FINDING MY FEELINGS

[Moondance]

I think I lost them or did they lose me?  This new journal will be, hopefully, about getting in touch with my feelings

I'm not sure if this is a coincidence or not but last Friday which is T day, I woke up  feeling, then thinking that she was not feeling well and going to cancel the appointment. Even though i feel she is pretty safe i still find it really difficult to meet every week.  My body tenses up even more than usual a couple days before the appointment and my mood changes.   I then received notification that she was not feeling well and that the appointment was cancelled.
All to say, that I was releaved the apt was cancelled.  A couple days later I started feeling/thinking (not sure anymore which is which) I missed the session, talking with her.

As I thought and reviewed over the last session from my notebook I saw her suggestion about joining an online community because I am very isolated.  My isolation is very much my choice.  I have very few people in my life and have difficulty maintaining a relationship of any kind.  And really a big part of me really doesn't want to even try.  I think my T focuses on the little part that still does want to try.  My head and my belief now is 'don't even bother, it's not worth it, it's too hard, it's unsafe (not necessarily in the right order) I very seldom go out except to get groceries and i do that as quickly as possible to get home wfere ut's safe.  Anyway,  I searched online and OOTS came up.  I tried it and it seems to be a good fit for me.  Hopefully I myself will be a fit as well.  I have never fit in anywhere.  Maybe for a bit but then it usually goes sideways. I digress....

Usually I sleep,  well I always over sleep and often have long daily naps.  I feel exhausted all the time from all the years of being out in the world and all the abuse that entails, feeling unsafe and hypervigilant and extremely sensitive to my surroundings and what the humans are doing lol.    Hence my choice for isolation.   So it was unusual for me this morning to wake up at 4:20 am especially that I went to sleep about 11:30 last night. 

I stayed awake til approx 630 am, watching tv . At 9 am the phone rang and it was the LTD insurance company calling.  It's almost like my body knows before I do what's going to happen.  My body and my head always get triggered when LTD insurance topic comes up.  I so wished they would leave me alone forever and ever so I can rest, not worry about them or anything else for that matter.  I'm just so tired of trying to make things work. The call was about sending me yet another form to fill out.  More hoops to jump through. I know I have to do these things, it is part of the process if I want to continue receiving disability payments.  I believe it's the triggers that I'm so tired of, it wouldn't be as difficult I guess without the triggers.  Ohhhh yeah that's why I'm on disability, (tongue in cheek) I can't seem to handle much of anything. 

I'm looking forward to session with T tomorrow.  It can't seem to come soon enough! 

[Papa Coco]

Moondance,

I can truly feel the stress you are prone to with your therapist. I'm glad you brought it up so I could respond and share that I have had many similar feelings over time.

I've been in therapy with a good trauma-wise therapist now for 20 years. those first few years were a lot of hot-and-cold feelings about therapy. Some days therapy felt like pure torture. I would watch the clock begging for time to speed up. That's what I used to do in grade school during the most prolific bullying of my life.  I guess I was so trapped in the traumas of begging god for the clock to go faster in catholic grade school that I did the same thing when T would bring me back into my traumas as an adult. I swear those sessions were physically torturous. It felt like his hands had reached into my chest and were mercilessly squeezing the lifeblood from my heart and stomach.

Another thing that would happen was that there were several 55 minute therapy sessions that only lasted 5 minutes. I would greet my T, sit down, we'd start talking, and suddenly he'd say, "we're out of time." I'd look at the clock and 50 minutes had passed without me knowing it. He'd reassure me that it was okay. That even though I was completely and utterly dissociated during our therapy, it was still working. He was still talking to my brain, even though I wasn't in it at the time.

Like you, I knew that I wanted/needed what he could do for me, but I just couldn't feel safe during the sessions. As time progressed, and as he would openly tell me that he could see how tortured I was, and that he wasn't offended by me watching the clock, the sessions became safer and better. They're good all the time now. I look forward to my 55 minutes with him every other week now.




Another thing I want to comment on is how impressed I am that you recognize and trust these premonitions. You knew she was going to cancel before she did. You say it's almost like your body knows before you do that something is going to happen. I would take the word "almost" out of that sentence. I know for a fact that these types of premonitions are real, because I have them often also.  OFTEN.

I've had more premonitions than I can count. I have a thousand examples, but this is my most important one: I was saved from my last suicide attempt 15 minutes before I planned to jump off a bridge, when a lifelong friend called me on the phone as I was headed to the car to drive to the bridge. I live on the US West Coast. She lives on the US East Coast (2,200 miles away). She didn't say hello. When I answered she screamed "WHAT'S WRONG?!!!!" And then told me that her stomach was sick and I was the only thing she could think about, when suddenly a friend of HERS, whom I've never met, and who lives in the center of the US called HER to tell HER to call "The west coast" immediately because something terrible was about to happen.  This is why I don't believe spirit connection is real. I know it is real.

