moondance!
Im very new here and have been warmly welcomed , feels like i finally found my place in recovery, hope you can find some peace in your journey.

[Moondance]

Thank you SteveM.  Peace would be good for sure. 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Moondance    I feel like I could have written your intro myself and that's the thing isn't it, we all have these common feelings/responses to what happened to us so it makes what others have to say so relatable.

I hope you soon feel a little less alone and different because we do all share an abusive/neglective background and can support and comfort one another because of that   

[Papa Coco]

Hi Moondance.

I like your name. It's got a good feel to it.

Welcome to the forum. I've been a member for 1-1/2 years, and it's been a godsend for me. I think the first hurdle many of us go through is realizing that others struggle with many of the same things we do. Feeling alone, as the only broken person on earth, has done the lion's share of the damage to many of us.

Sometimes I think of this place as my "Island of misfit toys". It's good to be embraced within a community of people who know what it feels like to struggle with similar issues that have made me falsely believe I don't fit in anywhere. We all DO fit in. Especially here.

I'm excited for future interactions with you. I hope this forum brings you the comfort and fellowship that it has brought to me.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

[Moondance]

 

Thank you Papa Coco for the warm welcome and I love your name and the why of it.

I've read several of your posts and so appreciate your shares, each and everyone of them.

Moondance - I used to love dancing but know am in the darkness, hence the moon.  BUT the avatar shows a lit moon doesn't it?  Perhaps and I hope I will see the light rather than darkness at some point.  Actually the connection I feel on this forum is definitely a ray of light and hope.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, Moondance   I'm glad you found us and can relate to posts already, though sorry you have cptsd too. Otherwise you wouldn't need this forum obviously. But, for people who do need this forum it's a supportive place!

To adjust a saying just a little in response to your post: it's not you who's wrong, it is what was done to you that was wrong! I do understand feeling 'wrong' of course. So not saying that what you feel is incorrect! Anyway I'm babbling rather, so just once again a warm welcome to the forum and I hope to see you around and hear more from you.

[Moondance]

 

Thank you Blueberry for your warm welcome and taking the time to read my post AND thank you for the gentle reminder that it's not me that is "wrong" but what was done to me that was wrong. 

[Bermuda]

Hi, welcome. It's such a nice thing that you are getting help and were given the advice to seek community.  Just like PapaCoco, I am so glad to have found this forum. It has really changed my life.

I remember at first feeling so guilty using this forum, and really like I didn't belong, or even like an imposter. Now I know why I felt those things. See, progress!

Maybe it will help you heal or find a little peace. I hope that for you. Anyway, nice to meet you.

[Moondance]

Thank you Bermuda for the warm welcome.

Yeah, my thoughts are going a bit crazy know about posting.

I wish peace for you as well and appreciate your hearfelt wishes for me.

[Armee]

It's a heartbreaking series of traumas, Moondance. I am sorry those happened. Yes. That one at 13 counts as CSA...because he was an adult, because you were a child, because he was 5 years older than you. It is really hard what we deal with. The foundation of CPTSD plus individual traumas that could break anyone. I am so glad you have a good T now but so sad no one helped you sooner. Your post was fine, for me at least. Hard to read because it is heartbreaking, but you have the right to get this stuff out. It helps. Gentle safe virtual hugs if they feel safe and helpful. Your world is small but also it helps sometimes to have that safety while healing takes place.

[Moondance]

Hi Armee,

Thank you for your response Armee and yes I accept your gentle virtual hugs.

I feel overwhelmed right now and not sure what else to say but to say thank you for
being honest, gentle and supporting - so appreciated.