You are free to talk with me about your premonitions and your connections all you want, and I will never doubt you. I know gravity is real and I know our premonitions are real. I don't believe that we're all connected. I know that we are.

I also believe that those of us who struggle with lifelong trauma issues are the most aware of our unseen connection to others, and those of us who are narcissistic sociopaths are the least aware of the connections.

I like virtual hugs on this forum, because I believe they do carry a real connection through the unseen ether. 

When I meditate, which is difficult for me because of my hypervigilant, overactive brain, I start by reminding myself that all points in time and space are connected. And that the connection is faster than the speed of light. The connection happens at the speed of thought.  That way I go in knowing that my spirit is connecting with all other spirits.

So...never worry that I will roll my eyes at your reports of premonitions. I already know they are real. I'm alive because of them.

Today I hope for some peace in your day, and I'm looking forward to reading your future journal entries.

[Moondance]

Thanks again, Papa Coco, for the validation and encouragement - always very much appreciated.

Like you, I have experienced numerous premonitions but have always considered them coincidences. Hmmmm, it will take me some time to digest your response about that (in a good way!).

Sharing your experince with therapy helps me to understand I am in the process and that what I'm experiencing is all part of it - thank you so much for sharing your experiences, your self awareness and being so open about yourself. 

I am thankful for this forum today. 

[Armee]

 

Welcome to your recovery journal!

Yea those constant triggers are exhausting. Utterly exhausting. And with multiple traumas like you've had on top of long term trauma, well those triggers are everywhere. Just imagine even without the biological component of trauma just if we were otherwise "normal' and untraumatized just imagine walking around with all your muscles clenched like many of us do. Just that 1 single piece of the trauma symptoms constellation...how exhausting is that? 24 hrs a day every day for decades.

[Moondance]

 
Thanks Armee - a step forward maybe.

so so true Armee. 

My body is so beyond tense all of the time I don't know that it will ever relax.  I wake up at times from the pain.  It will take effort and time I guess.

Take good care 

[sanmagic7]

welcome, moondance.  here's to help and support i sincerely wish for you here.  unfortunately that's all i've got today, except sending love and a hug.

[Moondance]

  Hi San,

It touches me deeply that you would reach out to me and wish help and support for me, especially at this time.  so very very kind and thoughtful of you. 

There are so many of us and each story matters. I get it and I understand each of us is doing what we can in the moment.  Given the fact that we are dealing with CPTSD and more I find it amazing how much we are able to support each other.   

I know I say thank you a lot to all but I really, really mean it.

[Moondance]

Not sure where to begin today...

I had session with T this morning.  The insurance company has not approved additional councelling support for me after the next 2 sessions.    Long and short is because I'm not healing as quickly as they would like and because there is a good chance  I'm not returning to work they will not pay for further therapy.  So I'm not a viable investment is what I get from that. 

How do I feel? Sad that I won't be able to continue with councelling as I finally connected with a good T. 

I have to fill out a form which says the definition of my disability has changed/ will be changing.  And provide a listing of jobs for the past 10 years.  To prove what exactly?

I really hate these companies.  They are not interested in a person's best interest. 

It will take me sometime to figure out how I'm really feeling.  A mishmash right now. Overwhelmed.

Crawling back to bed sounds good.

[Armee]

I'm really sorry. Thats an awful feeling. I hope maybe you and T can fight for more coverage. There's supposed to be parity in mental health care.

I had to have horribly triggering conversations to get coverage from my insurance company and I haven't even tried to extend that to this year. It's a horrible system. I'm sorry.

[Moondance]

Thank you Armee for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.

Yes I relate to you about having triggering conversations with them.  Almost every conversation with them since Sept has been  triggering.  Actually I believe it further traumatized me as I was in crisis at the time so the continued triggers made it really bad/worse for me.

As mentioned in numerous postings
"they "just don't get it.  The psych assessment I received clearly said trauma therapy required; major depression/ anxiety, ADD and CPTSD unresolved.  For those not trained with CPTSD / trauma. 

Right now I'm thinking I would like to use some of the resources provided here as disagreement to this decision.  Whether I have the wherewithal to do it remains to be seen.

Now rambling...ugh

[Armee]

I've heard this organization helps provide financial aid for complex ptsd and dissociative disorder treatment and I wonder if they can help provide advice for working with insurance to get approval?

https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/all-about-us

[Moondance]

Thank you so much Armee

[Moondance]

How am I feeling, sick to my stomach, anxiety is rising, fear.

[rainydiary]

I have a very reactive gut and often feel a lot of feelings there.  I hope that you find moments of ease.

[Moondance]

Thank you Rainydiary, it matters that someone relates.

I'm now  questioning all that has been said and/or written.   Why did they change their minds about the councelling?  I just don't get it? I will work at quieting my mind and body.